mymotherhalf.com

A Good Read

It is a global tragedy that good old-fashioned books are anything but fashionable. Long gone are the days when we would find commuters with their noses buried in a book or newspaper, absorbed by the words which had the enviable ability to transport them to another place, far away from the monotony of their realities. The replacement of the mobile phone is the silent pandemic that has taken an unprecedented hold of the world’s population. With that is the lamentable loss of deep soul-searching through esoteric subjects inscribed on hard-copy pages. Instead, too many humans have become brain-dead robots mindlessly doom-scrolling through memes, reels and inconsequential feeds.

That’s why sitting on the Tube recently, watching commuters who have succumbed to their ”smart’ phones, was such a disappointing sight. They are all so engrossed in meaningless nonsense; I’m convinced the majority of material which is viewed on these journeys is stuff that could wait or simply isn’t important at all. It’s just a distraction from the boredom of looking around or daring to letting one’s imagination take hold and be transported to another fantastical realm. Since when did humans need to be ‘entertained’ constantly? Learning to live with boredom is a skill that is no longer honed.

***The Things We Miss when Doomscrolling***

Having owned a mobile phone for some years, I still refuse to sit on a train or in a car and be consumed by it. I only take my phone out of my bag if I receive a call or am expecting messages which need to be seen then and there. It’s not the easiest of tasks to refrain from but it is definitely achievable. I remind myself that I don’t want to succumb to that level of dependency or addiction to a device which I need to have control over and not vice-versa. Had I been someone who needed to make a regular commute on public transport, I know I would gladly allow myself to be absorbed into a book. That would be my reverie. The feeling of touching real tangible pages that can be turned with my fingers, that can even be smelled especially when that book is new, is something that no device can come close to replicating.

Strangely enough, when I was on the Tube this week, I did see a young man busy with a thick story book – a rare breed of his generation. It was a refreshing sight knowing that so many of his age would rather be wasting time on social media. It was a glimmer of hope that some people still will understand the distinct pleasure to be gained from a traditional read. I know generations before us would lament that we never knew the beauty of using a quill pen or reading from a scroll – each generation feels that sense of loss as new tools come to replace the old. However, there is no denying the irreversible changes that modern technology has brought upon us and many of them are destructive to our health, both mental and physical.

Perhaps I am demonising new technology too much. Perhaps I am romanticising life before the invention of the mobile phone as I know there are many advantages of technological advances. However, it seems that the nefarious uses of phones and computers have overtaken many of our lives. And I see the irony that I am writing my blog on a laptop which will be read online – exactly the format I would rather steer away from. Yet, I still aim to make reading from a traditional book a continuous part of my existence. It is a pastime that I have always cherished and an escapism which is unparalleled by other activities. I also believe it is a great way to offset dementia which is something that seems to be on the increase amongst older people. I am sure there is a direct correlation to online activities and many ailments which people suffer from now.

There is no doubt the internet is here to stay. But the same needs to be said more vociferously for the good old-fashioned book as well.

***Online or Old-fashioned?*** ***No Real Competition***

All the Reassurance I Need

There are times in life, when we plod along with the routine of things but, simultaneously, question the impact we are making with those actions. I am sure many people are familiar with that feeling.

In my role as private tutor for children preparing to enter the grammar school system in the UK, I act as mentor, teacher and sometimes even mother. There are so many layers to the personality I present when sat face-to-face with my students. Given they come with their own unique characters as well, I have learnt to adapt my teaching style to suit the individual needs of each of them. Doing this week after week, month after month – being the one who always tries to keep them propped up – can be quite draining on me. After all, sometimes it feels like a performance I have to deliver to get the best out of them! Towards the end of each academic year, I often feel exhausted having worn so many hats through the months leading up to the actual exam.

And then the kids go away, do their exams and a few weeks later I wait with baited breath for their results. In that time, I begin to doubt myself. I question whether I had given them all the correct tools to do well. “Did I go through all the topics thoroughly? Were there any issues I had not addressed well? Should they have done more preparation beforehand?” The list goes on…

Again, this year was no exception. However, Alhamdulillah, last week on results’ day, I received good news from all the parents, one by one. It was a truly self-gratifying moment and I could finally exhale with relief. Each student had done me proud not to mention themselves. To be honest, I can confidently say that I have a very good estimation of each student’s performance and my predictions are usually quite accurate. In fact, the one child this year I didn’t expect to make it through, despite my attempts, finally did pass which was a positive surprise. It is times like these, that I feel re-energised to go through the rounds once again and push forward with the next batch of children I have on my list.

Parents do express their gratitude for my guidance and input and although I know I try to go beyond what is expected of me, I do so because of a conscience that connects me to my Muslim identity – I am responsible for the children who I teach and want to imbue in them a thirst for knowledge and a self-confidence to seek their true potential. It was something I never was given myself as a child and I recall the frustration I felt. Although I am not bitter about it, I don’t wish to see opportunities wasted where they could be had for others.

With Allah’s help, I hope to continue to positively impact the lives of people I encounter in my daily interactions. Whether it be saying ‘hello‘ to that elderly neighbour who has not communicated with anyone for days, or helping someone believe in themselves in terms of their education, I know there is a higher purpose to living. I don’t need to be rich and/or famous to be able to do any of these things. All it takes is an altruistic mindset that believes in ‘enabling’ rather than ‘disabling’. It is also not about accolades from people although these are not unwelcome. Ultimately, the vote of confidence I always hope to achieve is with Allah.

Memories or Materials?

One of the advantages of being older is having greater wisdom. It isn’t always a guaranteed attribute a person accrues with age but it would be rather strange if it didn’t occur as well. I’d like to think I haven’t totally missed out on that score.

At this end of life, it becomes more evident that “less is more”. As people think of winding down and slowly letting go of their hold on the world, so the desire for material things diminishes. We realise that there is no need to accumulate stuff. A lot of it becomes a burden. In the pursuit of peace and contentment, we understand that having fewer possessions is synonymous with fewer worries. At least that’s my belief and nowadays I try to get rid of objects that serve me no true purpose. It leaves less to worry about and the sense of loss is subsequently also reduced.

I’ve always advocated a simpler life where if I can manage to pay my bills and live modestly but comfortably, then that suits me fine. Alhamdulillah, I am there now and have been for a while. No doubt, like all people, I’ve lived through some desperate times but have managed to pull through which is why I’ve learnt to ride the waves that come my way rather than be drowned by them.

I don’t covet to be part of the latest trend or object of material desire. I have accepted that there are some things in life that will always be beyond my reach and perhaps it’s better that way. Having them in my hands might just be the ruin of me in terms of my spiritual health. Instead of focussing my attention on those things, I now cherish meaningful moments I have with family and friends. The impact of those experiences is much deeper and longer-lasting. When a collection of photos appears on my phone, I smile as I relive those times with the people cloest to me. They are priceless! No material possession could ever compete with that kind of happiness.

My trip to Malaga earlier this year is a case in point. I had secretly vowed that one day I would take my sons on a trip somewhere to create memories for ourselves. It was just as I had hoped for…and more, Alhamdulillah. Each and every time I look back at the photos, I remember that we all had a fantastic time together. From the amazing Spanish churros dipped into steaming hot chocolate to our excitement at having completed the Caminito del Ray excursion, all were indescribably blissful moments to be treasured.

Then there are the many times I have met with my own sisters for breakfast, coffee or lunch be it at one of our homes or outside. Every occasion was wonderful and I know we all derived great pleasure in one another’s company. Again, perhaps it’s because we are all at the latter end of life and value these things more than before. Whatever the reason, it’s blindingly obvious that I would choose this life than to be lonely and yet have every material whim catered for.

And to be clear, it’s not that I do not succumb to material desires every now and then. That would be a disingenuous claim. Of course, I have wanted things and have followed those wishes through. However, I would consider myself neither extravagant nor miserly. I subscribe to the middle path which is the Sunnah (prophetic teachings) anyway. I don’t feign poverty nor a luxurious life. I believe this attitude has allowed me to live within my means and never overstretch nor deliberately inhibit myself. More importantly, it has freed up my mind to accommodate the memory of countless experiences, big and small, with the people who mean the most to me and without whom my life would have been void of any happiness.

