mymotherhalf.com

My Mother’s Footsteps

Looking at my elderly, octagenarian mother whose health has seemingly taken a downward turn in recent months, I reflect on many things and many years gone by.

Firstly, I think of the sacrifices she made to come to this country as a fresh-faced, naive yet optimistic young married woman, looking to start out a life in an alien place and as the wife of someone else. In the years that followed, she bore five children alongside the pressures of being a first-generation immigrant. She simultaneously bore the pressures of married life within the home. Enough said there.

Then there was the period of her life after divorce, raising the five of us on her own with no plan, no income and no support. Although she wasn’t one to sit down with us and take the pulse on our emotional wellbeing, I have always been in awe of her audacity to step out of a marriage that was no longer serving her best interests nor the best interests of us, her children. That is a brave thing for any mother to do and not least for a mother of that generation where the taboos surrounding divorce were more egregious.

I never really appreciated that humungous leap of faith that my own mother took all those years ago…

***Pausing to Reflect on a Job Done So Far***

Now, as a woman who has also experienced divorce and spent the last few years raising my own boys, I realise how the sacrifices of a mother can never be repaid – even moreso, as an individual parent. There are times when I have just been too busy to even step back and reflect on what I have achieved on my own until someone else comes along and remarks on the progress my sons and I have made collectively (and individually). I compare that feeling to painting a huge wall. When standing at one corner with brush in hand and focussing on that area, we never think of the entire wall until we reach the end and step back and admire the final result. Standing up close, we become so engrossed in small details that we lost sight of the overall complete project. And so it is that the day to day running of my home are the details and bricks that make up a larger wall. I’d like to think the painting of that wall is more or less complete since I’m getting ready to hand over the task to my sons soon, insha’Allah.

Unlike my own mother, I have always been more determined not to define my life through negative or seemingly sad events. That’s where she and I split roads. I have the strength to stand back and look in on my own life from the outside as an observer. I have been blessed by Allah to not be consumed by anger, fear or sadness, Alhamdulillah. If anything, I’ve always realised that I have been blessed with a precious opportunity to be the master of my own journey. I have been around several very strong Muslim women in the last few years who have inadvertently served as great inspirations just by having the chance to observe their own journey along the path of solo motherhood. We are apparently a growing species.

Although my own mother still measures her life through marriage and divorce, I am grateful even for that. Odd as it may seem, through her own life, she has shown me the pitfalls to avoid. Her rejection of society and feeling abandoned by everyone is a myth she created for herself. Of course, there have been people who have judged and continue to do so. But they are the detritus of society who, together with their aspersions, can be cast aside. Surrounding oneself with those who lift and build us is the only way to remain hopeful and positive. And Alhamdulillah, there are some good examples of such people still to be found.

Whilst my own mother would never be able to fathom my own sense of contentment and (dare I say it?) happiness, I don’t try to make her understand it. I know she is genuinely concerned for me especially given she also knows the reality is that she does not have long left in this duniya (world). No mother wants to depart leaving behind ‘children’ who are not totally settled (according to her definition of the word). No prizes for guessing what that would look like in her eyes.

The truth is, I no longer aspire to be settled and lay foundations anywhere. For years now, I’ve been thinking of my exit and mentally preparing for it. My sons have often spoken of their plans to take care of me especially if I live to a much older age but if I feel I couldn’t reciprocate my own mother as her daughter, then I expect even less of my sons despite their very genuine concerns.

The best I could hope for is that they continue to be decent human beings and earn respect and give respect to those around them. That would be one of the best ways they could ever pay me back.

***Foundations Not of a Bricks and Mortar Kind***

Addendum to a Post-Divorce Life

Many years ago, a younger me would never let another person to have had the last say in a dispute, especially when I felt I was unjustly dealt with. I would have dug my heels in and made sure they retreated only after I had been given the chance to explain the details of my version of the truth.

Now, in my later life, I don’t have time to waste. I take comfort knowing that Allah is always aware of my intentions and so I can spare myself a lot of energy and effort in trying to make the other party understand. I now choose to focus on things that really matter. Through it all, I have become a stickler for clear communication especially when receiving or conveying instructions. This is simply to avoid misunderstandings later on. However, there are others who are either inattentive or selective in their interpretation of things no matter how hard I try to explain it to them. Whatever their reason or motive, only Allah knows. But the unfortunate consequence is that such situations sour human relationships.

These days though, I have learnt to choose what battles I want to fight. In the last seven years since divorce, I have learnt invaluable life lessons which have shaped who I am today. I never actually believed my mindset could be refashioned or reconfigured at this late stage of my life but, I guess, until one is jostled by a huge trauma such as I was, there’s no telling what there is yet to learn about the world and moreso, about oneself.

