mymotherhalf.com

Learning from Others’ Mistakes

***Be W***illing to Try An Alternative Answer

When going through life, we inevitably come across encounters with others which cause us to reflect on our own lives. I’m no exception to that.

Recently, I was engaged in a conversation with someone who was expressing their viewpoint about a sticky family situation. Whilst listening, I was coming in and out of focus and my mind was pondering over the comments being made; I was thinking of the many moments I wanted to (but didn’t) interject and ask questions which would encourage some introspection from the other side. It’s not that I completely disagreed with what was being said by that person but there were also many things I wanted to comment on if only to make them stand outside of their own self and look in and see where they might have been going wrong too.

Often, we can’t see the wood for the trees. I concluded it was futile to try to intervene and ameliorate the situation and try to find a resolution between the two parties involved, both of whom I know well. It was like trying to grasp water in my hands.

In the end, I resolved to let the matter lie. Clearly, with pride, stubborness and ego playing their ugly roles in the matter, nothing seems likely to move forward. People will not be able to overcome problems with those monoliths blocking the path. Such a tragic loss of energy and time. It’s the stuff that leads to major wars on the world stage and family fueds on a more personal level.

From this conversation today though, I reflected how things in my own family would be if nobody decided they might be in the wrong and were unwilling to back down. I’d like to think none of us are that far gone with haughtiness. Alhamdulillah, I’d like to think that at least a reasonable discussion could be had even if it were to amicably conclude with an agreement to disagree.

My advice to any parent reading this is to be receptive to listening to your children when they need counselling or advice. They may bring news you may not wish to hear but giving them your undivided attention and trust that their views will not be rubbished or dismissed as irrelevant, is so crucial to winning their respect and a reciprocal trust. If they are unable to do that with their parents, they will definitely seek substitutes to confide in outside of the family home which may be far less desirable. Better they speak to their parents openly without fear of repercusssions rather than withhold information and seek solace in the wrong places elsewhere. But this setup takes years of nurturing and can’t be forged overnight.

I’ve seen the mistakes others have made and have tried my best to consciously avoid those same pitfalls. Since raising my sons alone, I’ve had to find my own formula for parenting and insha’Allah it’s been working well so far. I think the core ingredients are love, trust, compassion and humility. The ability to hold your hands up and admit when you’ve done wrong is also important. Not just for the children but parents too. Ultimately, everyone is culpable for making a relationship work.

May Allah protect us all and find solutions to the problems we encounter.

How to Stay Relevant

As I move through life and come to the realisation that I am at the latter end of it, I often have to step back and ask myself, “What gives me purpose now? What goals do I have, if any?” These are questions that bounce around in my mind often.

I’ve often commented that I don’t have any crazy career aspirations. If anything, I’m happy to keep the status quo as is and just let things keep ticking over quietly. In some respects, I’ve settled for ‘comfortable’ over ‘challenging’ and make no apologies for that given that I simply want to keep a roof over my head and manage day-to-day life. My current job was always meant to be a means to an end and it has been serving that purpose well. Of course, I enjoy it, Alhamdulillah, so there is no need to rock that boat.

Alongside work though, I have always sought opportunities to pursue my lifelong passion to serve others through formal charitable activities, Again, Alhamdulillah, there have been opportunities to do that over the years and especially in going out in the field to see that charity in action. This is where I see my contribution to society as most impactful. Not that I’m indispensible – no. However, it’s an area where I find myself come to life and awakens in me an alacrity when I get involved.

As one becomes older, the focus moves from ourselves to the upcoming generation behind us – as it should. Inevitably, what happens is parents find themselves standing in the wings of life’s stage gently ushering their children into the spotlight. In my own case, whilst I wouldn’t it any other way, I’m aware that I find I mustn’t forget myself in the process. My life and personal goals still remain important.

Although I have always coaxed and encouraged my sons to find their purpose and goals for themselves, I have also become very conscious not to surrender my own dreams for myself along the way. I have had the foresight to know this can lead to a dangerous – if not depressing – situation where I might wake up one day and not know the purpose of my existence without seeing it through the lens of another human being. I’m a huge advocate of having a sphere of my life which I call my own – where nobody dictates my movements, where I am solely responsible for the consequences of my actions and where the achievements acquired are mine alone to celebrate too. This is how I intend to move through life where a part of me isn’t attached to any familial role such as mother or sister or aunt.

