I wonder how many people would read this blog title and see the word ‘matters’ as a verb rather than its intended meaning as a noun. It makes all the difference and would influence someone’s perspective of me. If read as a verb, I suddenly become this greedy person fixated on making money to satiate my desires. If read as a noun, the title becomes neutral and I am spared the negative judgement.
For the last few years, I have been in a perpetual state of consciousness when it comes to money. I was going to say a “perpetual state of worry” but I hesitated. Have I really always been worried about money? Has it been a constant drain on my energy? Actually, I don’t think so.
Truth is, given I have been running a household singlehandedly, there’s no denying that budgeting is a core feature of my weekly planning. I don’t have the luxury of falling back on another responsible adult to share the burden of bills. However, Alhamdulillah, it hasn’t always been hand to mouth either. Yes, I have learnt the art of frugality but can still enjoy a few indulgences here and there whether it be an item of clothing, perfume or a short break from the monotony of routine. Although I’d like to credit that to having great foresight and the ability to pre-empt unexpected expenditures, I know that would be slightly disingenuous.
The reality is I have greatly vacillated, throughout these eight years or so, between being financially prudent to throwing caution to the wind and surrendering to my impulsiveness. I I have often tired of being constantly cautious and calculated. Has that overall attitude worked? Well, apparently so. Alhamdulillah, I am still managing to balance the books and have not yet found myself miserably entrapped in financial debt.
I attribute the fact that I am still floating, in financial terms, to a combination of mainly two things.
First and foremost, there is no doubt in my mind that Allah has allowed barakah (blessings) in my money such that it stretches much further than I could ever anticipate. I don’t have much disposable income and though some months can be a struggle, somehow I have pulled through. Alhamdulillah, I have managed to remain self-sufficient without recourse to a third party for a temporary loan and I hope I can sustain this for as long as possible. It gives me great satisfaction knowing I am unfettered by that constant feeling of being obliged to another for their input. This has been nothing short of a miracle given I’ve had to support my sons as well and all their needs. Allah has indeed provided for me, for us.
The second reason I believe I am still standing on my own two feet is that I don’t overthink life any more. I’ve learnt to stand back and let some situations play out on their own simply because I understand I have no control over them anyway. Learning to de-stress and take life in bitesize pieces has allowed me to decompress and relax. Worrying about life in two, five or even ten years down the line is something I can no longer do. Timescales are a thing with which I now have an irreverent relationship. It’s all meaningless because in the blink of an eye, everything can change. So, why worry? As long as the basics are covered, I know I’m doing OK. I have no major material desires left for this duniya (world). That phase of my life, if ever I were going to pursue those things, has long since passed.
The objective of money now is survival. Above and beyond that, I would like to focus on certain experiences such as travelling. For my sons, whatever I have will become theirs anyway. I wish for nothing more and nothing less.
There’s nothing in terms of possessions that I will be taking with me once I leave. An uncomplicated life without any ties to this duniya is a blessing in itself.