mymotherhalf.com

I Met Someone…

Those who know me well and/or have been following my blog recently, would have come to realise that in the last few months I have been on a journey of sorts, especially one of self-discovery. It would seem I have fallen in love with life again. But that isn’t actually true. I have always been in love with life, Alhamdulillah. Even through the personal struggles, I have pulled through not least because of others depending on me but because I needed to for my own sake.

And so, with this disposition I have muddled my way through the last few years, ultimately always grateful for everything Allah has put in my path – the good, the bad and the ugly. All of those combined have shaped the person I am today and whilst that might sound like I am suffering from delusions of grandeur, I’d like to think that’s far from the truth. I have used the difficult experiences to reflect on the purpose of my being here at all. I understand that life was never meant to be a bed of roses. And I know that I do have some control over how I interpret events and build myself from them.

Through it all, I have met a very interesting person who I know understands me and will never let me down. They are the only one I can count on to serve as my counsel when I need advice. Although I didn’t know it, they were there all along going through my highs and lows in life. That person is Me. I have rediscovered myself. For so many years, I had lost a huge part of me whilst taking care of everyone else’s needs first. Isn’t that the story of most mothers and wives? We live on autopilot and acquiesce to the demands of others first.

However, now, having put my children through the major milestones of their lives and having rebuilt my life after my ex-husband decided to jump ship, I have rediscovered myself. I am experiencing an inebriated state of liberation and am loving it! I last felt like this when I was in my 20s. It is not a state of hedonism. It’s just a feeling of being justifiably selfish and prioritising myself once again.

Although I would be well within my rights to remarry, I am enjoying this freedom too much to want to be restricted. Finally, I am unfettered. So why would I want to ruin that? My life is now a solo expedition and I don’t say that with regret or a sense of self-pity. My future has arrived and I have embraced it with open arms. It doesn’t matter how long I have left in this duniya (world) but moreso how I use that time. Life isn’t one big holiday and so I hope the activities I get involved in representing myself, big or small, will always be an investment towards the greatest challenge ahead of me of all beyond this life.

It’s All About Me Now

***An Escape to Cambridge Botanical Gardens***

A completely self-indulgent title and well deserved.

I make no apology for finally putting myself first having sacrificed my personal ambitions and hopes for so many years. Whilst I have no resentment in doing that, as motherhood was – and still is – a role I cherish, the balance has now shifted in favour of me. Others will have to wait. I’m now at the front of the queue for staking my claims in life.

In that vein, last week I managed to escape my normal routine and home and headed to Cambridge where, for the first time in years, I set out on a journey on my own without any company. It was a trip I was determined to do as a forerunner to further travels in future inshaAllah. The train journey was a welcome opportunity to float into reverie and feel all my worries and thoughts dissipate with each passing mile. Looking out at nothing in particular, and yet at everything beyond my window, was an experience of pure unadulterated bliss. Just green fields, farm animals and blue sky. No conversation, no phone in use, no distractions. This was the epitome of peace…

In Cambridge itself, I spent a few relaxing days with a friend with whom I shared candid conversations about our past, present and especially future. Both of us grateful in our own ways for having arrived at where we are now in life and poised to do more. I realised that happiness isn’t necessarily found in pursuing reckless dreams or even in another life partner. Whilst those scenarios can – and do – genuinely offer some people a sense of happiness, it’s very possible to be satisfied in life without those elements. For my friend and I, it was simply delightful just to stay up late over a coffee and toast and share ideas and past experiences. Real human interaction without unnecessary interruptions is what feeds my soul.

Did I miss my sons whilst I was away? Of course! But not to the point where I was fretting about their whereabouts or safety. I’ve definitely started to untie the knot between us slightly. There needs to be more room for movement for us all now and a greater sense of independence. And that independence relates even to me. Being comfortable with doing things alone is what will get me through the rest of my life because I am under no illusion that my family unit will be undergoing some drastic changes in time to come. I no longer have boys under my wing. Rather, they are adults in their own right pursuing their own dreams. And so they should. But whilst they understand their responsibilities to their mother, I wouldn’t want to selfishly curtail their chances of fulfilling their dreams if they had to make some difficult choices.

