Self-Confidence in Phases

When I look back on my life, I can see that as I evolved from childhood to mature adulthood, there have been bouts of self-confidence that have also come in different bursts or phases. There have been different circumstances that have leant themselves to this change over time and so much so that I sometimes wonder how a person can even experience such a seismic shift over time.

My childhood wasn’t an easy one and I was forced to bear the labels attached to me by others which made reference to my outer appearance and rendered me diffident and shy and very self-conscious. I hated attention. In that slipstream of negative comments callously dispensed by others, (especilly adults), I grew to love my education and found comfort in books and reading. At least, that’s my analysis of things.

However, it wasn’t until much later, by the time I entered university, that I had begun my journey of self-discovery and seeking a niche to call my own. My education helped me find a voice and moreso, a purpose to life. I realised that my status and worth were not inextricably linked to the perceptions others had of me. This was the beginning of a form of self-confidence that was unshakable. I was moving in different circles with people who showed me that the world did not think in a uniformly unbearable way; that people would respect the person within and not stop short at the outside – as if that outside were something reprehensible anyway.

Fast forward a few years and by my latter twenties, I had discovered an even stronger self- confidence that was deeply embedded in my Muslim identity. It removed the need to seek validation from people who couldn’t see my worth – ironically sometimes Muslims themselves! I knew who I was and was finding a renewed comfort in my own skin. It was a liberation. No longer was I a slave to others’ conditions or standards.

Now, many years later as I settle into my older age, I have acquired a confidence that has come about from a complex combination of so many different aspects of my life. The Muslim identity is still an unbreakable bedrock, Alhamdulillah. But added to that, is the experiences that I have encountered or endured in recent years that I have had to contend with alone. Having to fight my own corner, without the benefit of the support of a spouse, has made me self-reliant. I’ve had to trust my own judgement and surge ahead. That’s not to say I’ve not made mistakes but I have not had the luxury of waiting for approval or reassurance from a trusted partner. Inevitably, it has shaped my personality and interestingly, I realise that my personality isn’t a static thing even at a much older age.

So, I return to my premise upon which this blog is based: that self-confidence itself is an evolving thing. Life’s events and circumstances definitely play a crucial part. They can either make or break a person. Alhamdulillah, I chose to fight. I do believe the innate desire to do so had to be there in the first place and I recognised that and chose to build on it.

In an ideal world. I would hope those who have suffered injustices at the hands of others, would eventually find their way onto a new plain whereby they will exist on their own terms and with all the confidence to hold their head up high. I understand personality is a very fluid thing, shaped by interactions with others and more. It would be such a shame to not claim the beautiful things that life has to offer and let them slip through our fingers. I’ve learnt that I have every right to be here and stake my claim as much as the next person.

Half of My Life

Sunsets to be Followed by a New Dawn

Earlier this week, I reached a bittersweet and poignant point in my life.

I realised that exactly half my life ago, I was embarking on a new chapter called ‘Marriage’. It didn’t last as long as I had expected to which, to be honest, I always imagined would be till the day either my husband or I died, whoever would depart first. Seems the departure would be in a form I had never imagined.

Light Overcomes Darkness

There have definitely been many, many highs since that fateful day when I was asked to leave. I have had precious moments with my sons and through the difficult days, we have come through stronger and more determined. There remains in all of us a desire to accomplish so much more yet that life has to offer. Alhamdulillah, in many ways our silver lining has dwarfed the cloud that it contained. What remains of that cloud is just a few wisps rather than a ominous burden casting its shadow from above. I’d like to believe that my sons’ own resilience has partly come from observing my own. If there’s anything I’ve learned, ironically from the time I entered my marriage, where I was met by resistance from my family, to the time I exited it, was that I would shake off the dust and stand up tall taller.

The poignant memories will always be there. I’ve told myself not to bother fight them. It’s part and parcel of being human. However, there’s a lid on them now where they aren’t allowed to overspill into my current life. They are very much contained and without much effort either. As the distance between my past and present increases, so too does my sadness. Allah has blessed me with more than what I lost, Alhamdulillah.

