mymotherhalf.com

Hello Weekends

As I move through my life and so too, my latter years, I have made the decision to review my weekly routine. It was an inevitable decision that I knew I’d need to do one day. The surrender to work of what should have been my leisure time, was becoming more untenable with the passing of time. I realised that I couldn’t sacrifice my weekends any more. I couldn’t sacrifice my time for money. And for sure, I was not going to sacrifice my mental wellbeing for anything else any longer.

Alhamdulillah, this weekend was the last of many long weekends where I have had appointments to keep in terms of tuition. I have finally closed a chapter and look forward to reclaiming time for me. If this comes at a price financially, then so be it. The only calculation I’ve allowed for is the time I want back for me. The freedom I will earn is priceless; there is no monetary value that could be attached to it.

Whilst it would have been wonderful to be earning a much higher salary for the same amount of hours that I put in, in any given week, the reality is that the opportunities to climb the career ladder, have long since passed. In any case, I look forward to winding down and not being wound up. I have never coveted the accumulation of wealth. Rather, a lifestyle which affords me some comforts and the opportunity to travel a bit, is more than enough. Alhamdulillah, I can say that’s exactly what I have achieved and for that I am truly grateful. To have done all that on my own the last few years without any financial input from another person, is a badge I wear with a certain quiet pride. It’s only since my sons have entered employment that I can now take my finger off the pulse and relax somewhat.

As the time gap between my divorce and my present life widens, so too does the sense of acceptance and peace I derive from it. I have proven to myself that I can -and have-managed on my own financially and otherwise. Besides, I have never desired to marry again – the serenity I have discovered since being single is too good to exchange for anything or anyone else again. The only people who will ever have my undivided attention are my offspring.

I am excited for the period that awaits me. Insha’Allah, there will be more time to read books, travel, learn Quran and all the pursuits that I envisage will nourish my soul. Even those goals which involve my physical and mental wellbeing have always been ultimately to feed into my spiritual wellbeing.

Despite the everyday stresses and demands which I encounter, I retire to sleep every night with a genuine certitude that as long as every experience is rooted in gratitude, that in itself will sustain and propel me with a positivity for whatever lies ahead.

Friendships to Cherish

It’s a cheesy statement but I’ll say it anyway. “Good friends are hide to find.” As we sail the murky waters of life, we learn to steer our boat well and come through the tests and challenges that life throws at us. A lot of this couldn’t have been done without having been bolstered by good friends and their support, wisdom and guidance.

I had a quiet day today. But between the household chores and other things, I managed to escape and meet up with a couple of good friends. We have a lot of things in common, not least the fact that, as Muslim women, we have all raised our children on our own in the last few years. That special connection has helped forge a strong bond unlike any other. Despite our own very specific and individual circumstances, there is still a lot we can relate to when the other shares their story. And because of that, providing a source of support comes easy.

I cherish such friendship. It is an asset which is priceless and incomparable to anything else. After blood ties, it is the next level of human connection that most of us desire. I would say it is arguably of more value than a spouse whose love and affection can be – and often is – conditional. True friends don’t seek recompense except to be reciprocated with time, advice and support in equal measure. There is no monetary tag or payment of a tangible kind that is expected. Whatever is on offer, comes from the heart.

So, going back to today, sitting on a park bench with two dear friends, and discussing our past, present and future, and all that those things entail, was a great cathartic exercise. Allah has truly favoured me with such people in my life. I hope they view me in much the same way, insha’Allah. I have never been one to do all the taking and no giving.

There are many things I wish to be rid of at this stage of my life, namely irrelevant material things. I can say that I have already learnt to let go of those who purport to be of value to me but have nothing really to add to my life. They have already been offloaded and I have now been left with a comfortable core circle of friends.

Insha’Allah, I look forward to good conversation and laughter over cups of tea and coffee with the few remaining special people in my life and with whatever time I have been gifted with.

