mymotherhalf.com

Shanghai Shines

***The Mesmerising Spectacle of Chinese Architecture – Yuyuan Old Street***

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have the opportunity to travel to the Far East. Both in terms of money and time, it was one of the those parts of the world that I could only ever dream of and assume it wouldn’t materialise. However, when my son asked me if I’d like to go to Shanghai, I realised that there was really no reason to say ‘No’. Alhamdulillah, a perfect opportunity had presented itself and I would be crazy to let it pass.

The week spent there was beyond my wildest expectations! I relished every minute and enyoyed the sights, smells and sounds all around me. It was a culture I had not been immersed in before yet was exactly what I wanted to experience – something very different from Europe.

The first thing that hit me about Shanghai was it’s sheer size. The city is an endlessly sprawling metropolis with tower block after tower block vying for space in the sky. Not surprising how many of these there are given the burgeoning population (around 28 million people). Yet surprisingly enough, most of these concret needles didn’t feel they were suffocating the life out of the city. Everywhere around us, there was always a healthy sprawling green canopy lining streets and parks. At street level, there are countless wide urban streets with many raised highways on bridges. The scale of infrastructure construction is stupendous and we saw so many buildings and bridges still on their way to completion. Thousands of cars, mopeds and bicycles all traverse the city with an amazingly seemless precision and yet the city’s transport network functions so well. To call it organised chaos would be disingenuous as chaos isn’t what I saw. Meanwhile, below street level, the metro functions so smoothly and efficiently delivering millions of people to their destinations every hour or every day.

***New Culinary Discoveries – Chinese Hotpot***

As a Muslim, I was warned beforehand about the possible difficulties of finding halal eateries in China. However, we were pleasantly surprised and didn’t feel we missed on local Chinese culinary delights. We tried local dishes from hotpot, meat skewers, beef noodles to octopus. So many times I had to pinch myself to remind myself I was not simply in Chinatown in London but in China proper. It was a totally surreal experience. SubhanAllah!

In fact, there were many times I was walking around Shanghai and kept experiencing deja vu moments where one moment in my head I was in Jeddah, then Dhaka and yet again in Istanbul. So many sights reminded me of my past experiences in other places I have lived or visited in the world. As I described to others, in the week spent there, I was whisked on a world tour in my head. My senses were constantly catapulted between one part of the world to another and the stimulation was unreal. So much felt strangely familiar.

The famous cityscape, with the world’s third tallest skycraper, was a phenomenal sight. As much as I love nature and the peace that encompasses it, I also love the other extreme where bright lights and tall towers vy for attention. It was all mesmerising and no photos could capture the delight that it produced. I was in awe of man’s creative abilities and the fact that I was fortunate enough to experience all this.

To summarise my Shanghai experience in one blog post would be to do it an unbelievably gross disservice. It reawakened within me the desire to see more of the world and perhaps even live in another place. It reaffirmed to me that I wish to experience another way of life insha’Allah, before I leave this world forever. As much as England will always be home, there is a soullessness which I have always felt has been lacking. The thing that prevents me now from packing up and moving away are family commitments. However, I will always hold onto the dream of trying something new still. I have always found people who have lived and experienced an alternative lifestyle to myself, to be very interesting. I am grateful that I have done this kind of thing myself already but I still hope to try it again soon, insha’Allah. There is so much to see and do still that I know will feed my soul. For years, I have tried to fill that gap here but to no avail. I am in no doubt that it will only every be achieved elsewhere and I am grateful to Shanghai for proving that to me.

***Stunning Cityscape – Shanghai Skyline***

Post Ramadan Round-Up

It’s been a couple of weeks since I wrote anything here and a couple of weeks since Eid-ul-Fitr which marks the end of Ramadan.

Hands down, it was one of the best Eids I have had in my entire life, Alhamdulillah. The only thing which would have made it perfect would have been if my youngest son were there too. But he is away from home and discovering the world and learning things for the betterment of his duniya (temporal world) and Akhirah (the Hereafter).

Eid-ul-Fitr is strangely bittersweet in that it symbolises the exit from the beautiful month of Ramadan. It is comparable to the birth of a baby who has had the comfort of it’s mother’s womb where everything is safe and secure and yet the arrival of that baby into the world is something people wait with eager anticipation. On the other hand, Eid-ul-Fitr also celebrates the observance of a month of higher slef-discipline and self-awareness – a form of mental, physical and spiritual retraining that most Muslims look forward to as an impetus to improve on themselves. Although we leave Ramadan with a somewhat heavy heart, we understand that the lessons of that month are not lost on us, insha’Allah.

The day of Eid this year started beautifully with the congregational prayer out in the open and alongside family and friends. The khutbah (sermon) was succinct and thought-provoking and set us up for the day ahead reminding us about the appreciation for what Allah has blessed us with and what we need to do from here as we move on in time. The togetherness was comforting. Seeing my sons also dressed in new clothes, which we had bought together a couple of weeks before, was endearing for me as it’s been a while since they have accepted to make a fuss of this aspect of Eid. What’s more, one of their English Muslim revert friends had also joined us and wore the outfit we had bought him. The inclusivity which he felt was a cherry on the cake for me!

