It’s been a lifetime of going through long periods of low self-esteem and then short-lived bouts of positivity but finally, at this late stage of life, I feel I have finally sown the seed of confidence within.
It’s the type of confidence that tells me that I don’t need validation from others; lately I’ve found a freedom of expression be it through my attire or social circle or even my daily routine. All these things combined have helped release me into a zone where I continue to have a yearning to live and enjoy a sense of contentment and peace, Alhamdulillah.
I’d be lying if I said that state has been a constant. It hasn’t been. Rather, there have been blips and dips. I’ve had phases where I become so despondent and ask myself why bother to even reach that ever-elusive goal of perfection – perfection in the way I look, in the balance between work, exercise and rest and in the interactions with family and friends.
However, somehow, over the last few years, I’ve worked out my niche and have established a lifestyle whereby all those elements that make the whole have come into play quite well. The nicest thing I remind myself is that I get to control a lot of it and if there’s something that’s not quite right, it’s up to me to redress that balance. Nobody gets to interrupt or skew my goals.
Perhaps I haven’t articulated my thoughts too well here. But I guess what I’m also saying is that the single life in my twilight years has its advantages. No stresses brought about by a husband and his whims, expectations or demands. That’s not to denigrate marriage. For sure, marriage has many beautiful advantages and joys. However, now that I’m no longer married, I have learnt to cherish this situation and use it to my advantage. The bitter-sweet has evolved more into just sweet. And for that I am truly grateful.
I realise that Allah doesn’t give everyone everything. And that’s fine. I put my trust in His decision. Rather than lament what is seemingly lacking, I will immerse myself in what He has bestowed upon me, most of which I am not even aware of.
The older me is now living the younger version of my life. It’s not a recap of the past. It’s more a second chance in life to appreciate my own company but with a self-confidence I never had back then. I can now focus on myself having sacrificed the better part of these last 25+ years to marriage/children/post-divorce trauma. Alhamdulillah, I believe I’m at peace at last with my lot. I’ve come to terms with my situation and know that Allah wants the best for me like He does for everyone else. So the zest for life is like that of a young person who eagerly seeks their fortune with hope and zeal except I have much more life experience behind me.
I wouldn’t change what I have now for anything.
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