I recall when my sons had all moved on from school and into university, there was a liberation for me as a mother. It was less about overseeing their practical and academic matters than it was about overseeing their emotional wellbeing. Not to say that this was easy either. However, they were negotiating adulthood and now that they are established in the world of work, I see that the tables have turned. It is them now taking care of me more and trying to reciprocate in ways they can for the care I bestowed upon them. Alhamdulillah, for the benefits of sabr (patience). These days, I love spending time with them either all together or individually and being able to talk on a level where we all respect and listen to the other’s opinions, advice and thoughts. They are very much my confidants and I theirs.

None of these developments and dynamics may have happened if the status quo of nine years ago had remained.

But now I’ve entered an even newer phase. I am feeling this latter part of my life is going to be about all the things I put off whilst everyone else came first. Isn’t that the narrative of every normal mother? I guess I’m no different to so many self-sacrificing mothers out there. But I don’t just dream about days out with my girlfriends and family. want to make it about my solo adventures whether that be in a literal or spiritual sense.I want to breathe life into the soul within – a part of which has been waiting for someone to reach for the bellows and revive. That someone can only be me. Insha’Allah, there continues to be progress on this score. I am excited for whatever time is left of my life. I live with hope for the things I hope to achieve and for what I wish to see my sons’ achieve.

Whilst I mark this week looking back at the halfway point of my life so far, I also have faith that the latter years will be the ones that supercede the earlier ones in terms of cumulative happiness, fulfilment and spiritual growth, insha’Allah.

Letting Go of Ego

Without a doubt, one of the hardest things to do…

This is a lesson that takes years to accomplish and one I have been grappling with recently in a very personal way. I wonder if I can even claim to have succeeded? Like all humans, I sometimes suffer from puffed up pride – that feeling of being or having better than others. It very surreptitiously finds its way back into my mind and I am only aware of it once it’s too late. Not something to be proud of.

Recently though, and especially in the last few days, I found myself thrown into a situation where I had to take a deep, long look at what was within my mind. I had to be objectively self-critical and question my own thoughts and decisions. Why had they arisen? Who or what was fuelling them to persist? How could I thwart them? In the past, where there have been times I have felt slighted, I have asked Allah for retribution. It is not that I wish upon someone a calamity or misfortune. Moreso, I fear that there will be worse ramifications in the form of Allah’s wrath if I play out satisfying scenarios in my head. Had I not had any God-consciousness, I would have unleashed my anger, pain and sorrow very visibly towards those who instigated those emotions in the first place.

Time is the Healer

However, time is a healer and age does bring wisdom. I have become less perturbed and more mellow. I know better than to flog a dead horse. Investing energy where nothing will change is a futile task. The past cannot be undone. I know I’m better off focussing on future goals. I have also come to realise that Allah’s divine plan isn’t one for questioning. If I truly trust my affairs to Him, I should simply go with the flow. That isn’t the same as being weak – as if I have allowed myself to be pulverised into a pulp and have no right to stand up for myself. It’s more about recognising that, however my life plays out, that I am exactly where Allah destined me to be at that time. There is no escaping that truism. That understanding is a strength, not a weakness.

To respond to what life has thrown at me, without a kneejerk reaction, is the same as learning to suppress the ego – that insidious part of my core that threatens to erupt at any time without check. I remind myself to mentally step outside of my being and understand that life itself is just a temporary stop on the greater journey that I’m on. When all is said and done, the hurt to my pride or the injustices I feel people have inflicted on me will no longer matter once I have moved on to the next realm. I’ve resolved not to squander my life away seeking reparations. I think I’m beginning to understand how forgiveness of the other actually does have a positive impact on my own wellbeing. Like how a sick person needs to sometimes take a bitter pill to feel better, so too must I delve deep into some darker parts of my being to purge myself. The result is: I feel lighter, content, happy, relieved, free and determined. The victory is mine.

Whilst it’s been necessary to take some steps backwards to confront the more unsavoury elements of my own being, the overall direction has only been forwards. I am not stagnant. I am constantly moving onwards and upwards, Alhamdulillah.

Progress involves Back and Forth

Wheels in Motion

Onwards with Purpose

Although I haven’t yet fully executed some of the plans I have for my future, in recent days and weeks, I feel that I have at least geared my mental state up and am taking tentative, exploratory steps, insha’Allah.