***Traditional Haleem – An Eid Centrepiece***

The rest of the day was spent together at my sister’s house and she and her husband were the generous hosts as usual. Family and friends came and went and throughout the day there was much laughter, happiness and a sense of familial bonds. Having our new Muslim friend amongst us made it extra special given he has not yet made it public knowledge of his conversion to his parents and so, most likely, would not have celebrated Eid otherwise. But he enjoyed everything that day – the clothes, the food and the company. Having him in our midst was also an eye-opener for those who’d not been in such close proximity to a revert Muslim. His presence made us realise how much we take for granted having been born into the faith and been surrounded by Muslim family all the time.

Later that evening, his own friend, another British-Chinese Muslim, joined us at my sister’s house and sitting around the table, with everyone sharing personal anecdotes of life as a Muslim, new or old, was quite a befitting conversation to be having on the day of Eid itself. It was as if those stories offered a reaffirmation of why we were all together, celebrating the day and even the life we had all consciously chosen to follow. Alhamdulillah for everything.

I know by the end of the evening, I felt that warm glow inside where gratitude for my life was overflowing. And I know I wasn’t the only one. Even those two young new Muslim men, who probably didn’t realise the impact they had made on us, were just as comfortable to be in our presence, despite never having met me and my family before. I know for sure they were even reluctant to go home! The day was such a wonderful celebration of family, friendship and life.

In retrospect, I realise now that the feeling of completeness isn’t something another person can bring. It is something to be found within oneself and is only ever going to be achieved once Allah becomes the centre of our existence. Anything other than that will have us running around in circles with no beginning and definitely no end.

Ramadan Update

The silence which I have opted for this year has been wonderful. My head feels less compressed and cluttered. I have allowed space for my own introspective thoughts to take up residency and search for a connection between them and Allah.

This period in time has allowed me to stop and pause at this junction and realign my niyyah (intention) with my actions to the best of my ability. I have tried to do a self-assessment of where I have been heading in life till now and whether some changes need to be made. Of course, the answer to that question will always be “yes”. I’d be very arrogant to think otherwise.

As we reach the last week of Ramadan, I do wonder if I will see another one through again. Insha’Allah I will. My pledge is to keep it simple – to keep life simple. No need for the acquisiton of bigger and better things to satiate an already insatiable appetite for more. The month has taught me to curb my appetite and the hope is that this is the lesson I will learn moving forward and out of Ramadan.

I have enjoyed the simplicity of this month. Less food, less noise and less duniya (the temporal world) overall. Whilst I’m not naive to think I can sustain this routine all year round, I am grateful for the chance to have at least experienced the self-discipline for one month of the year. Insha’Allah, I will carry forward some of the good habits developed in the last few weeks in the hope they will make my days more fulfilling and rewarding outside the protection of this glorious month.

Ramadan 1446/2025

It’s been a while since I last posted anything here. Life has taken over as usual and despite my best intentions, I haven’t had the chance to log any of my thoughts recently. To be fair, Ramadan priorities were always going to take precedence and it is a month of extra effort in ibadah (worship) and reflection. This, in turn, inevitably leads to a time where unwanted emotional baggage is divested, cobwebs are dusted off tangled thoughts and a deep spiritual cleansing takes place.

Halfway through the month already and I feel there has been progress. Although I know it will never be at a level where I have used my full potential, at least there has been some reflection and introspection.

For the first time this year also, I have decided to break away from the usual constant social media content which is put out in Ramadan. As much as this material is undoubtedly inspiring, I struggle to retain a lot of what is spoken about and, on reflection, realise that it hasn’t helped me become a better version of myself. That sounds like the fault is with the creators or speakers of the content that’s out there. Far from it. The issue is with me. I have chosen this year to use the faculties within myself and go right back to basics in my search for inspiration. What do I mean by this? For a start, I want to go to the Quran directly and seek solace from it.

The noble Quran has enough to inspire and encourage us to do and be the best version of ourselves. It contains a plethora of material to engage with and ponder over. For example, the infinite references to nature are points which stir me beyond no bounds. I have decided to let the Quran speak to me directly without a modern-day interpreter or scholar. This isn’t to say I can understand the Quran on my own. Far from it. But suffice to say, there is enough material there which needs no third party to explain the magnificence of Allah.

Going for long walks in silence this Ramadan, has actually achieved more for me than listening to someone speak as an agent of Islam. I need no words to convince me of Allah’s magnaminous status when I look at the clouds and the river and the grass as I walk behind my own home. Accompanied with utterances of praise for Allah throughout, I feel this is a far more productive way to spend my Ramadan. It’s a formula I haven’t seriously considered before – disconnecting from video after video of Islamic content. However, this year I have chosen a deeper silence and it has been working so far, