The silence which I have opted for this year has been wonderful. My head feels less compressed and cluttered. I have allowed space for my own introspective thoughts to take up residency and search for a connection between them and Allah.
This period in time has allowed me to stop and pause at this junction and realign my niyyah (intention) with my actions to the best of my ability. I have tried to do a self-assessment of where I have been heading in life till now and whether some changes need to be made. Of course, the answer to that question will always be “yes”. I’d be very arrogant to think otherwise.
As we reach the last week of Ramadan, I do wonder if I will see another one through again. Insha’Allah I will. My pledge is to keep it simple – to keep life simple. No need for the acquisiton of bigger and better things to satiate an already insatiable appetite for more. The month has taught me to curb my appetite and the hope is that this is the lesson I will learn moving forward and out of Ramadan.
I have enjoyed the simplicity of this month. Less food, less noise and less duniya (the temporal world) overall. Whilst I’m not naive to think I can sustain this routine all year round, I am grateful for the chance to have at least experienced the self-discipline for one month of the year. Insha’Allah, I will carry forward some of the good habits developed in the last few weeks in the hope they will make my days more fulfilling and rewarding outside the protection of this glorious month.
It’s been a while since I last posted anything here. Life has taken over as usual and despite my best intentions, I haven’t had the chance to log any of my thoughts recently. To be fair, Ramadan priorities were always going to take precedence and it is a month of extra effort in ibadah (worship) and reflection. This, in turn, inevitably leads to a time where unwanted emotional baggage is divested, cobwebs are dusted off tangled thoughts and a deep spiritual cleansing takes place.
Halfway through the month already and I feel there has been progress. Although I know it will never be at a level where I have used my full potential, at least there has been some reflection and introspection.
For the first time this year also, I have decided to break away from the usual constant social media content which is put out in Ramadan. As much as this material is undoubtedly inspiring, I struggle to retain a lot of what is spoken about and, on reflection, realise that it hasn’t helped me become a better version of myself. That sounds like the fault is with the creators or speakers of the content that’s out there. Far from it. The issue is with me. I have chosen this year to use the faculties within myself and go right back to basics in my search for inspiration. What do I mean by this? For a start, I want to go to the Quran directly and seek solace from it.
The noble Quran has enough to inspire and encourage us to do and be the best version of ourselves. It contains a plethora of material to engage with and ponder over. For example, the infinite references to nature are points which stir me beyond no bounds. I have decided to let the Quran speak to me directly without a modern-day interpreter or scholar. This isn’t to say I can understand the Quran on my own. Far from it. But suffice to say, there is enough material there which needs no third party to explain the magnificence of Allah.
Clarity of Faith
Going for long walks in silence this Ramadan, has actually achieved more for me than listening to someone speak as an agent of Islam. I need no words to convince me of Allah’s magnaminous status when I look at the clouds and the river and the grass as I walk behind my own home. Accompanied with utterances of praise for Allah throughout, I feel this is a far more productive way to spend my Ramadan. It’s a formula I haven’t seriously considered before – disconnecting from video after video of Islamic content. However, this year I have chosen a deeper silence and it has been working so far, Alhamdulillah. After all, how did Muslims manage deep contemplation in Ramadan before the advent of the internet?
I have thoroughly enjoyed going back to basics and relying on my own conscience to bring me close to Allah in this blessed month.
That being said, learning from others is definitely with its merits. I woudn’t trust myself to learn without a teacher. However, perhaps my age has caused me to want to enjoy the silence and cherish the stillness of a moment without interruption.
Alhamdulillah for the opportunity to reconnect with the peace and nature and simple things in life. This has been perhaps just as enlightening as sitting through hours of a lecture to be convinced of something I already hold in deep regard.
I need this time to be my own. I need silence to hear my own conscience. I need time to be.
A few days ago, I met up with an old friend who I’ve known since our university days together. That was over 30 years ago! Even writing that figure here seems surreal. How is it possible that so many years have gone by? To think of all the things each of us have achieved, explored or simply lived through in that time…
Alhamdulillah, it was wonderful to catch up even though our individual paths make it less possible to be in touch as often as we’d like. On average, we’ve been able to meet once a year which seems pathetic and perhaps it is. However, we both know the intention is always there and once we are in each other’s company, we can simply continue from where we left off. There are few friendships where this can happen so effortlessly.
