As my sons move through their lives and complete different milestones, so too do they reach new ones ahead which are yet to be accomplished. Right now, I am waiting for them to secure jobs in their respective fields and then insha’Allah, further down the line, think about marriage. This seems to be the natural progression of life for many people.
The topic of marriage is one that I discuss with them every now and then even though there is no definitve plan for it now or even any potential partner lined up. It seems that I am jumping the gun or putting the cart before the horse. However, I also know that this isn’t something a person embarks upon in a flippant, unprepared moment. It takes months – if not years – of consideration. Given the profundity of this great chapter in life, I want to impart my own knowledge and experience to my sons so that they can be mentally prepared, if nothing else.
It might seem I would have only negative things to say about marriage given mine didn’t last till “death us do part.” But that couldn’t be further from the truth. There are still a lot of positive things to be said about two people coming together to create an amazingly beautiful new life if they care to work at it wholeheartedly. So, I take the benefit of my own past experiences – good and bad – and try to objectively relay them to my sons so that they avoid certain pitfalls or celebrate possible wins when it comes to their own life choices.
Whilst I’m always open to the idea of them finding their own marriage partner, I would still like to be able to express my opinion or share my advice when the time comes. This is because I know they themselves will not be able to see the wood for the trees once they are seriously interested in someone. “Love is blind” as the famous adage goes. There is definitely truth to that. It often takes an objective or outsider observation to be told if there are any red flags we should be aware of. Unfortunately, love per se will not conquer all. The reality is very different to the movies. So, it will need a level-headed other person to offer guidance from a rational mind.
There are real practical considerations to take into account when contemplating marriage and sometimes it’s these routine aspects of life that can make or break a situation. Take, for example, the question of, “Where to live?” Debates ensue between couples about proximity to each other’s respective families, or work, and this can even lead to a breaking point where the situation becomes untenable, emotions run high and the marriage suddenly is in turmoil. Love alone will not resolve the issue. This isn’t a fairy tale but real life. Of course, some of these sticky situations might arise long after two people get married and may not have presented themselves at the start. It’s impossible to predict the course of life. But having a few hypotheticals to consider before choosing to marry, would not go amiss. At least a person wouldn’t have entered the contract blindly.
This is where I feel I can help my sons look beyond what is immediately apparent when, or if, they ever have the chance to consider marriage. The benefit of hindsight is a great resource even if it is through my eyes. I will definitely have their best interests at heart – and even the interests of the person they wish to marry. After all, as a fellow female, I know only too well the sacrifices a woman is often asked expected to silently make when entering a marriage contract. There are unspoken codes which she bears with patience and resilience as she tows her husband’s line. It’s not that men don’t make sacrifices too but more often than not, the women forego much more. I believe this to be a universal truth which cuts across so many cultures, religions and societies.
When it comes to offering guidance for my own sons, I obviously am biased and want the best for them and their long-term goals. However, I feel I will be inclined to be partial to their prospective wives too simply because I know women usually quietly accept more than they care to admit for the sake of making the marriage a success. I’m sure I’ll find myself torn between loyalties to my sons and defendent for their wives. As leaders, men too often underestimate the willingness of their wives to go the extra mile (or miles and sometimes literally)! It’s these kind of conversations I engage with my sons so that they possess the acumen to understand a woman’s thought processes. Too many marriages fail because of a lack of communication. The reluctance to try and understand the other party is the root of all the problems. That’s my personal belief.
I also am thoroughly convinced that actions speak louder than words. So, at times when words can’t communicate ideas, I like to show those around me what I represent simply through the things I do, big or small. For example, washing dishes immediately after a meal is indicative of not procrastinating and wanting the house to be tidy at all times. It suggests wanting tasks to be done in a timely manner. On a bigger scale, organising a holiday abroad without relying on anyone to help, is my way of expressing independence. These examples and so many in-between are things my sons can take cues from. They show a woman’s ability and determination. And when I have my low moments, they will also see me at my worst and learn how to discern that state of mind and how to react. All this is invaluable experience for them even if just through observations.
Insha’Allah, my ultimate wish, like all mothers, is that together with their future wives, my sons will epitomise the example of harmony, peace and understanding between two people who are determined to make a success of their journey through life together. The only thing I hope to arrange for them is my presence and guidance all along the way till they reach their destination.
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