The Other Side of the River

There are some bridges in life that, once crossed, you would hope that there will never be a need to return to the same point of origin on the other side. For the longest time, almost 10 years in fact, I have been standing on the opposite bank of the river knowing I would never want to return to where I once was.

However, I realise that circumstances do – and will – change over time. What I thought was something guaranteed never to happen, happened. So, I found myself recently reaching out to my ex-husband to discuss a matter which involved our son. Nothing ominous but rather a conscious move where I realised that our collective input as parents would be useful on this occasion.

The decision to find a way back to the other river bank was mine alone. Not prompted by anyone else. Just some soul-searching which had me questioning if the move was justified, necessary or even useful. But I knew the decision was nothing about me or the previous ‘us’ but all about my son and his benefit. With that intention, I made the bold step in reaching out to a person I vowed I would never wish to contact again.

Having sent the email, and taking time to absorb the magnamity of what I had just done, I concluded that this was proof in itself that I have reached a point of no return. Contradictory statement perhaps. But, ironically, I had only metaphorically rowed back to the other bank which I had departed from years ago. Mentally, my feet are firmly planted in the spot where I am now, very much in the present. I had just fulfilled a sense of duty, nothing more, nothing less.

Hitting ‘send’ on that email was a watershed moment for me, finally affirming to myself that I am emotinally much much stronger and am not the vulnerable person I was all those years ago. I didn’t feel any tension or anxiety in the process. I wasn’t even concerned if that person would choose not to reply. It was just something I knew I had to do. I had managed to put rationale before buried frustrations from years before. I hadn’t actually realised how far I have come along until then. It was as if Allah had sent a revelation to me in His mysterious ways saying, “You have arrived!”. How liberating it feels to know I can communicate with this person now but not feel a surge of emotion, like I once did so many years ago.

I finally understand I have regained control of my life and am more mature and in control. I know there have been many incidents along the way which have attested to that, from the people I have made friends with to the friends who’ve decided to step away. All of them and more have shaped my resolve to carry on and preserve my own wellbeing. I truly understand why it is often said that a fearless woman is not someone to be taken lightly. Alhamdulillah, I feel I have stepped into that realm and am relishing it in its totality.

My boat will remain anchored on this side of the river for a long while yet.