Alhamdulillah, my oldest sons, being twins, have just turned 25! What a poignant time for me as my mind drifts back to the day of their birth and all the events leading up to and from that point in time. So much has happened since then, some of it predictable but a lot of it unforeseen. That’s not to say the latter category has been unwelcome. Quite the opposite, in fact. I’d argue that most of the unforeseen events since then have been incredibly life-changing and uplifting.
I wrote a blog post when my sons turned 21 with that being a significant age in European thinking. However, 25 years has a different resonance altogether. It’s a quarter of a century. Almost half my own life has been given over to being a mother and is a role which I have been honoured with since then. Literally overnight 25 years ago, I inherited a new title, a new dimension of my existence and a new purpose in life. I embraced it all and cherish it still, Alhamdulillah.
It has been a curious journey in that I have witnessed my sons evolve from complete dependence to an almost complete independence. Today, I am the one who is often in their care and guardianship as they acknowledge the sacrifices I have made – and continue to make -in my life. It’s been a sweet role-reversal although the worries and celebrations that come with the territory of motherhood will always remain. Whilst I now am more keen to pursue goals which are to do with my personal growth, my role as mother will continue unabated. The only difference is that it has gently morphed into a new form which takes into account my sons’ maturity and independence and all that that entails.
WIth all the ups and downs that life has thrown at me, I know I always emerge from scenarios feeling fortunate. That’s the one take-away emotion that dominates all else when I ruminate on motherhood. Whether I choose to celebrate my sons’ birthday with cake and candles or simply enjoy their company and quietly acknowledge another year gone by, I am grateful for the time we’ve all had together to laugh, cry and scream. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, Alhamdulillah.
For so many reasons, 2025 was definitely the best year of my life. It had a lot to do with my travelling experiences to places I’d never been before – Prague, Shanghai, Switzerland and Austria to name a few. But it culminated in a charity mission in Southwest Algeria, to a refugee camp just outside Tindouf. This last trip was something which brought me immense fulfilment which I cannot even encompass adequately with words.
I arrived at Boujdour camp on 27 December, home to some of the almost 200,000 refugees displaced from Western Sahara – a country still seeking to exist since 1975 in its own right without Moroccan domination or interference. The people I met were a gracious, dignified and determined group who are still quietly fighting for their right to self-determination and yet know that they must eke out a living within the means they have. Their pain was palpable and memories of eviction and escape all those years ago, are definitely just below the surface.
Before my arrival, I had been fighting my own nerves given this was the first time I could finally claim to have undertaken a charity mission on my own from beginning to end. I had no companion on my journey except Allah. My fears and thoughts I contained within and with every step of my journey, I promised to plough on and not to surrender to my weaknesses. Alhamdulilah, I had resolved to move out of my comfort zone and subsequently discovered this trip had taught me so much about myself as much as it did about the people I was there to serve.
Moonlight and Stars in the Desert
From the outset, I knew that I would be comfortable existing amongst this community as I have previously lived with Mauritanians whose customs and traditions align so closely with the Western Sahrawis. In fact, it’s virtually impossible to tell them apart. There were times I had to pinch myself to remind myself I was not sitting with Mauritanians but their neighbours. It was a surreal experience since my mind often betrayed what my eyes and ears were seeing and hearing. The desert landscape and terrain were also so familiar and in all, these were things that combined to remind me of my past life in Mauritania.
My role out there was to provide teacher-training for the English teachers in an after-school programme and to to model some classes for their benefit. It was a rewarding experience since I got to meet the staff and the lovely children whose purity and innocence was so endearing. I must say, this version of childhood is one which I haven’t seen in a long time in the West even as someone who works so closely with young children on a daily basis. There was a beautfiul etiquette which the Sahrawi children displayed and which was something deeply, yet so subtly, imbued in them. Their relationship with their own teachers was also beautiful to see as it is built on trust and respect. It’s reassuring to know that these attributes are still alive in a world which has become so cynical and guarded.
