mymotherhalf.com

A Look Back at My Blog

***Looking Back Only to Look Ahead with Thanks***

This is going to be one of those ‘thinking out loud’ moments. Privately, I have often gone back and randomly selected one of my own blog posts from the past to assess how true I have been to myself and to see what progress, if any, I have made since then. Have my opinions shifted? Have I only paid lip service to my words? It’s good to pause every so often and take stock.

To be honest, I stand by everything I have written so far over the course of three years. That’s because although I write sometimes impromptu, I have been carrying the sentiments for a much longer time and so they have had the chance to settle and take root in my mind much earlier. They are not ‘off the cuff’ reactionary remarks but thoughts I have pondered over for ages.

It’s heartwarming to have received feedback from family, friends and complete strangers. To know that my words have resonated with someone, or helped them through a dark moment, is ultimately what the purpose of writing here has been in the first place. This was never meant to be a platform to rant relentlessly. That is not conducive to anything except regret later on. I believe in trying to be constructively reflective; it’s important to be calm and rational. It’s especially important to keep moving forward.

If life is a train and we are the passengers, we should know too well that, at certain stops along the way, others will board that train and then disembark. Some will sit right next to us and engage, some will sit in silence and yet others will simply ride the same carriage with no real interaction. But the journey is unique to us and ours alone. This train I am on is moving full steam ahead and in one direction only. So, my stance is to sit back and enjoy the view.

The initial shock of divorce seven years ago has long since given way to a deep-seated contentment with my life now. It was the harbinger for so many positive changes in my life since then, Alhamdulillah. The most noticeable theme that permeates now is that I have regained control of things which are about me. I doubt I could ever relinquish that again. It’s not that I was oppressed in marriage but it is true that most women surrender so many of their own choices and preferences, from the food they cook to the people they mix with, to accommodate their spouse’s. And even after all that sacrifice, ultimately it sometimes is still not enough and the marriage comes unravelling.

I am done with all that. No more shifting goalposts to keep up with and no more reading between the lines. I only have to think for one. Myself. It has been great for my mental and physical wellbeing and my spiritual state has actually been positively challenged too. So, whilst on the outside it would appear that I have lost, the actual truth is that I have gained a cumulative total of things which are worth far, far more than the embodiment of that single person who walked out. Alhamdulillah. I would do it all again as well if I had to because I know that nobody ever dies of divorce. If anything, it is just the beginning of living.

Targets vs Time

Sometimes, as an individual, we are a bag of inner contradictions. I am no exception. I’ve been talking lately about the things I want to achieve – both short-term and long-term – and then I question myself about what steps I’ve made to achieve them. Then again, I think, “Actually, I have made a promising start! I mustn’t be too hard on myself.” I know I have made some inroads into things I want to do before my time is up.

***Searching for the Thrill of the Unknown***

Perhaps the real issue is that feeling of restlessness or monotony. I feel I want to start a new project or enter the unknown. The predictable pattern of life is becoming rather stale and unappetizing. The familiar offers no new challenges or excitement. Waiting with baited breath for that new adventure around the corner is what I’m looking for now. Of course, I know that the familiar is a safe place and safe space to navigate my way through. But precisely because I know that each passing day is tantamount to even more limited time on Earth, I want to make the most of it and explore new possibilities. I even worry about my mental faculties. Who knows how long it will be before aspects of my health begin to fail? Do I want to live with major regrets?

I guess I am too hard on myself. If I list all the things I’ve achieved especially since I restarted my life on my own with my sons, Alhamdulillah I haven’t done too badly. Beyond the humdrum responsibilities which I’ve taken care of, I have had chances to take my foot off the pedal and relax and still enjoy life. There have been many joyous occasions I can recall – and I plan to continue creating them, inshaAllah. It’s not just about holidays and material desires but also the less obvious and less tangible things like the freedom to appreciate the great outdoors and to see the sky, breathe in fresh air and walk under a canopy of trees. All the things we take for granted and which for some people around the world are complete luxuries…

So, I count those everyday blissful sensory experiences which would never make it on most people’s bucket list either because they are woefully oblivious of the generosity Allah has bestowed on them or because (not through any fault of their own) they are limited by some sort of physical confinement which prevents them from being immersed in that experience.

Thus, I hope my targets which I have set for myself in this material world all are rooted in a deep appreciation for the gift of life itself. Whether I acknowledge those things from the comfort of my own home or by searching for it far and wide, I hope everything I achieve or experience is always consciously linked back to my Creator.