***Places where Memories are Made and not Bought***

A Late Bloomer

There are plenty of examples of people who have overcome all sorts of hardships and obstacles to achieve what they have wanted to achieve albeit at a much advanced stage of life. I may be one of them.

Whilst there’s the opinion some hold to say, “What’s the point now?”, I know that life has taught me never to give up. Even if my dream is one of the last things I ever manage to do. As long as I have life, I have breath. And as long as I have breath, I have hope. Perhaps it’s an unashamed tenacity that quietly feeds my dreams. Whatever it may be, I’m glad it’s there because it’s the fuel that keeps propelling me forward. Whether I move in short bursts of action or large continuous strides, is not the point. The main thing is that I am moving.

With that in mind, I can now confirm that I am planning to go to Bosnia next month on a charity mission. This type of work has always been my lifelong dream. When my former role in the last charity I was involved with came to an abrupt end, I vowed I would keep searching for a new alternative. Alhamdulillah, an opportunity recently presented itself and the time was ripe for me to grasp it. I am excited yet nervous. The trip will only be for a few days but I hope its impact on me will a longlasting positive one, inshaAllah.

It needs to be said that, as a mother, I would not – and could not – ever take my finger off the pulse when it comes to what my sons are doing in their lives. I look forward to seeing them progress through life and achieving new goals all the time. However, I also realise that my own life is full of aspirations still and these should not be compromised wherever possible. I have reached a point where I can put myself first for a change and not feel guilty for doing so. Like so many women out there, I sacrificed the middle years of my life on a seemingly permanent ‘standby’ mode whilst busying myself in raising my family. No regrets there and it is a task for which the joy and reward are indescribable. But that phase of waiting for ‘my time’ has now passed and I can finally put thoughts into action.

InshaAllah, this upcoming mission to Bosnia will be the harbinger of change for me and a reassurance to myself that I still have something to offer the world, however modest that contribution may be. I know I am not indispensable; I don’t suffer delusions of grandeur on that score. But I want my life to have a greater richness other than just paying bills and surviving. I want to continue reaching into the depths of my soul and find material there that will take me closer to Allah with each step.

Feeling Unstuck

It’s been eight years since I had to restart life on my own with my sons. Unsurprisingly, the first couple of years (especially) were the hardest for obvious reasons. However, these days I feel that dark episode of my life is a distant memory, Alhamdulillah. I can confidently say that I am living my best life now. Unfettered by demands from another and what with my sons all being young adults carving out their own niches for themselves, a huge weight has shifted from my shoulders.

Whilst I still remain the captain of the ship in terms of household bills and chores, recently I have been able to delegate much more and hope to continue to do so, inshaAllah. This has helped release me from a prison mentality where I have been constantly fretting about my short-term priorities, especially financial stresses. Now that my sons are able to step up and help, I am able to enjoy some liberation.

It really is time for ME now.

With that mindset, last week I made an impromptu decision to visit Cheddar Gorge with my younger two sons. I have always loved ‘impromptu’ when it comes to travelling. To me, it speaks of adventure, determination and courage rather than brazen irresponsibility. It speaks of a free spiritedness which wants to seek opportunities in life and grab them before they disappear. Whilst careful planning is also to be commended, being predictable and calculated all the time can also be boring. It zaps the fun out of taking chances, heading into the unknown and just waiting to see what happens.

Anyway, I digress…

The gorge was stunning and the absolute silence we experienced whilst hiking was, in itself, captivating. Not a sound save the susurration of the trees and the occasional chirping of a bird. Views of the precipices all along the way reminded us of how many millena it must have taken for us to be able to casually walk in this setting. We were immersed in a scene of timeless beauty. It is these kind of experiences which are the perfect antidote for urban living. As I get older, I truly understand why people choose to retire to the countryside away from the chaos of the cities. I would never tire of seeing and hearing all that nature has to offer. But, for now, even a day trip to Cheddar was a welcome respite for us. The hike up to the top of the gorge and down, which had to be repeated to reach the opposite side, was in itself a wonderful alternative to a visit to the gym. The unspoilt nature in front of us was an incomparable upgrade.

These are kind of experiences I pray I continue to be part of. In these moments, my mind is uncluttered and I can exhale from the depths of my being. With that, comes a deep gratitude for being where I am in my life right now. I don’t depend on the whims of another person to determine how my day will turn out. I will never give in to that scenario again.