But aside from the core purpose of my trip, the one unexpected thing which I returned home with and touched me very deeply was the time spent with my fellow volunteers who were living in the same house of our host family. Never in a million years did I think I would bond so easily with a 23 year old young Mexican called Ray, nor Leif, a 67 year old Swedish humanitarian and last but not least, Marta, a 30 year old Portugese artist from Brussels. Leif and Marta did not meet each other but I was fortunate to have spent time with all of them in individual or joint conversations. It was a few days of my life existing not as an appendage to someone else. I was not mother, sister, daughter, aunt or anything else. I was just me. And to be able to express that persona to others who have nothing other to go on except what I wanted to present, was simply liberating for me.
I learnt about them as much as they learnt about me. Those conversations often deeply entrenched in topics such as spirituality, identity, politics, religion, art and even music, were wonderful moments of human connection. They are conversations I will always cherish and I will probably not forget this episode of my life for a long time. Not only did I finally achieve something I’ve always dreamt of doing in the way of NGO work, but I experienced the coming together of such different souls and a unique bond that we all shared despite our superficial differences. By stripping away the outer layers of our identity, I could see we are all the same – each one searching for meaning in this life and trying to find our purpose. The fact that we had all chosen to sacrifice our version of ‘normal’ and go out to Africa to do humanitarian work, was testimony to what we already share in common. Our little motley crew was a beautiful microcosm of how I envisage the world should be with all its human diversity. We really need to focus more on what brings us together than what keeps us apart. The desire to have an open mind without egotistical prejudices would be a great place to start. At least, I got a taste of that Utopia during my stay in Boujdour camp.
In essence, I got more than I bargained for in this mission to a refugee camp. I had only ever wanted to make a modest contribution to the betterment of its people and insha’Allah, that’s exactly what I accomplished. What I didn’t expect was to meet beautiful souls from different corners of the world but whose outlook on life align with mine and who I feel I will always be in touch with because of those deeply enriching few days spent together. As the one who is more advanced in years, I only hope to see the younger ones do amazing things as they grow older and carry the torch of justice and compassion on their own journeys.
In a world where Islam has sadly become a dirty word, it is comforting and reassuring to know that there are others who stand from outside its fold and yet are able to see that this faith and some of its people, have been dealt an unfair card. The only way to truly understand someone or something is to get up close and approach with an open mind. That takes a sort of bravery and already places that person on a higher, more respectable echelon of society than others. Kudos to my new, young friends of the Sahara who have restored my own faith in humanity. I am deeply grateful for my life and for having had the chance to meet such wonderfully curious people whose own soul-searching journey mirrors my own. Our paths crossed perhaps not as fortuitously as it may seem. After all, Allah works in mysterious ways.
If I am fortunate enough to partake in any more future trips in the name of charity, I hope to meet more individuals with the same unbiased outlook on life. It would be my even better fortune if I were to meet up with the same wonderful people again. Meanwhile, i pray that the refugee community is repatriated back to their own homeland and enjoy a dignity and dreams of living freely and with total self-respect, insha’Allah.
It’s no secret that women – more than men – often undersell their skills and abilities when applying for jobs. They underplay their achievements as mothers raising children and running a home at the same time. They usually need someone else, observing from the outside, to tell them that they’re doing much better than they actually give themselves credit for.
I have been victim of that mindset on many occasions and in different spheres of my life. Coming back to the UK, after the demise of my marriage, and raising my sons singlehandedly over the years, people have sometimes reminded me of the commendable job I’ve done – all with the mercy of Allah of course. Often, I’ve had to step back and ponder on their comments: Why do they praise me? Surely, anyone can do this? What did I do that’s so special compared to others?
However, listening to those who know me well, I have come to realise that the task of raising a young family on my own has actually been one that I’ve taken in my stride competently. It has been challenging yet rewarding. I have only been too aware of the difficulties of not having a husband/father figure in our midst but with as much pre-emptive thinking as I could muster, I’ve tried to keep one step ahead of that. By trying to foresee the areas in my boys’ lives where they’d need guidance and advice, I’ve stepped in to try and fill that gap. Assessing whether I’ve been successful or not is a difficult thing to do. However, given that our relationship has remained strong and steady, despite the disagreements and arguments, is in itself a good sign I hope, insha’Allah.
