Not always true. Unfortunately, life is not so simple. There are actually times when the absence of a person is a chance for those left behind to heal and recover from gaping wounds.
That is more akin to the reality my sons and I have experienced over these last six years. Having been ravaged by the storm, we have pulled through and emerged into a sense of calm, Alhamdulillah. We have gone through our own rites of passage. I call this recent one the “post-divorce rebirth”. Now that I am standing on the other side of the fence, I can honestly say I like it here. I have acquired a new vantage point on life which I never had before and am not ready to give it up now that I am here, Alhamdulillah. I know I speak on behalf of my sons too.
Definitely so. The void that is created when a person leaves can only be felt for so long. The sense of loss for those who have been betrayed cannot be sustained forever. Life has to go on. And it does. Hearts heal. The disconnect becomes mutual and permeates across the board. In fact, I’d argue that for the victims, they reciprocate the detachment in a much more visceral manner since, unlike the aggressor, they have many emotions to purge. Therefore, the need to protect themselves again becomes an inevitable response to the situation they have just exited. It is a situation which not many fathers who leave to buy the milk ever envisage would come back to bite them. Two can play at that game.
It is arrogant for those who sought their escape to think they can return and expect the status quo to have continued in their absence. How is it that a person can seek change for themselves and yet have the audacity to think that those left behind have no right to move on too? These are the hallmarks of a narcissist: to think that the world revolves around them; they are the only ones allowed to expedite change and that everyone will naturally gravitate towards them when they return out of the blue. How presumptuous!
So, as I write today, I recognise the gallimaufry of negative emotions swirling within me – anger, frustration, hurt and dismay. After all, this post is being written at a time when the source of all that negativity has come to haunt my boys and, therefore, me too.
In the same breath, I have also decided that my sons are old enough to decide what they want from the frayed relationship with their father. This is also what I mean when I say that I want to disconnect from the whole situation to the best of my ability. It is not my place to dictate what others should feel and so, I leave it to them to figure it out. I will support them however they wish to proceed.
I am, strangely enough, content to be rid of the past and want to enjoy the blessings that my current life offers me every day – freedom and independence. Not in the sense of immorality or decadence but the peace in my mind that I do not need to answer to another human being. So, despite the resurfacing of the past, I am also confident it will eventually be contained and left to sink back into a deep place again from where it becomes increasingly difficult to retrieve.
Victim is now Victor.