The best part of it all, however, is that I choose to walk away feeling unfettered and liberated. It’s like coming out of a chokehold to breathe normally again. My stance now is to keep moving forward. As much as these type of encounteres or interactions are unpleasant, oddly enough, I’m grateful for the lessons they teach me. Because what emanates from it all are valuable insights into how to pre-empt such situations again and be prepared. It also shows me what I need to hold onto and what I need to let go.

What I have also refined is the ability not to be perturbed for long. I can walk away from situations where misunderstandings have occurred because I know it is not my sole mission in this life to be understood by everyone. Others would argue the same for themselves. And quite justifiably too. But the difference I feel now is that I have the maturity to let things go. Agree to disagree. My silence is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that I am comfortable with not having to prove myself to anyone any more.

This is, by far, the greatest lesson that divorce taught me: not to fight for the attention of anyone. Except myself. I foolishly expected my husband would stand by my side till my last breath. How wrong could I have been? And if he let me down, then why should I be surprised if anyone else does the same? That’s why I no longer expect anyone to be by my side forever. That is extremely naive and presumptuous. We are all dispensable. Nobody will ever come undone without the presence of another person. We have been created more resilient than that if only we dare to believe it. I have no illusions that in life and in death, there will be many that may rue my absence but only for a short while. Life will continue. I wouldn’t expect it not to anyway.

We come to this world alone and return alone. Everything and everyone else is incidental.

Consistency is Key

If there is anything I’ve learnt in life, it’s that to do a job well or to master something, we must persist at it. To give up to early, is to never know our full potential.

With all things big or small in my latter life, I strive to give it my best shot. I also know when to say ‘no’ to others as a way of protecting myself especially emotionally and even physically. After all, we know that the two are inextricably linked.

But despite knowing about the need for consistency, as a way to make positive gains over time, I have not been totally true to this principle. I need to work on it more.

So here goes…

Insha’Allah, I will endeavour to being more consistent with my exercise, my time spent reading books, my recitation of Quran and of course, this blog itself.

Standing Up for Justice

Remaining silent in a time when injustice is endemic around us is not something I think any normal person would tolerate. Right now, in the world there is a lot of injustice prevalent on a global scale, societal scale and individual scale too. Usually, when someone has been directly impacted because of an unjust decision, it makes them extra sensitive to see this kind of behaviour being meted out to others too on any scale. A normal reaction would be to intervene and not allow history to repeat itself.

As I write, Palestine is once again at the forefront of most people’s minds as they switch on the news. It remains the forefront of their minds even when they switch off the news. I no longer need to be bombarded with images, which, despite the plethora of them out there, have not made me feel numb to human wickedness. But seeing the injustice directed to the Palestinians on such an unashamedly grand scale, is simply too painful to watch. On the other hand, it is also not acceptable to pretend it does not affect us. If anything, I don’t wish to see any more disturbing images of horrific crimes simply to give those people dignity even though they don’t know me at all.

As a mother, I cannot be neutral. For one, I share the pain of all the mothers out there who are suffering and struggling just to survivve and live a normal life. I can’t choose to live in ignorance or turn a blind eye. That is not my style. As an Ummah (the collective body of people that follow Islam), if one of us hurts, the rest of us hurt too. With this in mind, I have consciously raised my sons to feel that connection to their brothers and sisters worldwide. The need to be empathetic is even more desperate now in an age where people are so consumed by their individualistic lifestyles and detached happy oblivion. A lot of people could quite easily function from within their four walls, never needing to step out into the real world and make meaningful connections. Life can be controlled on a mobile phone. Or is it that a mobile phone can control life? Sometimes, I wonder who or what is really in control.

To have raised young men who are conscious or their brethren and will strive to come of out their comfort zone to elevate the condition of another human, is something I feel very strongly about. There is nothing worse than a selfish person who is only seeking to better themselves without regard of or respect towards anything or anyone else around them. Inaction is as damaging as direct offensive action and for this reason, apathy will not do. It isn’t always about putting money into a donation box either. Attending a protest, as we did yesterday, was about giving up something of value to us (our time) and making our presence known in the wider world. It’s about recognising the tools within each of us to express our voices and, at the same time, be a representative of the Islamic faith. It is also about being in a constant state of gratitude for what we have compared to those who do not have. This is how we can restore a sense of justice in the world. Connecting to others, even across the miles, and helping to raise their status, is something I believe is a duty as a human. Even the largest oak tree started off as a humble seed. There is no telling how impactful our input can be.

