When going through life, we inevitably come across encounters with others which cause us to reflect on our own lives. I’m no exception to that.
Recently, I was engaged in a conversation with someone who was expressing their viewpoint about a sticky family situation. Whilst listening, I was coming in and out of focus and my mind was pondering over the comments being made; I was thinking of the many moments I wanted to (but didn’t) interject and ask questions which would encourage some introspection from the other side. It’s not that I completely disagreed with what was being said by that person but there were also many things I wanted to comment on if only to make them stand outside of their own self and look in and see where they might have been going wrong too.
Often, we can’t see the wood for the trees. I concluded it was futile to try to intervene and ameliorate the situation and try to find a resolution between the two parties involved, both of whom I know well. It was like trying to grasp water in my hands.
In the end, I resolved to let the matter lie. Clearly, with pride, stubborness and ego playing their ugly roles in the matter, nothing seems likely to move forward. People will not be able to overcome problems with those monoliths blocking the path. Such a tragic loss of energy and time. It’s the stuff that leads to major wars on the world stage and family fueds on a more personal level.
From this conversation today though, I reflected how things in my own family would be if nobody decided they might be in the wrong and were unwilling to back down. I’d like to think none of us are that far gone with haughtiness. Alhamdulillah, I’d like to think that at least a reasonable discussion could be had even if it were to amicably conclude with an agreement to disagree.
My advice to any parent reading this is to be receptive to listening to your children when they need counselling or advice. They may bring news you may not wish to hear but giving them your undivided attention and trust that their views will not be rubbished or dismissed as irrelevant, is so crucial to winning their respect and a reciprocal trust. If they are unable to do that with their parents, they will definitely seek substitutes to confide in outside of the family home which may be far less desirable. Better they speak to their parents openly without fear of repercusssions rather than withhold information and seek solace in the wrong places elsewhere. But this setup takes years of nurturing and can’t be forged overnight.
I’ve seen the mistakes others have made and have tried my best to consciously avoid those same pitfalls. Since raising my sons alone, I’ve had to find my own formula for parenting and insha’Allah it’s been working well so far. I think the core ingredients are love, trust, compassion and humility. The ability to hold your hands up and admit when you’ve done wrong is also important. Not just for the children but parents too. Ultimately, everyone is culpable for making a relationship work.
May Allah protect us all and find solutions to the problems we encounter.
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