mymotherhalf.com

Feeling Unstuck

It’s been eight years since I had to restart life on my own with my sons. Unsurprisingly, the first couple of years (especially) were the hardest for obvious reasons. However, these days I feel that dark episode of my life is a distant memory, Alhamdulillah. I can confidently say that I am living my best life now. Unfettered by demands from another and what with my sons all being young adults carving out their own niches for themselves, a huge weight has shifted from my shoulders.

Whilst I still remain the captain of the ship in terms of household bills and chores, recently I have been able to delegate much more and hope to continue to do so, inshaAllah. This has helped release me from a prison mentality where I have been constantly fretting about my short-term priorities, especially financial stresses. Now that my sons are able to step up and help, I am able to enjoy some liberation.

It really is time for ME now.

With that mindset, last week I made an impromptu decision to visit Cheddar Gorge with my younger two sons. I have always loved ‘impromptu’ when it comes to travelling. To me, it speaks of adventure, determination and courage rather than brazen irresponsibility. It speaks of a free spiritedness which wants to seek opportunities in life and grab them before they disappear. Whilst careful planning is also to be commended, being predictable and calculated all the time can also be boring. It zaps the fun out of taking chances, heading into the unknown and just waiting to see what happens.

Anyway, I digress…

The gorge was stunning and the absolute silence we experienced whilst hiking was, in itself, captivating. Not a sound save the susurration of the trees and the occasional chirping of a bird. Views of the precipices all along the way reminded us of how many millena it must have taken for us to be able to casually walk in this setting. We were immersed in a scene of timeless beauty. It is these kind of experiences which are the perfect antidote for urban living. As I get older, I truly understand why people choose to retire to the countryside away from the chaos of the cities. I would never tire of seeing and hearing all that nature has to offer. But, for now, even a day trip to Cheddar was a welcome respite for us. The hike up to the top of the gorge and down, which had to be repeated to reach the opposite side, was in itself a wonderful alternative to a visit to the gym. The unspoilt nature in front of us was an incomparable upgrade.

These are kind of experiences I pray I continue to be part of. In these moments, my mind is uncluttered and I can exhale from the depths of my being. With that, comes a deep gratitude for being where I am in my life right now. I don’t depend on the whims of another person to determine how my day will turn out. I will never give in to that scenario again.

I request people looking in on my life not to feel pity. I am wholeheartedly at peace and have long accepted my lot. I continue to look forward to new milestones in my own life and that of my sons too, inshaAllah.

***Clifton Suspension Bridge – An Impromptu Stop***

Feeling Stuck

There come times in life when we all feel overwhelmed with a situation be it money, health, family or work etc. Like most people, I have had my fair share of such worries. At different points, one issue has dominated over others and yet they have all come to pass and abated, Alhamdulillah. But like most people too, I do succumb to worry even though I am aware that nothing is insurmountable without Allah’s help.

I say this and yet I am a contradiction within myself. Whilst I know Allah is always there to call upon, I still worry about things. At the moment, financial stress is at the forefront of my mind even though I have managed so long on my own and believe that, as long as I have my health, I will continue to do so, insha’Allah. That being said, sometimes things do come to a head and I feel I am being submerged under water and sinking fast. I know things aren’t that dire in reality but it’s a feeling I can’t easily shrug off.

Maybe my worry comes from being a somewhat careful planner; I have always planned long-term for things and try to factor in expected unexpectancies. The formula has served me well. It has kept me prepared and afloat thus far. Then there is the determination not to be complacent about life and think I can totally rely on anyone else to step in and take the helm. Whilst I will not stubbornly refuse help from those nearest to me, I don’t want to become dependent on that resource.

Relying on oneself imbues a feeling of self-respect and independence. Whilst there’s no shame in asking for help when needed, I have never been comfortable making that my default stance. I know my sons will not shirk their duty to me, as their mother, in terms of trying to reciprocate what I have done for them all their lives. However, although I would gladly accept their help in whatever ways they can, they also know I will do my best not to impinge on their own future plans.

I guess I am just vocalising my thoughts today as a release mechanism. Insha’Allah, I will be emerging from the bottleneck soon and will be able to exhale and inhale as normal soon.

