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Two in One

Sometimes, we have those days where things just seem to be a series of strange coincidences or perhaps the working of fate.

This week, (on Thursday to be precise), I had two encounters in one day with people who reminded me of my past life. The first of the two was a brief conversation with my previous manager from work; someone I had not seen in over 25 years. I was well aware that I would see him and get a chance to talk as I was attending a conference where he was a key player in its organisation. It was just so strange to be standing in front of someone after so many years and thinking of all the things I have done in between! And here we were, almost full circle, brought together again because both of us, in our own very different professional journeys, have remained in the charity sector. It was a poignant moment for me as the last 25 years or so of my life flashed before me in my mind…

Then, there was the second encounter of a very different kind: it was not expected at all and with two women who I had never met before yet they transported me back to a period of my life which is now done and dusted. Having left the conference, I was making my way back home and boarded a train. Passing through the carriage, I noticed two women sitting and talking together quite animatedly. What struck me though was that they were in distinct traditional clothes which I recognised and speaking a version of Arabic I know too well. I sat a short distance from them. However, as fate would have it, the train was delayed and passengers were advised to disembark and board the opposite train on the next platform. This time, I sat next to them and a conversation started. As suspected, they were Mauritanian – a mother and daughter duo.

***Present Encounters – Past Memories***

Talking to them and exchanging basic information about each other’s background, I realised how this moment was totally surreal. Though these women I do not know, they represented a connection to my past – when I was married and part of that culture. I spoke to them about my links to Mauritania in the present tense as I will always have some ties to that land through my own children. However, for me personally, my association with anything Mauritanian is well in the past. As much as I have a fondness of some aspects of the land and its people, there is also a significant part of me which is glad to have severed my own direct links to them. I no longer have to deal with the in-laws and am not obliged to appease them any more.

As with all cultures and traditions, there are the less savoury aspects which we would reject in a heartbeat. Mauritanian society is no exception. Sitting opposite these two women abruptly reminded me of what I loved about that place and of what I absolutely despised. All those memories of my married life came flooding back to my mind. But I could say the same of my own cultural heritage. I know I have rejected aspects of it outright and held onto some of the features which fit well with my Muslim identity. I guess we all create our own nuanced version of ‘culture’ and make it fit our personal preferences and individual circumstances.

In summary, the day was a very poignant one because of these two very different meetings from two different chapters of my life. All a bit surreal to be honest. My past coming back to collide with my present when I thought I had sealed parts of it away and lifted the anchor and let the boat sail out to sea…

Apparently not.

Where Next?

I don’t own my own house. For that reason, I have no real incentive to invest too heavily in it. I am particular about keeping it presentable, clean and tidy but my interest in doing anything more than that is minimal. At this stage of my life too, I no longer derive any real pleasure in designing a room or thinking about the finishing touches to make it look nicer. I enjoyed all that when I had more energy and especially when my kids were younger and we had a normal family life back then.

Now that they are all grown and will soon be looking to embark on their own adventures, our home feels like it’s becoming more of a temporary stop-gap for them and even myself. Once my sons have found jobs and settled somewhere else, my own links to this current abode will become even more tenuous. I know that is the nature of this duniya (world) anyway – never to become too invested in anything or anyone.

As days go by, I fear less and less the idea of letting go. Life has taught me that lesson too well. Everything and everyone we have is on loan anyway. Even our kids. Given that impermanence, I feel I am ready to pack up and move on wherever life takes me.

Some people dismiss my ideas suggesting they are just fanciful ones. However, they forget I have actually lived away from the UK for many years and in quite challenging places. So, the idea of moving again, and this time on my terms, is not something so outlandish. I would relish the opportunity to try and live in a completely new place and preferrably, somewhere abroad where I can immerse myself in a new culture and environment. What’s the point of moving to a place where I would be just pressing, “Play, Repeat”?

In an ideal world, the place I envisage setting up home again would be where I could roll up my sleeves and help others less fortunate and make a living out of it too. That’s because I know I can’t live on air and nice pleasantries alone. I don’t wish to live in poverty as that would be a stupid thing to wish for myself. What I do covet is to be comfortable enough not to worry from year to year about sustaining myself financially. Whilst I have been spared that insecurity for the most part of my life, Alhamdulillah, I feel that being financially secure can’t be the only goal in life either. There’s a danger of becoming spiritually numb.