I don’t wish to elaborate on details for fear that none of them will materialise or that I may cast an evil eye on myself. However, being in that positive mindset in and of itself is a sure way to get the ball rolling. The wheels are turning…

Conversations over Coffee

Having returned this weekend after staying with a good friend and savouring the time together to share past memories and future plans, I feel revitalised. It was the reaffirmation I needed – to hear myself say out loud what I envisage for myself in time to come and not have someone tell me that I have gone insane.

Whilst many women my age lament on their stagnating marriages or the wish to be married at all, I have left that conversation behind. I have long realised that I have to deal with the cards Allah has put in my hand and not what I don’t have within my grasp. I do see myself living the rest of my days out as a single person. That isn’t a cry for pity. It’s simply a statement of truth. But it isn’t, by the same token, a sorry state of affairs. I have understood the assignment and hope to pass with flying colours, insha’Allah.

I intend to harness my freedom and use it to my advantage. To be honest, I have been doing that already. But I plan to step out of my comfort zone even more and push myself to new limits. Whether this be in terms of work, hobbies or other interests, I will not let my age be a limiting factor. Too often, in their latter years, people feel they should naturally restrict themselves to whatever they have been used to without daring to try something new or different. I am excited to push the bar higher!

I have already ticked some boxes in my own latter years – climbing Snowdon, a charity trip to Bosnia, serving as a Trustee in another charity and visiting projects in Turkey as a result, holidays and day trips with my sons and not least travelling to Shanghai – something I didn’t even dare to dream of doing in my lifetime! Alhamdulillah for all of that and more. However, as much as I have taken from the world, I wish to continue to reciprocate and give back. I understand I am only one person and as such, my contribution to this world may not be huge at all. But insha’Allah, it will be fruitful and productive and spiritually uplifting. My soul shouldn’t die before its time is due to expire. I will continue to search for meaning in this life and embrace what life has to offer me. For me, that can only truly be found by asking myself what my relationship with my Creator is.

This weekend, sitting with my friend and chatting about so much we have in common and feeling understood by the other, is something I will cherish. Smaller components of a larger machine are all vital to reaching a target. Likewise, meetings with individuals are occasions which shape our view of the world and ourselves and help us navigate our own purpose in the grand scheme of things.

Insha’Allah, I hope new fulfilled dreams are on the horizon.

Reload and Refresh – New Horizons

Shanghai Shines

The Mesmerising Spectacle of Chinese Architecture – Yuyuan Old Street

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have the opportunity to travel to the Far East. Both in terms of money and time, it was one of the those parts of the world that I could only ever dream of and assume it wouldn’t materialise. However, when my son asked me if I’d like to go to Shanghai, I realised that there was really no reason to say ‘No’. Alhamdulillah, a perfect opportunity had presented itself and I would be crazy to let it pass.

The week spent there was beyond my wildest expectations! I relished every minute and enyoyed the sights, smells and sounds all around me. It was a culture I had not been immersed in before yet was exactly what I wanted to experience – something very different from Europe.

The first thing that hit me about Shanghai was it’s sheer size. The city is an endlessly sprawling metropolis with tower block after tower block vying for space in the sky. Not surprising how many of these there are given the burgeoning population (around 28 million people). Yet surprisingly enough, most of these concret needles didn’t feel they were suffocating the life out of the city. Everywhere around us, there was always a healthy sprawling green canopy lining streets and parks. At street level, there are countless wide urban streets with many raised highways on bridges. The scale of infrastructure construction is stupendous and we saw so many buildings and bridges still on their way to completion. Thousands of cars, mopeds and bicycles all traverse the city with an amazingly seemless precision and yet the city’s transport network functions so well. To call it organised chaos would be disingenuous as chaos isn’t what I saw. Meanwhile, below street level, the metro functions so smoothly and efficiently delivering millions of people to their destinations every hour or every day.

New Culinary Discoveries – Chinese Hotpot

As a Muslim, I was warned beforehand about the possible difficulties of finding halal eateries in China. However, we were pleasantly surprised and didn’t feel we missed on local Chinese culinary delights. We tried local dishes from hotpot, meat skewers, beef noodles to octopus. So many times I had to pinch myself to remind myself I was not simply in Chinatown in London but in China proper. It was a totally surreal experience. SubhanAllah!