A New Chapter

As my sons verge on the cusp of entering the world of work, this signals a change in my circumstances. No, I am not planning to hang up my own working gloves – they’re going to stay on for as long as I can. What this pending change means for me is that I can worry a little less about them now, insha’Allah. I can take my finger off the pulse somewhat and trust in Allah that He will guide them to a life of more independence.

Meanwhile, I envisage more freedom and time to focus on myself.

The last few years have seen a significant change for my sons. They are more or less their own persons now. I have been somewhat released from being the gatekeeper or guard of the house. Having grown-up young men around means they now share in household chores such as cooking meals or doing the grocery shopping. For the last few years, the tasks at home were solely my responsibility but nowadays I can delegate. Better still, on some occasions, my sons also volunteer and take charge of various jobs which would have otherwise been left to me as a default option. I will not hesitate to take them up on their offers.

***Waiting to Discover The Sky is the Limit***

Today, I experienced a small realisation of one of my son’s long-term dream: taking to the sky to fly. It was wonderful to watch him in the cockpit of a small plane, alongside the pilot, enjoying the adventure of flying. It was almost as much my dream as it was his. Today was a determining point in his life in which he would either confirm to himself his desire to pursue this quest to learn to fly planes or quielty resign. Alhamdulillah, he returned even more invigorated to keep going…

I’m excited for him and for the rest of my brood to realise their dreams not just for the sake of this duniya (world) where they will simply take and not reciprocate. I want to see that through their personal goals, they will find a way to serve humanity and leave an indelibly positive impact wherever they go. This is the legacy I want to see left behind, insha’Allah.

As a mother, I am eternally grateful that I have been able to witness all the milestones that my sons have reached. Their excitement is mine too. I hope this new chapter we have all entered will have pages filled by each of us in time to come. I pray the final book will be a success in every sense – a book a copy of which we will be proud to take to the other side of life, insha’Allah.

Converging Lives

***Interactions Long and Short but All Impactful***

For a world where we can live in relative harmony and to understand one another better, I am convinced that people need to connect and converse more. Bigotry and intolerance are invariably born out of ignorance and dogma. Although there should never be any compulsion to agree with the other side, or feel the need to shift allegiances, we should be respectfully tolerant of the other. This is a fundamental duty upon us all. We need to treat people how we expect to be treated ourselves.

All these thoughts have come about following a week or so of violent unrest in the UK recently. Ugly representations of a minority of racist thugs resurfaced across the country and many such as myself, were immediately catapulted to our childhood when racism was more rife and quite frankly, downright scary.

Recent events saddened me no end. If only people would take the time to get to know the other, they might see how much they misunderstand. Their preconceptions and misconceptions would undoubtedly be shaken. But without that bold move, they can justify the perpetuation of idiotic ideas.

***A Solution to Unite Different Sides***

In my own smaller sphere of life, from work to my social circle, I make a conscious effort to engage in dialogue with people who are very different from me, whether from a superficial perspective or otherwise. The impetus for that is because I want them to interact with me and therefore see all the things I represent – a Muslim, British older woman. Simply observing me from a distance without any direct interaction, is never going to allow others to make an informed decision of what they make of all the labels I represent. I welcome questions from others as it is an opportunity to educate them about myself.

Likewise, it’s equally important that I reciprocate and keep an open enquiring mind about anyone who is different from me, however that is measured. Bulldozing my way through life with a haughty, inflexible attitude is not conducive to character-building. I know that’s not my style anyway. I can recall so many conversations where I have been intrigued with the life experiences of someone else. Some of them have been fleeting encounters like a time when I took a three hour train ride to London and had a wonderful encounter with an English lady old enough to be my mother. We exchanged life stories and it was fascinating to hear about her own life. By the time we both stepped off the train in London, we smiled and hugged and then parted ways. Both of us had definitely left a lasting impression on the other.

Some life experiences with ‘different’ people have been more long-term but equally rewarding and invigorating. The commonality behind the differences is astounding and it proves we are all just humans vying for the same thing – our own safe sanctuary in this world whether in its literal sense or in terms of our emotional wellbeing. The hideous events of recent days only proves that there are, unfortunately, low-level humans who need a scapegoat to blame for their own failings. In doing so, they become blinded to reason and logic. Their loss.

