mymotherhalf.com

To Give is To Receive

Instead of waiting for someone else to bring joy to my life, I’ve learnt that I can bring joy to my life all by myself. Sounds a little conceited, I know.

However, the formula is far from one which is steeped in arrogance and self-acclaim. I have been around long enough in this world to know that the deepest form of pleasure and happiness occurs when we spread happiness to others. When they reciprocate with an obviously happy reaction, that in and of itself is a reason to feel happy within oneself.

The unfortunate ones in this life are those who think it too costly to invest in meaningful human relationships or even brief interactions with compassion since this would require too much time and effort on their part and the returns are not guaranteed. That’s a very narrow and myopic way to view life. And even if we spread kindness and it is rejected, that’s not a loss at all. It may feel a little painful in the moment but over time, we should be satisfied that we demonstrated decency above anger or any other knee-jerk reaction.

To give something of ourselves to others, without expectation and without judgement of them, is a tall order. However, if successfully delivered, it is a step towards actually becoming less embroiled in the things that threaten to lead to arrogance or division. It is a sort of soul-cleansing too. Each encounter with another individual where we get to exercise that chance to be and do good, is a chance to earn it back either right then and there or later on in life. Because ‘Good’ does find its way back eventually, Alhamdulillah. It may not be like for like but it is a direct corollary of the previous action. At least, that’s what I believe.

I know that Allah chooses to reward us both in this life and beyond. He knows how and when to do that. Sometimes, we are directly aware of His generosity. Other times we are shamefully ignorant. But His generosity runs through every moment of our lives, even when we are in our darkest holes. So when we give and that is reciprocated by other people, in truth, they are the conduits of the generosity of our Maker. It is not people per se who we should be focussing on when we feel we have been acknowledged for inadvertantly making them happy. It is the Creater who has allowed them to be the manifestation of his pleasure on us, inshaAllah.

A Work in Progress

***Working Across and With Different People***

As I settle into my daytime job, I realise that one of the things I relish most in life is meeting and existing alongside people. Of course, not just random or irrelevant people but in a context where I am building relationships with others who are, more often than not, so different from me. I say that and yet I know human similarities are usually greater than the differences because at the core of every normal person is basic decency, respect and compassion – the qualities that supercede the individual variations between us.

We all experience happiness, sorrow, pain, anger, fear and so much more. The common human experience is what binds us together – as it should. Sometimes I think of my workplace as a microcosm of what should be going on in the greater world: an example of mutual tolerance, respect and teamwork. Alhamdulillah, that’s a huge blessing as no job is worthwhile if the people you work with are the most difficult to be amongst. And all I say about them, I hope they reciprocate about me too.

I don’t seek to climb the career ladder at this stage of my life. In fact, I’d rather step off. That’s not to say I want to jump at the first opportunity to stop working altogether. No. For me, working outside of my home with others, is my key to sanity. I can have real conversations with others and not through a virtual medium. The nuances in speech and body language are important cues to navigate and from which we all learn our social skills. I recall working from home during Covid and feeling that if I had died at home, it wouldn’t have made any difference to anyone outside. Not that my eventual passing will make a difference to many people’s lives anyway. It’s inevitable that life has to continue for others long after one individual passes away. But, with my desire for human interaction on a daily basis, I knew that the online world, with its emotionless and mechanical exchanges, was not going to be a permanent fit for me at all.

The mention of death in my writing here isn’t meant to be a depressing thought. It actually is the one impetus that motivates me to get the most out of life as much as possible. As I write, in the past few days (including just today) I have come to learn about the passing of several people in my own life. It’s a reminder that my own time in this world is becoming increasingly limited. So, I want to be out there and doing things which I can do whilst I have the health, time and energy. In my daily interactions with others I want to give and take away things from this life. But not in a way which is just a form of selfish accumulation. I want all of those things to help make me better prepared for what lies ahead beyond this temporal existence, inshaAllah.

***Using the Temporal World as a Reminder of What’s Beyond***

Celebrating Life

Yesterday was my birthday.

Unlike many people, especially the young generation, who would like to mark the day with parties and presents, I chose to keep it much more subdued. Instead, my sons and I had a day out in central London walking through different parks and then enjoyed a lovely Lebanese meal in one of the many eateries there. It was not a day of pomp and grandeur. It was more a day of taking stock and being content with what I already have and making time to focus on that more.