Catching Up with Now

I have made promises in recent months, and even years, to not allow myself to be held back by the past. I will not let those dark days cast a shadow over my life now. Alhamdulillah, for the most part, that is exactly what has happened. Things are moving forward and I eagerly anticipate all the milestones, small or large, in my own life or my sons’, as an incentive to live.

One of the many things I have always wanted to do is to make my home more of a home despite not owning the property I live in. That factor in itself has often been a deterrent to do more than the bare minimum to make a place liveable. Yes, I have painted rooms but always hesitated to put more of a personal stamp on the place knowing that I could be asked to leave at any time. The idea of living on edge isn’t a comfortable one, for obvious reasons. But lately, I’ve questioned my own mindset on this score. I’ve told myself to be more in the present and enjoy a modicum of pleasure in my own space. In that vein, I recently rolled up my sleeves and painted walls and changed the ascetics in my living room and kitchen.

The result is not just one that is pleasing to the eye in terms of a fresh look and upgrade. It has also lifted my spirits unequivocally. Seeing a project come into fruition with one’s own labour and investment is truly a wonderful achievement. I feel I have come into the present and started living properly. After all, why shouldn’t I be entitled to a few of life’s pleasures?

With my thoughts still very much locked into the mode that I have even less finite time left in this duniya (world), I have now made it even more of a mission to allow myself this small gratification.

The upgrade of the living room and kitchen in recent days has given me a sense of peace and calm. I am simply pleased to be at home and move between rooms without feeling agitated or uncomfortable. Changing the ascetics of the place has been so crucial to my own mental wellbeing. Having a home which exudes a fresh look and is no longer tired helps me reciprocate that sense of newness and rejuvenation. It has imbued an exhiliration within me – a renewed zest to pursue dreams and make them transform into reality.

Alhamulillah, for having the courage to fight the mental lethargy in me that threatens to thwart any desire to carry on. I can see, time and again, through different goals I have set myself, that that way of living will simply not do.

Lessons from My Mother

Looking back at my own mother’s life, I wonder about the parallels between mine and hers. In all honesty, the only thing we have in common is that we were both divorced in our 40s.

Of course, we share other things in common given the common blood that runs in our veins. However, whereas my mother surrendered to a life of self-enforced stigma as a woman who was without her husband, I decided to take control of mine and make my situation work in my favour. I don’t have any ill feelings towards how my mother decided to handle her life. After all, she is of a generation which taught her that a husband was the focal point of woman’s existence and purpose. Without him, a woman has no reason to continue to live or hope of achieving anything of real value in her own right. For anyone who subscribes to that mentality though, I feel a deep sadness. I wish my mother hadn’t wasted so much time imagining scenarios about how others perceived her or how she had, indeed, perceived them. Her self-worth diminished overnight as a single parent.

Having the benefit of being an observor, I looked to my mother to understand exactly how not to live my own life as a divorced woman. And so, ironically, I am grateful to her for showing me what pitfalls to avoid – even though she is unaware of this inadvertently edifying role that she has taken on over the last few years. I refuse to not be counted in the world and take my rightful place on its stage. I demand to be respected as an individual in my own right. I also expect not be judged against the backdrop of my divorce. I have had to fight for these things in ways which haven’t always had me shouting at the top of my voice. It’s been more of a quiet defiance that penetrates through any kind of cultural nonsense.

I know that Allah chose me to live this life because He knew I could take it in my stride, Alhamdulillah. Where I have suffered losses, I have also made huge gains some of which have more than compensated for those losses. I still have bouts of sadness where I wish things hadn’t come to this; where I wished my marriage had stood the test of time if only because the father of my sons would have experienced first-hand all the successes that they have scored and the wonderful, joyful moments along the way. He truly missed out never having known their idiosyncrocies or their strengths and true personalities as they evolved. Alhamdulillah, I have been there all along the way and rarely missed a thing. It has been a true honour and privilege that Allah has allowed me to experience single-handedly. Through it all, I have come to learn more about myself in these last few years than ever before – and I would never have known my true potential had these exact circumstances not presented themselves.

