Running To Stand Still

Today marks the first of those days I have been secretly looking forward to – when I can finally push my ‘back burner’ goals to the forefront of my life. The plan is finally in action, Alhamdulillah. The thing is, all those goals will not be achievable in a short time span. I’m acutely aware of that. But at least, the focus is now more on them than anything – or anyone – else.

I hvae even learnt to detach somewhat from whatever is going on in my sons’ lives. Not because I don’t care. Far from it. Instead, I know I have given them the essential knowledge they need to take care of themselves and own the responsibility of the mundane daily chores. This has freed up time for me. Besides, if they make mistakes, that’s perfectly fine. Those occasions will provide the best lessons in life. My own theory is that the current youth have had too many services delivered to them by their parents anyway. This is the lament of each generation of parents who looks back to their own childhood and compares it to their children’s. I confess to have fallen into that predictable pattern of thoughts. Yet, there is great truth in it. I know my own parents’ childhood struggles compared to my own. And now I see history repeating itself with the subsequent generation. However, I refuse to be the safety net for my sons each time. Sometimes, they need to understand the impact of a fall. Cruel to be kind.

Now that I have done my own running and can be still for a while, I want to relish in this moment of my life. It’s been an extremely busy phase, not just with work but with learning to balance so many volatile emotions over the years – and I’m not talking just my own. Alhamdulillah, life is beginning to settle somewhat. Challenges and stumbling blocks will always be there but the climb over them seems to be less onerous. That’s mainly because I have learnt to approach them with a reinvigorated sense of determination. My glass is half full and I want to fill it even more. I want to squeeze as much as I can from every day that I am blessed to exist on this earth. Maybe I am making up for lost time but that’s OK.

In all of this, I pray that my connection to Allah (the one who has blessed me with so much in this life) deepens. It’s a dangerous place to be if it’s only the worldly goals that occupy our minds. My own belief is that those ambitions have to be rooted in spiritual consciousness and again, they must reconnect back to a heightened God-consciousness. It is a complete circle. Nothing is worth pursuing if that connection is not made. For example, aspiring to more money for the sake of money per se, is always going to be doomed to a miserable life since our appetite for it is insatiable. However, acquiring money to also serve humanity and improve others’ lot in life, is destined not only to bring about the pleasure of Allah but also a sense of higher purpose for our existence. The end goal should never be sought in this temporal world.

So, in some ways, I am going on a retreat except this one is within my mind and hasn’t required me to physically go anywhere. The opportunity to pause, take stock and even realign my moral compass is one which can’t be taken frivolously. InshaAllah, I will suprass my own expectations of myself and reset my mindset to that default mode of deep gratitude to Allah for everything: the good, the ugly and even the seemingly bad.