To Give is To Receive

Instead of waiting for someone else to bring joy to my life, I’ve learnt that I can bring joy to my life all by myself. Sounds a little conceited, I know.

However, the formula is far from one which is steeped in arrogance and self-acclaim. I have been around long enough in this world to know that the deepest form of pleasure and happiness occurs when we spread happiness to others. When they reciprocate with an obviously happy reaction, that in and of itself is a reason to feel happy within oneself.

The unfortunate ones in this life are those who think it too costly to invest in meaningful human relationships or even brief interactions with compassion since this would require too much time and effort on their part and the returns are not guaranteed. That’s a very narrow and myopic way to view life. And even if we spread kindness and it is rejected, that’s not a loss at all. It may feel a little painful in the moment but over time, we should be satisfied that we demonstrated decency above anger or any other knee-jerk reaction.

To give something of ourselves to others, without expectation and without judgement of them, is a tall order. However, if successfully delivered, it is a step towards actually becoming less embroiled in the things that threaten to lead to arrogance or division. It is a sort of soul-cleansing too. Each encounter with another individual where we get to exercise that chance to be and do good, is a chance to earn it back either right then and there or later on in life. Because ‘Good’ does find its way back eventually, Alhamdulillah. It may not be like for like but it is a direct corollary of the previous action. At least, that’s what I believe.

I know that Allah chooses to reward us both in this life and beyond. He knows how and when to do that. Sometimes, we are directly aware of His generosity. Other times we are shamefully ignorant. But His generosity runs through every moment of our lives, even when we are in our darkest holes. So when we give and that is reciprocated by other people, in truth, they are the conduits of the generosity of our Maker. It is not people per se who we should be focussing on when we feel we have been acknowledged for inadvertantly making them happy. It is the Creater who has allowed them to be the manifestation of his pleasure on us, inshaAllah.

A Work in Progress

***Working Across and With Different People***

As I settle into my daytime job, I realise that one of the things I relish most in life is meeting and existing alongside people. Of course, not just random or irrelevant people but in a context where I am building relationships with others who are, more often than not, so different from me. I say that and yet I know human similarities are usually greater than the differences because at the core of every normal person is basic decency, respect and compassion – the qualities that supercede the individual variations between us.

We all experience happiness, sorrow, pain, anger, fear and so much more. The common human experience is what binds us together – as it should. Sometimes I think of my workplace as a microcosm of what should be going on in the greater world: an example of mutual tolerance, respect and teamwork. Alhamdulillah, that’s a huge blessing as no job is worthwhile if the people you work with are the most difficult to be amongst. And all I say about them, I hope they reciprocate about me too.

I don’t seek to climb the career ladder at this stage of my life. In fact, I’d rather step off. That’s not to say I want to jump at the first opportunity to stop working altogether. No. For me, working outside of my home with others, is my key to sanity. I can have real conversations with others and not through a virtual medium. The nuances in speech and body language are important cues to navigate and from which we all learn our social skills. I recall working from home during Covid and feeling that if I had died at home, it wouldn’t have made any difference to anyone outside. Not that my eventual passing will make a difference to many people’s lives anyway. It’s inevitable that life has to continue for others long after one individual passes away. But, with my desire for human interaction on a daily basis, I knew that the online world, with its emotionless and mechanical exchanges, was not going to be a permanent fit for me at all.

The mention of death in my writing here isn’t meant to be a depressing thought. It actually is the one impetus that motivates me to get the most out of life as much as possible. As I write, in the past few days (including just today) I have come to learn about the passing of several people in my own life. It’s a reminder that my own time in this world is becoming increasingly limited. So, I want to be out there and doing things which I can do whilst I have the health, time and energy. In my daily interactions with others I want to give and take away things from this life. But not in a way which is just a form of selfish accumulation. I want all of those things to help make me better prepared for what lies ahead beyond this temporal existence, inshaAllah.

***Using the Temporal World as a Reminder of What’s Beyond***

Celebrating Life

Yesterday was my birthday.

Unlike many people, especially the young generation, who would like to mark the day with parties and presents, I chose to keep it much more subdued. Instead, my sons and I had a day out in central London walking through different parks and then enjoyed a lovely Lebanese meal in one of the many eateries there. It was not a day of pomp and grandeur. It was more a day of taking stock and being content with what I already have and making time to focus on that more.