I try to the best of my abilities to make every task I do, whether at work or at home, tie back to the higher purpose that I have been designated with in this life which is to worship Allah. I must admit, there are times that link is difficult to keep at the core of my consciousness and I muddle along in life forgetting it is more than a continuum of perfunctory tasks to do. This isn’t the kind of life I wish to have descended to and I know my critics would tell me that the panacea to my problems isn’t necessarily to move away. Allah is to be found everywhere and anywhere. True. But I am feel I am ready for a new mission. Something which I can see become a reality.

A Double-Edged Sword

One thing I hope never to do is to dissuade my own sons from the idea of marriage. Regardless of my own not seeing it to the end of time, there’s no need to be completely cynical about this institution as a whole. (Maybe the word ‘institution’ needs to be revamped. It has such negative connotations as if a person enters marriage as a form of incarceration waiting to be corrected or educated; they need to be contained and moulded to fit a new life framework).

Of course, for every one in three marriages that ends in divorce, that means twice the number do not. And that is a statistic that needs to be highlighted still. Perhaps those success stories have more to do with tolerance, patience and a benign acceptance of fate rather than a yearly rekindled romance. But that’s the cynic in me talking. I know that, even if a tiny minority, the reality is that there do exist couples who have striven tirelessly to work together through the years and be successful as a unit and still keep going. No doubt, that’s the category I would like to see my own sons fall into one day inshaAllah.

Having seen the challenges I have faced as a woman on my own, I believe they are more acutely aware of how their female counterparts will be naturally adept at running a home and having the pulse on matters outside of it. In my own situation, juggling two jobs and managing the affairs of my household is something my sons have been witness to for some time now. I have been running to stand still for several years. This is something not lost on them and inshaAllah, they will enter their own marriages already appreciative of how talented a woman is or can be.

Whilst that is not diminishing the contribution that a man makes in his marriage, it is usually the case that women are instinctively more able at balancing so much. Throughout time, we have seen that they can perform the usual humdrum chores at home with an unparalleled efficiency. The next generation of young men have to be mindful of that; women are not the helpless, dependent creatures that many of their mothers or grandmothers were before them. There seems to be an audacity in the 21st century which allows women to have the courage to leave a marriage on their own terms if need be. They are more financially solvent so the fear of going solo isn’t as intense as it was for generations of women previously. I have spoken to my sons about all these potential scenarios. It is not to dampen their enthusiasm. I just never want them to think of marriage with a complacent or arrogant attitude.

It’s not that marriage is necessarily a difficult playing field. It is more that nothing can be taken for granted by either party. I do believe the next generation have fewer cultural hang-ups as their connection to their cultural roots is more tenuous anyway. Maybe that’s a liberating thing. Maybe it’s not. But the truth is that women won’t be easily silenced into submissiveness and simply endure a hapless marriage. Men might find they have to work much harder emotionally to gauge where their wives are at. Do I envy anyone in that boat? No.

The independent woman of today is able to stand on her own two feet. It means that a husband is not as indispensable as he might have been in years gone by. Of course, a successful marriage is not simply about healthy incomes and maintaining a minimum standard of living. The connection of two people emotionally and spiritually is what should bind them together through thick and thin. On this score, a husband might find himself having to work harder to keep the marriage alive and thriving since emotional intuition doesn’t come naturally to most men. To be fair, it’s a prerequisite that should exist on both sides.

For my own sons, I can only guide and offer my perspective as a woman. I hope they will take heed of my advice and tap into a resource which will give them the unfiltered truth and help prepare them for a successful marriage, inshaAllah.

Travel Light

***LIfe’s Journey Can’t Always be Traced in the Material World***

The only luggage we need to take with us as we exit this world is a stack of good deeds. Everything else is superfluous. That’s why I no longer aspire to update my material wealth. I no longer covet the next best version of my phone or car. I have reconciled myself to aspiring to things which are much more meaningful than mere possessions.

It is a trendy things these days to say that we are more covetous of experiences rather than objects. I have to admit I have succumbed to that ideology too. However, the experiences I wish to have, such as hiking, travelling or charitable work, are ones which must serve a higher purpose and not just my own immediate gratification. They must connect me to a superior purpose. Whilst there is nothing wrong in deriving some pleasure from these things, for me I seek more than sensual stimulation. I need these experiences to feed into my spiritual being and inshaAllah, spiritual improvement.