At this stage of my life, birthdays have become more of a reason to reflect on the life that has passed already. It’s a legitimate excuse to celebrate all that I have been blessed with till now and inshaAllah, beyond. I am still in relatively good health, have a roof over my head and can still afford little luxuries in life. My sons are also alive and well and by my side. Alhamdulillah for all of that and so much more. Looking around and I know of many other people of a similar age who are suffering immensely with a myriad of issues – health, money, jobs, children or marriage. That’s to name but a few.

***Enjoying the Peace found in Nature***

Someone looking at me might argue that my life is far from ideal. Who’s isn’t? I have been running the show singlehandedly for almost seven years now. That’s an unenviable position to be in. But I still consider myself very fortunate because I have not allowed happpiness or contentment to elude me. I am much more focused on the silver lining than the cloud itself. In fact, the cloud has long since dispersed. Even when others try to cajole me to accept my status in life only as a divorcee, I refuse to be drawn into that narrow alleyway from which there is no escape. Too much good has happened since that time and despite it so much so that I can talk about it without feeling emotional. It’s almost as if I’m narrating the story of someone else’s life.

At the risk of sounding morbid, in recent years, as I celebrate another complete year of life, I wonder if I will be alive for the next one. But I am, in fact, stating a stark truism and that thought is not embedded in regret. Inevitably, there will come a time, sooner or later, when the answer will be ‘no’. That’s why I tell myself that I mustn’t celebrate a birthday alone. I am actually grateful for each and every day that is given to me as a gift from Allah. To lose a day in aimless frivolity or worse still, in a depressed state, is an absolute tragedy. My default setting will not allow that to happen. Alhamdulillah, so far, I’ve had no reason for that to happen. The aftermath of divorce is something I would like to believe I bounced back from with dignity and a sense of self-worth. Nobody owns my life except Allah and with this second opportunity to be single again, I relish the new lease of life I have been given.

Two Years After Snowdon

Tomorrow will mark the second anniversary of that epiphanous day: the climb up Mount Snowdon, 7 August 2021. The memory of it is still etched deeply into my mind and into my outlook on life forever more. I am grateful for that experience because it proved to me so much about myself that I had never given real credence to.

Two years on and the lessons learned from Snowdon continue to shape my thinking. I know I have talked myself into moving outside of my comfort zone and trying new things which will challenge me. For example, a new job where I am learning new computer skills and dealing with queries where my knowledge base may be limited initially but I’m not afraid to make independent investigations and resolve the matter at hand. Within that, I have regular human interactions and am exposed to people from all different walks of life and I relish that opportunity. Uniformity is so staid.

Then, there’s the rekindled desire to explore the wider world. I have travelled to three different countries in this past year alone whereas for all the time since I returned from Saudi Arabia in 2016, I hadn’t had the chance to do that at all. One of those trips was directly linked to my charity work and that, in itself, is an ambition I have held since long before I was even in my 20s.

The list of things I have been blessed to experience and put into practice is one that has finally started and I hope will continue to grow, inshaAllah. However, what is even more fundamental is the mindset that has allowed it all to occur. Going back to the moment when I was descending Snowdon, I recall reeling from the accomplishment I had achieved yet had never had any intention to do in the first place! It spoke volumes to me. I realised that the only person who could say ‘no’ to me exploring new territory was myself. All I ever need is Allah’s permission and it’s only if I attempt to do something and fail, will I know that He never wanted me to achieve it anyway. And even that is not a loss to lament. The experience in and of itself is something that builds character and resilience. It is His wisdom that overrides everything, good or seemingly bad.

At this time in my life, there are still other metaphorical mountains I need to climb. In fact, they are personal goals I have set for myself but not given them any serious thought mostly because I have convinced myself I may fail. Not the best foothold from which to climb up, I know. InshaAllah, I will conquer that weakness as I have done with other things and not give up until I have reached the summit. It will be a challenging climb and I know I probably will want to give up on the way. (That thought was a recurring theme on Snowdon!) However, once I set out, I know there will be no going back. My mind will remind me that once I’m at the top of this virtual climb, I’ll want to take in the view from up there and soak it all in.

A Year Off

Wouldn’t that be something? To have the luxury of signing out of reality and swan off into the sunset and just do me! Unfortunately, not many of us can afford to live in reverie except in our dreams and so the monotony of routine has to be maintained…

As much as I wouldn’t want to rely on anyone totally to maintain my lifestyle anyway, I do hope that my sons will ease my load a bit when they become fully-fledged working adults. They have promised as much. Although I don’t demand that from them, I do expect a reciprocal gesture of support when they are able to do so one day, inshaAllah.

