When I look back on my life, I can see that as I evolved from childhood to mature adulthood, there have been bouts of self-confidence that have also come in different bursts or phases. There have been different circumstances that have leant themselves to this change over time and so much so that I sometimes wonder how a person can even experience such a seismic shift over time.
My childhood wasn’t an easy one and I was forced to bear the labels attached to me by others which made reference to my outer appearance and rendered me diffident and shy and very self-conscious. I hated attention. In that slipstream of negative comments callously dispensed by others, (especilly adults), I grew to love my education and found comfort in books and reading. At least, that’s my analysis of things.
However, it wasn’t until much later, by the time I entered university, that I had begun my journey of self-discovery and seeking a niche to call my own. My education helped me find a voice and moreso, a purpose to life. I realised that my status and worth were not inextricably linked to the perceptions others had of me. This was the beginning of a form of self-confidence that was unshakable. I was moving in different circles with people who showed me that the world did not think in a uniformly unbearable way; that people would respect the person within and not stop short at the outside – as if that outside were something reprehensible anyway.
Fast forward a few years and by my latter twenties, I had discovered an even stronger self- confidence that was deeply embedded in my Muslim identity. It removed the need to seek validation from people who couldn’t see my worth – ironically sometimes Muslims themselves! I knew who I was and was finding a renewed comfort in my own skin. It was a liberation. No longer was I a slave to others’ conditions or standards.
Now, many years later as I settle into my older age, I have acquired a confidence that has come about from a complex combination of so many different aspects of my life. The Muslim identity is still an unbreakable bedrock, Alhamdulillah. But added to that, is the experiences that I have encountered or endured in recent years that I have had to contend with alone. Having to fight my own corner, without the benefit of the support of a spouse, has made me self-reliant. I’ve had to trust my own judgement and surge ahead. That’s not to say I’ve not made mistakes but I have not had the luxury of waiting for approval or reassurance from a trusted partner. Inevitably, it has shaped my personality and interestingly, I realise that my personality isn’t a static thing even at a much older age.
So, I return to my premise upon which this blog is based: that self-confidence itself is an evolving thing. Life’s events and circumstances definitely play a crucial part. They can either make or break a person. Alhamdulillah, I chose to fight. I do believe the innate desire to do so had to be there in the first place and I recognised that and chose to build on it.
In an ideal world. I would hope those who have suffered injustices at the hands of others, would eventually find their way onto a new plain whereby they will exist on their own terms and with all the confidence to hold their head up high. I understand personality is a very fluid thing, shaped by interactions with others and more. It would be such a shame to not claim the beautiful things that life has to offer and let them slip through our fingers. I’ve learnt that I have every right to be here and stake my claim as much as the next person.
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