Then there’s the world of work…
Here, I have sustained the task of bringing home an income to keep the household running for the last few years. Without hiatus. Two jobs and constant clock watching every single week. No surprise then that there have been many times I wish I could sit in the passenger seat and hand over the wheel to someone else. Yet, life doesn’t always allow us choices. Alhamdulillah though, the advantage of this situation is that I’ve not had to hold a begging bowl to anyone else. I’ve been able to stand on my own two feet. And still, even though this has been my relentless routine, I am surprised when others tell me how graciously I’ve persevered and been independent all these years. To me, it’s what anyone would have done in my position. But then I’ve been reminded that not everyone would have had the same stamina to endure these similar circumstances so long. Perhaps that’s true. But I was also adamant that my life would not be diminished by post-divorce grief. I am also acutely aware that Allah never gives someone more than they can bear – and He knew I could take this on.
This brings me to my other personal pursuits. More recently, I’ve been asked by an international charity to offer my services and help train their ESOL teachers in pedagogical practices. Again, for some inexplicable reason, they seem to have placed faith in me to deliver the goods. As I write here, I am in the process of preparing material for them whilst there’s this immutable voice in the back of my head telling me that I’m not capable or worthy of so much trust. I have had to consciously suppress it and reassure myself I am indeed competent.
Self-Awareness is Recognising Scored Goals
Insha’Allah, I will deliver and deliver well as doing things by half is not my mode of practice. At this late stage of life, it’s only now I’m slowly beginning to understand my true potential and recognise what I have already accomplished even though I tend to play it down. To be honest, I’d much rather lean towards modesty than gloat about my accomplishments. All praise is due to Allah in everything I’ve managed to achieve, big or small. However, by the same token, if ever I encounter the haters, I won’t ever accept them telling me that I don’t have much to show for my life. Yes, in material terms, I don’t own much to write home about. But Alhamdulillah, there are intangible things I do possess much to the chagrin of the cynics.
Imposter syndrome is something I know I will suffer from for a while yet. However, coming out of my comfort zone and setting myself new incremental challenges is a sure antidote to that malaise. It’s a work in progress but progress is surely being made. I’ve seen enough motivational quotes about the growth mindset and have absorbed the wisdom behind them. It’s life’s challenging circumstances that create the search for new opportunities and so, Alhamdulillah, for those situations. Without them, I’d have been content in mediocrity and complacency. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve known that would never have been enough. It’s not something I’d have accepted for my sons either. Both together and individually, we will all continue our search for our own glass ceilings and smash through them, insha’Allah.
Every so often, I will have a dream which is very poignant and yet, a clear reminder to me that my current situation in life is a true blessing.
Today, I want to speak candidly about such a dream. I saw my previous mother-in-law introducing a new potential wife to my then-husband and suggesting this young woman would be a suitable replacement. I was talking to my ex and asking if he was going to seriously consider the proposal. Clearly, he had already made up his mind that he was and continued to remind me of the things which had caused him to disconnect with me over time, particularly my peccadillos which had amassed over the years. (Unknown to me, he had been making a mental note of them all and waiting for a time use them as a justification for his exit strategy). I saw myself trying to reason with him in a desperate attempt to make him see sense and not to react disproportionately. Of course, that was a waste of time.
Refusing to Run Aground
The stoicism he displayed was shocking as it was painful. Although it was only a dream, it was an eerie alignment to what I actually experienced in trying to get my ex-husband to reconsider his decision to terminate the marriage. I awoke today feeling an odd sense of regret combined with relief. Yes, it would have been wonderful to have had a husband by my side whilst my sons were growing up and all the decisions that have had to be made as a family, big and small. But, it has also been a liberation to have made choices with impunity. A famous adage says, “faults are thick where love is thin“. I lived that experience towards the end of my marriage when things started unravelling. In retrospect, I see now that that relationship was not worth fighting for. Where only one person is invested in trying to make things good, that is a recipe for disaster. It takes an oar on each side of the boat to propel it forward. Paddling with only one oar will cause the boat to rotate in perpetual circles.
