Sometimes, as an individual, we are a bag of inner contradictions. I am no exception. I’ve been talking lately about the things I want to achieve – both short-term and long-term – and then I question myself about what steps I’ve made to achieve them. Then again, I think, “Actually, I have made a promising start! I mustn’t be too hard on myself.” I know I have made some inroads into things I want to do before my time is up.
Perhaps the real issue is that feeling of restlessness or monotony. I feel I want to start a new project or enter the unknown. The predictable pattern of life is becoming rather stale and unappetizing. The familiar offers no new challenges or excitement. Waiting with baited breath for that new adventure around the corner is what I’m looking for now. Of course, I know that the familiar is a safe place and safe space to navigate my way through. But precisely because I know that each passing day is tantamount to even more limited time on Earth, I want to make the most of it and explore new possibilities. I even worry about my mental faculties. Who knows how long it will be before aspects of my health begin to fail? Do I want to live with major regrets?
I guess I am too hard on myself. If I list all the things I’ve achieved especially since I restarted my life on my own with my sons, Alhamdulillah I haven’t done too badly. Beyond the humdrum responsibilities which I’ve taken care of, I have had chances to take my foot off the pedal and relax and still enjoy life. There have been many joyous occasions I can recall – and I plan to continue creating them, inshaAllah. It’s not just about holidays and material desires but also the less obvious and less tangible things like the freedom to appreciate the great outdoors and to see the sky, breathe in fresh air and walk under a canopy of trees. All the things we take for granted and which for some people around the world are complete luxuries…
So, I count those everyday blissful sensory experiences which would never make it on most people’s bucket list either because they are woefully oblivious of the generosity Allah has bestowed on them or because (not through any fault of their own) they are limited by some sort of physical confinement which prevents them from being immersed in that experience.
Thus, I hope my targets which I have set for myself in this material world all are rooted in a deep appreciation for the gift of life itself. Whether I acknowledge those things from the comfort of my own home or by searching for it far and wide, I hope everything I achieve or experience is always consciously linked back to my Creator.
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