Graduation Memories
But in that conversation last weekend, my friend mentioned how she had accidentally stumbled on some old photos from our graduation day. (This was what had prompted her to call me in the first place.) Amongst the people in the photos she has, she is now only in contact with myself and one other person. Over the years, it was inevitable that some of those old-time friends would have disappeared and the years would have made the friendships more tenuous. People get married, find jobs, move on and away and life takes over. And we know that one of our mutual friends sadly had even passed away at a young age of 32 leaving behind a young family.
So, in that context, it is pretty special that the two of us have maintained a link over the years. I myself have lived abroad for several years and in different countries. Even when I was living in the UK, it wasn’t always in London. So, to have kept that link alive through mutual effort is something I definitely cherish. It’s taken effort on both sides and is the reason why we have succeeded in keeping up-to-date with each other’s news even across thousands of miles.
Today, to think our own ‘children’ are now older than the ages at which we first met, is something. I don’t look back with sadness. Not at all. Instead, I am grateful for the life I have lived and all the things I have experienced along the way, good and seemingly bad. And I deliberately add the word, “seemingly”, because I know that with my narrow understanding of things, what I might deem as negative is, in fact, perhaps the best thing that could have happened to me.
In recent months, I’ve often thought about the idea of calling it a day with my online blog. I don’t have as much traffic as I used to in terms of views by others but I guess that’s because I don’t bother share it on my Instagram page or elsewhere as I used to before. It’s not that I ever had a deluge of readers at any point to be honest.
Maybe it’s because I vowed from an eary stage never to obsess with how many people read my blogs or how many likes I would get. And for the most part, I can honestly say I have remained true to my word. I have even gone weeks without sharing any posts anywhere on social media (not that I have a presence anywhere other than Instagram or Facebook). I refuse to succumb to the evils and perils of a social media presence. It is something that has never imbued within me a deep desire or interest in the first place.
To be honest, the objective of my writing was never to gain a following in and of itself. I started this writing journey to alleviate my own pain and frustration as I ventured into unchartered territory as a mother on her own with young children. It was an open expression of a very private journey; a shared record of me unashamedly admitting to my stumbling blocks, my weaknesses, my fears but also my accomplishments, big or small. It was always intended to be a cathartic relief and it has been every bit that, Alhamdulillah.
Silent Confessions
So, it doesn’t matter if the world is with me or not. Writing this blog for me is like sitting on the beach at the edge of the seashore and talking to the wind and letting my words be carried out into the far distance. Whether anyone else hears them or not is not the objective. It’s the relief that comes with unburdening myself and offloading. Along the way, I have confessed to myself my own strengths and weaknesses and everything else in- between. The net result has been edifying. If anyone out there does find solace from my writings, then Alhamdulillah. I would have done a service to them without even having known this to be the case.
Right now in my life, I do feel it’s time to move to my next phase/chapter/mission and take on a more serious writing goal. This isn’t to say I will end the blog writing itself. But I have been inspired by older people who I’ve seen take up new challenges in their later lives, be it sports, a new profession, a hobby etc. and I don’t want to be someone who will regret never having tried, even if I don’t succeed. I don’t want to say too much now whilst I haven’t done enough yet to actualise my thoughts but insha’Allah, I will die trying even if I never hit my goal. I hope one day to return to provide an update on this ongoing mission.
Suffice to say, I believe that Allah has put me in this situation in my life now because He wants me to maximise my potential and because He knows I will at least strive to achieve certain things in life. I think the time is right to strike the iron whilst it is hot.
It might seem like a bleak and pessimistic perspective but the idea of living out the remainder of my life without a marriage partner, is something that doesn’t make me afraid. If anything, I feel a sense of relief and being unfettered from responsibilities of taking care of another person other than those related to me by blood.
I know my ageing mother’s wish is to see me marry again before she departs this world. However, I have explained to her, in no uncertain terms, that that is one wish I have no intention of fulfilling for myself – and therefore, not for her either.
I’ve waited years to reach a point in my life where my boys are now young men and can take care of themselves. If I spend a day outside and away from home, I don’t stress if there is no food cooked for them in the fridge. It is not an oversight on my part. They are very capable of fending for themselves and know they need to take responsibility for themselves. I will not cripple them by pandering to their every whim or need. Self-reliance is a key component towards growing up. There may also well come a day when I am no longer able or even around to cater for their needs. So best they wean themselves off that dependency now.