So, going back to today’s dream, I interpreted it as a reminder that, since the end of my marriage, I have been given the gift of a life determined by my own aspirations. I don’t need to seek approval from another human. I am no longer a victim of the vicissitudes of another human who didn’t wish to come to a workable or reasonable agreement on things. I have found my own voice and am no longer afraid to speak up. Nor will I subject myself to the whims of another person.
Sadness is a thing that comes in waves. But Alhamdulillah, I find it is something I can overcome quite quickly by virtue of appreciation of my present situation. In fact, 2025 has arguably been the best year yet! I’ve had so many beautiful experiences too profound to encapsulate into words, Alhamdulillah. All of them and others have made the price of divorce actually worth it.
A View of the Austrian Tyrol – A Lifelong Wish Fulfilled
When going through life, we inevitably come across encounters with others which cause us to reflect on our own lives. I’m no exception to that.
Recently, I was engaged in a conversation with someone who was expressing their viewpoint about a sticky family situation. Whilst listening, I was coming in and out of focus and my mind was pondering over the comments being made; I was thinking of the many moments I wanted to (but didn’t) interject and ask questions which would encourage some introspection from the other side. It’s not that I completely disagreed with what was being said by that person but there were also many things I wanted to comment on if only to make them stand outside of their own self and look in and see where they might have been going wrong too.
Being Mindful of the Full Picture
Often, we can’t see the wood for the trees. I concluded it was futile to try to intervene and ameliorate the situation and try to find a resolution between the two parties involved, both of whom I know well. It was like trying to grasp water in my hands.
In the end, I resolved to let the matter lie. Clearly, with pride, stubborness and ego playing their ugly roles in the matter, nothing seems likely to move forward. People will not be able to overcome problems with those monoliths blocking the path. Such a tragic loss of energy and time. It’s the stuff that leads to major wars on the world stage and family fueds on a more personal level.
From this conversation today though, I reflected how things in my own family would be if nobody decided they might be in the wrong and were unwilling to back down. I’d like to think none of us are that far gone with haughtiness. Alhamdulillah, I’d like to think that at least a reasonable discussion could be had even if it were to amicably conclude with an agreement to disagree.
My advice to any parent reading this is to be receptive to listening to your children when they need counselling or advice. They may bring news you may not wish to hear but giving them your undivided attention and trust that their views will not be rubbished or dismissed as irrelevant, is so crucial to winning their respect and a reciprocal trust. If they are unable to do that with their parents, they will definitely seek substitutes to confide in outside of the family home which may be far less desirable. Better they speak to their parents openly without fear of repercusssions rather than withhold information and seek solace in the wrong places elsewhere. But this setup takes years of nurturing and can’t be forged overnight.
I’ve seen the mistakes others have made and have tried my best to consciously avoid those same pitfalls. Since raising my sons alone, I’ve had to find my own formula for parenting and insha’Allah it’s been working well so far. I think the core ingredients are love, trust, compassion and humility. The ability to hold your hands up and admit when you’ve done wrong is also important. Not just for the children but parents too. Ultimately, everyone is culpable for making a relationship work.
May Allah protect us all and find solutions to the problems we encounter.
As I move through life and come to the realisation that I am at the latter end of it, I often have to step back and ask myself, “What gives me purpose now? What goals do I have, if any?” These are questions that bounce around in my mind often.
I’ve often commented that I don’t have any crazy career aspirations. If anything, I’m happy to keep the status quo as is and just let things keep ticking over quietly. In some respects, I’ve settled for ‘comfortable’ over ‘challenging’ and make no apologies for that given that I simply want to keep a roof over my head and manage day-to-day life. My current job was always meant to be a means to an end and it has been serving that purpose well. Of course, I enjoy it, Alhamdulillah, so there is no need to rock that boat.
Alongside work though, I have always sought opportunities to pursue my lifelong passion to serve others through formal charitable activities, Again, Alhamdulillah, there have been opportunities to do that over the years and especially in going out in the field to see that charity in action. This is where I see my contribution to society as most impactful. Not that I’m indispensible – no. However, it’s an area where I find myself come to life and awakens in me an alacrity when I get involved.
