Consistency or Adventure?

Some would argue that a predictable life is something to covet as it offers security in that plans can be made well ahead of time. Every stage of life is clearly and neatly mapped out. Part of that predictability is the foresight to include contigency plans for times when things may not go exactly the way we originally intended. Others would claim that this kind of life exudes a boring monotony and is too staid. There are no unforeseen challenges in which an individual can truly realise their untapped and hidden potential.

I fall into the latter group.

True, sudden diversions and roadblocks on the journey through life aren’t to be glamorised. They are more often than not, a great nuisance. However, that’s the initial gut reaction we have whilst going through the stress that such situations create. But once we plough through and come out the other end, we can sometimes look back, reflect and be grateful for the reinvented version of ourselves. For it is these very situations that make us mature, be appreciative and embolden us to face the next unprecedented circumstance with a confidence which was lacking before.

To take an example… A change in financial circumstances where we worry about how the next month’s bills will be paid, is one which many people are familiar with. I am no stranger to that scenario. For the last few years especially, where I have not had a husband to rely on for financial advice or decisions, I have had to learn to be confident in making independently bold choices about running a home myself. That burden has been on my shoulders alone (and still is). However, lately I have convinced myself (quite rightly) that I will no longer be mentally enslaved by money worries. After all, it is ruinous to my mental health and does no favours to my physical wellbeing too. What’s more, given I have managed to support myself and my sons thus far and we are still with a roof over our heads, I think that’s testimony enough that I have been successful in juggling my finances alone, Alhamdulillah. The experience has taught me more about myself – that I can do certain things if I trust my own abilities.

Having been abruptly placed in this new situation since 2016, I have had to learn how to stay afloat or risk sinking altogether. It unleashed within me a zeal to fight and regain control of my life. In the process, the self-discoveries showed me that nobody was worthy of being in possession of my happiness and that what I had gained was far more than what I had lost. I surprised myself and continue to do so. I value my independence too much now.

Even if I had the chance for an eternally predictable life, I would never have chosen to have become a Stepford wife. I don’t envy women who have lives of leisure, squandering both time and money. That existence is worthless. I guess such women would look at me in disdain and pity as I don’t have the ease they may enjoy. What I do have though, is self-respect and a dignity that refuses to accept that my lifestyle is totally dependent on the whims and demands of another human being… because sometimes that’s what a marriage becomes for many women: quietly disgruntled at the disproportionate service of a self-acclaimed superior other person.

I don’t hanker for unnecessary indulgence in material possessions, just enough to allow me some pleasures and ease in life. What is most satisfying is knowing that the comfort Allah has afforded me has been as a result of His generosity only. Part of that is that I have been able to earn the money that has paid for those things and am not indebted to any other human.

Whilst I don’t denounce marriage, I do understand that it isn’t the end game of life either. I threw that fairy tale in the bin not long after my own divorce. Looking back, I have discovered that my initial raw bitterness slowly gave way to acceptance and more recently, an inner celebration. That is no exaggeration. The last few years are analogous to the emergence of a beautiful butterfly from an unsightly caterpillar. I have evolved and come to love the life I have now, Alhamdulillah. As I always say, I am eternally grateful for being able to take care of myself financially and everything else. I’m now at a stage of life where I I can finally be unapologetically selfish and focus on me first. It’s not that I have rescinded the responsibilities that come with motherhood; they will never disappear. But my sons are now independent adults and so the degree to which I have to be involved with their lives has shifted dramatically.

Meanwhile, there is no search for a replacement husband as life would devolve into an uninspiring routine once again. I would rather maintain the status quo I have now and face uneventful days on my own in peace. In between, I can enjoy the company of a select few friends and family whenever I need stimulating company. Once my batteries have been recharged, I can unplug myself from everyone and continue as before till the next time. Marriage doesn’t offer that reprieve and I have no patience for that now.

The only consistency in life I crave now is adventure itself.