I request people looking in on my life not to feel pity. I am wholeheartedly at peace and have long accepted my lot. I continue to look forward to new milestones in my own life and that of my sons too, inshaAllah.

***Clifton Suspension Bridge – An Impromptu Stop***

Feeling Stuck

There come times in life when we all feel overwhelmed with a situation be it money, health, family or work etc. Like most people, I have had my fair share of such worries. At different points, one issue has dominated over others and yet they have all come to pass and abated, Alhamdulillah. But like most people too, I do succumb to worry even though I am aware that nothing is insurmountable without Allah’s help.

I say this and yet I am a contradiction within myself. Whilst I know Allah is always there to call upon, I still worry about things. At the moment, financial stress is at the forefront of my mind even though I have managed so long on my own and believe that, as long as I have my health, I will continue to do so, insha’Allah. That being said, sometimes things do come to a head and I feel I am being submerged under water and sinking fast. I know things aren’t that dire in reality but it’s a feeling I can’t easily shrug off.

Maybe my worry comes from being a somewhat careful planner; I have always planned long-term for things and try to factor in expected unexpectancies. The formula has served me well. It has kept me prepared and afloat thus far. Then there is the determination not to be complacent about life and think I can totally rely on anyone else to step in and take the helm. Whilst I will not stubbornly refuse help from those nearest to me, I don’t want to become dependent on that resource.

Relying on oneself imbues a feeling of self-respect and independence. Whilst there’s no shame in asking for help when needed, I have never been comfortable making that my default stance. I know my sons will not shirk their duty to me, as their mother, in terms of trying to reciprocate what I have done for them all their lives. However, although I would gladly accept their help in whatever ways they can, they also know I will do my best not to impinge on their own future plans.

I guess I am just vocalising my thoughts today as a release mechanism. Insha’Allah, I will be emerging from the bottleneck soon and will be able to exhale and inhale as normal soon.

A New Chapter

As my sons verge on the cusp of entering the world of work, this signals a change in my circumstances. No, I am not planning to hang up my own working gloves – they’re going to stay on for as long as I can. What this pending change means for me is that I can worry a little less about them now, insha’Allah. I can take my finger off the pulse somewhat and trust in Allah that He will guide them to a life of more independence.

Meanwhile, I envisage more freedom and time to focus on myself.

The last few years have seen a significant change for my sons. They are more or less their own persons now. I have been somewhat released from being the gatekeeper or guard of the house. Having grown-up young men around means they now share in household chores such as cooking meals or doing the grocery shopping. For the last few years, the tasks at home were solely my responsibility but nowadays I can delegate. Better still, on some occasions, my sons also volunteer and take charge of various jobs which would have otherwise been left to me as a default option. I will not hesitate to take them up on their offers.

***Waiting to Discover The Sky is the Limit***

Today, I experienced a small realisation of one of my son’s long-term dream: taking to the sky to fly. It was wonderful to watch him in the cockpit of a small plane, alongside the pilot, enjoying the adventure of flying. It was almost as much my dream as it was his. Today was a determining point in his life in which he would either confirm to himself his desire to pursue this quest to learn to fly planes or quielty resign. Alhamdulillah, he returned even more invigorated to keep going…

I’m excited for him and for the rest of my brood to realise their dreams not just for the sake of this duniya (world) where they will simply take and not reciprocate. I want to see that through their personal goals, they will find a way to serve humanity and leave an indelibly positive impact wherever they go. This is the legacy I want to see left behind, insha’Allah.

As a mother, I am eternally grateful that I have been able to witness all the milestones that my sons have reached. Their excitement is mine too. I hope this new chapter we have all entered will have pages filled by each of us in time to come. I pray the final book will be a success in every sense – a book a copy of which we will be proud to take to the other side of life, insha’Allah.

Converging Lives

***Interactions Long and Short but All Impactful***

For a world where we can live in relative harmony and to understand one another better, I am convinced that people need to connect and converse more. Bigotry and intolerance are invariably born out of ignorance and dogma. Although there should never be any compulsion to agree with the other side, or feel the need to shift allegiances, we should be respectfully tolerant of the other. This is a fundamental duty upon us all. We need to treat people how we expect to be treated ourselves.