As one becomes older, the focus moves from ourselves to the upcoming generation behind us – as it should. Inevitably, what happens is parents find themselves standing in the wings of life’s stage gently ushering their children into the spotlight. In my own case, whilst I wouldn’t it any other way, I’m aware that I find I mustn’t forget myself in the process. My life and personal goals still remain important.
Know Your Self-Worth
Although I have always coaxed and encouraged my sons to find their purpose and goals for themselves, I have also become very conscious not to surrender my own dreams for myself along the way. I have had the foresight to know this can lead to a dangerous – if not depressing – situation where I might wake up one day and not know the purpose of my existence without seeing it through the lens of another human being. I’m a huge advocate of having a sphere of my life which I call my own – where nobody dictates my movements, where I am solely responsible for the consequences of my actions and where the achievements acquired are mine alone to celebrate too. This is how I intend to move through life where a part of me isn’t attached to any familial role such as mother or sister or aunt.
Oddly enough too, charity work is the one area where I have pushed the boat out and forced myself to emerge from my comfort zone. That’s because, unlike the paid work, which I see more as a means to an end, my charitable involvements in life give me a true sense of fulfilment and purpose. Serving humanity is what keeps my consciene alive and gives me a true sense of accountability in my actions. This is what ‘being relevant’ means for me. It’s not about seeking the praise of others and wanting public recognition. It’s about knowing that my actions have consequences which are far-reaching even beyond the realms of this temporal world.
After several months in the planning, Alhamdulillah, (praise be to Allah), my family and I, and a few others, finally brought an idea into fruition and achieved what I originally thought was a rather fanciful idea – a road trip across Europe. But Allah had other plans and had destined that this expedition was always going to happen.
Our troupe of ten, covered an approximate 3,000 miles in nine days, stopping every night in a new place and taking in everything along the way. Although I have done one other road trip in my life, (15 days from the UK to Mauritania in 2004 with a young family of three children), I knew this recent one was going to be equally epic. The motley crew that we were, travelling in three cars with walkie-talkies throughout, made the trip a huge success so much so that we all vowed we would travel again together if another opportunity arose.
I admit that I was quite hesitant at the beginning when I saw the itinerary and thought we were being too ambitious with our goals. However, even accounting for people with different interests, getting slightly lost, or one of the cars needing new tyres half-way into the trip, it was a resounding success Alhamdulillah. A truly unforgettable journey.
Nine days on the road through Europe and nine countries explored on the way: France-Monaco-Italy-Switzerland-Lichtenstein-Austria-Germany-Holland and Belgium. Although it was always going to be a whistlestop tour in each place, the beauty in the sights we feasted our eyes on couldn’t be encompassed with words or even photos. From breathtaking and awe-inspiring Alpine mountains to intricate artistry on citadels in major cities, it was the stuff to capture the undivided attention of any observor. I often felt my mind was overflowing with awe that I could simply not absorb any more!
Austrian Alps up Close
Undoubtedly, the personal highlight of the trip was the chance to step into both Switzerland and Austria. From years ago, it was always my dream that, one day, I would visit both places with my sons and their father knowing it would the first time for all of us. We would marvel at the natural surroundings and enjoy the sights and mark it as a first-time experience we would have achieved together. Although I didn’t make it there with their father, it didn’t matter. I was just too busy revelling in ineffable glee to have noticed his absence. The knowledge that I was actually standing on Swiss (and then Austrian) soil, with my sons by my side, was more than enough to be thankful for. It was a truly humbling experience too seeing how insignificant humans are against the beautiful backdrop of the Alps. Allahs’ artistry is a truly wonderful thing, subhanAllah (Glory be to Him)!
For over twenty years at least, I had dreamt of seeing the Alps for myself from a viewpoint in Switzerland and/or Austria and even though it was not a full day in either place, it was enough to satiate that particular desire to the brim. I had never imagined that I would ever see these places with my own eyes and in the company of those closest to me. However, Allah had answered my prayers, Alhamdulillah and I was well aware of that even whilst there. It reminded me of all the other things in life I have asked Allah for and He has responded – all in His own time and own wisdom. He is truly Al-Hakim (The Wise One).