A job shared is a job halved
In fact, there are many times my sons have serviced my needs. This could range from kitchen duties to maintaining my car for me. It’s not that I demand this from the advantage point of being their mother. It might be that in that moment, it was the most convenient arrangment for us all. Whatever the situation, the end result is that learning a degree of selflessness is also a step towards preparation for their own marriage. The incentive for passing responsibilities on here and there is to inculcate an awareness of household duties which inevitably the lion’s share of will fall upon their wives. No feminist or gender-equality despot will ever be able to convince me that this natural order of things will ever change to any significant degree. It’s been the way of the world since time immemorial and is unlikely to change. Nor should it. As long as men appreciate and contribute where possible, then there’s harmony to be found in that too.
Therefore, I hope it’s clear for others to see that I am not the heartless and selfish mother that I may initially appear to represent. There is a very deliberate decision I’ve made when I haven’t always had dinner ready on the table for others or completed other household chores. The message I’m sending out is deeper than what is always apparent. Of course, there have been times I have selfishly not taken on my duties for that day. However, after years of servicing others, I am entitled to miss my targets once in a while. I’m only human. Even in our topsy-turvy days, important lessons have been learned and introspection has been made. So, not a complete loss.
My place will always be mother, insha’Allah. But every mother knows what it feels like to burn the candle at both ends. It’s finally time to slow down. I have earned that right.
The idea to write about this in today’s blog post was inspired by the fact that I was recently asked a question in a group discussion of divorced Muslim women. “Where would I place myself in terms of happiness post-divorce, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest score?” Without hesitation, I replied, “8-9”.
The reason for not hitting full marks is because I often feel burdened with financial worries and although all those bottlenecks have been and gone, they also come full circle every month or so. The cycle is on repeat. Constantly.
Alhamdulillah, now that I have some actual financial support from my sons, things have become a little easier. However, I tell myself not to be complacent with the current status quo as life can be volatile and things can be up-ended any time. For this reason, I will always endeavour to be as self-reliant as much as I can and for as long as I can, inshaAllah.
Nothing More to Say
On the other hand, the reason why I confidently claim to score high on that scale is also because I have learnt acceptance of my fate in this life. It’s taken me some time but I am fully cognizant of Allah’s greater plan and His final decision for me. If I trust His wisdom, then I have nothing to fear except fear itself. I have the benefit of hindsight and can now see clearly the things I have gained from being without my ex-husband and not just the things I seemingly lost. The truth is, there can never be just loss with divorce or any situation for that matter. It is more of a replacement of one thing with another even if that replacement is not like for like. So, I may not have moved on and found another person to marry. That was never the plan anyway. However, that is not to say that I have not gained in life since the divorce either.
When I reflect on the array of things I’ve achieved, from large to small, I can only say, “Alhamdulillah” for them all. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. And in all honesty, it’s not even about achievements. It’s more about the time I’ve had to be with my family and friends in a capacity which I have created for myself and grown to cherish over time. I have evolved into a personality which may never have emerged had I not been thrown into the situation I have found myself in for the last few years. In reality, aspects of my personality which perhaps were dormant and never explored, have been caused to come to the surface. I have defined my version of happiness and found my own formula for being in the duniya and aware of the Akhirah (hereafter). Being forced to search for a meaningful existence has helped me look deep within and understand my strengths and weaknesses. It’s been a curious journey of self-discovery.
Despite being at the helm of my ship for the last few years, I have also been deeply grateful for just being. That has been priceless.
A couple of days ago I was abruptly woken up by a loud bang and the gush of water coming from the en suite bathroom. Within a few minutes, the bathroom floor had been flooded and I found myself stamping on towels to mop up the excess water. Alhamdulillah, I had also managed to awaken my son to switch off the main water supply.
There is a very conscious purpose of mentioning this incident.
Whilst this event was unfolding and I was dealing with the aftermath of the mess, I reminded myself of the situation so many people in Palestine are suffering from – and have been – for many, many months and years. They don’t have recourse to a plumber or an emergency contact to resolve such issues. Indeed, they don’t even have homes left to call their own. I, on the other hand, simply had to leave a couple of phone messages to relevant contacts and within a few hours, the bathroom issue had been sorted and things have since returned to normal.
How fortunate am I that such emergency situations I can see an end to? Despite life’s struggles, there is still a system in place whereby I can call upon someone to help and even if I have to pay for such a service, at least it is available. Alhamdulillah.
