I’m at that stage of life where I find my emotions oscillating between a curious mixture of hopeful excitement for my own sons vis-a-vis quiet acceptance of my own uneventful future. Of course, I know that hope and excitement isn’t the exclusive rights of the younger generation. Those in my age group have every right to claim these things for ourselves too. Being older doesn’t mean that we should resign from life and just never expect to look forward to wonderful moments of expected or unexpected change.
So, that’s the situation I am in right now. It’s like walking across a bridge over a river and pausing at exactly halfway point. When I look at the side of the river bank where I am heading, I see that I am waiting to immerse myself in the new adventures that my sons are going to be embarking on next… education, jobs and even marriage! When I turn to face the other side from where I started off, I see the closing years of my elderly mother and of a chapter of my life that will end with it. (Not that there is any absolute guarantee that I will outlive her. )That makes me quite sad because even though she claims to be content with her lot, there has always been a bitterness and remorse that she has carried throughout her life. It could have been lived out much more fully. As it is, I stand on that bridge watching both these opposite elements of my life moving independently through time. My loyalties are torn between both.
Where does that leave that part of my life that I can call my own? Well, all these other parts overlap and are intertwined with whatever I have created for myself, be it work or recreation. None of these can exist in perfect isolation. What I always endeavour to do though, is to consciously conclude that it’s all good. Even the challenges bring enlightenment and a cause to reconnect it all to the purpose of being on this Earth in the first place.
For me, looking back is always counterweighted by looking forward. That’s the reason why I can’t be stuck for too long. Even when my mind involuntarily slips back to the past ,I am often abruptly brought back to my present existence and remind myself so many reasons to be grateful. Alhamdulillah, the recalibration is effortless. I do believe it is because of my inherently positive nature and a zest for life that becomes more intense as time on this Earth inevitably decreases as well.
No point crying over spilt milk and definitely no point in allowing opportunities to slip by only to regret it later. I want to celebrate life – both my own and those nearest to me, not least my sons. I don’t want them to remember their own mother with a deep remorse that she was not part of their lives in every sense. InshaAllah, as long as Allah allows, that is not how they will ultimately remember me.
mymotherhalf.com 