There were so many other encounters and experiences on this trip which humbled me even more and reaffirmed my faith in Allah. Standing in Amsterdan last week, a city which I had visited over 35 years previously with my sisters and friends, when none of us had been aware of what lay ahead of us in our individual lives, when none of us were married or when none of us were mothers, it was quite surreal to be stood there again post-marriage but with my sons by my side. A poignant yet happy thought.
I understand that Allah sometimes takes us on convoluted journeys through life only to allow us to end up where we originally asked – or were meant – to be. I never envisaged I’d be experiencing Europe like this and despite my hesitancy because of my age and finances, it all came together seamlessly in the end. I also am more acutely aware than ever before that I need to grasp opportunities to do things in life which I may not be able to do later on for a myriad of reasons.
And as addendum to the road trip, I reflect on my life and realise I am exactly where I need to be in terms of being happily single again and being the master of my own time and decisions. Over the years, opportunities in different spheres of my life have materialised which I would never have dreamt possible. So, although one door closed 2016, so many more have unexpectedly opened in its place. I would not want it any other way now.
I don’t normally post anything except on Sundays but the past few weeks have been unusually busy and the things I want to share today are already overdue. Therefore, I didn’t want to wait yet another week to write something.
Last week, my sons and I welcomed our friend Dani, together with his parents, to London. Dani is a Spanish friend of my oldest son who he met at university but has been in all our lives for the last six years. In 2024, we had the wonderful opportunity of spending time with him when we took a short – yet unforgettable – trip to his hometown of Malaga, Spain. Through knowing him and being in Spain, there were many things I observed about Spanish culture in that weekend some of which have remained with me till now. (All positive things and nothing to freak out about!)
Malaga: Where Family is Valued
One overall conclusion that came to my mind back then is that the Spanish seem to have more time for family social interactions and this is something that crosses different generations. Perhaps this is more of an Andalucian culture? But I recall noticing that over the weekend, there were families out and about with elderly grandparents and young children all milling around and enjoying the company of one another. This is something sorely missing in British culture where young people are more individualistic and seem to consign their elderly parents to the scrapheap of society and prioritise their own pleasures. It’s a growing problem endemic in many societies but, in Malaga, it seemed they have not yet caught up with the 21st century social malaise which other Western societies suffer from. It seems there are traditional family values which they are still clinging onto. For me, it was reassuring and comforting to know not all has been irreparably lost to modernity.
Coming back to Dani’s visit to London, for his parents this was their first time and my sons and I knew we had to see them here. Although I myself could only manage one night with them, that evening was so beautiful. We were a group of ten people, and even with some limited Spanish language skills on our side, we had a fantastic time in a coffee shop, then just walking through London and finally sitting for an evening meal. I even forgot that I had work the next day and felt like I was the tourist in London with no cares in the world!
Perhaps I am a romantic, but the company we were in that night reminded me of how much I love when people come together despite their apparent differences in language, religion, ethnicity etc. and yet create a fantastic fusion. Our little coterie represented humanity at its best. Everyone was happy to be there and was genuinely interested in the other. That’s the microcosm of togetherness which I wish could be projected onto the wider world in places where it is so desperately lacking. Instead of filling our minds and hearts with hatred or ignorance of the other, all it takes is a little effort to get to know someone and overcome those misconceptions. Beautiful things can happen.
This blog post is a tribute to Dani and the affection he brought with him to London. He clearly has taken on his responsibilities towards his parents and ensured their time was memorable. As a mother myself, it was such an adorable thing to witness. Like my own sons, Dani represents to me a hope that the future will be in good hands as long as these young people do not succumb to whimsical desires too often but see the responsibilities they carry on behalf of the generation before and the one after.. He is a rare breed amongst his peers in that he is respectful, engaging and interested in others.
Insha’Allah, there will be many more meetups with him and his family either in Andalucia, London or elsewhere and I do hope we will always be in one another’s lives to celebrate all the milestones which have yet to be crossed.
It is a misconception in the working world that a person is inherently driven to climb higher through the echolons of a company or career in the pursuit of success. This aspiration doesn’t belong to all though. What’s more, it’s an ever-elusive dream given the climb often comes at a price in other areas of life.