Two in One

Sometimes, we have those days where things just seem to be a series of strange coincidences or perhaps the working of fate.

This week, (on Thursday to be precise), I had two encounters in one day with people who reminded me of my past life. The first of the two was a brief conversation with my previous manager from work; someone I had not seen in over 25 years. I was well aware that I would see him and get a chance to talk as I was attending a conference where he was a key player in its organisation. It was just so strange to be standing in front of someone after so many years and thinking of all the things I have done in between! And here we were, almost full circle, brought together again because both of us, in our own very different professional journeys, have remained in the charity sector. It was a poignant moment for me as the last 25 years or so of my life flashed before me in my mind…

Then, there was the second encounter of a very different kind: it was not expected at all and with two women who I had never met before yet they transported me back to a period of my life which is now done and dusted. Having left the conference, I was making my way back home and boarded a train. Passing through the carriage, I noticed two women sitting and talking together quite animatedly. What struck me though was that they were in distinct traditional clothes which I recognised and speaking a version of Arabic I know too well. I sat a short distance from them. However, as fate would have it, the train was delayed and passengers were advised to disembark and board the opposite train on the next platform. This time, I sat next to them and a conversation started. As suspected, they were Mauritanian – a mother and daughter duo.

***Present Encounters – Past Memories***

Talking to them and exchanging basic information about each other’s background, I realised how this moment was totally surreal. Though these women I do not know, they represented a connection to my past – when I was married and part of that culture. I spoke to them about my links to Mauritania in the present tense as I will always have some ties to that land through my own children. However, for me personally, my association with anything Mauritanian is well in the past. As much as I have a fondness of some aspects of the land and its people, there is also a significant part of me which is glad to have severed my own direct links to them. I no longer have to deal with the in-laws and am not obliged to appease them any more.

As with all cultures and traditions, there are the less savoury aspects which we would reject in a heartbeat. Mauritanian society is no exception. Sitting opposite these two women abruptly reminded me of what I loved about that place and of what I absolutely despised. All those memories of my married life came flooding back to my mind. But I could say the same of my own cultural heritage. I know I have rejected aspects of it outright and held onto some of the features which fit well with my Muslim identity. I guess we all create our own nuanced version of ‘culture’ and make it fit our personal preferences and individual circumstances.

In summary, the day was a very poignant one because of these two very different meetings from two different chapters of my life. All a bit surreal to be honest. My past coming back to collide with my present when I thought I had sealed parts of it away and lifted the anchor and let the boat sail out to sea…

Apparently not.

Where Next?

I don’t own my own house. For that reason, I have no real incentive to invest too heavily in it. I am particular about keeping it presentable, clean and tidy but my interest in doing anything more than that is minimal. At this stage of my life too, I no longer derive any real pleasure in designing a room or thinking about the finishing touches to make it look nicer. I enjoyed all that when I had more energy and especially when my kids were younger and we had a normal family life back then.

Now that they are all grown and will soon be looking to embark on their own adventures, our home feels like it’s becoming more of a temporary stop-gap for them and even myself. Once my sons have found jobs and settled somewhere else, my own links to this current abode will become even more tenuous. I know that is the nature of this duniya (world) anyway – never to become too invested in anything or anyone.

As days go by, I fear less and less the idea of letting go. Life has taught me that lesson too well. Everything and everyone we have is on loan anyway. Even our kids. Given that impermanence, I feel I am ready to pack up and move on wherever life takes me.

Some people dismiss my ideas suggesting they are just fanciful ones. However, they forget I have actually lived away from the UK for many years and in quite challenging places. So, the idea of moving again, and this time on my terms, is not something so outlandish. I would relish the opportunity to try and live in a completely new place and preferrably, somewhere abroad where I can immerse myself in a new culture and environment. What’s the point of moving to a place where I would be just pressing, “Play, Repeat”?

In an ideal world, the place I envisage setting up home again would be where I could roll up my sleeves and help others less fortunate and make a living out of it too. That’s because I know I can’t live on air and nice pleasantries alone. I don’t wish to live in poverty as that would be a stupid thing to wish for myself. What I do covet is to be comfortable enough not to worry from year to year about sustaining myself financially. Whilst I have been spared that insecurity for the most part of my life, Alhamdulillah, I feel that being financially secure can’t be the only goal in life either. There’s a danger of becoming spiritually numb.

