A completely self-indulgent title and well deserved.
I make no apology for finally putting myself first having sacrificed my personal ambitions and hopes for so many years. Whilst I have no resentment in doing that, as motherhood was – and still is – a role I cherish, the balance has now shifted in favour of me. Others will have to wait. I’m now at the front of the queue for staking my claims in life.
In that vein, last week I managed to escape my normal routine and home and headed to Cambridge where, for the first time in years, I set out on a journey on my own without any company. It was a trip I was determined to do as a forerunner to further travels in future inshaAllah. The train journey was a welcome opportunity to float into reverie and feel all my worries and thoughts dissipate with each passing mile. Looking out at nothing in particular, and yet at everything beyond my window, was an experience of pure unadulterated bliss. Just green fields, farm animals and blue sky. No conversation, no phone in use, no distractions. This was the epitome of peace…
In Cambridge itself, I spent a few relaxing days with a friend with whom I shared candid conversations about our past, present and especially future. Both of us grateful in our own ways for having arrived at where we are now in life and poised to do more. I realised that happiness isn’t necessarily found in pursuing reckless dreams or even in another life partner. Whilst those scenarios can – and do – genuinely offer some people a sense of happiness, it’s very possible to be satisfied in life without those elements. For my friend and I, it was simply delightful just to stay up late over a coffee and toast and share ideas and past experiences. Real human interaction without unnecessary interruptions is what feeds my soul.
Did I miss my sons whilst I was away? Of course! But not to the point where I was fretting about their whereabouts or safety. I’ve definitely started to untie the knot between us slightly. There needs to be more room for movement for us all now and a greater sense of independence. And that independence relates even to me. Being comfortable with doing things alone is what will get me through the rest of my life because I am under no illusion that my family unit will be undergoing some drastic changes in time to come. I no longer have boys under my wing. Rather, they are adults in their own right pursuing their own dreams. And so they should. But whilst they understand their responsibilities to their mother, I wouldn’t want to selfishly curtail their chances of fulfilling their dreams if they had to make some difficult choices.
Whilst they figure out their own futures, the phase of life I find myself in is one which exudes relief. It’s not that I have rescinded all my parental responsibilities. No. That, inshaAllah, will never happen. However, my load is somewhat lighter now mainly because the school phase is finally over. Any educational ventures they pursue now, they will have to figure out largely on their own.
I guess the next monumental phase of their lives will be marriage, if they are endowed with that opportunity inshaAllah. For now, whilst there is no activity in that area, I will revel in the absence of drama. The calm before the storm.
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