At this stage of my life, birthdays have become more of a reason to reflect on the life that has passed already. It’s a legitimate excuse to celebrate all that I have been blessed with till now and inshaAllah, beyond. I am still in relatively good health, have a roof over my head and can still afford little luxuries in life. My sons are also alive and well and by my side. Alhamdulillah for all of that and so much more. Looking around and I know of many other people of a similar age who are suffering immensely with a myriad of issues – health, money, jobs, children or marriage. That’s to name but a few.

***Enjoying the Peace found in Nature***

Someone looking at me might argue that my life is far from ideal. Who’s isn’t? I have been running the show singlehandedly for almost seven years now. That’s an unenviable position to be in. But I still consider myself very fortunate because I have not allowed happpiness or contentment to elude me. I am much more focused on the silver lining than the cloud itself. In fact, the cloud has long since dispersed. Even when others try to cajole me to accept my status in life only as a divorcee, I refuse to be drawn into that narrow alleyway from which there is no escape. Too much good has happened since that time and despite it so much so that I can talk about it without feeling emotional. It’s almost as if I’m narrating the story of someone else’s life.

At the risk of sounding morbid, in recent years, as I celebrate another complete year of life, I wonder if I will be alive for the next one. But I am, in fact, stating a stark truism and that thought is not embedded in regret. Inevitably, there will come a time, sooner or later, when the answer will be ‘no’. That’s why I tell myself that I mustn’t celebrate a birthday alone. I am actually grateful for each and every day that is given to me as a gift from Allah. To lose a day in aimless frivolity or worse still, in a depressed state, is an absolute tragedy. My default setting will not allow that to happen. Alhamdulillah, so far, I’ve had no reason for that to happen. The aftermath of divorce is something I would like to believe I bounced back from with dignity and a sense of self-worth. Nobody owns my life except Allah and with this second opportunity to be single again, I relish the new lease of life I have been given.

Two Years After Snowdon

Tomorrow will mark the second anniversary of that epiphanous day: the climb up Mount Snowdon, 7 August 2021. The memory of it is still etched deeply into my mind and into my outlook on life forever more. I am grateful for that experience because it proved to me so much about myself that I had never given real credence to.

Two years on and the lessons learned from Snowdon continue to shape my thinking. I know I have talked myself into moving outside of my comfort zone and trying new things which will challenge me. For example, a new job where I am learning new computer skills and dealing with queries where my knowledge base may be limited initially but I’m not afraid to make independent investigations and resolve the matter at hand. Within that, I have regular human interactions and am exposed to people from all different walks of life and I relish that opportunity. Uniformity is so staid.

Then, there’s the rekindled desire to explore the wider world. I have travelled to three different countries in this past year alone whereas for all the time since I returned from Saudi Arabia in 2016, I hadn’t had the chance to do that at all. One of those trips was directly linked to my charity work and that, in itself, is an ambition I have held since long before I was even in my 20s.

The list of things I have been blessed to experience and put into practice is one that has finally started and I hope will continue to grow, inshaAllah. However, what is even more fundamental is the mindset that has allowed it all to occur. Going back to the moment when I was descending Snowdon, I recall reeling from the accomplishment I had achieved yet had never had any intention to do in the first place! It spoke volumes to me. I realised that the only person who could say ‘no’ to me exploring new territory was myself. All I ever need is Allah’s permission and it’s only if I attempt to do something and fail, will I know that He never wanted me to achieve it anyway. And even that is not a loss to lament. The experience in and of itself is something that builds character and resilience. It is His wisdom that overrides everything, good or seemingly bad.

At this time in my life, there are still other metaphorical mountains I need to climb. In fact, they are personal goals I have set for myself but not given them any serious thought mostly because I have convinced myself I may fail. Not the best foothold from which to climb up, I know. InshaAllah, I will conquer that weakness as I have done with other things and not give up until I have reached the summit. It will be a challenging climb and I know I probably will want to give up on the way. (That thought was a recurring theme on Snowdon!) However, once I set out, I know there will be no going back. My mind will remind me that once I’m at the top of this virtual climb, I’ll want to take in the view from up there and soak it all in.