I like to think of myself as a person of the world. I am not bound by geographical parameters. I have been imbued with the best of different cultures and am not dogmatically loyal to just one. It would surprise many when I say that Islam has provided the bedrock of a liberated mind. My own lived experiences in different continents, let alone countries, has been freeing as it has been enriching. I may not subscribe to other people’s ways but I am content to let them be as long as we agree to disagree. I would hope the same of them towards me.

What I do know is that is is extremely important for people’s lives to converge even if they touch momentarily and never meet again. Those encounters, however seemingly irrelevant, all work towards making us better educated and tolerant and humble.

Family Reunions

***Family Meals to Meet and Muse over***

Families come in so many different forms and sizes.

This weekend was all about coming together, both for short and longer term periods.

I went to collect my middle son from university which he has finally finished. So, for now, he is going to be at home with us whilst he makes plans for his future. As a mother, I am already enjoying having him back. For now, I have all my sons with me and I am relishing this time together as I am too aware that this status quo will be shortlived. They are all seeking their own paths and there is no knowing where each of those will take them.

I have also reached a point in my life where I can say I no longer feel the gap in our family structure. The absence of their father doesn’t feel like an absence any more. What I have now is already complete. Anyone else would be extraneous.

And so it was that yesterday, as we headed back towards London, we made our way to my sister’s house where we celebrated her 60th birthday. It was a day therefore, of more than a single milestone. I was celebrating my son’s return home and my sister’s life. Days like these are mixed with happy thoughts of the past and hopes for the future laden with optimism.

As an older person, I look on at life with a deep gratitude for just being here still and being able to partake in the lives of others and be a source of happiness or joy for them, however little or much. I am equally indebted to all those around me who have remained by my side through thick and thin.

Tomorrow is my own birthday. Another reason to rejoice at being alive and relatively well, Alhamdulillah. It’s not about throwing a party and having cake and candles. It is more about celebrating a life which has shown me great blessings and hoping that Allah is merciful towards me and my family always and continues to allow me the calm in my life to continue.

Marriage: To Arrange or Not?

As my sons move through their lives and complete different milestones, so too do they reach new ones ahead which are yet to be accomplished. Right now, I am waiting for them to secure jobs in their respective fields and then insha’Allah, further down the line, think about marriage. This seems to be the natural progression of life for many people.

The topic of marriage is one that I discuss with them every now and then even though there is no definitve plan for it now or even any potential partner lined up. It seems that I am jumping the gun or putting the cart before the horse. However, I also know that this isn’t something a person embarks upon in a flippant, unprepared moment. It takes months – if not years – of consideration. Given the profundity of this great chapter in life, I want to impart my own knowledge and experience to my sons so that they can be mentally prepared, if nothing else.

It might seem I would have only negative things to say about marriage given mine didn’t last till “death us do part.” But that couldn’t be further from the truth. There are still a lot of positive things to be said about two people coming together to create an amazingly beautiful new life if they care to work at it wholeheartedly. So, I take the benefit of my own past experiences – good and bad – and try to objectively relay them to my sons so that they avoid certain pitfalls or celebrate possible wins when it comes to their own life choices.

Whilst I’m always open to the idea of them finding their own marriage partner, I would still like to be able to express my opinion or share my advice when the time comes. This is because I know they themselves will not be able to see the wood for the trees once they are seriously interested in someone. “Love is blind” as the famous adage goes. There is definitely truth to that. It often takes an objective or outsider observation to be told if there are any red flags we should be aware of. Unfortunately, love per se will not conquer all. The reality is very different to the movies. So, it will need a level-headed other person to offer guidance from a rational mind.

There are real practical considerations to take into account when contemplating marriage and sometimes it’s these routine aspects of life that can make or break a situation. Take, for example, the question of, “Where to live?” Debates ensue between couples about proximity to each other’s respective families, or work, and this can even lead to a breaking point where the situation becomes untenable, emotions run high and the marriage suddenly is in turmoil. Love alone will not resolve the issue. This isn’t a fairy tale but real life. Of course, some of these sticky situations might arise long after two people get married and may not have presented themselves at the start. It’s impossible to predict the course of life. But having a few hypotheticals to consider before choosing to marry, would not go amiss. At least a person wouldn’t have entered the contract blindly.

