A Believer of Marriage…still

A Vision of Happiness

This year, I have been in the throes of weddings going on around me and all the build-up which inevitably surrounds that major milestone of someone’s life. From seemingly endless shopping trips to helping out with cleaning, cooking, driving and more, there have been times I have been catapulted back to my own wedding day.

I didn’t get married under normal circumstances, not having had the endorsement of my own family. However, I remained undeterred and still have no regrets in my decision even though my marriage didn’t stand the test of time. For a while now, I’ve come to accept that it’s better to rejoice in the finite state of my (mostly) happily married life than to have suffered the ignominous life-sentence of an unhappy marriage.

It’s with this mindset that I’ve managed to be give my wholehearted energy and support to those around me who have recently got married. I don’t carry any cynicism towards this great institution. Instead, I view it as something still to strive for and cherish once secured. Because what I see around me too, despite all the lamentable stories of divorce, are couples who are genuinely in love with each other. They enter marriage not to fulfill the base level lustful desires but because they have genuinely found a partner with whom they can aspire and inspire to do more together.

Protecting One’s Rights before the Wedding

It imbues within me a feeling that not all hope is lost in the world. There is an upcoming generation who have learnt from the mistakes of their forefathers and filtered out the unsavoury customs and antequated habits that have no place in the world any more. Examples are not allowing women to have their own financial independence or being open to allowing someone to marry from outside of their culture or ethnicity. Culture can be a beautiful thing which brings with it a set of habits that create acceptable expectations and standards. However, too often, it can also be narrowly prescriptive and inhibiting. With the net now cast wider to embrace what Islam allows, young people are now realising that they can envisage so much more for themselves and discard practices that are incongrous to their faith.

That’s what keeps me enthused and hopeful about the prospect of someone young contemplating marriage. Although I know I can be cynical about the next generation and their rigidity in terms of how they approach this institution, I see too that there is a healthy redress of attitudes inherited from their parents, some of which need to be shelved forever. I guess it’s a natural process whereby some behaviours are incorporated and others need to be ditched. Each generation has to find its own formula that it needs to figure out as their circumstances are particular to their own.

Overall, I feel reassured. I realise that I am touched when I see a couple starting out on their journey in matrimony and wish them all the happiness they could have. My own experience doesn’t pollute my happiness for them as I also realise that it wasn’t the sanctity of marriage that was the problem for me; rather, it was that the cracks and crevices became too wide for one of us to want to bother to try repair them. Alhamdulillah, from my vista on life now, I am truly grateful to be on my own without any hindrance to my own goals or way of living.

Marriage still remains one of the most beautiful goals a person could aim for and I am sure I will always shed tears of joy when I witness others take that momentous step in their lives.

A Portal to a Magical Place

Birthday Blues

An Excuse for a Reality Check

I am deeply grateful to have recently completed yet another year of my life. Alhamdulillah. And yet, there’s a “but” that comes as a sobering appendage to that milestone or that day.

It’s not about how I feel being or looking older. It’s moreso that a birthday nowadays becomes a time to assess what has already passed, and the achievements I’ve made, or those goals I may have missed. Whether it be spiritual, financial, personal or even physical, looking back on how I have spent the past year, brings with it a mixed bag of emotions. Progress has been made on all those fronts but not to the extent I would have wished for. Some of the missed targets are nobody’s fault but my own so I accept responsibility for that. Others are simply because the circumstances didn’t present themselves despite my input.

This birthday, in particular, I didn’t want any fuss to be made over me. I didn’t ask for cards, presents or even to go out for a meal (although some of those things still happened). I genuinely wanted to simply take stock of where I am now in my life and have time to ponder on it all. A birthday, I guess, is an excuse to pause and recalibrate and think about what’s next. As the ratio of time between that part of my life already completed and that which is left, becomes less favourably balanced, I feel the pressing need to forge forward with the different projects I want to busy myself with.

No More Excuses

Procrastination will no longer do. I can see that my current routine is becoming too predictably boring and I need change and challenges. Only I can bring that into being so this blog is being written as a promise to do that. It will serve almost as a testimonial to myself that I have made a bold pledge to take action and take it now! Knowing the best part of my life is passing by (or has already!), I must stop talking and actually switch to “doing”. Insha’Allah, I hope I hold myself accountable and can look back and claim that I did do what I set out to do.