I try to the best of my abilities to make every task I do, whether at work or at home, tie back to the higher purpose that I have been designated with in this life which is to worship Allah. I must admit, there are times that link is difficult to keep at the core of my consciousness and I muddle along in life forgetting it is more than a continuum of perfunctory tasks to do. This isn’t the kind of life I wish to have descended to and I know my critics would tell me that the panacea to my problems isn’t necessarily to move away. Allah is to be found everywhere and anywhere. True. But I am feel I am ready for a new mission. Something which I can see become a reality.

A Double-Edged Sword

One thing I hope never to do is to dissuade my own sons from the idea of marriage. Regardless of my own not seeing it to the end of time, there’s no need to be completely cynical about this institution as a whole. (Maybe the word ‘institution’ needs to be revamped. It has such negative connotations as if a person enters marriage as a form of incarceration waiting to be corrected or educated; they need to be contained and moulded to fit a new life framework).

Of course, for every one in three marriages that ends in divorce, that means twice the number do not. And that is a statistic that needs to be highlighted still. Perhaps those success stories have more to do with tolerance, patience and a benign acceptance of fate rather than a yearly rekindled romance. But that’s the cynic in me talking. I know that, even if a tiny minority, the reality is that there do exist couples who have striven tirelessly to work together through the years and be successful as a unit and still keep going. No doubt, that’s the category I would like to see my own sons fall into one day inshaAllah.

Having seen the challenges I have faced as a woman on my own, I believe they are more acutely aware of how their female counterparts will be naturally adept at running a home and having the pulse on matters outside of it. In my own situation, juggling two jobs and managing the affairs of my household is something my sons have been witness to for some time now. I have been running to stand still for several years. This is something not lost on them and inshaAllah, they will enter their own marriages already appreciative of how talented a woman is or can be.

Whilst that is not diminishing the contribution that a man makes in his marriage, it is usually the case that women are instinctively more able at balancing so much. Throughout time, we have seen that they can perform the usual humdrum chores at home with an unparalleled efficiency. The next generation of young men have to be mindful of that; women are not the helpless, dependent creatures that many of their mothers or grandmothers were before them. There seems to be an audacity in the 21st century which allows women to have the courage to leave a marriage on their own terms if need be. They are more financially solvent so the fear of going solo isn’t as intense as it was for generations of women previously. I have spoken to my sons about all these potential scenarios. It is not to dampen their enthusiasm. I just never want them to think of marriage with a complacent or arrogant attitude.

It’s not that marriage is necessarily a difficult playing field. It is more that nothing can be taken for granted by either party. I do believe the next generation have fewer cultural hang-ups as their connection to their cultural roots is more tenuous anyway. Maybe that’s a liberating thing. Maybe it’s not. But the truth is that women won’t be easily silenced into submissiveness and simply endure a hapless marriage. Men might find they have to work much harder emotionally to gauge where their wives are at. Do I envy anyone in that boat? No.

The independent woman of today is able to stand on her own two feet. It means that a husband is not as indispensable as he might have been in years gone by. Of course, a successful marriage is not simply about healthy incomes and maintaining a minimum standard of living. The connection of two people emotionally and spiritually is what should bind them together through thick and thin. On this score, a husband might find himself having to work harder to keep the marriage alive and thriving since emotional intuition doesn’t come naturally to most men. To be fair, it’s a prerequisite that should exist on both sides.

For my own sons, I can only guide and offer my perspective as a woman. I hope they will take heed of my advice and tap into a resource which will give them the unfiltered truth and help prepare them for a successful marriage, inshaAllah.

Travel Light

***LIfe’s Journey Can’t Always be Traced in the Material World***

The only luggage we need to take with us as we exit this world is a stack of good deeds. Everything else is superfluous. That’s why I no longer aspire to update my material wealth. I no longer covet the next best version of my phone or car. I have reconciled myself to aspiring to things which are much more meaningful than mere possessions.

It is a trendy things these days to say that we are more covetous of experiences rather than objects. I have to admit I have succumbed to that ideology too. However, the experiences I wish to have, such as hiking, travelling or charitable work, are ones which must serve a higher purpose and not just my own immediate gratification. They must connect me to a superior purpose. Whilst there is nothing wrong in deriving some pleasure from these things, for me I seek more than sensual stimulation. I need these experiences to feed into my spiritual being and inshaAllah, spiritual improvement.

I have seen enough people depart this life and the catalogue of material possessions they have left behind, none of which can avail them. I therefore no longer do unbridled nostalgia over things left behind by others. It is simply because life has taught me well about the ephemeral nature of all things.