I have seen enough people depart this life and the catalogue of material possessions they have left behind, none of which can avail them. I therefore no longer do unbridled nostalgia over things left behind by others. It is simply because life has taught me well about the ephemeral nature of all things.

The best possessions we can carry with us to the other side are those which will weigh heavy in our favour and help us reach the ultimate destination wherein we can make the real wish list of things which we would love to have. This life is very much a solo expedition.

A Look Back at My Blog

***Looking Back Only to Look Ahead with Thanks***

This is going to be one of those ‘thinking out loud’ moments. Privately, I have often gone back and randomly selected one of my own blog posts from the past to assess how true I have been to myself and to see what progress, if any, I have made since then. Have my opinions shifted? Have I only paid lip service to my words? It’s good to pause every so often and take stock.

To be honest, I stand by everything I have written so far over the course of three years. That’s because although I write sometimes impromptu, I have been carrying the sentiments for a much longer time and so they have had the chance to settle and take root in my mind much earlier. They are not ‘off the cuff’ reactionary remarks but thoughts I have pondered over for ages.

It’s heartwarming to have received feedback from family, friends and complete strangers. To know that my words have resonated with someone, or helped them through a dark moment, is ultimately what the purpose of writing here has been in the first place. This was never meant to be a platform to rant relentlessly. That is not conducive to anything except regret later on. I believe in trying to be constructively reflective; it’s important to be calm and rational. It’s especially important to keep moving forward.

If life is a train and we are the passengers, we should know too well that, at certain stops along the way, others will board that train and then disembark. Some will sit right next to us and engage, some will sit in silence and yet others will simply ride the same carriage with no real interaction. But the journey is unique to us and ours alone. This train I am on is moving full steam ahead and in one direction only. So, my stance is to sit back and enjoy the view.

The initial shock of divorce seven years ago has long since given way to a deep-seated contentment with my life now. It was the harbinger for so many positive changes in my life since then, Alhamdulillah. The most noticeable theme that permeates now is that I have regained control of things which are about me. I doubt I could ever relinquish that again. It’s not that I was oppressed in marriage but it is true that most women surrender so many of their own choices and preferences, from the food they cook to the people they mix with, to accommodate their spouse’s. And even after all that sacrifice, ultimately it sometimes is still not enough and the marriage comes unravelling.

I am done with all that. No more shifting goalposts to keep up with and no more reading between the lines. I only have to think for one. Myself. It has been great for my mental and physical wellbeing and my spiritual state has actually been positively challenged too. So, whilst on the outside it would appear that I have lost, the actual truth is that I have gained a cumulative total of things which are worth far, far more than the embodiment of that single person who walked out. Alhamdulillah. I would do it all again as well if I had to because I know that nobody ever dies of divorce. If anything, it is just the beginning of living.

Targets vs Time

Sometimes, as an individual, we are a bag of inner contradictions. I am no exception. I’ve been talking lately about the things I want to achieve – both short-term and long-term – and then I question myself about what steps I’ve made to achieve them. Then again, I think, “Actually, I have made a promising start! I mustn’t be too hard on myself.” I know I have made some inroads into things I want to do before my time is up.

***Searching for the Thrill of the Unknown***

Perhaps the real issue is that feeling of restlessness or monotony. I feel I want to start a new project or enter the unknown. The predictable pattern of life is becoming rather stale and unappetizing. The familiar offers no new challenges or excitement. Waiting with baited breath for that new adventure around the corner is what I’m looking for now. Of course, I know that the familiar is a safe place and safe space to navigate my way through. But precisely because I know that each passing day is tantamount to even more limited time on Earth, I want to make the most of it and explore new possibilities. I even worry about my mental faculties. Who knows how long it will be before aspects of my health begin to fail? Do I want to live with major regrets?

I guess I am too hard on myself. If I list all the things I’ve achieved especially since I restarted my life on my own with my sons, Alhamdulillah I haven’t done too badly. Beyond the humdrum responsibilities which I’ve taken care of, I have had chances to take my foot off the pedal and relax and still enjoy life. There have been many joyous occasions I can recall – and I plan to continue creating them, inshaAllah. It’s not just about holidays and material desires but also the less obvious and less tangible things like the freedom to appreciate the great outdoors and to see the sky, breathe in fresh air and walk under a canopy of trees. All the things we take for granted and which for some people around the world are complete luxuries…

So, I count those everyday blissful sensory experiences which would never make it on most people’s bucket list either because they are woefully oblivious of the generosity Allah has bestowed on them or because (not through any fault of their own) they are limited by some sort of physical confinement which prevents them from being immersed in that experience.

