mymotherhalf.com

Changing Places

Over the last few years, there has been a lot of activity in our household in terms of who has been moving in and out. My sons are now all young adults and university has been the preoccupation for them in recent years. I’ve got four sons who are all at different phases of the university experience. Two have exited, one is almost done and my youngest has just started. It was always inevitable that, as their mother, I’d be helping them settle in their new lives and accommodation and then resettle them back home.

Now, we are in a situation where the older two have returned and the young two are away.

Yesterday, I went to see my youngest son in his new place and who now has an easier commute to university. I am happy for him because it’s something he always wanted to experience – an independent lifestyle – the opportunity to prove to himself that he can take care of all aspects of his life. Time will tell. Maybe because I’m now accustomed to this tradition in our household, I didn’t feel overwhelmed when he left a couple of days ago. I’ve been through the process already – of seeing off my older sons so that. by now, I don’t feel perturbed any more. Of course, as a mother, I will always be concerned about all aspects of their safety but keeping them within my reach is no guarantee of anything. I have to let go.

In many ways, as strange as this may seem, I’m at a stage of my own life where my sons have to let go of me. What do I mean by that? Basically, they now know that my priorities are not always necessarily them. I have gradually learnt to put myself first even if it means they have had to do without my input in something. If they want to claim their stake to adulthood, then it can’t be a selective decision. They will need to learn to not being propped up by mother all the time. So, leaving home is simply a way of fast-tracking that process.

I have watched my sons grow up in recent years, evolving from boys to men. It has been exhausting but rewarding. I need to retire from several of my motherly duties. Now they can at least take care of practical chores which directly concern themselves. Although I have had to do tough love sometimes, I always believed it would pay off. It would have done no favours to anyone to have mollycoddled them and nurtured laziness and selfishness. I like to think I have done some things right. They are far from perfect but then so am I. We are all works in progress.

Right now, I have surrendered my sons to Allah’s plan in terms of what He wants for them in every sphere of their lives. To a large extent, I have no control any more. It’s as almost I have watched these saplings grow into strong steady trees who now tower over me. I don’t mind for that. It’s sometimes comforting to feel like the one being protected rather than being the protector. Role reversal. I need the break. I am tired.

Alhamdulillah, to have gotten this far in their lives and my own. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

***Feeling Protected by my Adult Sons***

Keeping Promises

If there’s anything which I find unattractive in a person, is when they make a promise which they have no real intention of honouring or have not thought through carefully before opening their mouth. One of my mottos in life is to never make a promise I know is very unlikely to be fulfilled.

I prefer to make secret promises to myself more. That way, I have to hold myself accountable and only to me. In recent years, I have told myself to try and reach for goals which may be slightly beyond my reach right now but which I have a realistic chance of making a success of in future.

With that in mind, I resolved that this year would start off with a short holiday with my sons. It’s something we haven’t done together – all of us – since our return from Saudi Arabia in 2016. Alhamdulillah, I fulfilled that wish and have just returned from a break in Malaga, Spain. What we achieved in three days was phenomenal! I feel I was away from home for three weeks! The places we saw, flavours we tasted, experiences we internalised… these are memories which are quite literally priceless!

During that trip, I reflected on the magnamity of Allah Himself. Not only did He make it possible for my dream to come true but within that, I had always had a desire to visit a particular place in Spain with my sons: Caminito del rey. I’d first heard of this place when I was teaching English in Saudi Arabia and it formed a reading comprehension exercise for my students. I was fascinated with it ever since and vowed that one day I would like to see it myself. SubhanAllah, what I didn’t know was that Allah had listened to my prayers all those years ago and helped me realise my dream! And then actually being there (just yesterday in fact), I marvelled at what Allah has created in the natural world. How can anyone deny He exists? All around is the proof of His mastery.