Having almost reached the end of a working age, I realise that I don’t have the ambition to simply move up and keep going. I am actually content with where I am in my current role. Of course, I wouldn’t be averse to a higher income. Who wouldn’t be? However, I know that I’d lose something else in the process. Right now, I relish the contact I have with the people I meet in my daily working life where I find myself helping them with questions and queries on a whole array of things. I try my best to resolve these situations to a positive outcome for them and on the occasions when I get feedback, where they express appreciation, it is enough to make me feel I have accomplished something good. That’s the recompense I would rather have than more money per se. Of course, I’d be lying if I said I would scoff at a similar role which would procure more money and the same expressions of gratitude from others.
Small Words, Big Impact
Whilst it may seem like my work is a means to stroke my ego, I am also acutely aware that any good that comes from it comes from Allah alone. He is ultimately the One who deserves all the expressions of gratitude. Yet, my role within that is to leave someone with a good impression of what a Muslim represents. It is never about me, myself and I. I’m not conceited enough to know that my name and face will long be forgotten. What I would like to remain though, in the minds of others, is the memory that the Muslim they had met had only ever treated them well. My niyyah (intention) is – and has – always been that. I hope to always be an exemplar of Islam. If that much is achieved, then that’s all I could ask.
WIth the time I have in this life, that’s where I prioritise my goals. Its not about a better job, bigger house or fame. I want to capitalise on my personal skills and humanity and use them where it will produce the best outcome for others and maybe even in others, insha’Allah.
The first of many weekends which I have been waiting for with a deep anticipation…
No commitments which involve constant clock watching and having to divide my day into fixed hours. Finally, I can be more fluid with activities in terms of no time restrictions. For observers on the outside, it may seem a trifle thing but, for me, the liberation is real.
As I move on with life, I’ve learnt to reclaim some of my time for me and to slow down. Or, at least, condense some of my activities so that I can truly enjoy free time uninterrupted by the demands of others. For the first time in a long time, I can now distinguish between the days of the week and identify those where I can pursue things I’d otherwise not have been able to do because of work.
Discipline Delivers
And yet I also cherish the work routine I have. It’s not so much the job per se but the discipline it provides. Waking up at a fixed time and having to report somewhere is actually an integral part of human existence. Without it, life becomes almost meaningless and too much free time leads one to squander it. “Killing time” is a phrase or concept totally abhorent when time itself is such a precious gift. Work also provides opportunities to meet and talk to others. It’s the impetus for continued sanity and a role within wider society and not just within my four walls. Being a rather social being, I relish the chance to converse with and learn about and educate others whilst also realising that’s a two-way street. Social interaction is a subtle edification as being amongst others also gives them a chance to meet and talk with a Muslim woman – something which, especially where I live, not everyone would be exposed to. I couldn’t envisage a life without regular and meaningful interaction with a myriad of people. So, whilst the job isn’t anything to write home about, for all the reasons mentioned above, I am grateful for having it all the same.
To bolster that sense of purpose, my other pursuits in life have provided much needed sanity. Where paid work has not been able to meet my desire for a sense of higher purpose – something beyond worldly matters – I have found my appetite for a form of spiritual redemption, satiated in charitable deeds. Not the type of charity which involves dropping money in a collection tin either. It’s the type that requires of me to reach deep within and utilise my talents, time and whatever tools I have at my disposal. I feel this kind of action is the one thing that will enable me to strengthen my link to my Creator.
When I think of charitable deeds of this nature, I feel they can only truly be achieved out in the field and not from the comfort or safety of my own home. To be immersed in a culture or place where I am witness to the difficulties which some of those impoverished people face themselves, is what gives me a sense of fulfilment. It’s not that I derive a sick pleasure from others’ suffering. It’s more that I need to understand it better by being on the ground; to have an emotional attachment where I can learn and be humbled. Without it, the soul cannot be touched and humility will be difficult to be rekindled.
Insha’Allah, my next steps towards this goal are already in motion. I hope to report back soon with an update but not before I know it will actually happen. It’s taken me many years but I finally feel I am in a position in life where the balance of work, leisure time and spirital fulfilment are beginning to come together to create a beautiful tapestry. I know now why the famous adage, “It’s never too late,” rings clearly in my ears.
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