But would I retreat or retire for a year? Probably not. The guilt of not doing any paid work wouldn’t allow me to relax in complete abandon. To be honest, I wouldn’t like the life of a princess anyway. The idea has never sat comfortably with me. Even as a kid, when I lived in a developing nation in Asia, I recall growing up in a neighbourhood where we lived without wanting of any material things and yet feeling strangely uneasy at the juxtaposition of others’ poverty and our own wealth. Our neighbours were acutely poor and lived in a makeshift shack. Whilst I didn’t process it much at the time, I believe the retrospective reflection of all that had a lifelong impact on me and shaped my outlook on life thereafter.

For that reason, I have ever since been determined to help raise others out of a deprived state and alleviate their misery. Whether that be through formal charity work or a small random gesture, I hope to continue this quiet mission.

So, taking a year off would be used to do more of that. I’d hope in that time to try to take up my writing ambitions more seriously. I have long had a secret desire to refashion and develop my blog into a cathartic book of self-help for my readers in the hope it will have far-reaching positive outcomes both in terms of its breadth and depth. (If anyone reading my blog has a few constructive suggestions, I am all ears!) As a follow-up activity, I would love to be invited to talk to others in the hope of helping them heal and rebuild their lives. Even to get them to set out on that journey would be good enough!

In the meantime, I pray that this blog is already doing that and more. If I can help positively impact even one life, then every word I have written would have been well worth it. Maybe, even without my own version of a gap year, I will muster the courage and strength to compile a book and publish in wider circles. After all, if something needs to be done, it is a busy person who often is the one who accomplishes it.

Introspection

In the journey of finding out about the self, I have learnt one salient thing. It is that I enjoy the company of others, be it family or friends or beyond. That’s not to say I like big crowds or to be amongst random people. Actually, I prefer smaller gatherings where meaningful conversations happen and relationships are fostered rather than having to shout across a room of strangers to be heard – but not necessarily listened to.

As I move through my latter years, I envisage that I will not do well being on my own for long periods of time. The empty silence makes the mind wonder and causes me to slip backwards to painful memories. I speak candidly about these experiences so that others reading this will know they aren’t alone and will recognise the pitfalls that they might find themselves sinking into. The best way to avoid that peril is to keep oneself occupied in meaningful pursuits that don’t allow those haunting memories to surreptitiously creep back in.

For those who don’t know me, declaring that I dread long stretches of time alone could be misconstrued as me suggesting I have secret designs to remarry. To be honest, in the seven or so years that I have been on my own, I have never entertained the idea of venturing into that territory again. I could easily have considered taking another chance in marriage. However, just the thought of it is exhausting. Marriage isn’t the stuff of fairy tales and is hard work. Quite frankly, I don’t have the gumption for it any more. There’s also the adage, “once bitten, twice shy” which serves as a prelude to all my thoughts on that subject. These days, I actually enjoy moving in social circles and yet being able to step out of them when I need the time to recalibrate. I have had truly wonderful times together with some of my family and other female companions so much so that I feel my life is now quite nicely balanced.

Of course, there are times I wish I could pass the reigns of life onto someone else and not have to be at the helm constantly. However, that’s more to do with practical concerns and not emotional ones. My closest family members and closest friends have been my unwavering support and so far, that combination has served me well, Alhamdulillah. In fact, the one major liberation is knowing I am not being assessed in any way. What they see is what they get. Key performance indicators within marriage are no longer my concern.

By nature, I am a gregarious person and there are not many situations where I find myself completely unable to take part. That default state has helped me survive and thrive over the last few years especially. Now, I finally have the chance to express myself and represent myself again without being the appendage of anyone else. Basking in my own spotlight is something I continue to do unreservedly. It’s taken a very long time to own that spot but own it I will. And there’s only room for one.

I Met Someone…

Those who know me well and/or have been following my blog recently, would have come to realise that in the last few months I have been on a journey of sorts, especially one of self-discovery. It would seem I have fallen in love with life again. But that isn’t actually true. I have always been in love with life, Alhamdulillah. Even through the personal struggles, I have pulled through not least because of others depending on me but because I needed to for my own sake.

And so, with this disposition I have muddled my way through the last few years, ultimately always grateful for everything Allah has put in my path – the good, the bad and the ugly. All of those combined have shaped the person I am today and whilst that might sound like I am suffering from delusions of grandeur, I’d like to think that’s far from the truth. I have used the difficult experiences to reflect on the purpose of my being here at all. I understand that life was never meant to be a bed of roses. And I know that I do have some control over how I interpret events and build myself from them.