Oddly enough too, charity work is the one area where I have pushed the boat out and forced myself to emerge from my comfort zone. That’s because, unlike the paid work, which I see more as a means to an end, my charitable involvements in life give me a true sense of fulfilment and purpose. Serving humanity is what keeps my consciene alive and gives me a true sense of accountability in my actions. This is what ‘being relevant’ means for me. It’s not about seeking the praise of others and wanting public recognition. It’s about knowing that my actions have consequences which are far-reaching even beyond the realms of this temporal world.

EU Roadtrip

After several months in the planning, Alhamdulillah, (praise be to Allah), my family and I, and a few others, finally brought an idea into fruition and achieved what I originally thought was a rather fanciful idea – a road trip across Europe. But Allah had other plans and had destined that this expedition was always going to happen.

Our troupe of ten, covered an approximate 3,000 miles in nine days, stopping every night in a new place and taking in everything along the way. Although I have done one other road trip in my life, (15 days from the UK to Mauritania in 2004 with a young family of three children), I knew this recent one was going to be equally epic. The motley crew that we were, travelling in three cars with walkie-talkies throughout, made the trip a huge success so much so that we all vowed we would travel again together if another opportunity arose.

I admit that I was quite hesitant at the beginning when I saw the itinerary and thought we were being too ambitious with our goals. However, even accounting for people with different interests, getting slightly lost, or one of the cars needing new tyres half-way into the trip, it was a resounding success Alhamdulillah. A truly unforgettable journey.

Nine days on the road through Europe and nine countries explored on the way: France-Monaco-Italy-Switzerland-Lichtenstein-Austria-Germany-Holland and Belgium. Although it was always going to be a whistlestop tour in each place, the beauty in the sights we feasted our eyes on couldn’t be encompassed with words or even photos. From breathtaking and awe-inspiring Alpine mountains to intricate artistry on citadels in major cities, it was the stuff to capture the undivided attention of any observor. I often felt my mind was overflowing with awe that I could simply not absorb any more!

Undoubtedly, the personal highlight of the trip was the chance to step into both Switzerland and Austria. From years ago, it was always my dream that, one day, I would visit both places with my sons and their father knowing it would the first time for all of us. We would marvel at the natural surroundings and enjoy the sights and mark it as a first-time experience we would have achieved together. Although I didn’t make it there with their father, it didn’t matter. I was just too busy revelling in ineffable glee to have noticed his absence. The knowledge that I was actually standing on Swiss (and then Austrian) soil, with my sons by my side, was more than enough to be thankful for. It was a truly humbling experience too seeing how insignificant humans are against the beautiful backdrop of the Alps. Allahs’ artistry is a truly wonderful thing, subhanAllah (Glory be to Him)!

For over twenty years at least, I had dreamt of seeing the Alps for myself from a viewpoint in Switzerland and/or Austria and even though it was not a full day in either place, it was enough to satiate that particular desire to the brim. I had never imagined that I would ever see these places with my own eyes and in the company of those closest to me. However, Allah had answered my prayers, Alhamdulillah and I was well aware of that even whilst there. It reminded me of all the other things in life I have asked Allah for and He has responded – all in His own time and own wisdom. He is truly Al-Hakim (The Wise One).

There were so many other encounters and experiences on this trip which humbled me even more and reaffirmed my faith in Allah. Standing in Amsterdan last week, a city which I had visited over 35 years previously with my sisters and friends, when none of us had been aware of what lay ahead of us in our individual lives, when none of us were married or when none of us were mothers, it was quite surreal to be stood there again post-marriage but with my sons by my side. A poignant yet happy thought.

I understand that Allah sometimes takes us on convoluted journeys through life only to allow us to end up where we originally asked – or were meant – to be. I never envisaged I’d be experiencing Europe like this and despite my hesitancy because of my age and finances, it all came together seamlessly in the end. I also am more acutely aware than ever before that I need to grasp opportunities to do things in life which I may not be able to do later on for a myriad of reasons.