This is where I feel I can help my sons look beyond what is immediately apparent when, or if, they ever have the chance to consider marriage. The benefit of hindsight is a great resource even if it is through my eyes. I will definitely have their best interests at heart – and even the interests of the person they wish to marry. After all, as a fellow female, I know only too well the sacrifices a woman is often ~~asked~~ expected to silently make when entering a marriage contract. There are unspoken codes which she bears with patience and resilience as she tows her husband’s line. It’s not that men don’t make sacrifices too but more often than not, the women forego much more. I believe this to be a universal truth which cuts across so many cultures, religions and societies.

When it comes to offering guidance for my own sons, I obviously am biased and want the best for them and their long-term goals. However, I feel I will be inclined to be partial to their prospective wives too simply because I know women usually quietly accept more than they care to admit for the sake of making the marriage a success. I’m sure I’ll find myself torn between loyalties to my sons and defendent for their wives. As leaders, men too often underestimate the willingness of their wives to go the extra mile (or miles and sometimes literally)! It’s these kind of conversations I engage with my sons so that they possess the acumen to understand a woman’s thought processes. Too many marriages fail because of a lack of communication. The reluctance to try and understand the other party is the root of all the problems. That’s my personal belief.

I also am thoroughly convinced that actions speak louder than words. So, at times when words can’t communicate ideas, I like to show those around me what I represent simply through the things I do, big or small. For example, washing dishes immediately after a meal is indicative of not procrastinating and wanting the house to be tidy at all times. It suggests wanting tasks to be done in a timely manner. On a bigger scale, organising a holiday abroad without relying on anyone to help, is my way of expressing independence. These examples and so many in-between are things my sons can take cues from. They show a woman’s ability and determination. And when I have my low moments, they will also see me at my worst and learn how to discern that state of mind and how to react. All this is invaluable experience for them even if just through observations.

Insha’Allah, my ultimate wish, like all mothers, is that together with their future wives, my sons will epitomise the example of harmony, peace and understanding between two people who are determined to make a success of their journey through life together. The only thing I hope to arrange for them is my presence and guidance all along the way till they reach their destination.

Online but Switched Off

Today’s reflections are a slight aberration from my normal thoughts. They come more from a culmination of years of teaching young children and observing some trends in that time. I would like to make a note of my observations here.

It’s an undeniable truth that since its inception, the internet, and all the devices linked to it, has held so many innumerable people hostage. As time goes by, there is a burgeoning amount of material (most of it useless) that is available to view online. The youth, in particular, have succumbed to this consumerism. However, even younger children aren’t immune from this phenomenon. Although they may not have necessarily been poisoned yet by the nefarious vicissitudes of social media, they definitely are drowning in the addiction of entertainment that online gadgets bring.

***Instant Gratification Not Achieved***

The result is an impatience or restlessness with things not related to flashing screens. Anything outside of that which requires more than just a cursory understanding, seems to vy for the attention of young minds. Obviously, I’m referring to their education first and foremost. Where parts of that are still conducted through the more traditional means of pen and paper and books, there seems to be a paucity of interest. How many occasions have I sat with the children I tutor and noticed a lack of presence? It’s not just that they are children and are inherently predisposed to distraction. I get that. What I have noticed in recent years is different. It’s almost as if this newest generation finds being in a lesson as a rude interruption to their busy schedules at home in front of a screen of some sort.

Of course, the overwhelming majority of children I have tutored have actually succeeded at the task at hand and done very well. But it’s sometimes been a tortuous and painful process to get there. I wonder about the trajectory of these childrens’ lives in years to come in the sphere of learning. There will be exponentially more distractions for them to contend with as the internet takes over their lives at dizzying rates. Soon, there will no longer be a generation that laments the loss of a good book on the shelf because they will never have known that pleasure in the first place.

Perhaps I have a romantic nostalgia for the past – the way things were. I’m sure our hunter- gatherer forefathers would have looked on in horror had they seen the way modern-day man lives now. But there does genuinely seem to be a startling change in the preoccupations of this generation compared to preceding ones. They can connect to all corners of the world at lightning speed and yet the irony is they are disconnected from reality. Children and young adults have real problems interacting in the public domain in person; sensibilities and sensitivities are ultra-fragile. The resilience needed to withstand disappointment in life seems to have withered away. Their virtual reality has become the one in which they live and their actual living is done through the inane world that exists on the other side of their screen.