The best possessions we can carry with us to the other side are those which will weigh heavy in our favour and help us reach the ultimate destination wherein we can make the real wish list of things which we would love to have. This life is very much a solo expedition.

A Look Back at My Blog

***Looking Back Only to Look Ahead with Thanks***

This is going to be one of those ‘thinking out loud’ moments. Privately, I have often gone back and randomly selected one of my own blog posts from the past to assess how true I have been to myself and to see what progress, if any, I have made since then. Have my opinions shifted? Have I only paid lip service to my words? It’s good to pause every so often and take stock.

To be honest, I stand by everything I have written so far over the course of three years. That’s because although I write sometimes impromptu, I have been carrying the sentiments for a much longer time and so they have had the chance to settle and take root in my mind much earlier. They are not ‘off the cuff’ reactionary remarks but thoughts I have pondered over for ages.

It’s heartwarming to have received feedback from family, friends and complete strangers. To know that my words have resonated with someone, or helped them through a dark moment, is ultimately what the purpose of writing here has been in the first place. This was never meant to be a platform to rant relentlessly. That is not conducive to anything except regret later on. I believe in trying to be constructively reflective; it’s important to be calm and rational. It’s especially important to keep moving forward.

If life is a train and we are the passengers, we should know too well that, at certain stops along the way, others will board that train and then disembark. Some will sit right next to us and engage, some will sit in silence and yet others will simply ride the same carriage with no real interaction. But the journey is unique to us and ours alone. This train I am on is moving full steam ahead and in one direction only. So, my stance is to sit back and enjoy the view.

The initial shock of divorce seven years ago has long since given way to a deep-seated contentment with my life now. It was the harbinger for so many positive changes in my life since then, Alhamdulillah. The most noticeable theme that permeates now is that I have regained control of things which are about me. I doubt I could ever relinquish that again. It’s not that I was oppressed in marriage but it is true that most women surrender so many of their own choices and preferences, from the food they cook to the people they mix with, to accommodate their spouse’s. And even after all that sacrifice, ultimately it sometimes is still not enough and the marriage comes unravelling.

I am done with all that. No more shifting goalposts to keep up with and no more reading between the lines. I only have to think for one. Myself. It has been great for my mental and physical wellbeing and my spiritual state has actually been positively challenged too. So, whilst on the outside it would appear that I have lost, the actual truth is that I have gained a cumulative total of things which are worth far, far more than the embodiment of that single person who walked out. Alhamdulillah. I would do it all again as well if I had to because I know that nobody ever dies of divorce. If anything, it is just the beginning of living.

Targets vs Time

Sometimes, as an individual, we are a bag of inner contradictions. I am no exception. I’ve been talking lately about the things I want to achieve – both short-term and long-term – and then I question myself about what steps I’ve made to achieve them. Then again, I think, “Actually, I have made a promising start! I mustn’t be too hard on myself.” I know I have made some inroads into things I want to do before my time is up.

***Searching for the Thrill of the Unknown***

Perhaps the real issue is that feeling of restlessness or monotony. I feel I want to start a new project or enter the unknown. The predictable pattern of life is becoming rather stale and unappetizing. The familiar offers no new challenges or excitement. Waiting with baited breath for that new adventure around the corner is what I’m looking for now. Of course, I know that the familiar is a safe place and safe space to navigate my way through. But precisely because I know that each passing day is tantamount to even more limited time on Earth, I want to make the most of it and explore new possibilities. I even worry about my mental faculties. Who knows how long it will be before aspects of my health begin to fail? Do I want to live with major regrets?

I guess I am too hard on myself. If I list all the things I’ve achieved especially since I restarted my life on my own with my sons, Alhamdulillah I haven’t done too badly. Beyond the humdrum responsibilities which I’ve taken care of, I have had chances to take my foot off the pedal and relax and still enjoy life. There have been many joyous occasions I can recall – and I plan to continue creating them, inshaAllah. It’s not just about holidays and material desires but also the less obvious and less tangible things like the freedom to appreciate the great outdoors and to see the sky, breathe in fresh air and walk under a canopy of trees. All the things we take for granted and which for some people around the world are complete luxuries…

So, I count those everyday blissful sensory experiences which would never make it on most people’s bucket list either because they are woefully oblivious of the generosity Allah has bestowed on them or because (not through any fault of their own) they are limited by some sort of physical confinement which prevents them from being immersed in that experience.

Thus, I hope my targets which I have set for myself in this material world all are rooted in a deep appreciation for the gift of life itself. Whether I acknowledge those things from the comfort of my own home or by searching for it far and wide, I hope everything I achieve or experience is always consciously linked back to my Creator.

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