And as addendum to the road trip, I reflect on my life and realise I am exactly where I need to be in terms of being happily single again and being the master of my own time and decisions. Over the years, opportunities in different spheres of my life have materialised which I would never have dreamt possible. So, although one door closed 2016, so many more have unexpectedly opened in its place. I would not want it any other way now.

Malaga Memories in London

***Bridging Two Cultures: When Malaga Met London***

I don’t normally post anything except on Sundays but the past few weeks have been unusually busy and the things I want to share today are already overdue. Therefore, I didn’t want to wait yet another week to write something.

Last week, my sons and I welcomed our friend Dani, together with his parents, to London. Dani is a Spanish friend of my oldest son who he met at university but has been in all our lives for the last six years. In 2024, we had the wonderful opportunity of spending time with him when we took a short – yet unforgettable – trip to his hometown of Malaga, Spain. Through knowing him and being in Spain, there were many things I observed about Spanish culture in that weekend some of which have remained with me till now. (All positive things and nothing to freak out about!)

One overall conclusion that came to my mind back then is that the Spanish seem to have more time for family social interactions and this is something that crosses different generations. Perhaps this is more of an Andalucian culture? But I recall noticing that over the weekend, there were families out and about with elderly grandparents and young children all milling around and enjoying the company of one another. This is something sorely missing in British culture where young people are more individualistic and seem to consign their elderly parents to the scrapheap of society and prioritise their own pleasures. It’s a growing problem endemic in many societies but, in Malaga, it seemed they have not yet caught up with the 21st century social malaise which other Western societies suffer from. It seems there are traditional family values which they are still clinging onto. For me, it was reassuring and comforting to know not all has been irreparably lost to modernity.

Coming back to Dani’s visit to London, for his parents this was their first time and my sons and I knew we had to see them here. Although I myself could only manage one night with them, that evening was so beautiful. We were a group of ten people, and even with some limited Spanish language skills on our side, we had a fantastic time in a coffee shop, then just walking through London and finally sitting for an evening meal. I even forgot that I had work the next day and felt like I was the tourist in London with no cares in the world!

Perhaps I am a romantic, but the company we were in that night reminded me of how much I love when people come together despite their apparent differences in language, religion, ethnicity etc. and yet create a fantastic fusion. Our little coterie represented humanity at its best. Everyone was happy to be there and was genuinely interested in the other. That’s the microcosm of togetherness which I wish could be projected onto the wider world in places where it is so desperately lacking. Instead of filling our minds and hearts with hatred or ignorance of the other, all it takes is a little effort to get to know someone and overcome those misconceptions. Beautiful things can happen.

This blog post is a tribute to Dani and the affection he brought with him to London. He clearly has taken on his responsibilities towards his parents and ensured their time was memorable. As a mother myself, it was such an adorable thing to witness. Like my own sons, Dani represents to me a hope that the future will be in good hands as long as these young people do not succumb to whimsical desires too often but see the responsibilities they carry on behalf of the generation before and the one after.. He is a rare breed amongst his peers in that he is respectful, engaging and interested in others.

Insha’Allah, there will be many more meetups with him and his family either in Andalucia, London or elsewhere and I do hope we will always be in one another’s lives to celebrate all the milestones which have yet to be crossed.

A Life of Purpose

It is a misconception in the working world that a person is inherently driven to climb higher through the echolons of a company or career in the pursuit of success. This aspiration doesn’t belong to all though. What’s more, it’s an ever-elusive dream given the climb often comes at a price in other areas of life.

Having almost reached the end of a working age, I realise that I don’t have the ambition to simply move up and keep going. I am actually content with where I am in my current role. Of course, I wouldn’t be averse to a higher income. Who wouldn’t be? However, I know that I’d lose something else in the process. Right now, I relish the contact I have with the people I meet in my daily working life where I find myself helping them with questions and queries on a whole array of things. I try my best to resolve these situations to a positive outcome for them and on the occasions when I get feedback, where they express appreciation, it is enough to make me feel I have accomplished something good. That’s the recompense I would rather have than more money per se. Of course, I’d be lying if I said I would scoff at a similar role which would procure more money and the same expressions of gratitude from others.