My mother, with her fixation on the past, as if the clock stopped ticking with the end of her marraige, is the antithetical model for my own life. And I mean that with respect and not any anger towards her. I understand her position, shaped by her cultural upbringing. But a generation between us caused a seismic paradigm shift in our mentalities. I do think I have the better outlook on life because I haven’t given up on it. Instead, I have embraced every part and tried to squeeze from it what I can. Not just for the sake of this existence but moreso, for what I can take when I walk through the exit door of this duniya (world).

No More Long-Term

***Small Steps Within Realistic Plans***

It’s a stark reality for me that I can no longer think of a whole life ahead as I would have done when in my 20s. Those days have long since passed. I now see life in shorter bursts or phases. No doubt, having lived the majority of my years on this Earth, I tell myself that any plans I have must be the type that I can realistically envisage happening and not within a time-scale which makes it near impossible to execute.

I define ‘long-term’ as anything in excess of 5-10 years. Of course, like everyone else, I have no way of knowing how long I have left in this duniya. But, if I live an average lifespan of about 70 years or so, then I need to make bitesize plans from now onwards. The time to buy a house, climb higher on that career ladder or get (re)married, are all aspirations that have evaporated or never even figured in my mind. I am genuinely content going from day to day, month to month, knowing that I still have a roof over my head, food to survive and good health, Alhamdulillah. That’s not even including all the other blessings in between.

Aspirations of a prodigious scale now belong to the generation after me, namely, my sons. I look forward to seeing them develop and grow in more ways than one: not just in their careers and income, not just in their professional and personal lives but especially in their love for Islam and the desire to keep themselves rooted in it through life no matter what comes their way, good or bad, insha’Allah.

As my grip or desire for the adornments of this world diminishes, it’s interesting to partake in conversations with my sons and listen to their own plans and goals, so opposite to where I am in life now. Not that I would want it any other way! They are on the cusp of exciting times and have every right to look forward to new horizons and chapters in their own book. Whilst my own story will always be closely intertwined with theirs, there is more room now these days to reflect on my life without any other characters in it. I view it as moving into a soliloquy or a healthy detachment whereby I no longer unleash into a zone of uncontrollable emotions. It’s about having a reasonable balance of mind and understanding that the vicissitudes of life are always nearby.

I’m at peace within myself, Alhamdulillah. The peaks and troughs in my emotional state are less volatile and more stable. People, especially, no longer own my disposition. Of course, there are so many hypothetical scenarios I can ensivage, such as ill health or loss of a loved one, which would send me into a kind of hysteria but I don’t claim to be a saint. I am a work in progress. If a day or week goes by without any major drama, then I am grateful. It’s more than I can wish for in a world full of unspeakable turmoil and a loss of basic human decency and compassion.

Racing Against Time

When someone thinks of that slogan, they’d be forgiven for assuming it’s about all the things they need to accomplish before a certain deadline. That is absolutely true. However, the kind of goals that most people in today’s world are chasing after are those that only serve the physical self in this temporal existence, be that an appetite for food, travel, money or even carnal desires. How many people think of the achievements they need to be seeking in preparation of what lies on the other side of life? How many people even think there is another realm after this one?

***Connecting the Worldly to the Spiritual***

I know that with age comes a heightened awareness of my own mortality and therefore a need to make everything I do connected to a spiritual dimension. This can be from the food I eat to the exercise I do and even the places I aim to see in the world. A consciousness of Allah and His intervention and design in all the plans I have, big or small, is what dictates the decisions I make. And yet I do falter. I am not infallible and sometimes my radar fails to direct me to what may be best for me at that time.

The irony of being in the latter stage of life is that, on the one hand, I want to wind down and take it easier than I have been lately. So, I’d love to reduce my working hours and have more time to spend in doing leisurely things. However, I know that having more time is not nececessarily conducive to doing more with it. Usually, the opposite happens. On the other hand, being older makes me feel more energised to do more with the finite time I have left. That contradiction within is a battle I silently wage every day but the latter situation always wins. My inherent disposition has always been to grab the chances that life offers and not miss the opportunity to do more and be more. And so, whilst I have to acknowledge the bodily changes that come with ageing, I will not succumb to a humdrum life for as long as I can keep going, insha’Allah.

