Recently, I have been under the weather and have been blighted with a lingering chesty cough since mid-January. I even needed to take a few days off work which is something I don’t usually do. So, this bout of sickness has really taken the wind out of my sails.
Although I was not confined to my bed for the duration of my sick leave from work, I did become somewhat restless indoors after a few days. Being too discombobulated to focus on anything like reading or cooking, I also soon got bored of doing nothing much. I did make good progress with some Spanish language skills but there’s only so much a person can do of one single thing in a single day!
More than Pushing Pen and Paper
Despite still not being fully recovered, I returned to work this week and managed to survive. It was actually a welcome distraction from home and the monotony. Whilst I did enjoy the peace at home, there is a part of me that doesn’t like a solitary existence for more than a few hours. I need human interaction and to feel a part of the larger world. Going back to work helped me feel useful and normal again. (I wonder how I managed to work from home, years ago, in a setup which was not far removed from solitary confinement!)
The truth is, I find people interesting and I enjoy (most) social interactions. I love to meet people from all walks of life with their myriad of experiences, some of which I can relate to and some of which I have absolutely no knowledge of. But together, it all fascinates me. I also like to challenge stereotypes others might have of me upon meeting me for the first time. I have lived long enough to know there are many people with their many stereotypes. For example, on the first cursory meeting, some think I don’t speak English, I have not experienced higher education and the list of negative imagery goes on… I enjoy being a public representation of Islam and to show others that they probably were far off the mark when making their secret and silent prejudgements of me.
So, whilst I recover from this cough, I cherish the time I have now to also recuperate from the breakneck speed I find myself moving in just to keep my home ticking over. The cough has, strangely enough, allowed me time to pause and appreciate things in slo-mo.
In the quest to keep moving forward and try to squeeze what I can out of life, I have very recently taken on a new challenge. The title of this blog post might provide a huge hint!
My new adventure – learning Spanish.
I never got the opportunity to study a foreign language at school as, together with my family, we had moved abroad and so I missed some of my education in the UK. However, I don’t lament that loss because in moving to Bangladesh as a child, I actually became more proficient in Bengali, the first language of my parents. My mother had already taught us the basics of the language in terms of reading and writing, so that by the time we had moved to Dhaka, I felt learning the language there was a natural continuum. So, to say that I didn’t learn a second language at all is actually specious. I did and I am grateful that I can still communicate in all its forms today.
Now that I have a bit more leisure time on my hands, I feel it is convenient to learn new skills; to make up for some things I didn’t get the chance to do when younger. I don’t believe in fads and would not delve into something if I was not serious. So, I hope my enthusiasm will not fade over time. Learning Spanish is not because of my infatuation with Spain after my Malaga holiday. It is more about asking myself, “Why would I not consider myself to have the capability of learning a completely new skill at this late stage of my life?” I have lived enough of a life believing in “I can’t” rather than acknowledging deep down it was more of a case of “I can if I care enough to try.” Therefore, I am going to try my best to dismantle all the self-destroying barriers I have put before me for too long.
A New Friendship
When it comes to learning a new language, I actually believe that being fluent in a second or even third language places someone at an advantage. In my own experience, I notice how I am more adept to making and listening to sounds in other languages that require different pronunciations, tonalities and inflexions than they do in English. Therefore, I listen carefully to the Spanish accent of words and am conscious to avoid an unyielding British English accent which would ruin my mission.I would love to know that in due course, I could land in Spain and confidently hold conversations there which would not need me to resort to Google Translate or a local who is fluent in English. I know a native Spaniard would most likely be humoured by my attempts to speak Spanish but that does not deter me to persevere. I have gone beyond feeling inhibited by other people’s opinions.
So, why have I chosen a language to learn of all things? It stems from a desire to do something different out of my comfort zone and the promise to myself to realise new potential. I may never need to use Spanish more than just going on holiday there. However, I have a passion for life that I haven’t had before. My subconscious mind will always remind me of the finite time ahead. That is definitely a huge impetus. Maybe this new project is also an opportunity to prove to myself that “I can.” It is also a long-term project – not some frivolous hobby born out of boredom.
Although I have mentioned this so many times before, it’s worth saying it again: a post-divorce life has granted me a liberation but not of a decadent kind. I am not searching for meaningless or trivial pursuits which do nothing to enrich me. My new life has offered me unimaginable hope and energy to go and seek new goals and know that if Allah wishes for these dreams to be realised, then there is simply nobody who can hold me back. The only time I wish to make reference to a life that is measured from the moment of my divorce is to acknowledge how infinitely grateful I am for my new circumstances. Alhamdulillah.