Coming back to my present life, I am determined to create happy montages in the visual recollections of what remains of it. Whilst my health is relatively good, I vow to use it to the best of my ability, insha’Allah. I am so acutely aware that I am not immortal and that I am sliding down a diminishing curve where so many variables in my life have past their peak already. So, if I don’t grab opportunities, or rather, don’t create them, then it will be a pitiable existence. I don’t want the latter part of my life to end miserably with a list of regrets because of bad decisions – or indecisions – I made now.

I understand that the determination to utilise time wisely is not synonymous with going on holidays as and when I want to. I couldn’t afford that lifestyle anyway. However, creating joyous occasions and setting out on new experiences with my sons, whilst they are still geographically close, is something important to me. Perhaps there’s a part of me that wants to compensate for the times when we should have had holidays that were more attuned with our desires and mindsets rather than simply appeasing the patriarchal figure. I know for sure that our Malaga holiday surpassed anything else we have ever done together. That’s because my sons are all adults now, we all understand one another and can accommodate one another’s idiosyncracies or passions.

Insha’Allah, as far as holidays go, I hope there will be more opportunities to escape reality like this. Malaga proved to me, in no uncertain terms, that I am living my best life yet. I am not deprived of happiness and adventure because of my divorce. Rather, I have ascended to a new level of each of those things because of it, Alhamdulillah.

Peace for Palestine

The Secret of Anti-Ageing

It is a fact that with age comes all the physical and visible signs of maturity. There’s no escaping them even with the subscriptions to the best vitamin supplements and the best names in make-up. It’s a process which is master over us and is a losing battle.

That being said, it’s not all doom and gloom. Ageing can be done gracefully and gratefully – something which I hope to grow more conscious of over time. Whilst on the exterior, there is no denying that I am no longer in my 20s or even 30s, I try not to let the emerging wrinkles, which will claim their permanent position on my face, take over my life. I want to embrace older age. I want to have that zest for life still. I want to celebrate my longevity.

The problem which I believe many of us women, in particular, have with ageing is that we are sold the lie that to be accepted or worthwhile, we must ‘look good’. There is too much focus on the outside, especially the face and, of course, the body. After all, this is the first point of reference for others. Society makes us feel less worthy if we do not constantly look for ways to reinvent ourselves to remain interesting. After all, this is arguably one of the reasons why so many men replace the older woman/wife in exchange for a fresher model.

Having had this silent rhetoric rammed down our throats our whole lives, there’s no surprise that the beauty industry has harnessed this vulnerability and caters so rigorously to essentially counter the betrayal felt by older women from society. Although I do like to dabble in make-up to help me look my best, I do this not because I have nothing else to be judged by. I would always want encounters with others to shift from their cursory focus on the outside to what lies underneath. I will not be duped by the covert marketing tactics of an insidious beauty industry that makes women constantly feel inadequate. There’s a hidden message in there somewhere which says, ‘your self-worth can only be measured by your outward appearance; that is the first thing to fix before we can look elsewhere.’

Although there is nothing inherently wrong in wanting to look nice superficially, it seems we live in a world where there is an obsessive and unhealthy desire to impress on that front. Just looking at the array of beauty products available now is testimony to that. I don’t recall growing up with so many different products for the face, most of which I wouldn’t even want to try! The attention has moved away from what’s on the inside and that’s a sad reflection of the state of society right now.

This is where I seek to make a conscious effort to demand to be acknowledged for the qualities within. The looks will fade and indeed they have already started to. Not that I have ever considered myself anything special (far from it). But I do know I have always wanted to stimulate my mind and likewise, I find an intellectual and adventurous mind alluring. Meeting people with whom I can hold interesting conversations gives me an energy which is incomparable to just looking at a pretty face. I love to engage with people who are pursuing new goals for themselves, who have a zest for life no matter what obstacles are in their way. That zest is accompanied with a deep gratitude for every minute they have been blessed with. They wouldn’t know what ‘killing time’ means for that pastime in and of itself, is a tragic state to be in. How bored or unambitious must a person be to simply want to ‘kill time’ as if it is something they have been given too much of and need to curtail? It’s a very odd expression.