Whilst it may seem like my work is a means to stroke my ego, I am also acutely aware that any good that comes from it comes from Allah alone. He is ultimately the One who deserves all the expressions of gratitude. Yet, my role within that is to leave someone with a good impression of what a Muslim represents. It is never about me, myself and I. I’m not conceited enough to know that my name and face will long be forgotten. What I would like to remain though, in the minds of others, is the memory that the Muslim they had met had only ever treated them well. My niyyah (intention) is – and has – always been that. I hope to always be an exemplar of Islam. If that much is achieved, then that’s all I could ask.

WIth the time I have in this life, that’s where I prioritise my goals. Its not about a better job, bigger house or fame. I want to capitalise on my personal skills and humanity and use them where it will produce the best outcome for others and maybe even in others, insha’Allah.

***Loftier than What may seem Apparent***

Life in the Slow Lane

The first of many weekends which I have been waiting for with a deep anticipation…

No commitments which involve constant clock watching and having to divide my day into fixed hours. Finally, I can be more fluid with activities in terms of no time restrictions. For observers on the outside, it may seem a trifle thing but, for me, the liberation is real.

As I move on with life, I’ve learnt to reclaim some of my time for me and to slow down. Or, at least, condense some of my activities so that I can truly enjoy free time uninterrupted by the demands of others. For the first time in a long time, I can now distinguish between the days of the week and identify those where I can pursue things I’d otherwise not have been able to do because of work.

And yet I also cherish the work routine I have. It’s not so much the job per se but the discipline it provides. Waking up at a fixed time and having to report somewhere is actually an integral part of human existence. Without it, life becomes almost meaningless and too much free time leads one to squander it. “Killing time” is a phrase or concept totally abhorent when time itself is such a precious gift. Work also provides opportunities to meet and talk to others. It’s the impetus for continued sanity and a role within wider society and not just within my four walls. Being a rather social being, I relish the chance to converse with and learn about and educate others whilst also realising that’s a two-way street. Social interaction is a subtle edification as being amongst others also gives them a chance to meet and talk with a Muslim woman – something which, especially where I live, not everyone would be exposed to. I couldn’t envisage a life without regular and meaningful interaction with a myriad of people. So, whilst the job isn’t anything to write home about, for all the reasons mentioned above, I am grateful for having it all the same.

To bolster that sense of purpose, my other pursuits in life have provided much needed sanity. Where paid work has not been able to meet my desire for a sense of higher purpose – something beyond worldly matters – I have found my appetite for a form of spiritual redemption, satiated in charitable deeds. Not the type of charity which involves dropping money in a collection tin either. It’s the type that requires of me to reach deep within and utilise my talents, time and whatever tools I have at my disposal. I feel this kind of action is the one thing that will enable me to strengthen my link to my Creator.

When I think of charitable deeds of this nature, I feel they can only truly be achieved out in the field and not from the comfort or safety of my own home. To be immersed in a culture or place where I am witness to the difficulties which some of those impoverished people face themselves, is what gives me a sense of fulfilment. It’s not that I derive a sick pleasure from others’ suffering. It’s more that I need to understand it better by being on the ground; to have an emotional attachment where I can learn and be humbled. Without it, the soul cannot be touched and humility will be difficult to be rekindled.

Insha’Allah, my next steps towards this goal are already in motion. I hope to report back soon with an update but not before I know it will actually happen. It’s taken me many years but I finally feel I am in a position in life where the balance of work, leisure time and spirital fulfilment are beginning to come together to create a beautiful tapestry. I know now why the famous adage, “It’s never too late,” rings clearly in my ears.

***The Hands of a Clock Will Go Around Again***

Hello Weekends

As I move through my life and so too, my latter years, I have made the decision to review my weekly routine. It was an inevitable decision that I knew I’d need to do one day. The surrender to work of what should have been my leisure time, was becoming more untenable with the passing of time. I realised that I couldn’t sacrifice my weekends any more. I couldn’t sacrifice my time for money. And for sure, I was not going to sacrifice my mental wellbeing for anything else any longer.

