How fortuitous that I should stumble across this new word! Since I started my blog, I have had feedback from those women I know, and those I don’t, telling me how my story resonates with their own either wholly or tangentially. What they also say is they have found comfort from knowing they are not alone – that I managed to express thoughts which they had been at a loss to articulate for themselves. I feel as if I have invited them onto the stage with me where together we have found a collective voice to share our stories of pain, sorrow, confusion but so too of hope, confidence and determination. It has been humbling and heartwarming.
Today, I want to simply take stock of the last four years and pause to acknowledge that I have not just survived, but thrived Alhamdulillah, despite the many times I have felt overwhelmed with worry, guilt and helplessness about life. The decision to commit my thoughts to paper was not an easy one. To be honest, there have many times I have almost convinced myself that some things are better left buried and forgotten. After all, writing a blog like this is to expose my vulnerabilities. Talking out loud about deeper reflections is not a decision to be taken lightly. But I knew that with my passion for writing, this exercise was going to be cathartic. I also might just be able to help another wounded soul out there too. I needed to see the words materialise in front of me as a starting point of acknowledging what I had been through lately. It was to come out of denial. Since I started to write, I have surprised myself occasionally. At times the emotions have been deeper where I least expected; other times I have only given fleeting mention to some incidents and managed to forge ahead without giving them much thought.
In all of it, I have tried my outmost best to stay true to my faith. There is no doubt that the Quran and the Seerah, the biography of the Noble Prophet (peace be upon him), are the guiding lights in the lives of Muslims. Anyone who has a meaningful relationship with those two monoliths will find solutions to their problems and also, inshaAllah, ways to cultivate peace within themselves. Through reading the Seerah. I learnt how the best of Allah’s creation, the Prophet (pbuh) himself, expressed sorrow for the personal tragedies he experienced. Like all humans, he experienced tears and anguish and consequently, deep conversations with Allah. If this was the best of Allah’s creation, then who was I? As a lesser human, I found vindication for my outpouring of grief in those early days. I took my cues from the Prophet (pbuh), learning about his Year of Sorrow, how he was struck with tragedies and grief and yet never wavering in his connection with Allah. Slowly, I was beginning to evolve. This wasn’t a Darwinian evolution; this was a spiritual awakening. Like how every mother knows the pain and discomfort she experiences in the gestation period before she gives birth to a beautiful entity, this was the metaphor for the last few years of my life. I grew confident that slowly but surely, something wonderful was about to be born.
At the same time, I also learnt to be kinder to myself for the many wobbly moments in the understanding of my faith. Islam acknowledges the struggle many people go through especially emotionally and spiritually, when a test or a tragedy unfolds in their lives. It would be foolish to assume we are perfunctory beings and have robotic responses to any given situation. Nobody is born armed with all the knowledge they need to conduct themselves in every eventuality in life. Even if textbook knowledge does exist, theories never have any true meaning unless put into practice. So one of the biggest the testing grounds for my theoretical knowledge, however limited, was to come about in 2016, with my divorce. I was about to be tested like I had never been before.
One of the greatest comforts I found in the past few years, since I have been raising my children without their father, is that Allah allows for expressions of pain, anger, frustration and confusion. He never asked us to deny the complex parts that make us whole. This includes the good, bad and the ugly. The only criterion is that He wants us to work within given boundaries and not transgress our principle beliefs as a Muslim. If I ever had questions about life how has panned out, it was not borne out of a doubt of my identity as a Muslim; it was more me trying to understand what the test was all about – for I always knew it was a test.
In all honesty, my Imaan (faith) did peak and trough whilst I tried to walk through the dark tunnel I had found myself in. I would be a liar if I said it hadn’t. There was a simultaneous guilt for I knew I was vacillating between faith and ingratitude…..and yes, I would argue those two constructs are exact opposites. To have faith is to take the rough with the smooth and be content. But I see now that I had to go through some serious self-questioning to realise that at the end of the day, there is no escaping Allah’s decree. We come from HIm only to return to Him. We cannot deny this.
So, returning to the word ‘meliorism’. I live with a confident optimism that I can make life as positive as I want because it all depends on my perspective. I have already spoken about the glass half full rather than half empty. It is an aphorism I stick by. Positive thoughts lead to positive happenings in life. With that in mind, I hope to infuse hope to those who may perhaps find themselves in a similar situation. When I see the far-flung countries where my blog has been viewed, I secretly hope that someone somewhere has been moved enough to believe I am talking about them as much as myself. Positivity can be contagious. It should be contagious. All the while, we need to be real about what lies within our control and what doesn’t. But to know that I may have touched the life of even one person, and given them hope that they can – and will – thrive again, is worth all the hours I pour into this project. Insha’Allah I want to let others know that everything is going to be OK, if only they will allow it to be.