The absolute antidote to ageing, in my opinion, is to seek new goals which stretch my abilities and to busy myself in them. It gives my life a sense of purpose. Inherent within that, is a sense of gratitude – gratitude for having the drive to want to forge ahead and seek new challenges and acccomplish more than I have already. In doing all this, I have found that this is driven by a need to nurture the soul and so the cycle continues. It’s a win-win situation. When the passion for life is driven by the need to work hard and to accumulate points in the balance of my good deeds, this will inevitably become incongruent with pursuing a shallow and baseless existence.

This disposition feeds into a happy state of mind and that happiness exudes in the way I interact with society. I can testify to that. In a recent blog, I mentioned that I will no longer be a slave to money worries -and I intend to keep my promise, inshaAllah. I want to see the duniya (world) for what it is – a mere stepping stone on the journey to the other side. Whilst I don’t reject partaking in some of the indulgences which I am permitted as a Muslim, I also want to continue trying my best to stay focussed on the real reason why I am even here in the first place.

In essence, I feel I have reached the pinnacle of my existence in terms of my health, happiness and state of my heart, Alhamdulillah. As I grow older and however long I have left, it is inevitable that I might succumb to more serious health concerns alongside other worries. My heart might waver as I struggle with my tests. That’s part and parcel of life. But right now, I don’t think life has ever been this good. That’s because I have a sense of peace within. I have accepted my lot, not in a way that I have begrudgingly given up but rather, knowing that Allah is – and always has been – in control and that He knows what is best for me.

***A Healthy Heart both Spiritually and Physically***

Like a Water-Lily

In trying to capture how I view life right now and my place in it, it occurred to me that the celebrated water-lily serves as a very good comparison.

Just Googling the meaning of ‘water-lily’ and I immediately can see the analogy to my life. It is a flower that rises out of the muddy waters (my past life) and gently floats on the water’s surface (taking my present existence in my stride). It has round leaves (yes, round is a fair description) and striking flowers (I sometimes succumb to vanity too – lol!).

Water lilies are important to their ecosystems (my family, namely my sons) and help to cover the water’s surface, keeping the water cooler (maintaining a home that is functioning well). They also contain the spread of algae. (Here, I compare this to my protective role as mother, keeping a vigilant eye out for anyone or anything that may attack my sons’ especially in their spiritual and emotional wellbeing.)

“They symbolize beauty, purity, and innocence, as they can rise above the murky waters without blemish. Water lilies represent the transcendence of the material world and purity in spite of the flower’s darker surroundings.” Need I say more?

Interesting analogy I think. I know many other women reading this, would be able to identify with the water-lily in the same way.

I pray that they all continue to blossom and know that they occupy a central place in that pond or lake and stake their claim to glory.

Note: Phrases and descriptions were borrowed from the link below:

https://a-z-animals.com/blog/water-lily-meaning-symbolism-and-proper-occasions/

Consistency or Adventure?

Some would argue that a predictable life is something to covet as it offers security in that plans can be made well ahead of time. Every stage of life is clearly and neatly mapped out. Part of that predictability is the foresight to include contigency plans for times when things may not go exactly the way we originally intended. Others would claim that this kind of life exudes a boring monotony and is too staid. There are no unforeseen challenges in which an individual can truly realise their untapped and hidden potential.

I fall into the latter group.

***Finding an Alternative Route to One’s Destination***

True, sudden diversions and roadblocks on the journey through life aren’t to be glamorised. They are more often than not, a great nuisance. However, that’s the initial gut reaction we have whilst going through the stress that such situations create. But once we plough through and come out the other end, we can sometimes look back, reflect and be grateful for the reinvented version of ourselves. For it is these very situations that make us mature, be appreciative and embolden us to face the next unprecedented circumstance with a confidence which was lacking before.

