This is going to be one of those ‘thinking out loud’ moments. Privately, I have often gone back and randomly selected one of my own blog posts from the past to assess how true I have been to myself and to see what progress, if any, I have made since then. Have my opinions shifted? Have I only paid lip service to my words? It’s good to pause every so often and take stock.
To be honest, I stand by everything I have written so far over the course of three years. That’s because although I write sometimes impromptu, I have been carrying the sentiments for a much longer time and so they have had the chance to settle and take root in my mind much earlier. They are not ‘off the cuff’ reactionary remarks but thoughts I have pondered over for ages.
It’s heartwarming to have received feedback from family, friends and complete strangers. To know that my words have resonated with someone, or helped them through a dark moment, is ultimately what the purpose of writing here has been in the first place. This was never meant to be a platform to rant relentlessly. That is not conducive to anything except regret later on. I believe in trying to be constructively reflective; it’s important to be calm and rational. It’s especially important to keep moving forward.
If life is a train and we are the passengers, we should know too well that, at certain stops along the way, others will board that train and then disembark. Some will sit right next to us and engage, some will sit in silence and yet others will simply ride the same carriage with no real interaction. But the journey is unique to us and ours alone. This train I am on is moving full steam ahead and in one direction only. So, my stance is to sit back and enjoy the view.
The initial shock of divorce seven years ago has long since given way to a deep-seated contentment with my life now. It was the harbinger for so many positive changes in my life since then, Alhamdulillah. The most noticeable theme that permeates now is that I have regained control of things which are about me. I doubt I could ever relinquish that again. It’s not that I was oppressed in marriage but it is true that most women surrender so many of their own choices and preferences, from the food they cook to the people they mix with, to accommodate their spouse’s. And even after all that sacrifice, ultimately it sometimes is still not enough and the marriage comes unravelling.
I am done with all that. No more shifting goalposts to keep up with and no more reading between the lines. I only have to think for one. Myself. It has been great for my mental and physical wellbeing and my spiritual state has actually been positively challenged too. So, whilst on the outside it would appear that I have lost, the actual truth is that I have gained a cumulative total of things which are worth far, far more than the embodiment of that single person who walked out. Alhamdulillah. I would do it all again as well if I had to because I know that nobody ever dies of divorce. If anything, it is just the beginning of living.
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