Through it all, I have met a very interesting person who I know understands me and will never let me down. They are the only one I can count on to serve as my counsel when I need advice. Although I didn’t know it, they were there all along going through my highs and lows in life. That person is Me. I have rediscovered myself. For so many years, I had lost a huge part of me whilst taking care of everyone else’s needs first. Isn’t that the story of most mothers and wives? We live on autopilot and acquiesce to the demands of others first.

However, now, having put my children through the major milestones of their lives and having rebuilt my life after my ex-husband decided to jump ship, I have rediscovered myself. I am experiencing an inebriated state of liberation and am loving it! I last felt like this when I was in my 20s. It is not a state of hedonism. It’s just a feeling of being justifiably selfish and prioritising myself once again.

Although I would be well within my rights to remarry, I am enjoying this freedom too much to want to be restricted. Finally, I am unfettered. So why would I want to ruin that? My life is now a solo expedition and I don’t say that with regret or a sense of self-pity. My future has arrived and I have embraced it with open arms. It doesn’t matter how long I have left in this duniya (world) but moreso how I use that time. Life isn’t one big holiday and so I hope the activities I get involved in representing myself, big or small, will always be an investment towards the greatest challenge ahead of me of all beyond this life.

It’s All About Me Now

***An Escape to Cambridge Botanical Gardens***

A completely self-indulgent title and well deserved.

I make no apology for finally putting myself first having sacrificed my personal ambitions and hopes for so many years. Whilst I have no resentment in doing that, as motherhood was – and still is – a role I cherish, the balance has now shifted in favour of me. Others will have to wait. I’m now at the front of the queue for staking my claims in life.

In that vein, last week I managed to escape my normal routine and home and headed to Cambridge where, for the first time in years, I set out on a journey on my own without any company. It was a trip I was determined to do as a forerunner to further travels in future inshaAllah. The train journey was a welcome opportunity to float into reverie and feel all my worries and thoughts dissipate with each passing mile. Looking out at nothing in particular, and yet at everything beyond my window, was an experience of pure unadulterated bliss. Just green fields, farm animals and blue sky. No conversation, no phone in use, no distractions. This was the epitome of peace…

In Cambridge itself, I spent a few relaxing days with a friend with whom I shared candid conversations about our past, present and especially future. Both of us grateful in our own ways for having arrived at where we are now in life and poised to do more. I realised that happiness isn’t necessarily found in pursuing reckless dreams or even in another life partner. Whilst those scenarios can – and do – genuinely offer some people a sense of happiness, it’s very possible to be satisfied in life without those elements. For my friend and I, it was simply delightful just to stay up late over a coffee and toast and share ideas and past experiences. Real human interaction without unnecessary interruptions is what feeds my soul.

Did I miss my sons whilst I was away? Of course! But not to the point where I was fretting about their whereabouts or safety. I’ve definitely started to untie the knot between us slightly. There needs to be more room for movement for us all now and a greater sense of independence. And that independence relates even to me. Being comfortable with doing things alone is what will get me through the rest of my life because I am under no illusion that my family unit will be undergoing some drastic changes in time to come. I no longer have boys under my wing. Rather, they are adults in their own right pursuing their own dreams. And so they should. But whilst they understand their responsibilities to their mother, I wouldn’t want to selfishly curtail their chances of fulfilling their dreams if they had to make some difficult choices.

Whilst they figure out their own futures, the phase of life I find myself in is one which exudes relief. It’s not that I have rescinded all my parental responsibilities. No. That, inshaAllah, will never happen. However, my load is somewhat lighter now mainly because the school phase is finally over. Any educational ventures they pursue now, they will have to figure out largely on their own.

I guess the next monumental phase of their lives will be marriage, if they are endowed with that opportunity inshaAllah. For now, whilst there is no activity in that area, I will revel in the absence of drama. The calm before the storm.

From Periphery to Centre

This week’s post isn’t a lesson in geometry. But it has everything to do with how, as a mother, I have lived alongside my children in concentric circles. Where till now their priorities took precedence over my own, these days my goals have moved closer to the centre and my sons’ goals have had to swap places with me. But what does that centre even represent? It is the point where we all find a space to occupy, seek to achieve our own goals and achieve a happy equilibrium.

