As a blogger, I always write with the intention that someone out there, particularly a woman who has gone through a similar experience to me, will hopefully stumble across my musings and take comfort from knowing that she isn’t the only one feeling what she does. From speaking to friends, I know that my writing often strikes a chord with some of my readers. After all, the anecdotes I share are not unusual.
Today, I return to this inextinguishable topic of ‘divorce’. I make no apology for it. After all, the ramifications of this event in my life are still being felt. I guess they always will be. What has brought the debris of that disaster surging forward now is that one of my sons has gone to visit his father abroad. He is the first one to make the trip out there since his father and I parted ways six years ago. Although my ex-husband is in touch with his sons via mobile phone and has visited them here – they have somehow not been able (or is it willing?) to travel to see him. However, this is the first time one of my sons will be on his father’s territory and surrounded by the paternal extended family. Although the planned visit will be a brief one, I guess it will provide enough opportunity for them over there to garner information about us over here and (should I be inadvertently made aware of this) for me to become increasingly irritated.
On the one hand, I know I have the determination and strength to remain calm knowing that my life is finally moving forward and peace and happiness are two things I have reclaimed for myself again, Alhamdulillah. On the other hand, knowing my son is out there, inevitably makes me slip back into the past and some less savoury memories are relived again. And so, the yinyang forces are out in full force in the battlefield of my mind. This is what is going on inside…
I’ve come to accept that this “two steps forward/one step back” motion is one that will plague me for a long while yet. I haven’t completely exorcised the darker memories from within; I wonder sometimes if I ever will. What I do know though is that the time for my sons to be more involved with their father, on their terms, is ripe. They are mature enough to know they have a duty towards him and to separate my relationship or experience with him from their own.
This is why I have no qualms about my son being out there today. I understand it is the right of both father and sons to nurture that relationship and I have always made it abundantly clear that I would never stand in their way. What is more, over these past few years, my sons and I have grown closer together in a way which may not have happened had their father and I not separated, Alhamdulillah. That mother-son relationship is one I treasure and hold dearly and is a solid silver lining around the dark cloud. This is my rational self talking; at these times, I can easily separate my erratic emotions from sound Islamic teachings.
My faith in Allah, the custodian of my thoughts – indeed, my life – is the reason why, despite the resurgence of the pain from the past, I know I will be OK in the end. Every step I take towards detaching myself a little from the past and walking towards a more honourable goal, is the only way I can be sure I am doing OK. That goal isn’t about getting even or taking revenge. It is simply about acknowledging that Allah had – and has – a better plan for me. I would much rather lose in this life but score a victory where it matters most.