Whilst they figure out their own futures, the phase of life I find myself in is one which exudes relief. It’s not that I have rescinded all my parental responsibilities. No. That, inshaAllah, will never happen. However, my load is somewhat lighter now mainly because the school phase is finally over. Any educational ventures they pursue now, they will have to figure out largely on their own.

I guess the next monumental phase of their lives will be marriage, if they are endowed with that opportunity inshaAllah. For now, whilst there is no activity in that area, I will revel in the absence of drama. The calm before the storm.

From Periphery to Centre

This week’s post isn’t a lesson in geometry. But it has everything to do with how, as a mother, I have lived alongside my children in concentric circles. Where till now their priorities took precedence over my own, these days my goals have moved closer to the centre and my sons’ goals have had to swap places with me. But what does that centre even represent? It is the point where we all find a space to occupy, seek to achieve our own goals and achieve a happy equilibrium.

As I’ve been reiterating in the last few weeks and more, I’ve long been in search of my forgotten self. Having lived in the shadows of everyone else’s lives, it is finally my time to step into the light and let others dim their own demands. Alhamdulillah, that process has already started only because I’ve made sure that I follow up the promises I made to myself with action. The realisation that nobody else will create opportunities for me is not coming from self-pity. It’s more an acknowledgement that if Allah has given me the means and determination to do things, then what am I waiting for?

Last weekend, my older sons and myself, together with a good friend and her son, escaped to Dublin, Ireland for a few days of respite from routine. The trip was a success from beginning to end not least because we were all good company for one another. Dublin was itself very welcoming and the surrounding suburbs and countryside were places of pure delight – verdant hills, luminous lakes and beautiful beaches all collaborated to play the perfect hosts. And we were not disappointed.

***Glendalough, Valley of the Two Lakes, Ireland***

The past year has afforded me wonderful opportunities to travel abroad. But that’s not the only way to measure how I’ve put myself back into the centre of things. Whilst it is important that these opportunities exist, I don’t simply aspire to ephemeral pleasures. All my aspirations and pursuits need to feed into the reminder of why I exist at all. Of course, the ‘fun’ element has to be there otherwise there would be no pleasure in doing things at all. But ‘fun’ isn’t meant in the selfish or flippant sense although there is nothing wrong with that. I like to go one step further and remind myself that the joy of the senses must happen within Islamic parameters and be something from which I learn or improve.

Alongside many postponed travel plans accumulated over the years, I also seek to work in a mainstream role that alleviates the suffering of humanity. Whilst that sounds like a lofty and self-adulatory ambition, I am actually only too aware that I am dispensable and there are many people out there doing amazing things already. However, I want to be part of that machine. I know that I came to this world not only to serve my own best interests.

So, whilst I move towards the centre of the concentric circles that comprises my own life and my sons, an overlapping circle exists where I aim to work towards the betterment of humanity and within which I now move and want to focus my energies. Alhamdulillah, that journey has already begun and I hope it is an ambition that supercedes all others.

***Learning to Layer and Juggle Priorities***

Motherhood: Part 3

As my youngest son prepares to sit his final exams at school next week, I prepare to enter a new phase of motherhood. No more parent meetings, no more emails from school, no more direct involvement in his education. It is a watershed moment in my life. I welcome it with open arms.

The question is: “Why is this Motherhood Part 3?”

The answer is that Part 1 was the early or formative years of my children’s lives when they were growing up and when their father was still around. I view Part 2 as the last seven years where I have had to manage my children alone and guide them through their individual educational journeys, not to mention their teenage hormones.

This latest phase is completely different.