A Year Off

Wouldn’t that be something? To have the luxury of signing out of reality and swan off into the sunset and just do me! Unfortunately, not many of us can afford to live in reverie except in our dreams and so the monotony of routine has to be maintained…

As much as I wouldn’t want to rely on anyone totally to maintain my lifestyle anyway, I do hope that my sons will ease my load a bit when they become fully-fledged working adults. They have promised as much. Although I don’t demand that from them, I do expect a reciprocal gesture of support when they are able to do so one day, inshaAllah.

But would I retreat or retire for a year? Probably not. The guilt of not doing any paid work wouldn’t allow me to relax in complete abandon. To be honest, I wouldn’t like the life of a princess anyway. The idea has never sat comfortably with me. Even as a kid, when I lived in a developing nation in Asia, I recall growing up in a neighbourhood where we lived without wanting of any material things and yet feeling strangely uneasy at the juxtaposition of others’ poverty and our own wealth. Our neighbours were acutely poor and lived in a makeshift shack. Whilst I didn’t process it much at the time, I believe the retrospective reflection of all that had a lifelong impact on me and shaped my outlook on life thereafter.

For that reason, I have ever since been determined to help raise others out of a deprived state and alleviate their misery. Whether that be through formal charity work or a small random gesture, I hope to continue this quiet mission.

So, taking a year off would be used to do more of that. I’d hope in that time to try to take up my writing ambitions more seriously. I have long had a secret desire to refashion and develop my blog into a cathartic book of self-help for my readers in the hope it will have far-reaching positive outcomes both in terms of its breadth and depth. (If anyone reading my blog has a few constructive suggestions, I am all ears!) As a follow-up activity, I would love to be invited to talk to others in the hope of helping them heal and rebuild their lives. Even to get them to set out on that journey would be good enough!

In the meantime, I pray that this blog is already doing that and more. If I can help positively impact even one life, then every word I have written would have been well worth it. Maybe, even without my own version of a gap year, I will muster the courage and strength to compile a book and publish in wider circles. After all, if something needs to be done, it is a busy person who often is the one who accomplishes it.

Introspection

In the journey of finding out about the self, I have learnt one salient thing. It is that I enjoy the company of others, be it family or friends or beyond. That’s not to say I like big crowds or to be amongst random people. Actually, I prefer smaller gatherings where meaningful conversations happen and relationships are fostered rather than having to shout across a room of strangers to be heard – but not necessarily listened to.

As I move through my latter years, I envisage that I will not do well being on my own for long periods of time. The empty silence makes the mind wonder and causes me to slip backwards to painful memories. I speak candidly about these experiences so that others reading this will know they aren’t alone and will recognise the pitfalls that they might find themselves sinking into. The best way to avoid that peril is to keep oneself occupied in meaningful pursuits that don’t allow those haunting memories to surreptitiously creep back in.

For those who don’t know me, declaring that I dread long stretches of time alone could be misconstrued as me suggesting I have secret designs to remarry. To be honest, in the seven or so years that I have been on my own, I have never entertained the idea of venturing into that territory again. I could easily have considered taking another chance in marriage. However, just the thought of it is exhausting. Marriage isn’t the stuff of fairy tales and is hard work. Quite frankly, I don’t have the gumption for it any more. There’s also the adage, “once bitten, twice shy” which serves as a prelude to all my thoughts on that subject. These days, I actually enjoy moving in social circles and yet being able to step out of them when I need the time to recalibrate. I have had truly wonderful times together with some of my family and other female companions so much so that I feel my life is now quite nicely balanced.

Of course, there are times I wish I could pass the reigns of life onto someone else and not have to be at the helm constantly. However, that’s more to do with practical concerns and not emotional ones. My closest family members and closest friends have been my unwavering support and so far, that combination has served me well, Alhamdulillah. In fact, the one major liberation is knowing I am not being assessed in any way. What they see is what they get. Key performance indicators within marriage are no longer my concern.

By nature, I am a gregarious person and there are not many situations where I find myself completely unable to take part. That default state has helped me survive and thrive over the last few years especially. Now, I finally have the chance to express myself and represent myself again without being the appendage of anyone else. Basking in my own spotlight is something I continue to do unreservedly. It’s taken a very long time to own that spot but own it I will. And there’s only room for one.

I Met Someone…

Those who know me well and/or have been following my blog recently, would have come to realise that in the last few months I have been on a journey of sorts, especially one of self-discovery. It would seem I have fallen in love with life again. But that isn’t actually true. I have always been in love with life, Alhamdulillah. Even through the personal struggles, I have pulled through not least because of others depending on me but because I needed to for my own sake.

