Introspection

In the journey of finding out about the self, I have learnt one salient thing. It is that I enjoy the company of others, be it family or friends or beyond. That’s not to say I like big crowds or to be amongst random people. Actually, I prefer smaller gatherings where meaningful conversations happen and relationships are fostered rather than having to shout across a room of strangers to be heard – but not necessarily listened to.

As I move through my latter years, I envisage that I will not do well being on my own for long periods of time. The empty silence makes the mind wonder and causes me to slip backwards to painful memories. I speak candidly about these experiences so that others reading this will know they aren’t alone and will recognise the pitfalls that they might find themselves sinking into. The best way to avoid that peril is to keep oneself occupied in meaningful pursuits that don’t allow those haunting memories to surreptitiously creep back in.

For those who don’t know me, declaring that I dread long stretches of time alone could be misconstrued as me suggesting I have secret designs to remarry. To be honest, in the seven or so years that I have been on my own, I have never entertained the idea of venturing into that territory again. I could easily have considered taking another chance in marriage. However, just the thought of it is exhausting. Marriage isn’t the stuff of fairy tales and is hard work. Quite frankly, I don’t have the gumption for it any more. There’s also the adage, “once bitten, twice shy” which serves as a prelude to all my thoughts on that subject. These days, I actually enjoy moving in social circles and yet being able to step out of them when I need the time to recalibrate. I have had truly wonderful times together with some of my family and other female companions so much so that I feel my life is now quite nicely balanced.

Of course, there are times I wish I could pass the reigns of life onto someone else and not have to be at the helm constantly. However, that’s more to do with practical concerns and not emotional ones. My closest family members and closest friends have been my unwavering support and so far, that combination has served me well, Alhamdulillah. In fact, the one major liberation is knowing I am not being assessed in any way. What they see is what they get. Key performance indicators within marriage are no longer my concern.

By nature, I am a gregarious person and there are not many situations where I find myself completely unable to take part. That default state has helped me survive and thrive over the last few years especially. Now, I finally have the chance to express myself and represent myself again without being the appendage of anyone else. Basking in my own spotlight is something I continue to do unreservedly. It’s taken a very long time to own that spot but own it I will. And there’s only room for one.