Thus, I hope my targets which I have set for myself in this material world all are rooted in a deep appreciation for the gift of life itself. Whether I acknowledge those things from the comfort of my own home or by searching for it far and wide, I hope everything I achieve or experience is always consciously linked back to my Creator.

To Give is To Receive

Instead of waiting for someone else to bring joy to my life, I’ve learnt that I can bring joy to my life all by myself. Sounds a little conceited, I know.

However, the formula is far from one which is steeped in arrogance and self-acclaim. I have been around long enough in this world to know that the deepest form of pleasure and happiness occurs when we spread happiness to others. When they reciprocate with an obviously happy reaction, that in and of itself is a reason to feel happy within oneself.

The unfortunate ones in this life are those who think it too costly to invest in meaningful human relationships or even brief interactions with compassion since this would require too much time and effort on their part and the returns are not guaranteed. That’s a very narrow and myopic way to view life. And even if we spread kindness and it is rejected, that’s not a loss at all. It may feel a little painful in the moment but over time, we should be satisfied that we demonstrated decency above anger or any other knee-jerk reaction.

To give something of ourselves to others, without expectation and without judgement of them, is a tall order. However, if successfully delivered, it is a step towards actually becoming less embroiled in the things that threaten to lead to arrogance or division. It is a sort of soul-cleansing too. Each encounter with another individual where we get to exercise that chance to be and do good, is a chance to earn it back either right then and there or later on in life. Because ‘Good’ does find its way back eventually, Alhamdulillah. It may not be like for like but it is a direct corollary of the previous action. At least, that’s what I believe.

I know that Allah chooses to reward us both in this life and beyond. He knows how and when to do that. Sometimes, we are directly aware of His generosity. Other times we are shamefully ignorant. But His generosity runs through every moment of our lives, even when we are in our darkest holes. So when we give and that is reciprocated by other people, in truth, they are the conduits of the generosity of our Maker. It is not people per se who we should be focussing on when we feel we have been acknowledged for inadvertantly making them happy. It is the Creater who has allowed them to be the manifestation of his pleasure on us, inshaAllah.

A Work in Progress

***Working Across and With Different People***

As I settle into my daytime job, I realise that one of the things I relish most in life is meeting and existing alongside people. Of course, not just random or irrelevant people but in a context where I am building relationships with others who are, more often than not, so different from me. I say that and yet I know human similarities are usually greater than the differences because at the core of every normal person is basic decency, respect and compassion – the qualities that supercede the individual variations between us.

We all experience happiness, sorrow, pain, anger, fear and so much more. The common human experience is what binds us together – as it should. Sometimes I think of my workplace as a microcosm of what should be going on in the greater world: an example of mutual tolerance, respect and teamwork. Alhamdulillah, that’s a huge blessing as no job is worthwhile if the people you work with are the most difficult to be amongst. And all I say about them, I hope they reciprocate about me too.

I don’t seek to climb the career ladder at this stage of my life. In fact, I’d rather step off. That’s not to say I want to jump at the first opportunity to stop working altogether. No. For me, working outside of my home with others, is my key to sanity. I can have real conversations with others and not through a virtual medium. The nuances in speech and body language are important cues to navigate and from which we all learn our social skills. I recall working from home during Covid and feeling that if I had died at home, it wouldn’t have made any difference to anyone outside. Not that my eventual passing will make a difference to many people’s lives anyway. It’s inevitable that life has to continue for others long after one individual passes away. But, with my desire for human interaction on a daily basis, I knew that the online world, with its emotionless and mechanical exchanges, was not going to be a permanent fit for me at all.

The mention of death in my writing here isn’t meant to be a depressing thought. It actually is the one impetus that motivates me to get the most out of life as much as possible. As I write, in the past few days (including just today) I have come to learn about the passing of several people in my own life. It’s a reminder that my own time in this world is becoming increasingly limited. So, I want to be out there and doing things which I can do whilst I have the health, time and energy. In my daily interactions with others I want to give and take away things from this life. But not in a way which is just a form of selfish accumulation. I want all of those things to help make me better prepared for what lies ahead beyond this temporal existence, inshaAllah.

***Using the Temporal World as a Reminder of What’s Beyond***

Celebrating Life

Yesterday was my birthday.