To take an example… A change in financial circumstances where we worry about how the next month’s bills will be paid, is one which many people are familiar with. I am no stranger to that scenario. For the last few years especially, where I have not had a husband to rely on for financial advice or decisions, I have had to learn to be confident in making independently bold choices about running a home myself. That burden has been on my shoulders alone (and still is). However, lately I have convinced myself (quite rightly) that I will no longer be mentally enslaved by money worries. After all, it is ruinous to my mental health and does no favours to my physical wellbeing too. What’s more, given I have managed to support myself and my sons thus far and we are still with a roof over our heads, I think that’s testimony enough that I have been successful in juggling my finances alone, Alhamdulillah. The experience has taught me more about myself – that I can do certain things if I trust my own abilities.

Having been abruptly placed in this new situation since 2016, I have had to learn how to stay afloat or risk sinking altogether. It unleashed within me a zeal to fight and regain control of my life. In the process, the self-discoveries showed me that nobody was worthy of being in possession of my happiness and that what I had gained was far more than what I had lost. I surprised myself and continue to do so. I value my independence too much now.

Even if I had the chance for an eternally predictable life, I would never have chosen to have become a Stepford wife. I don’t envy women who have lives of leisure, squandering both time and money. That existence is worthless. I guess such women would look at me in disdain and pity as I don’t have the ease they may enjoy. What I do have though, is self-respect and a dignity that refuses to accept that my lifestyle is totally dependent on the whims and demands of another human being… because sometimes that’s what a marriage becomes for many women: quietly disgruntled at the disproportionate service of a self-acclaimed superior other person.

I don’t hanker for unnecessary indulgence in material possessions, just enough to allow me some pleasures and ease in life. What is most satisfying is knowing that the comfort Allah has afforded me has been as a result of His generosity only. Part of that is that I have been able to earn the money that has paid for those things and am not indebted to any other human.

Whilst I don’t denounce marriage, I do understand that it isn’t the end game of life either. I threw that fairy tale in the bin not long after my own divorce. Looking back, I have discovered that my initial raw bitterness slowly gave way to acceptance and more recently, an inner celebration. That is no exaggeration. The last few years are analogous to the emergence of a beautiful butterfly from an unsightly caterpillar. I have evolved and come to love the life I have now, Alhamdulillah. As I always say, I am eternally grateful for being able to take care of myself financially and everything else. I’m now at a stage of life where I I can finally be unapologetically selfish and focus on me first. It’s not that I have rescinded the responsibilities that come with motherhood; they will never disappear. But my sons are now independent adults and so the degree to which I have to be involved with their lives has shifted dramatically.

Meanwhile, there is no search for a replacement husband as life would devolve into an uninspiring routine once again. I would rather maintain the status quo I have now and face uneventful days on my own in peace. In between, I can enjoy the company of a select few friends and family whenever I need stimulating company. Once my batteries have been recharged, I can unplug myself from everyone and continue as before till the next time. Marriage doesn’t offer that reprieve and I have no patience for that now.

The only consistency in life I crave now is adventure itself.

My Mother’s Footsteps

Looking at my elderly, octagenarian mother whose health has seemingly taken a downward turn in recent months, I reflect on many things and many years gone by.

Firstly, I think of the sacrifices she made to come to this country as a fresh-faced, naive yet optimistic young married woman, looking to start out a life in an alien place and as the wife of someone else. In the years that followed, she bore five children alongside the pressures of being a first-generation immigrant. She simultaneously bore the pressures of married life within the home. Enough said there.

Then there was the period of her life after divorce, raising the five of us on her own with no plan, no income and no support. Although she wasn’t one to sit down with us and take the pulse on our emotional wellbeing, I have always been in awe of her audacity to step out of a marriage that was no longer serving her best interests nor the best interests of us, her children. That is a brave thing for any mother to do and not least for a mother of that generation where the taboos surrounding divorce were more egregious.