Life can occassionally place you in a position where you may be tempted to return to a previous situation be it a job, relationship or something else. Just last week in my blog, I mentioned about the decision to quit my role as Trustee with a small charity I’d been working for. By pure coincidence, the other day I got word that my departure was something lamented by its director and there may be a possibility I would be invited back.
I am determined not to acquiesce.
Some observors may think this is an unfortunate arrogance on my part. However, I have learnt a valuable lesson from life. Keep moving forward. There is no point trying to dredge something which has long since sunk like a lead balloon, to the surface of the water. Let sleeping dogs lie. This is one of those classic situations where you know you try to convince someone else of a terrible decision but they insist on pursuing a blind, irrational goal anyway. So you back out and wait to see the proverbial hit the fan. And it does. Then, the other party realises too late. It is not my job to clean up the mess in the aftermath. I am not sitting here feeling smug or amused; just disappointed.
Always on Cue
However, I also feel vindicated. I simply had to wait patiently and let time reveal the truth. And it has. I know I could not return to the previous setup because my trust has already been broken. I am not in the business of asking others to beg me to reconsider something even if they acknowledge they were in the wrong. I’d rather they take heed and know that in future they should move carefully before making rash decisions.
This kind of scenario echoes what so many women experience when being abruptly told by their husbands that divorce is the only way forward. I know the situation above reminded me of the terrible time I had trying to figure out why divorce was a word uttered to me. I tried to ask for reconciliation although it was never made totally apparent what my failings had actually been. As the fog began to clear, both in my reality and my mind, I resolved that I’d never be given a sensible or complete answer for the decision to divorce. But that experience also taught me to never beg and plead for a second change. I would never seek validation from anyone again.
I believe I have stuck to my guns. I no longer seek approval of people. They can choose to accept me or reject me. It’s fine. It’s liberating. It’s an unfettered life.
Alhamduilillah, I don’t think a day goes by without me expressing my gratitude for the life I have now. I am my own person and I get to call the shots. Even when I think of the potentially wonderful things that come with being married, none of them are enough to entice me to seek another chance at that life again. The freedom I have gained far outweighs anything else.
Not sure what has come over me but I have been feeling a little restless lately. I need a new project to get involved in – something that will give me a higher purpose other than just going to work and coming home.
A few months ago, my tenure as a Trustee for the charity I was involved in, came to an abrupt end. It was my decision to leave. I could no longer work with a team where real leadership was lacking and where others, who had only arrived on the team, where already pitching their tents and demarcating their sacred territory without room for discussion. Not conducive to good team work. Rather than descend into chaos and divert energies away from the very job the charity was set up to do, I resolved it was better to let others take the reins and run. I am not power hungry. I also have no patience to deal with inflated male egos. I’ve seen my share of how much ruin that scenario can bring…
Looking Out Towards a New Future
But where one door closes, another opens and being the philosophical person that I am, I interpret this occurence as Allah guiding me onto something else. No regrets. Move on. I am now standing on the ridge of a hill and looking out at the vista. Whilst taking it all in and marvelling at life, my roving eye is wondering where to fix my stance on next. What will my next mission be in life?
The one thing I do know is that it has to be something out of my comfort zone and in the service of others. This isn’t the same as being used or taken for granted. I intend to protect my own interests (which is why I resigned from the previous charity last year). In an ideal situation, I would love to find paid employment that is in the field of the charitable sector. That would provide the best of both worlds.
I am in a race against time now. However short or long my life is from here, it’s clear that not much time is left. And some people may argue that I am not doing enough to bring about the changes I so desire. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I also know, that as a Muslim, it’s not always about reaching the destination but the journey itself. Making the intention is what counts. That’s the first hurdle I have crossed already, inshaAllah. The next is to try and see that intention materialise into something tangible and real.
Over the last few years, there has been a lot of activity in our household in terms of who has been moving in and out. My sons are now all young adults and university has been the preoccupation for them in recent years. I’ve got four sons who are all at different phases of the university experience. Two have exited, one is almost done and my youngest has just started. It was always inevitable that, as their mother, I’d be helping them settle in their new lives and accommodation and then resettle them back home.
Now, we are in a situation where the older two have returned and the young two are away.
The Beginning of Adulthood
Yesterday, I went to see my youngest son in his new place and who now has an easier commute to university. I am happy for him because it’s something he always wanted to experience – an independent lifestyle – the opportunity to prove to himself that he can take care of all aspects of his life. Time will tell. Maybe because I’m now accustomed to this tradition in our household, I didn’t feel overwhelmed when he left a couple of days ago. I’ve been through the process already – of seeing off my older sons so that. by now, I don’t feel perturbed any more. Of course, as a mother, I will always be concerned about all aspects of their safety but keeping them within my reach is no guarantee of anything. I have to let go.