Alhamdulillah, this weekend was the last of many long weekends where I have had appointments to keep in terms of tuition. I have finally closed a chapter and look forward to reclaiming time for me. If this comes at a price financially, then so be it. The only calculation I’ve allowed for is the time I want back for me. The freedom I will earn is priceless; there is no monetary value that could be attached to it.

Whilst it would have been wonderful to be earning a much higher salary for the same amount of hours that I put in, in any given week, the reality is that the opportunities to climb the career ladder, have long since passed. In any case, I look forward to winding down and not being wound up. I have never coveted the accumulation of wealth. Rather, a lifestyle which affords me some comforts and the opportunity to travel a bit, is more than enough. Alhamdulillah, I can say that’s exactly what I have achieved and for that I am truly grateful. To have done all that on my own the last few years without any financial input from another person, is a badge I wear with a certain quiet pride. It’s only since my sons have entered employment that I can now take my finger off the pulse and relax somewhat.

As the time gap between my divorce and my present life widens, so too does the sense of acceptance and peace I derive from it. I have proven to myself that I can -and have-managed on my own financially and otherwise. Besides, I have never desired to marry again – the serenity I have discovered since being single is too good to exchange for anything or anyone else again. The only people who will ever have my undivided attention are my offspring.

I am excited for the period that awaits me. Insha’Allah, there will be more time to read books, travel, learn Quran and all the pursuits that I envisage will nourish my soul. Even those goals which involve my physical and mental wellbeing have always been ultimately to feed into my spiritual wellbeing.

Despite the everyday stresses and demands which I encounter, I retire to sleep every night with a genuine certitude that as long as every experience is rooted in gratitude, that in itself will sustain and propel me with a positivity for whatever lies ahead.

Friendships to Cherish

It’s a cheesy statement but I’ll say it anyway. “Good friends are hide to find.” As we sail the murky waters of life, we learn to steer our boat well and come through the tests and challenges that life throws at us. A lot of this couldn’t have been done without having been bolstered by good friends and their support, wisdom and guidance.

I had a quiet day today. But between the household chores and other things, I managed to escape and meet up with a couple of good friends. We have a lot of things in common, not least the fact that, as Muslim women, we have all raised our children on our own in the last few years. That special connection has helped forge a strong bond unlike any other. Despite our own very specific and individual circumstances, there is still a lot we can relate to when the other shares their story. And because of that, providing a source of support comes easy.

I cherish such friendship. It is an asset which is priceless and incomparable to anything else. After blood ties, it is the next level of human connection that most of us desire. I would say it is arguably of more value than a spouse whose love and affection can be – and often is – conditional. True friends don’t seek recompense except to be reciprocated with time, advice and support in equal measure. There is no monetary tag or payment of a tangible kind that is expected. Whatever is on offer, comes from the heart.

So, going back to today, sitting on a park bench with two dear friends, and discussing our past, present and future, and all that those things entail, was a great cathartic exercise. Allah has truly favoured me with such people in my life. I hope they view me in much the same way, insha’Allah. I have never been one to do all the taking and no giving.

There are many things I wish to be rid of at this stage of my life, namely irrelevant material things. I can say that I have already learnt to let go of those who purport to be of value to me but have nothing really to add to my life. They have already been offloaded and I have now been left with a comfortable core circle of friends.

Insha’Allah, I look forward to good conversation and laughter over cups of tea and coffee with the few remaining special people in my life and with whatever time I have been gifted with.

Catching Up with Now

I have made promises in recent months, and even years, to not allow myself to be held back by the past. I will not let those dark days cast a shadow over my life now. Alhamdulillah, for the most part, that is exactly what has happened. Things are moving forward and I eagerly anticipate all the milestones, small or large, in my own life or my sons’, as an incentive to live.