I never really appreciated that humungous leap of faith that my own mother took all those years ago…

***Pausing to Reflect on a Job Done So Far***

Now, as a woman who has also experienced divorce and spent the last few years raising my own boys, I realise how the sacrifices of a mother can never be repaid – even moreso, as an individual parent. There are times when I have just been too busy to even step back and reflect on what I have achieved on my own until someone else comes along and remarks on the progress my sons and I have made collectively (and individually). I compare that feeling to painting a huge wall. When standing at one corner with brush in hand and focussing on that area, we never think of the entire wall until we reach the end and step back and admire the final result. Standing up close, we become so engrossed in small details that we lost sight of the overall complete project. And so it is that the day to day running of my home are the details and bricks that make up a larger wall. I’d like to think the painting of that wall is more or less complete since I’m getting ready to hand over the task to my sons soon, insha’Allah.

Unlike my own mother, I have always been more determined not to define my life through negative or seemingly sad events. That’s where she and I split roads. I have the strength to stand back and look in on my own life from the outside as an observer. I have been blessed by Allah to not be consumed by anger, fear or sadness, Alhamdulillah. If anything, I’ve always realised that I have been blessed with a precious opportunity to be the master of my own journey. I have been around several very strong Muslim women in the last few years who have inadvertently served as great inspirations just by having the chance to observe their own journey along the path of solo motherhood. We are apparently a growing species.

Although my own mother still measures her life through marriage and divorce, I am grateful even for that. Odd as it may seem, through her own life, she has shown me the pitfalls to avoid. Her rejection of society and feeling abandoned by everyone is a myth she created for herself. Of course, there have been people who have judged and continue to do so. But they are the detritus of society who, together with their aspersions, can be cast aside. Surrounding oneself with those who lift and build us is the only way to remain hopeful and positive. And Alhamdulillah, there are some good examples of such people still to be found.

Whilst my own mother would never be able to fathom my own sense of contentment and (dare I say it?) happiness, I don’t try to make her understand it. I know she is genuinely concerned for me especially given she also knows the reality is that she does not have long left in this duniya (world). No mother wants to depart leaving behind ‘children’ who are not totally settled (according to her definition of the word). No prizes for guessing what that would look like in her eyes.

The truth is, I no longer aspire to be settled and lay foundations anywhere. For years now, I’ve been thinking of my exit and mentally preparing for it. My sons have often spoken of their plans to take care of me especially if I live to a much older age but if I feel I couldn’t reciprocate my own mother as her daughter, then I expect even less of my sons despite their very genuine concerns.

The best I could hope for is that they continue to be decent human beings and earn respect and give respect to those around them. That would be one of the best ways they could ever pay me back.

***Foundations Not of a Bricks and Mortar Kind***

Addendum to a Post-Divorce Life

Many years ago, a younger me would never let another person to have had the last say in a dispute, especially when I felt I was unjustly dealt with. I would have dug my heels in and made sure they retreated only after I had been given the chance to explain the details of my version of the truth.

Now, in my later life, I don’t have time to waste. I take comfort knowing that Allah is always aware of my intentions and so I can spare myself a lot of energy and effort in trying to make the other party understand. I now choose to focus on things that really matter. Through it all, I have become a stickler for clear communication especially when receiving or conveying instructions. This is simply to avoid misunderstandings later on. However, there are others who are either inattentive or selective in their interpretation of things no matter how hard I try to explain it to them. Whatever their reason or motive, only Allah knows. But the unfortunate consequence is that such situations sour human relationships.

These days though, I have learnt to choose what battles I want to fight. In the last seven years since divorce, I have learnt invaluable life lessons which have shaped who I am today. I never actually believed my mindset could be refashioned or reconfigured at this late stage of my life but, I guess, until one is jostled by a huge trauma such as I was, there’s no telling what there is yet to learn about the world and moreso, about oneself.

The best part of it all, however, is that I choose to walk away feeling unfettered and liberated. It’s like coming out of a chokehold to breathe normally again. My stance now is to keep moving forward. As much as these type of encounteres or interactions are unpleasant, oddly enough, I’m grateful for the lessons they teach me. Because what emanates from it all are valuable insights into how to pre-empt such situations again and be prepared. It also shows me what I need to hold onto and what I need to let go.