And so, with this disposition I have muddled my way through the last few years, ultimately always grateful for everything Allah has put in my path – the good, the bad and the ugly. All of those combined have shaped the person I am today and whilst that might sound like I am suffering from delusions of grandeur, I’d like to think that’s far from the truth. I have used the difficult experiences to reflect on the purpose of my being here at all. I understand that life was never meant to be a bed of roses. And I know that I do have some control over how I interpret events and build myself from them.

Through it all, I have met a very interesting person who I know understands me and will never let me down. They are the only one I can count on to serve as my counsel when I need advice. Although I didn’t know it, they were there all along going through my highs and lows in life. That person is Me. I have rediscovered myself. For so many years, I had lost a huge part of me whilst taking care of everyone else’s needs first. Isn’t that the story of most mothers and wives? We live on autopilot and acquiesce to the demands of others first.

However, now, having put my children through the major milestones of their lives and having rebuilt my life after my ex-husband decided to jump ship, I have rediscovered myself. I am experiencing an inebriated state of liberation and am loving it! I last felt like this when I was in my 20s. It is not a state of hedonism. It’s just a feeling of being justifiably selfish and prioritising myself once again.

Although I would be well within my rights to remarry, I am enjoying this freedom too much to want to be restricted. Finally, I am unfettered. So why would I want to ruin that? My life is now a solo expedition and I don’t say that with regret or a sense of self-pity. My future has arrived and I have embraced it with open arms. It doesn’t matter how long I have left in this duniya (world) but moreso how I use that time. Life isn’t one big holiday and so I hope the activities I get involved in representing myself, big or small, will always be an investment towards the greatest challenge ahead of me of all beyond this life.

It’s All About Me Now

***An Escape to Cambridge Botanical Gardens***

A completely self-indulgent title and well deserved.

I make no apology for finally putting myself first having sacrificed my personal ambitions and hopes for so many years. Whilst I have no resentment in doing that, as motherhood was – and still is – a role I cherish, the balance has now shifted in favour of me. Others will have to wait. I’m now at the front of the queue for staking my claims in life.

In that vein, last week I managed to escape my normal routine and home and headed to Cambridge where, for the first time in years, I set out on a journey on my own without any company. It was a trip I was determined to do as a forerunner to further travels in future inshaAllah. The train journey was a welcome opportunity to float into reverie and feel all my worries and thoughts dissipate with each passing mile. Looking out at nothing in particular, and yet at everything beyond my window, was an experience of pure unadulterated bliss. Just green fields, farm animals and blue sky. No conversation, no phone in use, no distractions. This was the epitome of peace…

In Cambridge itself, I spent a few relaxing days with a friend with whom I shared candid conversations about our past, present and especially future. Both of us grateful in our own ways for having arrived at where we are now in life and poised to do more. I realised that happiness isn’t necessarily found in pursuing reckless dreams or even in another life partner. Whilst those scenarios can – and do – genuinely offer some people a sense of happiness, it’s very possible to be satisfied in life without those elements. For my friend and I, it was simply delightful just to stay up late over a coffee and toast and share ideas and past experiences. Real human interaction without unnecessary interruptions is what feeds my soul.

Did I miss my sons whilst I was away? Of course! But not to the point where I was fretting about their whereabouts or safety. I’ve definitely started to untie the knot between us slightly. There needs to be more room for movement for us all now and a greater sense of independence. And that independence relates even to me. Being comfortable with doing things alone is what will get me through the rest of my life because I am under no illusion that my family unit will be undergoing some drastic changes in time to come. I no longer have boys under my wing. Rather, they are adults in their own right pursuing their own dreams. And so they should. But whilst they understand their responsibilities to their mother, I wouldn’t want to selfishly curtail their chances of fulfilling their dreams if they had to make some difficult choices.

Whilst they figure out their own futures, the phase of life I find myself in is one which exudes relief. It’s not that I have rescinded all my parental responsibilities. No. That, inshaAllah, will never happen. However, my load is somewhat lighter now mainly because the school phase is finally over. Any educational ventures they pursue now, they will have to figure out largely on their own.

I guess the next monumental phase of their lives will be marriage, if they are endowed with that opportunity inshaAllah. For now, whilst there is no activity in that area, I will revel in the absence of drama. The calm before the storm.

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