I have seen young people waste away in front of screens and yet fail to understand the indisputable link between that sedentary existence and depression. Simple truth is they need to be off-line and switched on to so much more that the world has to offer or even what they can offer to the world. Physical exercise and being out in the open are the best antidotes to the many woes people face, young and old. Moving away from an existence which nature intended is a recipe for disaster. We were never designed to lead a passive and solitary life allegedly interacting in such an artificial way. Covid definitely taught us that valuable lesson.

For myself, I continue to endeavour to be master of my mobile phone. I want to keep it at arm’s length and limit the way it has a pernicious hold on my life. For every unnecessary minute I engage with it, I have lost a precious minute gazing at the sky or something else which is beautiful in the natural world. I value the time I have left in this world too much to miss on the small but wondrous things life has to offer.

Small Consistencies

***Little Drops of Water Make a Mighty Ocean***

As I grow older so too do I feel the grip on life is becoming less tenuous. That’s not a morose observation but actually a liberating one.

I’ve come to understand the battles I need to let go of and the result has been that I feel lighter mentally. Concurrent to this is the knowledge that I have crossed a point in my life where I am now closer to death than to life. I am speaking in terms of time. Knowing that the best part of my life is done, I am less perturbed by the action or inaction of others. It’s like water off a duck back.

Looking towards the other side of life doesn’t mean giving up on life altogether. In fact, I am now enjoying the most innocuous of things such as meeting friends for a coffee, going for a walk and days out in London with my sister/s. It doesn’t need for me to go for a cruise around the world, climb Everest or go for a bunjee jump to appreciate the gift of life. Just breathing and being able to do everyday functions is something worth celebrating.

**Learning to Take the Rough with the Smooth**

The introspection is real and becomes a subtle form of worship in itself as it can’t happen without shukr (gratitude) towards Allah. I’ve asked myself why I gravitate so often towards this topic in my blogs. Truth be told, there is no escaping it. I am deeply grateful for my life, even with all the bumps and scrapes along the way, because they have taught me to have some grit or resilience.

Whilst on that learning curve, I’ve tried my best not to succumb to either extremes of emotion, be it feeling high or low. I find it doesn’t bode well with my mental wellbeing nor my physical state either. Being a person who has slight hypertension, I have tried not to put myself in situations where I feel overwhelmed and stressed. I have to let the wave of tension pass through me and exit. Allowing it to consume me does no good. That’s why as a precursor to situations like that which normally give rise to extreme stress, I remind myself that things are just not in my control. So I let the moment play out and pass on.

All of this – the way to handle myself in times of crises – has come with age and experience, I have come through by picking my way through the debris of life and emerging at the other end knowing that the nature of this duniya is ephemeral, that has allowed me to remain relatively unscathed in terms of long-term damage.

I love life but know I can’t hold onto it. The best analogy I can think of is to compare life to an ice-cream. It’s enjoyable and wonderful whilst it’s in my hand but I have to accept that not everything will last forever.

As I move through the coming days, weeks and maybe months, I will strive to take from life and keep it at arm’ length. It is the best strategy for success in all its forms.

***Like Life: Enjoyable but Short-Lived***

When Small Equals Big

***Not Wishing to Miss Out on the Details of Life***

Life shouldn’t always be about the perennial search for things to do or see which are unequivocally different or mammoth compared to the run-of-the-mill version of things that the majority of people might do. However, it seems this is the path that many have chosen to take. We are no longer keeping up with the Jones’. The Jones’ have been left trailing far behind. We are looking to set new standards ourselves.

But it’s a fallacy to think that bigger is a synonym for better. Or that what we desire is to be found elsewhere rather than right here. With that mindset, so much in life slips us by inadvertently. In the search for something that we think will enhance our lived experiences, it’s likely that we miss the smaller things that could just as well bring us great joy or spiritual elevation.

A case in point is a car journey I did yesterday when I took my son back to university with my sister as company too. Although there was nothing particularly special about the journey itself, it was an opportunity to catch up with my sister about our respective lives and cherish the time together. It also was a chance to appreciate the sprawling nature we passed by – green fields, rolling hills, copses of trees and canals. These are the seemingly mundane things which are too easily overlooked and yet are in front of us constantly vying for our attention. Busy with distractions, we fail to notice the susurration of trees, the birdsong in the morning or the wondrous sunrise and sunset.