2025 has been a year of many blessings, as have the years prior to it. However, for the first time I sense that bigger things are on the cusp of the horizon. Different things that I have never tried before. If I ever live to accomplish them, I will write about them here insha’Allah. And even if none of them ever materialise, I will know it wasn’t for want of trying. There is no shame in saying that things didn’t work out especially if I know I tried.

Concurrent to this, I feel my conversations with Allah have recently become even more personal – as if hearing my own thoughts are drowning out the voices of everyone else around me. I know that people will flit in and out of my life and that’s OK. Ultimately, it’s about what Allah wants from me and I am trying to respond to His demands in whichever capacity I can. I see life as one big waiting room and in that people will come, sit and then leave and others will come and take their place. And so the cycle continues. I need to remain focussed on my mission and not get distracted by the characters in the room. They are all ephemeral actors in my life like I am in theirs.

This way of thinking has liberated me in many untold ways. It is what gives me great hope that my last years in this world won’t necessarily be ridden with misery. They might just be the best years yet as long as I have my health and imaan insha’Allah. I move forward with a deep gratitude and a sense of anticipation not for what life will offer me but for what I can offer myself in my own life.

Self-Confidence in Phases

When I look back on my life, I can see that as I evolved from childhood to mature adulthood, there have been bouts of self-confidence that have also come in different bursts or phases. There have been different circumstances that have leant themselves to this change over time and so much so that I sometimes wonder how a person can even experience such a seismic shift over time.

My childhood wasn’t an easy one and I was forced to bear the labels attached to me by others which made reference to my outer appearance and rendered me diffident and shy and very self-conscious. I hated attention. In that slipstream of negative comments callously dispensed by others, (especilly adults), I grew to love my education and found comfort in books and reading. At least, that’s my analysis of things.

However, it wasn’t until much later, by the time I entered university, that I had begun my journey of self-discovery and seeking a niche to call my own. My education helped me find a voice and moreso, a purpose to life. I realised that my status and worth were not inextricably linked to the perceptions others had of me. This was the beginning of a form of self-confidence that was unshakable. I was moving in different circles with people who showed me that the world did not think in a uniformly unbearable way; that people would respect the person within and not stop short at the outside – as if that outside were something reprehensible anyway.

Fast forward a few years and by my latter twenties, I had discovered an even stronger self- confidence that was deeply embedded in my Muslim identity. It removed the need to seek validation from people who couldn’t see my worth – ironically sometimes Muslims themselves! I knew who I was and was finding a renewed comfort in my own skin. It was a liberation. No longer was I a slave to others’ conditions or standards.

Now, many years later as I settle into my older age, I have acquired a confidence that has come about from a complex combination of so many different aspects of my life. The Muslim identity is still an unbreakable bedrock, Alhamdulillah. But added to that, is the experiences that I have encountered or endured in recent years that I have had to contend with alone. Having to fight my own corner, without the benefit of the support of a spouse, has made me self-reliant. I’ve had to trust my own judgement and surge ahead. That’s not to say I’ve not made mistakes but I have not had the luxury of waiting for approval or reassurance from a trusted partner. Inevitably, it has shaped my personality and interestingly, I realise that my personality isn’t a static thing even at a much older age.

So, I return to my premise upon which this blog is based: that self-confidence itself is an evolving thing. Life’s events and circumstances definitely play a crucial part. They can either make or break a person. Alhamdulillah, I chose to fight. I do believe the innate desire to do so had to be there in the first place and I recognised that and chose to build on it.

In an ideal world. I would hope those who have suffered injustices at the hands of others, would eventually find their way onto a new plain whereby they will exist on their own terms and with all the confidence to hold their head up high. I understand personality is a very fluid thing, shaped by interactions with others and more. It would be such a shame to not claim the beautiful things that life has to offer and let them slip through our fingers. I’ve learnt that I have every right to be here and stake my claim as much as the next person.