It marks the point where I have to relinquish aspects of micro-managing as a parent/mother and I’m aware that that term, ‘micro-managing’ has many negative connotations. But most parents will agree that it’s something necesssary when the kids are growing up. Today though, my sons have a much greater degree of autonomy. In particular, as they step outside of home, they will be treated as fully-fledged adults; I will take more of a back seat when it comes to their interactions with the wider world.

Though motherhood will never cease for me, it has now evolved into something different. Whereas before, they had to accept certain decisions I had made on their behalf, now things are up for negotiation. I find myself often sitting and listening to their justifications for a decision they have made or are considering. To be honest, I have never been closed to those kind of discussions. It allows me a valuable insight into their mindset and the criteria they use to inform their choices. As I always tell them, as long as it is in keeping with Islam, I will probably concede to their demands. I’m also governed by the knowledge that I can’t stifle their options for my own selfish gains. If I can’t present a reason rooted in Islam, to object to their choices, then I have no case to make.

What we have now in our home isn’t a chaotic mess. Instead, I believe there is a mutual respect of the other person’s thoughts, ideals or ambitions. Even where we may agree to disagree, I’ve had to learn to let these young men figure out life for themselves. Should they end up tripping over obstacles, then so be it. A life without mistakes is the idealism of a fool. My job is to be here to console or redirect if necessary.

Ageing is a process that many people fear, especially the physical manifestations of that process. Whilst that’s one battle that is now on my hands, I actually relish being an older person for other reasons. I feel the longest haul of motherhood is almost done. Now I can focus on things which are for my benefit only and not feel guilty about it. I also feel life has definitely forced me to be able to discern more from a situation than is immediately apparent. Then, I am also looking forward to watching my sons mature into adult men who will reciprocate the years of nurturing I have invested in them, inshaAllah.

I will not be a back seat driver. I will simply take the back seat and enjoy…

Escape to the Country

Perhaps one of the surest signs of getting older is when you realise you would prefer a rural retreat over a city scene. Whilst I’ve always felt both those scenarios as magnetic pulls, the idea of leaving behind noise, traffic, buildings, the internet and people, is something that appeals to me more and more.

In my mind’s eye, I can picture my idea of Utopia: sitting at a small table on a balcony on a mountainside and overlooking a pristine valley below with trees and grass and a lazy river running through. Not a car or person in sight and all that wonderful country air to inhale. Nature is king here. For those people who already have the privilege of waking up to such a scene every day, I envy them. But I also know the grass is greener on the other side. (Excuse the pun). There are surely challenges of living in such places and for those people, ‘Utopia’ may not be the word that comes to mind when describing it.

However, I yearn for a few days every so often to be disconnected from my reality. It’s not that anything negative is going on but the need for some respite is beoming greater with age. Whilst I relish the chance to travel to any new place, my ideal getaway destination these days would be as described above. InshaAllah, I hope to transform this dream into a reality soon.

Meanwhile, I strive not to be distracted by my phone but I succumb to that vice more often than I’d care to admit. I have to confess that it’s been ages since I read a book from cover to cover and I miss that. I was the proverbial bookworm many years ago. I can understand why people take a good book to read on holiday although I still would feel that my time away from home should be spent exploring a new place. Reading would be reserved for the evenings when relaxing. Daytime is for being out and about and discovering new things.

With that in mind, I am toying with the idea of solo travel abroad. Even just once. It has been many years since I did that and I’m not sure I have the confidence any more. Also, it’s always nice to share encounters and experiences with a fellow companion. And yet there’s a part of me that wants to travel alone simply to prove to myself that I can. I have nobody holding me back. I know that I will work towards overcoming my fears and moving outside of my comfort zone. So I hope to report back here in time to come, inshaAllah. Though I have made no plans whatsoever, I feel it is something I need to do.

In fact, the last few years have all been about solo ventures of sorts and being independent. I have a zest for new experiences which I hope will continue till it’s time for me to leave here for good. Maybe I’m making up for lost time. But with my sons now all grown up, what better time to explore new opportunities than now?