In fact, there were many times I was walking around Shanghai and kept experiencing deja vu moments where one moment in my head I was in Jeddah, then Dhaka and yet again in Istanbul. So many sights reminded me of my past experiences in other places I have lived or visited in the world. As I described to others, in the week spent there, I was whisked on a world tour in my head. My senses were constantly catapulted between one part of the world to another and the stimulation was unreal. So much felt strangely familiar.

The famous cityscape, with the world’s third tallest skycraper, was a phenomenal sight. As much as I love nature and the peace that encompasses it, I also love the other extreme where bright lights and tall towers vy for attention. It was all mesmerising and no photos could capture the delight that it produced. I was in awe of man’s creative abilities and the fact that I was fortunate enough to experience all this.

To summarise my Shanghai experience in one blog post would be to do it an unbelievably gross disservice. It reawakened within me the desire to see more of the world and perhaps even live in another place. It reaffirmed to me that I wish to experience another way of life insha’Allah, before I leave this world forever. As much as England will always be home, there is a soullessness which I have always felt has been lacking. The thing that prevents me now from packing up and moving away are family commitments. However, I will always hold onto the dream of trying something new still. I have always found people who have lived and experienced an alternative lifestyle to myself, to be very interesting. I am grateful that I have done this kind of thing myself already but I still hope to try it again soon, insha’Allah. There is so much to see and do still that I know will feed my soul. For years, I have tried to fill that gap here but to no avail. I am in no doubt that it will only every be achieved elsewhere and I am grateful to Shanghai for proving that to me.

Stunning Cityscape – Shanghai Skyline

Post Ramadan Round-Up

!st Shawwaal, 1446

It’s been a couple of weeks since I wrote anything here and a couple of weeks since Eid-ul-Fitr which marks the end of Ramadan.

Hands down, it was one of the best Eids I have had in my entire life, Alhamdulillah. The only thing which would have made it perfect would have been if my youngest son were there too. But he is away from home and discovering the world and learning things for the betterment of his duniya (temporal world) and Akhirah (the Hereafter).

Eid-ul-Fitr is strangely bittersweet in that it symbolises the exit from the beautiful month of Ramadan. It is comparable to the birth of a baby who has had the comfort of it’s mother’s womb where everything is safe and secure and yet the arrival of that baby into the world is something people wait with eager anticipation. On the other hand, Eid-ul-Fitr also celebrates the observance of a month of higher slef-discipline and self-awareness – a form of mental, physical and spiritual retraining that most Muslims look forward to as an impetus to improve on themselves. Although we leave Ramadan with a somewhat heavy heart, we understand that the lessons of that month are not lost on us, insha’Allah.

The day of Eid this year started beautifully with the congregational prayer out in the open and alongside family and friends. The khutbah (sermon) was succinct and thought-provoking and set us up for the day ahead reminding us about the appreciation for what Allah has blessed us with and what we need to do from here as we move on in time. The togetherness was comforting. Seeing my sons also dressed in new clothes, which we had bought together a couple of weeks before, was endearing for me as it’s been a while since they have accepted to make a fuss of this aspect of Eid. What’s more, one of their English Muslim revert friends had also joined us and wore the outfit we had bought him. The inclusivity which he felt was a cherry on the cake for me!

Traditional Haleem – An Eid Centrepiece

The rest of the day was spent together at my sister’s house and she and her husband were the generous hosts as usual. Family and friends came and went and throughout the day there was much laughter, happiness and a sense of familial bonds. Having our new Muslim friend amongst us made it extra special given he has not yet made it public knowledge of his conversion to his parents and so, most likely, would not have celebrated Eid otherwise. But he enjoyed everything that day – the clothes, the food and the company. Having him in our midst was also an eye-opener for those who’d not been in such close proximity to a revert Muslim. His presence made us realise how much we take for granted having been born into the faith and been surrounded by Muslim family all the time.

Later that evening, his own friend, another British-Chinese Muslim, joined us at my sister’s house and sitting around the table, with everyone sharing personal anecdotes of life as a Muslim, new or old, was quite a befitting conversation to be having on the day of Eid itself. It was as if those stories offered a reaffirmation of why we were all together, celebrating the day and even the life we had all consciously chosen to follow. Alhamdulillah for everything.