One of the many things I have always wanted to do is to make my home more of a home despite not owning the property I live in. That factor in itself has often been a deterrent to do more than the bare minimum to make a place liveable. Yes, I have painted rooms but always hesitated to put more of a personal stamp on the place knowing that I could be asked to leave at any time. The idea of living on edge isn’t a comfortable one, for obvious reasons. But lately, I’ve questioned my own mindset on this score. I’ve told myself to be more in the present and enjoy a modicum of pleasure in my own space. In that vein, I recently rolled up my sleeves and painted walls and changed the ascetics in my living room and kitchen.

The result is not just one that is pleasing to the eye in terms of a fresh look and upgrade. It has also lifted my spirits unequivocally. Seeing a project come into fruition with one’s own labour and investment is truly a wonderful achievement. I feel I have come into the present and started living properly. After all, why shouldn’t I be entitled to a few of life’s pleasures?

With my thoughts still very much locked into the mode that I have even less finite time left in this duniya (world), I have now made it even more of a mission to allow myself this small gratification.

The upgrade of the living room and kitchen in recent days has given me a sense of peace and calm. I am simply pleased to be at home and move between rooms without feeling agitated or uncomfortable. Changing the ascetics of the place has been so crucial to my own mental wellbeing. Having a home which exudes a fresh look and is no longer tired helps me reciprocate that sense of newness and rejuvenation. It has imbued an exhiliration within me – a renewed zest to pursue dreams and make them transform into reality.

Alhamulillah, for having the courage to fight the mental lethargy in me that threatens to thwart any desire to carry on. I can see, time and again, through different goals I have set myself, that that way of living will simply not do.

Lessons from My Mother

Looking back at my own mother’s life, I wonder about the parallels between mine and hers. In all honesty, the only thing we have in common is that we were both divorced in our 40s.

Of course, we share other things in common given the common blood that runs in our veins. However, whereas my mother surrendered to a life of self-enforced stigma as a woman who was without her husband, I decided to take control of mine and make my situation work in my favour. I don’t have any ill feelings towards how my mother decided to handle her life. After all, she is of a generation which taught her that a husband was the focal point of woman’s existence and purpose. Without him, a woman has no reason to continue to live or hope of achieving anything of real value in her own right. For anyone who subscribes to that mentality though, I feel a deep sadness. I wish my mother hadn’t wasted so much time imagining scenarios about how others perceived her or how she had, indeed, perceived them. Her self-worth diminished overnight as a single parent.

Having the benefit of being an observor, I looked to my mother to understand exactly how not to live my own life as a divorced woman. And so, ironically, I am grateful to her for showing me what pitfalls to avoid – even though she is unaware of this inadvertently edifying role that she has taken on over the last few years. I refuse to not be counted in the world and take my rightful place on its stage. I demand to be respected as an individual in my own right. I also expect not be judged against the backdrop of my divorce. I have had to fight for these things in ways which haven’t always had me shouting at the top of my voice. It’s been more of a quiet defiance that penetrates through any kind of cultural nonsense.

I know that Allah chose me to live this life because He knew I could take it in my stride, Alhamdulillah. Where I have suffered losses, I have also made huge gains some of which have more than compensated for those losses. I still have bouts of sadness where I wish things hadn’t come to this; where I wished my marriage had stood the test of time if only because the father of my sons would have experienced first-hand all the successes that they have scored and the wonderful, joyful moments along the way. He truly missed out never having known their idiosyncrocies or their strengths and true personalities as they evolved. Alhamdulillah, I have been there all along the way and rarely missed a thing. It has been a true honour and privilege that Allah has allowed me to experience single-handedly. Through it all, I have come to learn more about myself in these last few years than ever before – and I would never have known my true potential had these exact circumstances not presented themselves.

My mother, with her fixation on the past, as if the clock stopped ticking with the end of her marraige, is the antithetical model for my own life. And I mean that with respect and not any anger towards her. I understand her position, shaped by her cultural upbringing. But a generation between us caused a seismic paradigm shift in our mentalities. I do think I have the better outlook on life because I haven’t given up on it. Instead, I have embraced every part and tried to squeeze from it what I can. Not just for the sake of this existence but moreso, for what I can take when I walk through the exit door of this duniya (world).

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