All these thoughts have come about following a week or so of violent unrest in the UK recently. Ugly representations of a minority of racist thugs resurfaced across the country and many such as myself, were immediately catapulted to our childhood when racism was more rife and quite frankly, downright scary.

Recent events saddened me no end. If only people would take the time to get to know the other, they might see how much they misunderstand. Their preconceptions and misconceptions would undoubtedly be shaken. But without that bold move, they can justify the perpetuation of idiotic ideas.

***A Solution to Unite Different Sides***

In my own smaller sphere of life, from work to my social circle, I make a conscious effort to engage in dialogue with people who are very different from me, whether from a superficial perspective or otherwise. The impetus for that is because I want them to interact with me and therefore see all the things I represent – a Muslim, British older woman. Simply observing me from a distance without any direct interaction, is never going to allow others to make an informed decision of what they make of all the labels I represent. I welcome questions from others as it is an opportunity to educate them about myself.

Likewise, it’s equally important that I reciprocate and keep an open enquiring mind about anyone who is different from me, however that is measured. Bulldozing my way through life with a haughty, inflexible attitude is not conducive to character-building. I know that’s not my style anyway. I can recall so many conversations where I have been intrigued with the life experiences of someone else. Some of them have been fleeting encounters like a time when I took a three hour train ride to London and had a wonderful encounter with an English lady old enough to be my mother. We exchanged life stories and it was fascinating to hear about her own life. By the time we both stepped off the train in London, we smiled and hugged and then parted ways. Both of us had definitely left a lasting impression on the other.

Some life experiences with ‘different’ people have been more long-term but equally rewarding and invigorating. The commonality behind the differences is astounding and it proves we are all just humans vying for the same thing – our own safe sanctuary in this world whether in its literal sense or in terms of our emotional wellbeing. The hideous events of recent days only proves that there are, unfortunately, low-level humans who need a scapegoat to blame for their own failings. In doing so, they become blinded to reason and logic. Their loss.

I like to think of myself as a person of the world. I am not bound by geographical parameters. I have been imbued with the best of different cultures and am not dogmatically loyal to just one. It would surprise many when I say that Islam has provided the bedrock of a liberated mind. My own lived experiences in different continents, let alone countries, has been freeing as it has been enriching. I may not subscribe to other people’s ways but I am content to let them be as long as we agree to disagree. I would hope the same of them towards me.

What I do know is that is is extremely important for people’s lives to converge even if they touch momentarily and never meet again. Those encounters, however seemingly irrelevant, all work towards making us better educated and tolerant and humble.

Family Reunions

***Family Meals to Meet and Muse over***

Families come in so many different forms and sizes.

This weekend was all about coming together, both for short and longer term periods.

I went to collect my middle son from university which he has finally finished. So, for now, he is going to be at home with us whilst he makes plans for his future. As a mother, I am already enjoying having him back. For now, I have all my sons with me and I am relishing this time together as I am too aware that this status quo will be shortlived. They are all seeking their own paths and there is no knowing where each of those will take them.

I have also reached a point in my life where I can say I no longer feel the gap in our family structure. The absence of their father doesn’t feel like an absence any more. What I have now is already complete. Anyone else would be extraneous.

And so it was that yesterday, as we headed back towards London, we made our way to my sister’s house where we celebrated her 60th birthday. It was a day therefore, of more than a single milestone. I was celebrating my son’s return home and my sister’s life. Days like these are mixed with happy thoughts of the past and hopes for the future laden with optimism.

As an older person, I look on at life with a deep gratitude for just being here still and being able to partake in the lives of others and be a source of happiness or joy for them, however little or much. I am equally indebted to all those around me who have remained by my side through thick and thin.

Tomorrow is my own birthday. Another reason to rejoice at being alive and relatively well, Alhamdulillah. It’s not about throwing a party and having cake and candles. It is more about celebrating a life which has shown me great blessings and hoping that Allah is merciful towards me and my family always and continues to allow me the calm in my life to continue.

Marriage: To Arrange or Not?