Half of My Life

***Sunsets to be Followed by a New Dawn***

Earlier this week, I reached a bittersweet and poignant point in my life.

I realised that exactly half my life ago, I was embarking on a new chapter called ‘Marriage’. It didn’t last as long as I had expected to which, to be honest, I always imagined would be till the day either my husband or I died, whoever would depart first. Seems the departure would be in a form I had never imagined.

There have definitely been many, many highs since that fateful day when I was asked to leave. I have had precious moments with my sons and through the difficult days, we have come through stronger and more determined. There remains in all of us a desire to accomplish so much more yet that life has to offer. Alhamdulillah, in many ways our silver lining has dwarfed the cloud that it contained. What remains of that cloud is just a few wisps rather than a ominous burden casting its shadow from above. I’d like to believe that my sons’ own resilience has partly come from observing my own. If there’s anything I’ve learned, ironically from the time I entered my marriage, where I was met by resistance from my family, to the time I exited it, was that I would shake off the dust and stand up ~~tall~~ taller.

The poignant memories will always be there. I’ve told myself not to bother fight them. It’s part and parcel of being human. However, there’s a lid on them now where they aren’t allowed to overspill into my current life. They are very much contained and without much effort either. As the distance between my past and present increases, so too does my sadness. Allah has blessed me with more than what I lost, Alhamdulillah.

I recall when my sons had all moved on from school and into university, there was a liberation for me as a mother. It was less about overseeing their practical and academic matters than it was about overseeing their emotional wellbeing. Not to say that this was easy either. However, they were negotiating adulthood and now that they are established in the world of work, I see that the tables have turned. It is them now taking care of me more and trying to reciprocate in ways they can for the care I bestowed upon them. Alhamdulillah, for the benefits of sabr (patience). These days, I love spending time with them either all together or individually and being able to talk on a level where we all respect and listen to the other’s opinions, advice and thoughts. They are very much my confidants and I theirs.

None of these developments and dynamics may have happened if the status quo of nine years ago had remained.

But now I’ve entered an even newer phase. I am feeling this latter part of my life is going to be about all the things I put off whilst everyone else came first. Isn’t that the narrative of every normal mother? I guess I’m no different to so many self-sacrificing mothers out there. But I don’t just dream about days out with my girlfriends and family. want to make it about my solo adventures whether that be in a literal or spiritual sense.I want to breathe life into the soul within – a part of which has been waiting for someone to reach for the bellows and revive. That someone can only be me. Insha’Allah, there continues to be progress on this score. I am excited for whatever time is left of my life. I live with hope for the things I hope to achieve and for what I wish to see my sons’ achieve.

Whilst I mark this week looking back at the halfway point of my life so far, I also have faith that the latter years will be the ones that supercede the earlier ones in terms of cumulative happiness, fulfilment and spiritual growth, insha’Allah.

Letting Go of Ego

Without a doubt, one of the hardest things to do…

This is a lesson that takes years to accomplish and one I have been grappling with recently in a very personal way. I wonder if I can even claim to have succeeded? Like all humans, I sometimes suffer from puffed up pride – that feeling of being or having better than others. It very surreptitiously finds its way back into my mind and I am only aware of it once it’s too late. Not something to be proud of.

Recently though, and especially in the last few days, I found myself thrown into a situation where I had to take a deep, long look at what was within my mind. I had to be objectively self-critical and question my own thoughts and decisions. Why had they arisen? Who or what was fuelling them to persist? How could I thwart them? In the past, where there have been times I have felt slighted, I have asked Allah for retribution. It is not that I wish upon someone a calamity or misfortune. Moreso, I fear that there will be worse ramifications in the form of Allah’s wrath if I play out satisfying scenarios in my head. Had I not had any God-consciousness, I would have unleashed my anger, pain and sorrow very visibly towards those who instigated those emotions in the first place.