The Denim Jacket

So what’s the big deal about a jacket? It’s only an item of clothing. Perhaps so but, for me, purchasing this addition to my wardrobe had a far greater significance than for most other people.

Growing up, through my teens and beyond, the denim jacket was perceived as a symbol of rebellion. Whether this was all in my mind or not, I felt wearing a jacket of this type would not have been received too well by those around me. There’s something about denim and the deviance it implied. But it wasn’t just that. I myself never had the confidence to dare wear such a thing as it wouldn’t have helped with my low self-esteem at the time. So, it remained out of reach more by choice than anything else.

Fast forward to my current life and I am now the proud owner of my very first denim jacket. Admittedly, it’s been a very bold move on my part. Just making the decision to buy it was one that had me to-ing and fro-ing for a long while and even though I now have one in my possession, I am still questioning my own decision. Would it really suit an older woman? Am I trying to recapture my youth? What am I trying to prove? I can sometimes be my own worst enemy. If that wasn’t enough, I’ve not had the courage to take the price tag off despite wearing it a couple of times! It’s as if I’m half expecting to return it and haven’t been able to commit to the decision I’ve made. Crazy, I know.

But there is the other part of me that knows I am over-thinking this decision. I know that this jacket, along with any other item of clothing I have, will always be worn in a way that protects my modesty and keeps me within the fold of a suitable dress code for a Muslim woman. That’s why I didn’t hold back when buying it. I always had an image of what I’d like to see for myself -on myself – and Alhamdulillah, I know I’ve ticked all the necessary boxes to fulfil my duties of Islamically appropriate attire.

There’s nothing to say an older woman cannot be chique but modest. These two concepts have never been mutually exclusive. In fact, even as a woman myself, one of the things that I find really pleasing to see is a fellow Muslim woman dressed elegantly. It reinforces the notion that a woman dressed according to Islamic principles can actually be beautiful without being decadent. There’s nothing to say that a Muslim woman has to look like a sack of potatoes. As much as some hardliners might try to sell this concept, I know it’s nonsense and is oppressive. It denies the woman any right to individual expression and her innate desire to want to look and feel pleasing to herself, never mind others. Also, as I continue on my own weight loss journey, I want to celebrate my success along the way. Buying clothes which were once forbidden to me because of my own distorted perception of myself, is a way of affirming my freedom from that mindset. Goodbye Cinderella! This latest phase of my life is all about me now. No more waiting in the queue for my turn to enjoy a few indulgences.

I hope never to feign youth and be in denial about the ageing process. I know it’s happening. By the same token, I refuse to give up on some small pleasures in life and pretend to be content to live at bare miminum level when I know I could do better. Allah has given me the opportunity to do so and rejecting those blessings would be ingratitude in itself.

So, the denim jacket is a potent symbol for me. It is a ~~small~~ huge victory of self-determination over self-doubt. It is a statement to say I have some zest for life still. It is an outward reflection of an inner rejuvenation that I have been feeling for some months now. Whilst others will never know the courage it has taken me to get to this point, I know that the jacket will always be worn as an acknowledgement that I have the strength to overcome my deepest inhibitions without worrying what others think of me. I only need to consult my Islamic conscience and nothing nor nobody else. That is a wonderful liberation.

A Successful Son

***The Stereotypical Picture of Success***

We all have different perceptions of what a successful son might look like. For some, it’s about having raised a young man to stand on his own two feet financially. For others, it’s about academic achievements and yet, for the rest, it may be about neither of those things necessarily but more about good character overall.

The truth is, a successful son probably embodies all of those elements above in varying degrees. And more. As time moves on, I know my definition of it has become more fluid. I am less and less fixated on the worldly or tangible measurements of success such as a degree or a high-flying career. I’ve definitely never been one to covet material wealth and feel it’s one of the most nauseating characteristics of any individual. That’s why the latter scenario does not constitute success since more often than not, people flaunt their wealth and there’s an associated arrogance that comes with it. Not the most inspiring people to emulate.