What I have also refined is the ability not to be perturbed for long. I can walk away from situations where misunderstandings have occurred because I know it is not my sole mission in this life to be understood by everyone. Others would argue the same for themselves. And quite justifiably too. But the difference I feel now is that I have the maturity to let things go. Agree to disagree. My silence is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that I am comfortable with not having to prove myself to anyone any more.

This is, by far, the greatest lesson that divorce taught me: not to fight for the attention of anyone. Except myself. I foolishly expected my husband would stand by my side till my last breath. How wrong could I have been? And if he let me down, then why should I be surprised if anyone else does the same? That’s why I no longer expect anyone to be by my side forever. That is extremely naive and presumptuous. We are all dispensable. Nobody will ever come undone without the presence of another person. We have been created more resilient than that if only we dare to believe it. I have no illusions that in life and in death, there will be many that may rue my absence but only for a short while. Life will continue. I wouldn’t expect it not to anyway.

We come to this world alone and return alone. Everything and everyone else is incidental.

Consistency is Key

If there is anything I’ve learnt in life, it’s that to do a job well or to master something, we must persist at it. To give up to early, is to never know our full potential.

With all things big or small in my latter life, I strive to give it my best shot. I also know when to say ‘no’ to others as a way of protecting myself especially emotionally and even physically. After all, we know that the two are inextricably linked.

But despite knowing about the need for consistency, as a way to make positive gains over time, I have not been totally true to this principle. I need to work on it more.

So here goes…

Insha’Allah, I will endeavour to being more consistent with my exercise, my time spent reading books, my recitation of Quran and of course, this blog itself.

Standing Up for Justice

Remaining silent in a time when injustice is endemic around us is not something I think any normal person would tolerate. Right now, in the world there is a lot of injustice prevalent on a global scale, societal scale and individual scale too. Usually, when someone has been directly impacted because of an unjust decision, it makes them extra sensitive to see this kind of behaviour being meted out to others too on any scale. A normal reaction would be to intervene and not allow history to repeat itself.

As I write, Palestine is once again at the forefront of most people’s minds as they switch on the news. It remains the forefront of their minds even when they switch off the news. I no longer need to be bombarded with images, which, despite the plethora of them out there, have not made me feel numb to human wickedness. But seeing the injustice directed to the Palestinians on such an unashamedly grand scale, is simply too painful to watch. On the other hand, it is also not acceptable to pretend it does not affect us. If anything, I don’t wish to see any more disturbing images of horrific crimes simply to give those people dignity even though they don’t know me at all.

As a mother, I cannot be neutral. For one, I share the pain of all the mothers out there who are suffering and struggling just to survivve and live a normal life. I can’t choose to live in ignorance or turn a blind eye. That is not my style. As an Ummah (the collective body of people that follow Islam), if one of us hurts, the rest of us hurt too. With this in mind, I have consciously raised my sons to feel that connection to their brothers and sisters worldwide. The need to be empathetic is even more desperate now in an age where people are so consumed by their individualistic lifestyles and detached happy oblivion. A lot of people could quite easily function from within their four walls, never needing to step out into the real world and make meaningful connections. Life can be controlled on a mobile phone. Or is it that a mobile phone can control life? Sometimes, I wonder who or what is really in control.

To have raised young men who are conscious or their brethren and will strive to come of out their comfort zone to elevate the condition of another human, is something I feel very strongly about. There is nothing worse than a selfish person who is only seeking to better themselves without regard of or respect towards anything or anyone else around them. Inaction is as damaging as direct offensive action and for this reason, apathy will not do. It isn’t always about putting money into a donation box either. Attending a protest, as we did yesterday, was about giving up something of value to us (our time) and making our presence known in the wider world. It’s about recognising the tools within each of us to express our voices and, at the same time, be a representative of the Islamic faith. It is also about being in a constant state of gratitude for what we have compared to those who do not have. This is how we can restore a sense of justice in the world. Connecting to others, even across the miles, and helping to raise their status, is something I believe is a duty as a human. Even the largest oak tree started off as a humble seed. There is no telling how impactful our input can be.

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