Unlike many people, especially the young generation, who would like to mark the day with parties and presents, I chose to keep it much more subdued. Instead, my sons and I had a day out in central London walking through different parks and then enjoyed a lovely Lebanese meal in one of the many eateries there. It was not a day of pomp and grandeur. It was more a day of taking stock and being content with what I already have and making time to focus on that more.

At this stage of my life, birthdays have become more of a reason to reflect on the life that has passed already. It’s a legitimate excuse to celebrate all that I have been blessed with till now and inshaAllah, beyond. I am still in relatively good health, have a roof over my head and can still afford little luxuries in life. My sons are also alive and well and by my side. Alhamdulillah for all of that and so much more. Looking around and I know of many other people of a similar age who are suffering immensely with a myriad of issues – health, money, jobs, children or marriage. That’s to name but a few.

***Enjoying the Peace found in Nature***

Someone looking at me might argue that my life is far from ideal. Who’s isn’t? I have been running the show singlehandedly for almost seven years now. That’s an unenviable position to be in. But I still consider myself very fortunate because I have not allowed happpiness or contentment to elude me. I am much more focused on the silver lining than the cloud itself. In fact, the cloud has long since dispersed. Even when others try to cajole me to accept my status in life only as a divorcee, I refuse to be drawn into that narrow alleyway from which there is no escape. Too much good has happened since that time and despite it so much so that I can talk about it without feeling emotional. It’s almost as if I’m narrating the story of someone else’s life.

At the risk of sounding morbid, in recent years, as I celebrate another complete year of life, I wonder if I will be alive for the next one. But I am, in fact, stating a stark truism and that thought is not embedded in regret. Inevitably, there will come a time, sooner or later, when the answer will be ‘no’. That’s why I tell myself that I mustn’t celebrate a birthday alone. I am actually grateful for each and every day that is given to me as a gift from Allah. To lose a day in aimless frivolity or worse still, in a depressed state, is an absolute tragedy. My default setting will not allow that to happen. Alhamdulillah, so far, I’ve had no reason for that to happen. The aftermath of divorce is something I would like to believe I bounced back from with dignity and a sense of self-worth. Nobody owns my life except Allah and with this second opportunity to be single again, I relish the new lease of life I have been given.

Two Years After Snowdon

Tomorrow will mark the second anniversary of that epiphanous day: the climb up Mount Snowdon, 7 August 2021. The memory of it is still etched deeply into my mind and into my outlook on life forever more. I am grateful for that experience because it proved to me so much about myself that I had never given real credence to.

Two years on and the lessons learned from Snowdon continue to shape my thinking. I know I have talked myself into moving outside of my comfort zone and trying new things which will challenge me. For example, a new job where I am learning new computer skills and dealing with queries where my knowledge base may be limited initially but I’m not afraid to make independent investigations and resolve the matter at hand. Within that, I have regular human interactions and am exposed to people from all different walks of life and I relish that opportunity. Uniformity is so staid.

Then, there’s the rekindled desire to explore the wider world. I have travelled to three different countries in this past year alone whereas for all the time since I returned from Saudi Arabia in 2016, I hadn’t had the chance to do that at all. One of those trips was directly linked to my charity work and that, in itself, is an ambition I have held since long before I was even in my 20s.

The list of things I have been blessed to experience and put into practice is one that has finally started and I hope will continue to grow, inshaAllah. However, what is even more fundamental is the mindset that has allowed it all to occur. Going back to the moment when I was descending Snowdon, I recall reeling from the accomplishment I had achieved yet had never had any intention to do in the first place! It spoke volumes to me. I realised that the only person who could say ‘no’ to me exploring new territory was myself. All I ever need is Allah’s permission and it’s only if I attempt to do something and fail, will I know that He never wanted me to achieve it anyway. And even that is not a loss to lament. The experience in and of itself is something that builds character and resilience. It is His wisdom that overrides everything, good or seemingly bad.

At this time in my life, there are still other metaphorical mountains I need to climb. In fact, they are personal goals I have set for myself but not given them any serious thought mostly because I have convinced myself I may fail. Not the best foothold from which to climb up, I know. InshaAllah, I will conquer that weakness as I have done with other things and not give up until I have reached the summit. It will be a challenging climb and I know I probably will want to give up on the way. (That thought was a recurring theme on Snowdon!) However, once I set out, I know there will be no going back. My mind will remind me that once I’m at the top of this virtual climb, I’ll want to take in the view from up there and soak it all in.

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