As I’ve been reiterating in the last few weeks and more, I’ve long been in search of my forgotten self. Having lived in the shadows of everyone else’s lives, it is finally my time to step into the light and let others dim their own demands. Alhamdulillah, that process has already started only because I’ve made sure that I follow up the promises I made to myself with action. The realisation that nobody else will create opportunities for me is not coming from self-pity. It’s more an acknowledgement that if Allah has given me the means and determination to do things, then what am I waiting for?

Last weekend, my older sons and myself, together with a good friend and her son, escaped to Dublin, Ireland for a few days of respite from routine. The trip was a success from beginning to end not least because we were all good company for one another. Dublin was itself very welcoming and the surrounding suburbs and countryside were places of pure delight – verdant hills, luminous lakes and beautiful beaches all collaborated to play the perfect hosts. And we were not disappointed.

***Glendalough, Valley of the Two Lakes, Ireland***

The past year has afforded me wonderful opportunities to travel abroad. But that’s not the only way to measure how I’ve put myself back into the centre of things. Whilst it is important that these opportunities exist, I don’t simply aspire to ephemeral pleasures. All my aspirations and pursuits need to feed into the reminder of why I exist at all. Of course, the ‘fun’ element has to be there otherwise there would be no pleasure in doing things at all. But ‘fun’ isn’t meant in the selfish or flippant sense although there is nothing wrong with that. I like to go one step further and remind myself that the joy of the senses must happen within Islamic parameters and be something from which I learn or improve.

Alongside many postponed travel plans accumulated over the years, I also seek to work in a mainstream role that alleviates the suffering of humanity. Whilst that sounds like a lofty and self-adulatory ambition, I am actually only too aware that I am dispensable and there are many people out there doing amazing things already. However, I want to be part of that machine. I know that I came to this world not only to serve my own best interests.

So, whilst I move towards the centre of the concentric circles that comprises my own life and my sons, an overlapping circle exists where I aim to work towards the betterment of humanity and within which I now move and want to focus my energies. Alhamdulillah, that journey has already begun and I hope it is an ambition that supercedes all others.

***Learning to Layer and Juggle Priorities***

Motherhood: Part 3

As my youngest son prepares to sit his final exams at school next week, I prepare to enter a new phase of motherhood. No more parent meetings, no more emails from school, no more direct involvement in his education. It is a watershed moment in my life. I welcome it with open arms.

The question is: “Why is this Motherhood Part 3?”

The answer is that Part 1 was the early or formative years of my children’s lives when they were growing up and when their father was still around. I view Part 2 as the last seven years where I have had to manage my children alone and guide them through their individual educational journeys, not to mention their teenage hormones.

This latest phase is completely different.

It marks the point where I have to relinquish aspects of micro-managing as a parent/mother and I’m aware that that term, ‘micro-managing’ has many negative connotations. But most parents will agree that it’s something necesssary when the kids are growing up. Today though, my sons have a much greater degree of autonomy. In particular, as they step outside of home, they will be treated as fully-fledged adults; I will take more of a back seat when it comes to their interactions with the wider world.

Though motherhood will never cease for me, it has now evolved into something different. Whereas before, they had to accept certain decisions I had made on their behalf, now things are up for negotiation. I find myself often sitting and listening to their justifications for a decision they have made or are considering. To be honest, I have never been closed to those kind of discussions. It allows me a valuable insight into their mindset and the criteria they use to inform their choices. As I always tell them, as long as it is in keeping with Islam, I will probably concede to their demands. I’m also governed by the knowledge that I can’t stifle their options for my own selfish gains. If I can’t present a reason rooted in Islam, to object to their choices, then I have no case to make.

What we have now in our home isn’t a chaotic mess. Instead, I believe there is a mutual respect of the other person’s thoughts, ideals or ambitions. Even where we may agree to disagree, I’ve had to learn to let these young men figure out life for themselves. Should they end up tripping over obstacles, then so be it. A life without mistakes is the idealism of a fool. My job is to be here to console or redirect if necessary.

Ageing is a process that many people fear, especially the physical manifestations of that process. Whilst that’s one battle that is now on my hands, I actually relish being an older person for other reasons. I feel the longest haul of motherhood is almost done. Now I can focus on things which are for my benefit only and not feel guilty about it. I also feel life has definitely forced me to be able to discern more from a situation than is immediately apparent. Then, I am also looking forward to watching my sons mature into adult men who will reciprocate the years of nurturing I have invested in them, inshaAllah.

I will not be a back seat driver. I will simply take the back seat and enjoy…

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