One thing I hope never to do is to dissuade my own sons from the idea of marriage. Regardless of my own not seeing it to the end of time, there’s no need to be completely cynical about this institution as a whole. (Maybe the word ‘institution’ needs to be revamped. It has such negative connotations as if a person enters marriage as a form of incarceration waiting to be corrected or educated; they need to be contained and moulded to fit a new life framework).
Of course, for every one in three marriages that ends in divorce, that means twice the number do not. And that is a statistic that needs to be highlighted still. Perhaps those success stories have more to do with tolerance, patience and a benign acceptance of fate rather than a yearly rekindled romance. But that’s the cynic in me talking. I know that, even if a tiny minority, the reality is that there do exist couples who have striven tirelessly to work together through the years and be successful as a unit and still keep going. No doubt, that’s the category I would like to see my own sons fall into one day inshaAllah.
Having seen the challenges I have faced as a woman on my own, I believe they are more acutely aware of how their female counterparts will be naturally adept at running a home and having the pulse on matters outside of it. In my own situation, juggling two jobs and managing the affairs of my household is something my sons have been witness to for some time now. I have been running to stand still for several years. This is something not lost on them and inshaAllah, they will enter their own marriages already appreciative of how talented a woman is or can be.
Whilst that is not diminishing the contribution that a man makes in his marriage, it is usually the case that women are instinctively more able at balancing so much. Throughout time, we have seen that they can perform the usual humdrum chores at home with an unparalleled efficiency. The next generation of young men have to be mindful of that; women are not the helpless, dependent creatures that many of their mothers or grandmothers were before them. There seems to be an audacity in the 21st century which allows women to have the courage to leave a marriage on their own terms if need be. They are more financially solvent so the fear of going solo isn’t as intense as it was for generations of women previously. I have spoken to my sons about all these potential scenarios. It is not to dampen their enthusiasm. I just never want them to think of marriage with a complacent or arrogant attitude.
It’s not that marriage is necessarily a difficult playing field. It is more that nothing can be taken for granted by either party. I do believe the next generation have fewer cultural hang-ups as their connection to their cultural roots is more tenuous anyway. Maybe that’s a liberating thing. Maybe it’s not. But the truth is that women won’t be easily silenced into submissiveness and simply endure a hapless marriage. Men might find they have to work much harder emotionally to gauge where their wives are at. Do I envy anyone in that boat? No.
The independent woman of today is able to stand on her own two feet. It means that a husband is not as indispensable as he might have been in years gone by. Of course, a successful marriage is not simply about healthy incomes and maintaining a minimum standard of living. The connection of two people emotionally and spiritually is what should bind them together through thick and thin. On this score, a husband might find himself having to work harder to keep the marriage alive and thriving since emotional intuition doesn’t come naturally to most men. To be fair, it’s a prerequisite that should exist on both sides.
For my own sons, I can only guide and offer my perspective as a woman. I hope they will take heed of my advice and tap into a resource which will give them the unfiltered truth and help prepare them for a successful marriage, inshaAllah.
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