I know by the end of the evening, I felt that warm glow inside where gratitude for my life was overflowing. And I know I wasn’t the only one. Even those two young new Muslim men, who probably didn’t realise the impact they had made on us, were just as comfortable to be in our presence, despite never having met me and my family before. I know for sure they were even reluctant to go home! The day was such a wonderful celebration of family, friendship and life.

In retrospect, I realise now that the feeling of completeness isn’t something another person can bring. It is something to be found within oneself and is only ever going to be achieved once Allah becomes the centre of our existence. Anything other than that will have us running around in circles with no beginning and definitely no end.

Allah at the Centre

Ramadan Update

A Simple Formula

The silence which I have opted for this year has been wonderful. My head feels less compressed and cluttered. I have allowed space for my own introspective thoughts to take up residency and search for a connection between them and Allah.

This period in time has allowed me to stop and pause at this junction and realign my niyyah (intention) with my actions to the best of my ability. I have tried to do a self-assessment of where I have been heading in life till now and whether some changes need to be made. Of course, the answer to that question will always be “yes”. I’d be very arrogant to think otherwise.

As we reach the last week of Ramadan, I do wonder if I will see another one through again. Insha’Allah I will. My pledge is to keep it simple – to keep life simple. No need for the acquisiton of bigger and better things to satiate an already insatiable appetite for more. The month has taught me to curb my appetite and the hope is that this is the lesson I will learn moving forward and out of Ramadan.

I have enjoyed the simplicity of this month. Less food, less noise and less duniya (the temporal world) overall. Whilst I’m not naive to think I can sustain this routine all year round, I am grateful for the chance to have at least experienced the self-discipline for one month of the year. Insha’Allah, I will carry forward some of the good habits developed in the last few weeks in the hope they will make my days more fulfilling and rewarding outside the protection of this glorious month.

No Distractions Required

Ramadan 1446/2025

Lighting Up the Year

It’s been a while since I last posted anything here. Life has taken over as usual and despite my best intentions, I haven’t had the chance to log any of my thoughts recently. To be fair, Ramadan priorities were always going to take precedence and it is a month of extra effort in ibadah (worship) and reflection. This, in turn, inevitably leads to a time where unwanted emotional baggage is divested, cobwebs are dusted off tangled thoughts and a deep spiritual cleansing takes place.

Halfway through the month already and I feel there has been progress. Although I know it will never be at a level where I have used my full potential, at least there has been some reflection and introspection.

For the first time this year also, I have decided to break away from the usual constant social media content which is put out in Ramadan. As much as this material is undoubtedly inspiring, I struggle to retain a lot of what is spoken about and, on reflection, realise that it hasn’t helped me become a better version of myself. That sounds like the fault is with the creators or speakers of the content that’s out there. Far from it. The issue is with me. I have chosen this year to use the faculties within myself and go right back to basics in my search for inspiration. What do I mean by this? For a start, I want to go to the Quran directly and seek solace from it.

The noble Quran has enough to inspire and encourage us to do and be the best version of ourselves. It contains a plethora of material to engage with and ponder over. For example, the infinite references to nature are points which stir me beyond no bounds. I have decided to let the Quran speak to me directly without a modern-day interpreter or scholar. This isn’t to say I can understand the Quran on my own. Far from it. But suffice to say, there is enough material there which needs no third party to explain the magnificence of Allah.

Clarity of Faith

Going for long walks in silence this Ramadan, has actually achieved more for me than listening to someone speak as an agent of Islam. I need no words to convince me of Allah’s magnaminous status when I look at the clouds and the river and the grass as I walk behind my own home. Accompanied with utterances of praise for Allah throughout, I feel this is a far more productive way to spend my Ramadan. It’s a formula I haven’t seriously considered before – disconnecting from video after video of Islamic content. However, this year I have chosen a deeper silence and it has been working so far, Alhamdulillah. After all, how did Muslims manage deep contemplation in Ramadan before the advent of the internet?

I have thoroughly enjoyed going back to basics and relying on my own conscience to bring me close to Allah in this blessed month.

That being said, learning from others is definitely with its merits. I woudn’t trust myself to learn without a teacher. However, perhaps my age has caused me to want to enjoy the silence and cherish the stillness of a moment without interruption.

Alhamdulillah for the opportunity to reconnect with the peace and nature and simple things in life. This has been perhaps just as enlightening as sitting through hours of a lecture to be convinced of something I already hold in deep regard.

