Half of My Life

Earlier this week, I reached a bittersweet and poignant point in my life.

I realised that exactly half my life ago, I was embarking on a new chapter called ‘Marriage’. It didn’t last as long as I had expected to which, to be honest, I always imagined would be till the day either my husband or I died, whoever would depart first. Seems the departure would be in a form I had never imagined.

There have definitely been many, many highs since that fateful day when I was asked to leave. I have had precious moments with my sons and through the difficult days, we have come through stronger and more determined. There remains in all of us a desire to accomplish so much more yet that life has to offer. Alhamdulillah, in many ways our silver lining has dwarfed the cloud that it contained. What remains of that cloud is just a few wisps rather than a ominous burden casting its shadow from above. I’d like to believe that my sons’ own resilience has partly come from observing my own. If there’s anything I’ve learned, ironically from the time I entered my marriage, where I was met by resistance from my family, to the time I exited it, was that I would shake off the dust and stand up tall taller.

The poignant memories will always be there. I’ve told myself not to bother fight them. It’s part and parcel of being human. However, there’s a lid on them now where they aren’t allowed to overspill into my current life. They are very much contained and without much effort either. As the distance between my past and present increases, so too does my sadness. Allah has blessed me with more than what I lost, Alhamdulillah.

I recall when my sons had all moved on from school and into university, there was a liberation for me as a mother. It was less about overseeing their practical and academic matters than it was about overseeing their emotional wellbeing. Not to say that this was easy either. However, they were negotiating adulthood and now that they are established in the world of work, I see that the tables have turned. It is them now taking care of me more and trying to reciprocate in ways they can for the care I bestowed upon them. Alhamdulillah, for the benefits of sabr (patience). These days, I love spending time with them either all together or individually and being able to talk on a level where we all respect and listen to the other’s opinions, advice and thoughts. They are very much my confidants and I theirs.

None of these developments and dynamics may have happened if the status quo of nine years ago had remained.

But now I’ve entered an even newer phase. I am feeling this latter part of my life is going to be about all the things I put off whilst everyone else came first. Isn’t that the narrative of every normal mother? I guess I’m no different to so many self-sacrificing mothers out there. But I don’t just dream about days out with my girlfriends and family. want to make it about my solo adventures whether that be in a literal or spiritual sense.I want to breathe life into the soul within – a part of which has been waiting for someone to reach for the bellows and revive. That someone can only be me. Insha’Allah, there continues to be progress on this score. I am excited for whatever time is left of my life. I live with hope for the things I hope to achieve and for what I wish to see my sons’ achieve.

Whilst I mark this week looking back at the halfway point of my life so far, I also have faith that the latter years will be the ones that supercede the earlier ones in terms of cumulative happiness, fulfilment and spiritual growth, insha’Allah.