However, time is a healer and age does bring wisdom. I have become less perturbed and more mellow. I know better than to flog a dead horse. Investing energy where nothing will change is a futile task. The past cannot be undone. I know I’m better off focussing on future goals. I have also come to realise that Allah’s divine plan isn’t one for questioning. If I truly trust my affairs to Him, I should simply go with the flow. That isn’t the same as being weak – as if I have allowed myself to be pulverised into a pulp and have no right to stand up for myself. It’s more about recognising that, however my life plays out, that I am exactly where Allah destined me to be at that time. There is no escaping that truism. That understanding is a strength, not a weakness.

To respond to what life has thrown at me, without a kneejerk reaction, is the same as learning to suppress the ego – that insidious part of my core that threatens to erupt at any time without check. I remind myself to mentally step outside of my being and understand that life itself is just a temporary stop on the greater journey that I’m on. When all is said and done, the hurt to my pride or the injustices I feel people have inflicted on me will no longer matter once I have moved on to the next realm. I’ve resolved not to squander my life away seeking reparations. I think I’m beginning to understand how forgiveness of the other actually does have a positive impact on my own wellbeing. Like how a sick person needs to sometimes take a bitter pill to feel better, so too must I delve deep into some darker parts of my being to purge myself. The result is: I feel lighter, content, happy, relieved, free and determined. The victory is mine.

Whilst it’s been necessary to take some steps backwards to confront the more unsavoury elements of my own being, the overall direction has only been forwards. I am not stagnant. I am constantly moving onwards and upwards, Alhamdulillah.

Wheels in Motion

Although I haven’t yet fully executed some of the plans I have for my future, in recent days and weeks, I feel that I have at least geared my mental state up and am taking tentative, exploratory steps, insha’Allah.

I don’t wish to elaborate on details for fear that none of them will materialise or that I may cast an evil eye on myself. However, being in that positive mindset in and of itself is a sure way to get the ball rolling. The wheels are turning…

Having returned this weekend after staying with a good friend and savouring the time together to share past memories and future plans, I feel revitalised. It was the reaffirmation I needed – to hear myself say out loud what I envisage for myself in time to come and not have someone tell me that I have gone insane.

Whilst many women my age lament on their stagnating marriages or the wish to be married at all, I have left that conversation behind. I have long realised that I have to deal with the cards Allah has put in my hand and not what I don’t have within my grasp. I do see myself living the rest of my days out as a single person. That isn’t a cry for pity. It’s simply a statement of truth. But it isn’t, by the same token, a sorry state of affairs. I have understood the assignment and hope to pass with flying colours, insha’Allah.

I intend to harness my freedom and use it to my advantage. To be honest, I have been doing that already. But I plan to step out of my comfort zone even more and push myself to new limits. Whether this be in terms of work, hobbies or other interests, I will not let my age be a limiting factor. Too often, in their latter years, people feel they should naturally restrict themselves to whatever they have been used to without daring to try something new or different. I am excited to push the bar higher!

I have already ticked some boxes in my own latter years – climbing Snowdon, a charity trip to Bosnia, serving as a Trustee in another charity and visiting projects in Turkey as a result, holidays and day trips with my sons and not least travelling to Shanghai – something I didn’t even dare to dream of doing in my lifetime! Alhamdulillah for all of that and more. However, as much as I have taken from the world, I wish to continue to reciprocate and give back. I understand I am only one person and as such, my contribution to this world may not be huge at all. But insha’Allah, it will be fruitful and productive and spiritually uplifting. My soul shouldn’t die before its time is due to expire. I will continue to search for meaning in this life and embrace what life has to offer me. For me, that can only truly be found by asking myself what my relationship with my Creator is.

This weekend, sitting with my friend and chatting about so much we have in common and feeling understood by the other, is something I will cherish. Smaller components of a larger machine are all vital to reaching a target. Likewise, meetings with individuals are occasions which shape our view of the world and ourselves and help us navigate our own purpose in the grand scheme of things.

Insha’Allah, I hope new fulfilled dreams are on the horizon.

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