I need this time to be my own. I need silence to hear my own conscience. I need time to be.

Nostalgia

Comfort in a Desi Breakfast

A few days ago, I met up with an old friend who I’ve known since our university days together. That was over 30 years ago! Even writing that figure here seems surreal. How is it possible that so many years have gone by? To think of all the things each of us have achieved, explored or simply lived through in that time…

Alhamdulillah, it was wonderful to catch up even though our individual paths make it less possible to be in touch as often as we’d like. On average, we’ve been able to meet once a year which seems pathetic and perhaps it is. However, we both know the intention is always there and once we are in each other’s company, we can simply continue from where we left off. There are few friendships where this can happen so effortlessly.

Graduation Memories

But in that conversation last weekend, my friend mentioned how she had accidentally stumbled on some old photos from our graduation day. (This was what had prompted her to call me in the first place.) Amongst the people in the photos she has, she is now only in contact with myself and one other person. Over the years, it was inevitable that some of those old-time friends would have disappeared and the years would have made the friendships more tenuous. People get married, find jobs, move on and away and life takes over. And we know that one of our mutual friends sadly had even passed away at a young age of 32 leaving behind a young family.

So, in that context, it is pretty special that the two of us have maintained a link over the years. I myself have lived abroad for several years and in different countries. Even when I was living in the UK, it wasn’t always in London. So, to have kept that link alive through mutual effort is something I definitely cherish. It’s taken effort on both sides and is the reason why we have succeeded in keeping up-to-date with each other’s news even across thousands of miles.

Today, to think our own ‘children’ are now older than the ages at which we first met, is something. I don’t look back with sadness. Not at all. Instead, I am grateful for the life I have lived and all the things I have experienced along the way, good and seemingly bad. And I deliberately add the word, “seemingly”, because I know that with my narrow understanding of things, what I might deem as negative is, in fact, perhaps the best thing that could have happened to me.

No More to Say?

Adventures Yet to be Recorded

In recent months, I’ve often thought about the idea of calling it a day with my online blog. I don’t have as much traffic as I used to in terms of views by others but I guess that’s because I don’t bother share it on my Instagram page or elsewhere as I used to before. It’s not that I ever had a deluge of readers at any point to be honest.

Maybe it’s because I vowed from an eary stage never to obsess with how many people read my blogs or how many likes I would get. And for the most part, I can honestly say I have remained true to my word. I have even gone weeks without sharing any posts anywhere on social media (not that I have a presence anywhere other than Instagram or Facebook). I refuse to succumb to the evils and perils of a social media presence. It is something that has never imbued within me a deep desire or interest in the first place.

To be honest, the objective of my writing was never to gain a following in and of itself. I started this writing journey to alleviate my own pain and frustration as I ventured into unchartered territory as a mother on her own with young children. It was an open expression of a very private journey; a shared record of me unashamedly admitting to my stumbling blocks, my weaknesses, my fears but also my accomplishments, big or small. It was always intended to be a cathartic relief and it has been every bit that, Alhamdulillah.

Silent Confessions

So, it doesn’t matter if the world is with me or not. Writing this blog for me is like sitting on the beach at the edge of the seashore and talking to the wind and letting my words be carried out into the far distance. Whether anyone else hears them or not is not the objective. It’s the relief that comes with unburdening myself and offloading. Along the way, I have confessed to myself my own strengths and weaknesses and everything else in- between. The net result has been edifying. If anyone out there does find solace from my writings, then Alhamdulillah. I would have done a service to them without even having known this to be the case.

Right now in my life, I do feel it’s time to move to my next phase/chapter/mission and take on a more serious writing goal. This isn’t to say I will end the blog writing itself. But I have been inspired by older people who I’ve seen take up new challenges in their later lives, be it sports, a new profession, a hobby etc. and I don’t want to be someone who will regret never having tried, even if I don’t succeed. I don’t want to say too much now whilst I haven’t done enough yet to actualise my thoughts but insha’Allah, I will die trying even if I never hit my goal. I hope one day to return to provide an update on this ongoing mission.

Suffice to say, I believe that Allah has put me in this situation in my life now because He wants me to maximise my potential and because He knows I will at least strive to achieve certain things in life. I think the time is right to strike the iron whilst it is hot.

Chances Not to be Missed