Yet, I must also acknowledge the things I have accomplished. It is not that I haven’t accomplished some of my goals. For starters, only this past year, I managed to go alone on a charity trip to the desert in Algeria and had such a life-changing experience. Although I was there to help others, for me, the trip was a wonderful experience and brought me right out of my comfort zone. It taught me to set the bar higher for myself and to never talk myself out of something without trying it first. That trip was the harbinger of change in this late stage of my life and put me in a mindset that speaks to me encouragingly. InshaAllah, there are many similarly uplifting experiences waiting for me to create and execute.

Spiritual vs Temporal: Riches in Poverty

Welcoming a New Club Member

Room for One More

Recently, a friend of mine announced her plans to leave her husband after years of fruitlessly trying to make their marriage work. To be completely honest, this wasn’t the first time I’d heard her say that. She had mentioned it years before although, back then, she wasn’t so firm in her resolve and was hanging onto hope. But now, she explained the past failed attempts at reconciliation, marriage counselling and even silent suffering were proof that something has to give. She has had enough. I left her that day wondering if there was not anything I could have said or done to lead her to a different outcome…

The truth is, there wasn’t.

Over time, I have listened, consoled and advised her not to rush her decision to leave as it isn’t one to be taken lightly. The grass always looks greener on the other side. I recall sharing anecdotes from my own single-mother life. There were no embellishments and I ensured she got an insight into the most mundane and tedious tasks that I have had to take on. I made no secret that, often, I’ve felt completely burnt out and just want to curl up into a ball and disappear for a few days. I’ve had days where it has all got a bit too much being responsible for everything and everyone,every time. It was important my friend got to know the harsh realities of this life since this is what she would be signing up for should she choose this route.

So, I appeased myself knowing that I had not given a false or misleading picture of what the future might entail for her. Should she finally decide to make it on her own, there will be significant differences in our stories. Her children are young adults now whereas mine were not. She has a safety net provided by immediate family. I did not. She also is choosing to leave. I did not. Those three factors alone are huge advantages for her. And perhaps that’s where Allah’s blessing lies (amongst other things). She admits not being as strong as I was and therefore Allah has not given her tall orders like I was compelled to face. If she leaves now, ironically there will be less trauma to contend with as her children are so much older than mine were. They have already been made aware that this outcome might befall their family and so have been preparing for it for years.

And there’s the Other Side of the Coin…

But as Asian women, we are led to believe that it’s easier or more practical to remain married. The upset that a separation of two parents would cause is simply not worth the hassle. The children will inevitably suffer. There can be no happiness to be found after a breakup. How will a woman cope alone? What will people say? And so the list goes on.

However, I stand as testimony that this doesn’t need to be the case. Whether a woman is asked to leave or chooses to leave herself, another form of happiness will eventually fill the previous void. We learn to create something out of nothing and give it substance and nurture it till is blossoms into a new existence of its own. I will always subscribe to the adage, “every cloud has a silver lining“. In my own case, the cloud is continually shrinking and the silver lining dominates. One day perhaps, the cloud will simply be no more.

With that mindset, I have faith and confidence that my friend (and her family) will find a new version of peace and happiness even if she pushes ahead with her plan. Dare I say, it might even be healthier for them all. There will be emotional adjustments to be made alongside practical ones but I know human beings are resilient creatures. We underestimate ourselves too often. I know if I were to weigh the positives and negatives of being single again, the former would outweigh the latter. I may have been the target of one bullet but I have dodged many more since then, Alhamdulillah.

No longer in the Firing Line

Not Yet Done

In Awe and Amazement at the Alhambra, Spain

As the months and years go by, I realise that there is so much I have yet to see and do. In today’s terminology, I guess these things would form my ‘bucket list’. It’s not that I know what all of them even are as I know that there are some things out there I have yet to discover but when/if I do get to try them, I’ll know that they were things I’m so glad I tried.

A case in point is my recent road trip to Spain with my sons and others. This expedition was something that came into fruition only recently and at the first mention of the idea, I absolutely rejected it. However, some weeks later I found myself driving through France all the way to Southern Spain and relishing every minute of it. It wasn’t about the destination per se but the journey in and of itself was something to cherish.

Blended Natural and Man-Made Beauty

There were many moments I would retreat into my own thoughts, despite seemingly being totally present in the company of others, only to reflect and wander in awe how Allah had given me yet another opportunity to marvel at life. From the people we encountered to the stunning natural vistas and captivating architectural splendours, all of these facets collided to create a feast for the senses. At some points, I simply couldn’t absorb any more because of being in sensory overdrive. But it was all a delicious feast, Alhamdulillah.