How fortunate am I that I have my sons nearby to help and as young adult men, I can rely on them to complete tasks for which they are better equipped to do either physically or mentally? I’m only too aware of women who don’t have any male relatives around to request favours from. Allah has blessed me with sons and I remember this even moreso in these type of emergencies. Alhamdulillah.
How fortunate am I that I have been blessed with the disposition of a Muslim and know that the incident that occurred with the bathroom was one intended to test my patience. Allah had sent me my challenge and was waiting to see my reaction whilst in the midst of dealing with that particular challenge. I recall thinking that even though it had caused me some inconvenience what with the temporary flooding and then the constant drip-drip noise of water whilst I was trying to sleep afterwards, this was nothing compared to what I have been witnessing going on in Palestine in the last year. What have I got to complain about? Alhamdulillah.
There is definitely something to be said about becoming more mellow and unflappable when one gets older. I would never believe I could be so calm in such a stressful situation. I don’t pretend that it wasn’t worrying but I also believed that it would be resolved and the inconvenience would be temporary. It’s not that I wish to be challenged to a greater extent but I am grateful that Allah didn’t give me anything more to contend with.
Time is a great teacher. Going through life’s ups and downs, the highs and lows and all else in between, it imparts on us great knowledge. Inadvertently we learn how to respond to all kinds of scenarios and with the correct measure.
I learnt a lot about myself after the incident I faced recently. I would like to believe that I responded appropriately to it. Moreso, I had remained grateful it was something resolved soon and not lost sight of the fact that it could have been much worse.
It’s been wonderful to have had the last two weeks not tied to any appointments or fixed schedule. To know that I could dedicate complete days to my own whims and tasks, was something I was looking forward to before that time off had even started. Now that I am at the other end and am due back to work tomorrow, I feel a little sense of sadness that these easy days are no more. That was something I knew was going to catch up with me for sure.
Yet knowing time such as this is limited, is what makes it all the more enjoyable. I managed to accomplish tasks I had been waiting to complete with an uninterrupted intrusion. I also managed to enjoy taking time out to do nothing of major consequence. The combination of the two scenarios allowed me to relish in the escape from my normal routine.
Could I live like this on a long-term basis? I don’t think so.
Shifting Priorities Around
Knowing myself, I would get bored too soon. Without any goals in sight, especially those which allow for self-development, my life would become aimless and I would eventually find something to fulminate about. To be honest, even in these past two weeks, whilst I’d taken a slower pace, my mind seemed to have been racing faster – as if the gap in events had allowed me the chance to finally switch the back-burner plans towards the front and give them serious consideration.
Over time, I’ve watched multiple videos or snippets of ordinary people who’ve bounced back from some form of tragedy in their latter years and are living their best life yet whether it be getting fitter at the gym, starting a business, travelling the world or some other delayed venture. Most of them are well into their 50s and have been propelled forward by some kind of major turning point in their lives. All of these people have collectively proven to me that what is left of my life can still count. There isn’t any more time for procrastination. I have been feeling restless for some time now that I need to create the change myself. I know I can’t expect it to happen to me. Nobody is going to knock on my door with a box of opportunities. I need to make change happen!
In my pessimistic mood, I question what I have actually achieved in the last few years. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like much. However, if I were to write a list of accomplishments, I’d say I haven’t done too bad either, Alhamdulillah. I have to remind myself of the circumstances I’ve been operating within and realise that I’ve tried the best within my means. Being a mother has always meant my children came first. And yes, I use the word, ‘came’ in a deliberately past tense. Nowadays, I know to put myself first as nobody else will do that for me. My children are no longer children. They are adults now. So I can finally change priorities,
Although some time away from my normal paid work brought welcome respite, I knew my mind would never be totally at rest as I’m always thinking of the next big project. How can I develop myself spiritually, mentally, intellectually and physically? In this quest for answers, I prefer these days to undertake tasks which have a direct link to any good that I can take with me to the other side. Whilst seeking ephemeral pleasures in this life is not to be frowned upon, they can’t be an absolute priority. Perhaps wisdom teaches me to prioritise deeper soul-enriching pleasures which feed into my spiritual wellbeing. There can be no higher goal than that and is the ultimate pleasure I seek.
Whilst many people were tucking into turkey and a roast dinner on Christmas Day, my family and I were busy attending the wedding reception of my cousin – my mother’s brother’s son. It was a beautiful occassion where I managed to meet up again with so many extended family members who I have not seen in years and some not at all!
