It’s no secret that women – more than men – often undersell their skills and abilities when applying for jobs. They underplay their achievements as mothers raising children and running a home at the same time. They usually need someone else, observing from the outside, to tell them that they’re doing much better than they actually give themselves credit for.
I have been victim of that mindset on many occasions and in different spheres of my life. Coming back to the UK, after the demise of my marriage, and raising my sons singlehandedly over the years, people have sometimes reminded me of the commendable job I’ve done – all with the mercy of Allah of course. Often, I’ve had to step back and ponder on their comments: Why do they praise me? Surely, anyone can do this? What did I do that’s so special compared to others?
However, listening to those who know me well, I have come to realise that the task of raising a young family on my own has actually been one that I’ve taken in my stride competently. It has been challenging yet rewarding. I have only been too aware of the difficulties of not having a husband/father figure in our midst but with as much pre-emptive thinking as I could muster, I’ve tried to keep one step ahead of that. By trying to foresee the areas in my boys’ lives where they’d need guidance and advice, I’ve stepped in to try and fill that gap. Assessing whether I’ve been successful or not is a difficult thing to do. However, given that our relationship has remained strong and steady, despite the disagreements and arguments, is in itself a good sign I hope, insha’Allah.
Then there’s the world of work…
Here, I have sustained the task of bringing home an income to keep the household running for the last few years. Without hiatus. Two jobs and constant clock watching every single week. No surprise then that there have been many times I wish I could sit in the passenger seat and hand over the wheel to someone else. Yet, life doesn’t always allow us choices. Alhamdulillah though, the advantage of this situation is that I’ve not had to hold a begging bowl to anyone else. I’ve been able to stand on my own two feet. And still, even though this has been my relentless routine, I am surprised when others tell me how graciously I’ve persevered and been independent all these years. To me, it’s what anyone would have done in my position. But then I’ve been reminded that not everyone would have had the same stamina to endure these similar circumstances so long. Perhaps that’s true. But I was also adamant that my life would not be diminished by post-divorce grief. I am also acutely aware that Allah never gives someone more than they can bear – and He knew I could take this on.
This brings me to my other personal pursuits. More recently, I’ve been asked by an international charity to offer my services and help train their ESOL teachers in pedagogical practices. Again, for some inexplicable reason, they seem to have placed faith in me to deliver the goods. As I write here, I am in the process of preparing material for them whilst there’s this immutable voice in the back of my head telling me that I’m not capable or worthy of so much trust. I have had to consciously suppress it and reassure myself I am indeed competent.
Insha’Allah, I will deliver and deliver well as doing things by half is not my mode of practice. At this late stage of life, it’s only now I’m slowly beginning to understand my true potential and recognise what I have already accomplished even though I tend to play it down. To be honest, I’d much rather lean towards modesty than gloat about my accomplishments. All praise is due to Allah in everything I’ve managed to achieve, big or small. However, by the same token, if ever I encounter the haters, I won’t ever accept them telling me that I don’t have much to show for my life. Yes, in material terms, I don’t own much to write home about. But Alhamdulillah, there are intangible things I do possess much to the chagrin of the cynics.
Imposter syndrome is something I know I will suffer from for a while yet. However, coming out of my comfort zone and setting myself new incremental challenges is a sure antidote to that malaise. It’s a work in progress but progress is surely being made. I’ve seen enough motivational quotes about the growth mindset and have absorbed the wisdom behind them. It’s life’s challenging circumstances that create the search for new opportunities and so, Alhamdulillah, for those situations. Without them, I’d have been content in mediocrity and complacency. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve known that would never have been enough. It’s not something I’d have accepted for my sons either. Both together and individually, we will all continue our search for our own glass ceilings and smash through them, insha’Allah.
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