None of this I’d probably have ever experienced if my own personal circumstances had not provided the backdrop. What did my trip to Spain have anything to do with my divorce ten years ago? Well, no doubt my life would have taken a very different trajectory. However, Allah had other plans whereby He knew my sons and I would execute this idea into action and make unimaginably wonderful memories along the way. The re-routing of my life all those years ago was the harbinger for all that has followed since. It’s for this reason I now have a rekindled zest for life which has been aglow for so long.

Although I’m only too aware of my mortality, I’m also aware that the desire to squeeze as much as I can out of my remaining years, isn’t inherently a negative thing. I choose to remain rooted in my faith and yet combined with the desire to explore life more, I see that these are not two diametrically opposed things. I may be in the grips of wanderlust, but I believe I’m deservedly so as my travels have helped educate and liberate me. They have only ever lead me straight back to an eternal gratitude to Allah for all He has endowed me with on this earth. I pray that I forever remain in that default position of gratitude and always view my life through that lens. This applies not just to travelling but also the more routine things in life that can equally generate awe such as a good day at work. It’s for these very reasons that I say I am “not yet done“. I pray I never am satiated by life and manage to remember Allah through it all and extract what I can from it to carry me confidently into the next realm that awaits, insha’Allah.

Adventure on the Horizon

The Other Side of the River

Enjoying the View from the New Side of the River

There are some bridges in life that, once crossed, you would hope that there will never be a need to return to the same point of origin on the other side. For the longest time, almost 10 years in fact, I have been standing on the opposite bank of the river knowing I would never want to return to where I once was.

However, I realise that circumstances do – and will – change over time. What I thought was something guaranteed never to happen, happened. So, I found myself recently reaching out to my ex-husband to discuss a matter which involved our son. Nothing ominous but rather a conscious move where I realised that our collective input as parents would be useful on this occasion.

The decision to find a way back to the other river bank was mine alone. Not prompted by anyone else. Just some soul-searching which had me questioning if the move was justified, necessary or even useful. But I knew the decision was nothing about me or the previous ‘us’ but all about my son and his benefit. With that intention, I made the bold step in reaching out to a person I vowed I would never wish to contact again.

Parental Duties Call

Having sent the email, and taking time to absorb the magnamity of what I had just done, I concluded that this was proof in itself that I have reached a point of no return. Contradictory statement perhaps. But, ironically, I had only metaphorically rowed back to the other bank which I had departed from years ago. Mentally, my feet are firmly planted in the spot where I am now, very much in the present. I had just fulfilled a sense of duty, nothing more, nothing less.

Hitting ‘send’ on that email was a watershed moment for me, finally affirming to myself that I am emotinally much much stronger and am not the vulnerable person I was all those years ago. I didn’t feel any tension or anxiety in the process. I wasn’t even concerned if that person would choose not to reply. It was just something I knew I had to do. I had managed to put rationale before buried frustrations from years before. I hadn’t actually realised how far I have come along until then. It was as if Allah had sent a revelation to me in His mysterious ways saying, “You have arrived!”. How liberating it feels to know I can communicate with this person now but not feel a surge of emotion, like I once did so many years ago.

I finally understand I have regained control of my life and am more mature and in control. I know there have been many incidents along the way which have attested to that, from the people I have made friends with to the friends who’ve decided to step away. All of them and more have shaped my resolve to carry on and preserve my own wellbeing. I truly understand why it is often said that a fearless woman is not someone to be taken lightly. Alhamdulillah, I feel I have stepped into that realm and am relishing it in its totality.

My boat will remain anchored on this side of the river for a long while yet.

Not Rushing to Go Anywhere

Sisterhood

In the years since I took on the role of raising my sons alone, without their father, I’ve been blessed with the unwavering support of a select few friends who’ve formed part of my inner circle and kept me strong and hopeful. Whether it has been their kind words when I needed to hear them most, or practical help with gifts or ideas about work, all these things combined have helped prevent me from drowning in despair, Alhamdulillah.

My own sisters, each in their own capacity, have been pillars of support too. After all, they know me the most. Had it not been for the fact that from day to day, week to week, month to month, these gracious souls have given me a bit of themselves selflessly, I would not have remained optimistic and determined to soldier on. We often think that money will solve all our problems. However, any wise person would know that’s not remotely true. Money can’t buy family and friends; it can’t prevent illnesses and too much of it certainly brings more unwelcome burdens.

The Panacea in Dreams

What good would money have done for me when I was in the darkest depths of my sorrow? It wouldn’t have restored my life to the way I wished it had remained. Although money goes a long way to alleviating some stresses in life, it’s not the panacea many fools think it is. I would argue that a strong faith in Allah is the panacea to problems because it is through that lens that everything in life becomes manageable and intelligble. And within that, He puts some special people who help facilitate that navigation process.