It’s at times like this I feel I am reminded of my roots. I am suddenly made aware of what my cultural and ethnic heritage is and it gives me a warm sense of belonging. Perhaps not too deep beneath the surface, and right below the Muslim layer of identity, I can find aspects of my being which help me connect easily to others. And that’s very normal: to want to belong to a group of people whether it be in religious, cultural, ethnic, social or even financial terms. I’m aware that some of those attributes are not innate and can be exchanged or lost at any time. A person can always climb up the financial ladder to a higher status and can just as easily slide down. Other attributes however, such as ethnicity, are fixed and cannot be undone. It’s important to embrace the positive aspects of our cultural and ethnic make-up so that we know where we stand in the world.
From Roots Upwards
Going back to the wedding, it was heartwarming to meet so many people who I am related to in some way. Although we may not know much about one another’s lives, it seemed easy to talk to them and catch up or make first introductions. That’s because we all understood the blood connection between us. It’s something that will run through our veins regardless of the effort we make to stay in touch (or not). My only regret is that it’s a shame that there isn’t more of a concerted effort to visit one another and find out what is going on in one another’s lives. I am guilty of that myself. Yet we all understand that the pace of life is so fast these days that it’s difficult to keep up. It’s not uncommon for both men and women to be working and that setup for women especially, leaves them indisposed to do much else.
I do hope that with each successive generation, the desire to reconnect with their heritage and learn about their forefathers, will be a thread that continues through time. But I know it’s naive to think that the link will remain strong. Clearly, it will become more tenuous with each generation. After all, how many of us can go back even 100 years and confidently claim we know the origins of our forefathers from that time? It seems an irony that with all the digital devices at our disposal, the interest to record family histories, for the sake of progeny, is something that is inherently lacking. For me at least, I want my sons to have the exposure to their extended family from their mother’s side. Perhaps moreso because between their father and me, they are the embodiment of two different cultures and ethnicities and for the longest time, their father’s extended family took precedence over mine.
I wonder what the future holds for my own sons when they seek to get married, inshaAllah. It’s very possible they will marry someone from a completely different culture to their own. I have no issue with that as long as they take pride in their own cultural history and embrace all the wonderful things it has to offer. In parallel, they also need to embrace the cultural traditions which their wives will bring and make sure these share equal footing in the marriage so that their children will also feel comfortable and confident in both.
I have just started a two week break from work and am silently rejoicing at the thought of having uninterrupted time to myself for this length of time. What a luxury! I am not planning to fly off to a faraway place. Instead, I’m looking forward to clear things out and tidy up.
From doing the odd painting job at home, to recycling things I have finally conceded I will never need again, I want to start afresh. I don’t do emotional attachments to material things any more with the exception of those which are connected directly to my own sons in their childhood. Other than that, I have long realised that when my time to leave this world comes, so too will the link to all the things I possess, known or unknown.
Lifting a Load Off
In my opinion, when a person can mentally detach from the duniya (temporal world), letting go of objects and belongings becomes infinitely easier. Perhaps I needed to wait to get to this stage of life to feel absolutely ready to purge my home of things I no longer want or need. Not that I have a whole heap of stuff to clear out, to be honest. However, I don’t want anything that serves no purpose. If someone else would benefit from it, then I am happy to pass it on. There’s no point something accumulating dust in the back of my closet when it is bringing no benefit to anyone. The relief, or light effect on the heart and head, to be rid of unnecessary possessions is a wonderful feeling. Quite literally, if I achieve my goal, it’ll be a weight off my mind!
Once my mind is uncluttered somewhat, I can then make room to accommodate thoughts and ideas for more productive things.
In recent years, I have resolved that I want to pursue goals which bring me closer to Allah. Decluttering is a necessary part of that process. But there are other ways to achieve that too. It might be through my paid employment which enables a halal (permissible) income with which I can manage provisions for myself and my family. And for sure, I hope I can continue to serve in charitable causes where there is an organised effort to bring short and long-term relief to those most needy. For me, that kind of work keeps my conscience in check. It also reminds me of my own privileges. Whilst I may never match the effort some selfless individuals have contributed to good causes, I know that I am always striving to do more.
The most important thing is to keep moving and insha’Allah that’s what I will always do even if I miss some of my targets.
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