***Dangerous Distractions and Delights***

As I mature in my own age, so too does my outlook on life. For my children, what has always remained constant though is the need to inculcate good Islamic values since this is what underpins everything they do. No career aspiration or academic goal is worth anything without this. It is the foundation upon which everything stands. So if my sons’ goals are not realised or if they fall short in some way, I hope I will stand true to my word insha’Allah and recognise that they are not failures. Failure (and success) is too often measured in very narrow terms – in light of someone’s academic trajectory and/or career path. All this is born from the fact that parents project their own definition of success onto their children because they themselves are victims of society’s expectations. It takes a brave individual to dare step off the hamster wheel and see this for what it really is.

Whilst there is every need to guide our kids, there isn’t an absolute necessity to impose our perceptions onto them. They must be allowed some room to explore their own strengths and weaknesses for themselves. On the other hand, they should never be completely left alone to become complacent about life. They could learn a few things from their parents’ personal value systems.

I am mindful of the need for my sons to be decent, kind and respectful human beings – essentially to be good representatives of Islam. Although these are qualities that have no official certification awarded to them, they should be at the core of their existence. These traits have to permeate all the things they put their minds to in order to carry them through to a good final destination beyond this life, insha’Allah. In essence, the qualities I value in my sons are that they strive to do their best in every aspect of life and remember humility at all times.

We are all works in progress especially our spiritual beings. Whilst success is not an elusive thing, I do believe it is ever-expansive such that we can never quite say we’ve reached our full potential. There’s always room for improvement. Acknowledging that is a form of success in itself. Knowing that Allah is the ultimate Judge of success is what should motivate us each day to do more and give more rather than take more. We pour from our own jug -a jug which we must fill ourselves. Nobody else can be expected to fill it.

For my own sons, I measure their success according to what is expected of them as Muslims; not what my fickle mind tells me is acceptable. I think society still has a long way to go whereby there needs to be a shift towards focussing on the internal qualities of a person rather than the external accolades accrued through school and work per se. Perhaps our children will have better self-worth and eradicate the feeling of failure if we stop placing our own egoistic values on them.

***Learning to Fill and Pour for Ourselves***

Fight or Fight

No, this time it’s not a typo…although my writings are filled with them.

Today, I am reflecting on several things at once but the one thing that dominates my mind is a message for women who, like me, are facing life alone at the head of a household. We don’t have the option to fly away and escape confrontation of pressing issues at home. Those issues, like it or not, have to be faced and overcome because there is no other option. There is no recourse to a man (husband) to call upon for support or guidance. The buck stops with mothers in the absence of fathers who wander off into the sunset.

Do I appear fed up? You bet.

This is one of those days when things come to a head and the collection of little incidents along the way remind me of the long-term ramifications of being divorced. I don’t have the luxury of looking over my shoulder to see if someone has my back. I alone have to reconcile my myriad of thoughts to arrive at a conclusion. It’s not that anything ‘bad’ has happened lately but just the string of events that remind me that I can’t take a break and take my foot off the pedal. It’s not like the movies where a brick placed in lieu of a human foot will keep the car in forward motion. I have to be there all the time and there’s no letting up.

This is why I don’t believe ex-husbands have the privilege or right to be kept informed of any milestones that their (abandoned) children achieve. After all, had they been that interested, they’d have stuck around to have found out first-hand. In my own case, I don’t interfere with what my sons share with their father. I simply feel him knowing or not is of no consequence any more as they are now adults and can make their own decisions. In any case, their lives are not on a live ticker tape as a constant news feed.

I would implore any mother in a similar boat to me, to fight her corner. This is the hallmark of self-respect and, therefore, the demand to be taken seriously by others. Unfortunately, these days children tacitly abuse their parents, especially mothers, in ways which undermind the authority of the latter. The departure of a father seems to leave a mother exposed to ridicule, undermined authority and vulnerability. Children subconsciously play upon this. But it needs to be nipped in the bud. No child has the right to denigrate their parent – not least the mother who singlehandedly has raised them. Alhamdulillah, I have not had concerns of that nature only because if it has threatened to present itself, I have throttled it immediately. This is the unfortunate legacy of single motherhood. The damage that fathers cause has far far wider-reaching reverberations than they care to understand.

