Without a doubt, one of the hardest things to do…
This is a lesson that takes years to accomplish and one I have been grappling with recently in a very personal way. I wonder if I can even claim to have succeeded? Like all humans, I sometimes suffer from puffed up pride – that feeling of being or having better than others. It very surreptitiously finds its way back into my mind and I am only aware of it once it’s too late. Not something to be proud of.
Recently though, and especially in the last few days, I found myself thrown into a situation where I had to take a deep, long look at what was within my mind. I had to be objectively self-critical and question my own thoughts and decisions. Why had they arisen? Who or what was fuelling them to persist? How could I thwart them? In the past, where there have been times I have felt slighted, I have asked Allah for retribution. It is not that I wish upon someone a calamity or misfortune. Moreso, I fear that there will be worse ramifications in the form of Allah’s wrath if I play out satisfying scenarios in my head. Had I not had any God-consciousness, I would have unleashed my anger, pain and sorrow very visibly towards those who instigated those emotions in the first place.
However, time is a healer and age does bring wisdom. I have become less perturbed and more mellow. I know better than to flog a dead horse. Investing energy where nothing will change is a futile task. The past cannot be undone. I know I’m better off focussing on future goals. I have also come to realise that Allah’s divine plan isn’t one for questioning. If I truly trust my affairs to Him, I should simply go with the flow. That isn’t the same as being weak – as if I have allowed myself to be pulverised into a pulp and have no right to stand up for myself. It’s more about recognising that, however my life plays out, that I am exactly where Allah destined me to be at that time. There is no escaping that truism. That understanding is a strength, not a weakness.
To respond to what life has thrown at me, without a kneejerk reaction, is the same as learning to suppress the ego – that insidious part of my core that threatens to erupt at any time without check. I remind myself to mentally step outside of my being and understand that life itself is just a temporary stop on the greater journey that I’m on. When all is said and done, the hurt to my pride or the injustices I feel people have inflicted on me will no longer matter once I have moved on to the next realm. I’ve resolved not to squander my life away seeking reparations. I think I’m beginning to understand how forgiveness of the other actually does have a positive impact on my own wellbeing. Like how a sick person needs to sometimes take a bitter pill to feel better, so too must I delve deep into some darker parts of my being to purge myself. The result is: I feel lighter, content, happy, relieved, free and determined. The victory is mine.
Whilst it’s been necessary to take some steps backwards to confront the more unsavoury elements of my own being, the overall direction has only been forwards. I am not stagnant. I am constantly moving onwards and upwards, Alhamdulillah.
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