And why is that? Personally, I blame the existence of the mobile phone and more broadly, the internet. As much as it has broadened our horizons, the internet has ironically enough, also simultaneously led to the death of the inquisitive mind. Our heads are cluttered with unnecessary information and images most of which serve little purpose and are of even less consequence. This has lead to a lamentable self-destruction not just of the brain and mind but also of the soul. We now look but do not see; we hear but do not listen.

This is why opportunities to completely detach from routine and take time to immerse myself in my surroundings, with a heightened consciousness, is absolutely key to my wellbeing. It brings a elevated spiritual state and is a testimony to my functioning intellectual self. I believe that that the intellectual persona is inextricably linked to the spiritual one which is why seeing the world and being present in it cannot occur without reflecting on Allah.

All around us, there are things to marvel at. From the myriad fruits that sustain us, to the unique symmetrical snowflake, there is plenty to contemplate and appreciate. It simply takes an enquiring, interested mind to nurture that curiosity and seek meaning in what would otherwise become a meaningless existence.

Escape to the City

It’s a strange irony that I have recently found myself actually enjoying heading into the big metropolis that is London when many people would do anything to avoid it! It’s not something I do often so the opportunity, when it arises, to venture into the city is one I now relish.

I know I feel this way because I’m not a regular commuter compelled to travel into London for work. Had this been my daily grind, no doubt I would have tired of it and found it monotonous and exhausting. However, the purpose of being in London these days is purely for pleasure and this is exactly what my sisters and I managed to seek and achieve a couple of weeks ago.

Having left all our respective responsibilities (and even worries) behind, we set off to spend much-needed respite time together. There was no clandestine plan – just the need to remove ourselves from the humdrum realities of work and home. For those few hours we were liberated souls unattached to everyone and everything.

Arriving at London Bridge station around 9am, we took a leisurely walk all the way across the bridge itself, into the Square Mile. Here, we reflected on how the City has changed so much since we were young. Back then, the streets would have had throngs of business people all dressed to perfection and yet seemingly miserable in their stuffy clothes. Today, suits and stilletoes have been replaced by jeans and trainers and the workplace is so much more relaxed. Then there is the conspicuous absence of office workers anyway! We didn’t have to vy for a space on the pavement, competing with over-zealous stony-faced robots moving at a frenetic pace all because they are anxious to climb the career ladder. Clearly, the trend lately is for many people to work hybrid or completely remotely. These factors have lead to such a welcome change in the ambience of the city that it was actually pleasant to be there.

Being in the city as older people and not as young commuters, gave us the chance to appreciate the history which can be found in so many street corners and buildings. We had the time to relax and take it all in. One could be forgiven for thinking we were tourists given we were observing so much around us.

Having sauntered through the financial district, we headed on to Brick Lane where we stopped off for a real desi (Indian-style) breakfast. This was an equally wonderful experience knowing that we could savour both the time and the food at once. No appointment in the diary to keep and an occasion where food was served to us. It is these kind of small pleasures that bring an ineffable glee to the heart.

Our last stop was Whitechapel market where we made a few small purchases and then retraced our steps back to London Bridge taking in all the sights, sounds and smells along the way. Though our itinerary may not have been anything special, it wasn’t about that per se. What was special was the chance to be with my sisters – the people who I can be myself around more than anyone else in this world and who would understand me without any words needed to be spoken. We laughed together unanimously and shared memories, thoughts and ideas knowing that we understood and were perfectly understood by one another in our conversations. It’s these kind of moments and days that I have come to cherish most in life. Time together is priceless.

We were also helped by the weather that day which was so blissfully sunny and comfortably warm. The cerulean sky was the perfect host for our sojourn. In total, we saw London, our hometown, through a different lens that day. We were there as ladies of leisure and had the luxury to take as long as we wished in each place. Not surprisingly, out time was tinged with a slight sadness in knowing that this city has always been in our blood and so we have many countless memories of it as much younger people. So, it was that we found ourselves reminiscing on past times. However, even those sporadic recollections failed to dampen our spirits.

After all, it was a day to rejoice in being able to come together in a carefree way and celebrate being alive and still able to make memories at this stage of our lives. For that and more, I am truly grateful, Alhamdulillah. I now look forward to days out like this again before circumstances change and we regret not grabbing the opportunities when they were within reach.

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