On the flip side, it’s important to teach children to articulate themselves privately and publicly; to let them know the value of their input at home and outside. I have inculcated a sense of self-respect amongst my sons so that they know they are no less important than a young person who has had two parents to support them.

Just like how I know my self-worth, with or without a husband by my side, my sons have come to know their self-worth even though they do not come from a traditional family with two parents. We may not be traditional but Alhamdulillah, we are ideal because this is what Allah intended for us and I am grateful that our current situation has created opportunities for us all to excel in areas we’d never have ventured.

There is no flight for us. We are not cowards. We will stay the course and see it through, insha’Allah.

Peace

We tarry in this world for a short time and become consumed with so much nonsense so much so that we lose sight of what’s important.

This is one of those moments where I remind myself of what I’m searching for in life.

With that, I’ll keep my ramblings brief on this occasion and allow myself to hear the silence inside and outside my head.

Nothing profound to say tonight. I’ll let peace reign in my head instead…

A Personal Paradigm Shift

When I made the decision to move from working online at home to working in an office, I trusted my instincts and knew it was the right thing to do. As convenient as it was to simply shift from one room to another and log onto my working life at the switch of a button, there was always something that felt intrinsically wrong – as if I hadn’t made a real transition into my working role.

The institution I was representing at the time wasn’t the most supportive or inclusive either which compounded the feeling of isolation. In total, the setup did not lend itself to a feeling that I was valued in society, or that my presence – or absence- in this world made a difference to anyone. That’s when I knew something had to give. I threw in the towel and decided to jump in at the deep end and force myself to not sink to the bottom of the sea. For six months, I searched for a new opening. A new beginning.

Alhamdulillah, it paid off. Now, I’m in a job where I interact with adults and what an eclectic mix of people they are! But that’s where the challenge and simultaneous satisfaction lies. I have face-to-face human transactions every day with people from all walks of life and different backgrounds. It’s exactly the kind of thing I cherish. Coming from a past where I’ve lived and worked amongst a diverse range of people in different countries, I love these such encounters. Not only do I learn about others but they also learn a little bit about me or what I represent as a Muslim woman. I’ve always been an ardent advocate of the idea that these such interactions are opportunities to educate one party about the other.

Although it is early days still, I can say that I’ve never woken up for work feeling a sense of dread or tedium. Perhaps a few more months and years may change my perspective. However, the thought that sustains me is that I believe Allah has been generous in the first place by giving me this opportunity to ease my way back into mainstream work after a long hiatus. Knowing that this is all His design, helps keep me in check. I can’t afford to waste the chance to make it a success.

This is why when I think of work I say to myself, “I am busy living. I am not busy making a living.”

Of course, there’s no denial that a reasonable paycheck at the end of the month is very welcome. However, that was never the sole incentive to go out into the world of work. Right now, the driving force for going out to work is to maintain my sanity and self-worth. I want to be part of a bigger project. Given my sons are these days self-reliant, my role as mother has become increasingly narrow and so the time is ripe to contribute to this world in other ways. Whilst my paid job isn’t anything to write home about, it is still a heartwarming feeling to know I may have positively impacted someone’s life in a small way each day.

It’s taken several years to get to the mental state where I am but I always knew it was a work in positive progress, Alhamdulillah. Being still and stagnating were never options I would have subscribed to for myself. When friends advised me to get busy post-divorce, I knew they were speaking with the benefit of personal experience but I needed time to figure out what ‘busy’ was going to look like for me. I believe I’ve found that balance where work is not something that consumes my life. It serves me rather than the other way around. And that’s how I wish it to always remain, insha’Allah. I am living a life now where I see everything around me as a blessing.

This phase of my life is the best that was to come…and came, Alhamdulillah.

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