In many ways, as strange as this may seem, I’m at a stage of my own life where my sons have to let go of me. What do I mean by that? Basically, they now know that my priorities are not always necessarily them. I have gradually learnt to put myself first even if it means they have had to do without my input in something. If they want to claim their stake to adulthood, then it can’t be a selective decision. They will need to learn to not being propped up by mother all the time. So, leaving home is simply a way of fast-tracking that process.
I have watched my sons grow up in recent years, evolving from boys to men. It has been exhausting but rewarding. I need to retire from several of my motherly duties. Now they can at least take care of practical chores which directly concern themselves. Although I have had to do tough love sometimes, I always believed it would pay off. It would have done no favours to anyone to have mollycoddled them and nurtured laziness and selfishness. I like to think I have done some things right. They are far from perfect but then so am I. We are all works in progress.
Right now, I have surrendered my sons to Allah’s plan in terms of what He wants for them in every sphere of their lives. To a large extent, I have no control any more. It’s as almost I have watched these saplings grow into strong steady trees who now tower over me. I don’t mind for that. It’s sometimes comforting to feel like the one being protected rather than being the protector. Role reversal. I need the break. I am tired.
Alhamdulillah, to have gotten this far in their lives and my own. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
If there’s anything which I find unattractive in a person, is when they make a promise which they have no real intention of honouring or have not thought through carefully before opening their mouth. One of my mottos in life is to never make a promise I know is very unlikely to be fulfilled.
I prefer to make secret promises to myself more. That way, I have to hold myself accountable and only to me. In recent years, I have told myself to try and reach for goals which may be slightly beyond my reach right now but which I have a realistic chance of making a success of in future.
Adventures of a Culinary Kind
With that in mind, I resolved that this year would start off with a short holiday with my sons. It’s something we haven’t done together – all of us – since our return from Saudi Arabia in 2016. Alhamdulillah, I fulfilled that wish and have just returned from a break in Malaga, Spain. What we achieved in three days was phenomenal! I feel I was away from home for three weeks! The places we saw, flavours we tasted, experiences we internalised… these are memories which are quite literally priceless!
During that trip, I reflected on the magnamity of Allah Himself. Not only did He make it possible for my dream to come true but within that, I had always had a desire to visit a particular place in Spain with my sons: Caminito del rey. I’d first heard of this place when I was teaching English in Saudi Arabia and it formed a reading comprehension exercise for my students. I was fascinated with it ever since and vowed that one day I would like to see it myself. SubhanAllah, what I didn’t know was that Allah had listened to my prayers all those years ago and helped me realise my dream! And then actually being there (just yesterday in fact), I marvelled at what Allah has created in the natural world. How can anyone deny He exists? All around is the proof of His mastery.
Coming back to my present life, I am determined to create happy montages in the visual recollections of what remains of it. Whilst my health is relatively good, I vow to use it to the best of my ability, insha’Allah. I am so acutely aware that I am not immortal and that I am sliding down a diminishing curve where so many variables in my life have past their peak already. So, if I don’t grab opportunities, or rather, don’t create them, then it will be a pitiable existence. I don’t want the latter part of my life to end miserably with a list of regrets because of bad decisions – or indecisions – I made now.
I understand that the determination to utilise time wisely is not synonymous with going on holidays as and when I want to. I couldn’t afford that lifestyle anyway. However, creating joyous occasions and setting out on new experiences with my sons, whilst they are still geographically close, is something important to me. Perhaps there’s a part of me that wants to compensate for the times when we should have had holidays that were more attuned with our desires and mindsets rather than simply appeasing the patriarchal figure. I know for sure that our Malaga holiday surpassed anything else we have ever done together. That’s because my sons are all adults now, we all understand one another and can accommodate one another’s idiosyncracies or passions.
Insha’Allah, as far as holidays go, I hope there will be more opportunities to escape reality like this. Malaga proved to me, in no uncertain terms, that I am living my best life yet. I am not deprived of happiness and adventure because of my divorce. Rather, I have ascended to a new level of each of those things because of it, Alhamdulillah.
It is a fact that with age comes all the physical and visible signs of maturity. There’s no escaping them even with the subscriptions to the best vitamin supplements and the best names in make-up. It’s a process which is master over us and is a losing battle.