As my sons move through their lives and complete different milestones, so too do they reach new ones ahead which are yet to be accomplished. Right now, I am waiting for them to secure jobs in their respective fields and then insha’Allah, further down the line, think about marriage. This seems to be the natural progression of life for many people.

The topic of marriage is one that I discuss with them every now and then even though there is no definitve plan for it now or even any potential partner lined up. It seems that I am jumping the gun or putting the cart before the horse. However, I also know that this isn’t something a person embarks upon in a flippant, unprepared moment. It takes months – if not years – of consideration. Given the profundity of this great chapter in life, I want to impart my own knowledge and experience to my sons so that they can be mentally prepared, if nothing else.

It might seem I would have only negative things to say about marriage given mine didn’t last till “death us do part.” But that couldn’t be further from the truth. There are still a lot of positive things to be said about two people coming together to create an amazingly beautiful new life if they care to work at it wholeheartedly. So, I take the benefit of my own past experiences – good and bad – and try to objectively relay them to my sons so that they avoid certain pitfalls or celebrate possible wins when it comes to their own life choices.

Whilst I’m always open to the idea of them finding their own marriage partner, I would still like to be able to express my opinion or share my advice when the time comes. This is because I know they themselves will not be able to see the wood for the trees once they are seriously interested in someone. “Love is blind” as the famous adage goes. There is definitely truth to that. It often takes an objective or outsider observation to be told if there are any red flags we should be aware of. Unfortunately, love per se will not conquer all. The reality is very different to the movies. So, it will need a level-headed other person to offer guidance from a rational mind.

There are real practical considerations to take into account when contemplating marriage and sometimes it’s these routine aspects of life that can make or break a situation. Take, for example, the question of, “Where to live?” Debates ensue between couples about proximity to each other’s respective families, or work, and this can even lead to a breaking point where the situation becomes untenable, emotions run high and the marriage suddenly is in turmoil. Love alone will not resolve the issue. This isn’t a fairy tale but real life. Of course, some of these sticky situations might arise long after two people get married and may not have presented themselves at the start. It’s impossible to predict the course of life. But having a few hypotheticals to consider before choosing to marry, would not go amiss. At least a person wouldn’t have entered the contract blindly.

This is where I feel I can help my sons look beyond what is immediately apparent when, or if, they ever have the chance to consider marriage. The benefit of hindsight is a great resource even if it is through my eyes. I will definitely have their best interests at heart – and even the interests of the person they wish to marry. After all, as a fellow female, I know only too well the sacrifices a woman is often ~~asked~~ expected to silently make when entering a marriage contract. There are unspoken codes which she bears with patience and resilience as she tows her husband’s line. It’s not that men don’t make sacrifices too but more often than not, the women forego much more. I believe this to be a universal truth which cuts across so many cultures, religions and societies.

When it comes to offering guidance for my own sons, I obviously am biased and want the best for them and their long-term goals. However, I feel I will be inclined to be partial to their prospective wives too simply because I know women usually quietly accept more than they care to admit for the sake of making the marriage a success. I’m sure I’ll find myself torn between loyalties to my sons and defendent for their wives. As leaders, men too often underestimate the willingness of their wives to go the extra mile (or miles and sometimes literally)! It’s these kind of conversations I engage with my sons so that they possess the acumen to understand a woman’s thought processes. Too many marriages fail because of a lack of communication. The reluctance to try and understand the other party is the root of all the problems. That’s my personal belief.

I also am thoroughly convinced that actions speak louder than words. So, at times when words can’t communicate ideas, I like to show those around me what I represent simply through the things I do, big or small. For example, washing dishes immediately after a meal is indicative of not procrastinating and wanting the house to be tidy at all times. It suggests wanting tasks to be done in a timely manner. On a bigger scale, organising a holiday abroad without relying on anyone to help, is my way of expressing independence. These examples and so many in-between are things my sons can take cues from. They show a woman’s ability and determination. And when I have my low moments, they will also see me at my worst and learn how to discern that state of mind and how to react. All this is invaluable experience for them even if just through observations.

Insha’Allah, my ultimate wish, like all mothers, is that together with their future wives, my sons will epitomise the example of harmony, peace and understanding between two people who are determined to make a success of their journey through life together. The only thing I hope to arrange for them is my presence and guidance all along the way till they reach their destination.

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