Addendum to a Post-Divorce Life

Many years ago, a younger me would never let another person to have had the last say in a dispute, especially when I felt I was unjustly dealt with. I would have dug my heels in and made sure they retreated only after I had been given the chance to explain the details of my version of the truth.

Now, in my later life, I don’t have time to waste. I take comfort knowing that Allah is always aware of my intentions and so I can spare myself a lot of energy and effort in trying to make the other party understand. I now choose to focus on things that really matter. Through it all, I have become a stickler for clear communication especially when receiving or conveying instructions. This is simply to avoid misunderstandings later on. However, there are others who are either inattentive or selective in their interpretation of things no matter how hard I try to explain it to them. Whatever their reason or motive, only Allah knows. But the unfortunate consequence is that such situations sour human relationships.

These days though, I have learnt to choose what battles I want to fight. In the last seven years since divorce, I have learnt invaluable life lessons which have shaped who I am today. I never actually believed my mindset could be refashioned or reconfigured at this late stage of my life but, I guess, until one is jostled by a huge trauma such as I was, there’s no telling what there is yet to learn about the world and moreso, about oneself.

The best part of it all, however, is that I choose to walk away feeling unfettered and liberated. It’s like coming out of a chokehold to breathe normally again. My stance now is to keep moving forward. As much as these type of encounteres or interactions are unpleasant, oddly enough, I’m grateful for the lessons they teach me. Because what emanates from it all are valuable insights into how to pre-empt such situations again and be prepared. It also shows me what I need to hold onto and what I need to let go.

What I have also refined is the ability not to be perturbed for long. I can walk away from situations where misunderstandings have occurred because I know it is not my sole mission in this life to be understood by everyone. Others would argue the same for themselves. And quite justifiably too. But the difference I feel now is that I have the maturity to let things go. Agree to disagree. My silence is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that I am comfortable with not having to prove myself to anyone any more.

This is, by far, the greatest lesson that divorce taught me: not to fight for the attention of anyone. Except myself. I foolishly expected my husband would stand by my side till my last breath. How wrong could I have been? And if he let me down, then why should I be surprised if anyone else does the same? That’s why I no longer expect anyone to be by my side forever. That is extremely naive and presumptuous. We are all dispensable. Nobody will ever come undone without the presence of another person. We have been created more resilient than that if only we dare to believe it. I have no illusions that in life and in death, there will be many that may rue my absence but only for a short while. Life will continue. I wouldn’t expect it not to anyway.

We come to this world alone and return alone. Everything and everyone else is incidental.