That being said, it’s not all doom and gloom. Ageing can be done gracefully and gratefully – something which I hope to grow more conscious of over time. Whilst on the exterior, there is no denying that I am no longer in my 20s or even 30s, I try not to let the emerging wrinkles, which will claim their permanent position on my face, take over my life. I want to embrace older age. I want to have that zest for life still. I want to celebrate my longevity.
The problem which I believe many of us women, in particular, have with ageing is that we are sold the lie that to be accepted or worthwhile, we must ‘look good’. There is too much focus on the outside, especially the face and, of course, the body. After all, this is the first point of reference for others. Society makes us feel less worthy if we do not constantly look for ways to reinvent ourselves to remain interesting. After all, this is arguably one of the reasons why so many men replace the older woman/wife in exchange for a fresher model.
Having had this silent rhetoric rammed down our throats our whole lives, there’s no surprise that the beauty industry has harnessed this vulnerability and caters so rigorously to essentially counter the betrayal felt by older women from society. Although I do like to dabble in make-up to help me look my best, I do this not because I have nothing else to be judged by. I would always want encounters with others to shift from their cursory focus on the outside to what lies underneath. I will not be duped by the covert marketing tactics of an insidious beauty industry that makes women constantly feel inadequate. There’s a hidden message in there somewhere which says, ‘your self-worth can only be measured by your outward appearance; that is the first thing to fix before we can look elsewhere.’
Although there is nothing inherently wrong in wanting to look nice superficially, it seems we live in a world where there is an obsessive and unhealthy desire to impress on that front. Just looking at the array of beauty products available now is testimony to that. I don’t recall growing up with so many different products for the face, most of which I wouldn’t even want to try! The attention has moved away from what’s on the inside and that’s a sad reflection of the state of society right now.
Why Destroy a Precious Gift?
This is where I seek to make a conscious effort to demand to be acknowledged for the qualities within. The looks will fade and indeed they have already started to. Not that I have ever considered myself anything special (far from it). But I do know I have always wanted to stimulate my mind and likewise, I find an intellectual and adventurous mind alluring. Meeting people with whom I can hold interesting conversations gives me an energy which is incomparable to just looking at a pretty face. I love to engage with people who are pursuing new goals for themselves, who have a zest for life no matter what obstacles are in their way. That zest is accompanied with a deep gratitude for every minute they have been blessed with. They wouldn’t know what ‘killing time’ means for that pastime in and of itself, is a tragic state to be in. How bored or unambitious must a person be to simply want to ‘kill time’ as if it is something they have been given too much of and need to curtail? It’s a very odd expression.
The absolute antidote to ageing, in my opinion, is to seek new goals which stretch my abilities and to busy myself in them. It gives my life a sense of purpose. Inherent within that, is a sense of gratitude – gratitude for having the drive to want to forge ahead and seek new challenges and acccomplish more than I have already. In doing all this, I have found that this is driven by a need to nurture the soul and so the cycle continues. It’s a win-win situation. When the passion for life is driven by the need to work hard and to accumulate points in the balance of my good deeds, this will inevitably become incongruent with pursuing a shallow and baseless existence.
This disposition feeds into a happy state of mind and that happiness exudes in the way I interact with society. I can testify to that. In a recent blog, I mentioned that I will no longer be a slave to money worries -and I intend to keep my promise, inshaAllah. I want to see the duniya (world) for what it is – a mere stepping stone on the journey to the other side. Whilst I don’t reject partaking in some of the indulgences which I am permitted as a Muslim, I also want to continue trying my best to stay focussed on the real reason why I am even here in the first place.
In essence, I feel I have reached the pinnacle of my existence in terms of my health, happiness and state of my heart, Alhamdulillah. As I grow older and however long I have left, it is inevitable that I might succumb to more serious health concerns alongside other worries. My heart might waver as I struggle with my tests. That’s part and parcel of life. But right now, I don’t think life has ever been this good. That’s because I have a sense of peace within. I have accepted my lot, not in a way that I have begrudgingly given up but rather, knowing that Allah is – and always has been – in control and that He knows what is best for me.
In trying to capture how I view life right now and my place in it, it occurred to me that the celebrated water-lily serves as a very good comparison.
Just Googling the meaning of ‘water-lily’ and I immediately can see the analogy to my life. It is a flower that rises out of the muddy waters (my past life) and gently floats on the water’s surface (taking my present existence in my stride). It has round leaves (yes, round is a fair description) and striking flowers (I sometimes succumb to vanity too – lol!).