I’ve learnt that, on the balance of things, the blessing my female friends and family have brought me, invariably outweighs what one man could have done for me. Although I did feel very privileged to have existed in a congenial marriage, it had run its course and an alternative to it had to be found. That’s where my friends inadvertantly stepped in and have remained ever since.

Alhamdulillah, for them all. They have no idea they are priceless treasures who have been dependable and trustworthy. I have no intention of swapping my status quo with them for anyone else.

A Metaphor for Female Friendship

Shifting Gears

Slowing Down to Speed Up Elsewhere

It’s been something I’ve been contemplating for several months but only conceded to more recently – I need to review my routine and switch up things to get more out of life.

There’s no denying that age is catching up with me and I realise I wouldn’t dare try to do things now which I probably did much younger without thinking. Things like jumping from the fifth step to the bottom of the stairs or cycling down a steep slope. No doubt, I have to exercise much more caution now and that is an interesting pun in itself. I am exercising in the sense that I am trying to preserve my health but also with the understanding that I do so more as a preventative measure against other ailments. Health concerns such as loss of bone density, menopause and muscular dystrophy are some of the many concerns that women my age have to contend with.

With all that in mind, I’ve decided that I need to shift down gears when it comes to my work commitments. Easier said than done when financial demands have a chokehold on my life and hold me captive to the point of stagnation. I am yearning for something different but that difference has to be financially viable. No point in wooing change if it does not pay the bills.

Same Place but New Goals

So, whilst I feel the desperate need to slow down, ironically I also want to change lanes and gain momentum in other ways. Not because I am racing to reach a target. But because I am – and have been for some time – feeling restless. My brain and my soul equally are both in dire need of a new stimulus. Just like how the same exercise routine at the gym will cause the body to plateau in terms of weight loss, so too my mind needs to be jolted out of a predictable comfort zone and find something new to satiate it.

My own weakness is procrastination and a niggling feeling of self-doubt that never leaves me. I know I must take the plunge and pour more of myself into my personal projects. Whether I succeed or not is not the issue. It is moreso that I don’t surrender to my pessimistic thoughts before I’ve even tried. Having people in my inner circle who goad me to take action, has been a much-needed impetus that I”ve needed. Insha’Allah, I feel I might just be on the cusp of taking action simply because this current situation, without anything to excite me, is becoming extremely untenable.

So, whilst the gears need to be lowered, I aim to move into a new lane and essentially keep moving forward with a greater expectant hope for new things around the bend.

Beautiful Views Await

Embracing Old(er) Age

Time Ticking By

We live in a world which bombards us with images of perfection. Glossy magazines, social media influencers and celebrity culture do their utmost to promote themselves but in the process make the average person feel far from adequate. It takes a strong character to not be beguiled by such pressure to conform.

As an older person, I realise that even if I had that desire to constantly look not just good, but amazing, I would end up desperately unhappy or exhausted or both. Alhamdulillah, it’s a blessing that this consumerist culture which is rife given the existence of social media, is something that came too late for my generation. We escaped its intrusive tentacles.

Keeping the Routine Simple

For that reason, I find that whilst I still want to look presentable at this later stage of life, I don’t feel the need to explore unrealistic and unsustainable measures to feign a more youthful look… unless I succumb to botox or something as inane. I have slowly come to accept that ageing is a process I can’t postpone. There is no denying that I am not a fresh-faced 20-something. However, as my own sister once reminded me, we had our time and now others will be coming up behind us to occupy the ranks of youth.

Although I would be a liar if I said I don’t lament the loss of a degree of radiance, I also know that a) ageing can be done with dignity and grace and b) the outwardly appearance is less important as the inner physical health. The irony is that it is really in the last few years I have taken a more serious stance on my physical and (therefore) mental wellbeing. The fear of dying in a decrepit state is what spurs me on to preserve what I can now. Of course, there is no telling what my last days will look like but prevention is definitely better than cure.

But alongside the seemingly superficial aspect of ageing, I actually relish the phase of life I’m in now where I can put myself first. Unashamedly so. Deservedly so. Honestly so. This is what I understand embracing old age to be – I own it and am determined to make it work for me, insha’Allah.

Working With and Not Against the Ageing Process

10+ Years in 6 Hours

Events Bottled Up

Sounds highly improbable and confusing but that’s exactly what happened last Saturday when an old friend and I met after so many years to catch up on each other’s lives.

Of course, as expected, we only just scratched the surface but the hiatus in our in-person interactions over time had done nothing to interfere with the instant reconnection we shared when we sat down together that day, Alhamdulillah! Even as I was driving on my way to meet my friend, Aziza, I was reminiscing on so many coincidences and incidents we’d shared, to the point I felt quite emotional. There have been some uncanny parallels in our lives including the times we both got married and, subsequently, divorced. I’ve known her for half my life and seeing her that day, those twenty years and more flashed through my mind like a silent sepia picture story.

Sometimes Still, Sometimes Troubled

It was a truly poignant reunion – thinking about what was, what is and what could have been. Neither of us imagined how the trajectory of our lives would pan out the way that it did but here we are now and trying to make the best of what we have. And although I last saw her over ten years ago, the truth is, our friendship started well before that time and a lot of water has passed under that bridge.

My meeting with Aziza, because of our similar stories, made me reflect on my past married life, including all the highs and lows. I don’t usually retreat into that zone these days as I think I’ve exhausted my emotions there. I have rinsed myself of my past to the extent where I don’t well up inside with a burgeoning grief. I can actually look back with a detached stance which in itself tells me that I have made good progress and have largely healed. So, when talking about marriage and divorce with Aziza, I found myself simply relaying facts without embellishment. I was telling a story as if I were talking about somebody else. But I think that is just the point. It was somebody else. The old me has evolved from a chrysalis into somebody who is more confident, comfortable and calm with herself and her outlook on life. I have risen from the debris of my past.

So, nostalgia does not come easily these days. I have made peace with my lot and am now working on extracting the best I can from my present life. It’s taken me ten years to create a new existence for myself and my sons. Today, I have moved into another mental zone where I occupy the centre of concentric circles which radiate out to my sons, family and beyond. I am the centre of my own attention and believe this pattern will hold until the end. I know it’s the same for my friends who are in a similar situation to me. We have worked hard to come towards the centre and it is here we are determined to remain. The centre we occupy has room only for Allah as we have learnt to eliminate the NPCs (non-playable characters). It’s a very liberating and rewarding spot to be in and the self-nurture has been instrumental towards inner peace and contentment, Alhamdulillah.

Putting Me First and in the Centre

Older But Younger

Moving Forwards and Backwards at the Same Time

It’s been a lifetime of going through long periods of low self-esteem and then short-lived bouts of positivity but finally, at this late stage of life, I feel I have finally sown the seed of confidence within.

It’s the type of confidence that tells me that I don’t need validation from others; lately I’ve found a freedom of expression be it through my attire or social circle or even my daily routine. All these things combined have helped release me into a zone where I continue to have a yearning to live and enjoy a sense of contentment and peace, Alhamdulillah.

I’d be lying if I said that state has been a constant. It hasn’t been. Rather, there have been blips and dips. I’ve had phases where I become so despondent and ask myself why bother to even reach that ever-elusive goal of perfection – perfection in the way I look, in the balance between work, exercise and rest and in the interactions with family and friends.

My Comfortable Niche as a Picture

However, somehow, over the last few years, I’ve worked out my niche and have established a lifestyle whereby all those elements that make the whole have come into play quite well. The nicest thing I remind myself is that I get to control a lot of it and if there’s something that’s not quite right, it’s up to me to redress that balance. Nobody gets to interrupt or skew my goals.

Perhaps I haven’t articulated my thoughts too well here. But I guess what I’m also saying is that the single life in my twilight years has its advantages. No stresses brought about by a husband and his whims, expectations or demands. That’s not to denigrate marriage. For sure, marriage has many beautiful advantages and joys. However, now that I’m no longer married, I have learnt to cherish this situation and use it to my advantage. The bitter-sweet has evolved more into just sweet. And for that I am truly grateful.

I realise that Allah doesn’t give everyone everything. And that’s fine. I put my trust in His decision. Rather than lament what is seemingly lacking, I will immerse myself in what He has bestowed upon me, most of which I am not even aware of.

The older me is now living the younger version of my life. It’s not a recap of the past. It’s more a second chance in life to appreciate my own company but with a self-confidence I never had back then. I can now focus on myself having sacrificed the better part of these last 25+ years to marriage/children/post-divorce trauma. Alhamdulillah, I believe I’m at peace at last with my lot. I’ve come to terms with my situation and know that Allah wants the best for me like He does for everyone else. So the zest for life is like that of a young person who eagerly seeks their fortune with hope and zeal except I have much more life experience behind me.

I wouldn’t change what I have now for anything.

A New Discovery