Refusing to be Blighted
Water lilies are important to their ecosystems (my family, namely my sons) and help to cover the water’s surface, keeping the water cooler (maintaining a home that is functioning well). They also contain the spread of algae. (Here, I compare this to my protective role as mother, keeping a vigilant eye out for anyone or anything that may attack my sons’ especially in their spiritual and emotional wellbeing.)
“They symbolize beauty, purity, and innocence, as they can rise above the murky waters without blemish. Water lilies represent the transcendence of the material world and purity in spite of the flower’s darker surroundings.” Need I say more?
Interesting analogy I think. I know many other women reading this, would be able to identify with the water-lily in the same way.
I pray that they all continue to blossom and know that they occupy a central place in that pond or lake and stake their claim to glory.
Unique
Note: Phrases and descriptions were borrowed from the link below:
Some would argue that a predictable life is something to covet as it offers security in that plans can be made well ahead of time. Every stage of life is clearly and neatly mapped out. Part of that predictability is the foresight to include contigency plans for times when things may not go exactly the way we originally intended. Others would claim that this kind of life exudes a boring monotony and is too staid. There are no unforeseen challenges in which an individual can truly realise their untapped and hidden potential.
I fall into the latter group.
Finding an Alternative Route to One’s Destination
True, sudden diversions and roadblocks on the journey through life aren’t to be glamorised. They are more often than not, a great nuisance. However, that’s the initial gut reaction we have whilst going through the stress that such situations create. But once we plough through and come out the other end, we can sometimes look back, reflect and be grateful for the reinvented version of ourselves. For it is these very situations that make us mature, be appreciative and embolden us to face the next unprecedented circumstance with a confidence which was lacking before.
To take an example… A change in financial circumstances where we worry about how the next month’s bills will be paid, is one which many people are familiar with. I am no stranger to that scenario. For the last few years especially, where I have not had a husband to rely on for financial advice or decisions, I have had to learn to be confident in making independently bold choices about running a home myself. That burden has been on my shoulders alone (and still is). However, lately I have convinced myself (quite rightly) that I will no longer be mentally enslaved by money worries. After all, it is ruinous to my mental health and does no favours to my physical wellbeing too. What’s more, given I have managed to support myself and my sons thus far and we are still with a roof over our heads, I think that’s testimony enough that I have been successful in juggling my finances alone, Alhamdulillah. The experience has taught me more about myself – that I can do certain things if I trust my own abilities.
Having been abruptly placed in this new situation since 2016, I have had to learn how to stay afloat or risk sinking altogether. It unleashed within me a zeal to fight and regain control of my life. In the process, the self-discoveries showed me that nobody was worthy of being in possession of my happiness and that what I had gained was far more than what I had lost. I surprised myself and continue to do so. I value my independence too much now.
Even if I had the chance for an eternally predictable life, I would never have chosen to have become a Stepford wife. I don’t envy women who have lives of leisure, squandering both time and money. That existence is worthless. I guess such women would look at me in disdain and pity as I don’t have the ease they may enjoy. What I do have though, is self-respect and a dignity that refuses to accept that my lifestyle is totally dependent on the whims and demands of another human being… because sometimes that’s what a marriage becomes for many women: quietly disgruntled at the disproportionate service of a self-acclaimed superior other person.
I don’t hanker for unnecessary indulgence in material possessions, just enough to allow me some pleasures and ease in life. What is most satisfying is knowing that the comfort Allah has afforded me has been as a result of His generosity only. Part of that is that I have been able to earn the money that has paid for those things and am not indebted to any other human.
Whilst I don’t denounce marriage, I do understand that it isn’t the end game of life either. I threw that fairy tale in the bin not long after my own divorce. Looking back, I have discovered that my initial raw bitterness slowly gave way to acceptance and more recently, an inner celebration. That is no exaggeration. The last few years are analogous to the emergence of a beautiful butterfly from an unsightly caterpillar. I have evolved and come to love the life I have now, Alhamdulillah. As I always say, I am eternally grateful for being able to take care of myself financially and everything else. I’m now at a stage of life where I I can finally be unapologetically selfish and focus on me first. It’s not that I have rescinded the responsibilities that come with motherhood; they will never disappear. But my sons are now independent adults and so the degree to which I have to be involved with their lives has shifted dramatically.
Meanwhile, there is no search for a replacement husband as life would devolve into an uninspiring routine once again. I would rather maintain the status quo I have now and face uneventful days on my own in peace. In between, I can enjoy the company of a select few friends and family whenever I need stimulating company. Once my batteries have been recharged, I can unplug myself from everyone and continue as before till the next time. Marriage doesn’t offer that reprieve and I have no patience for that now.
The only consistency in life I crave now is adventure itself.
mymotherhalf.com 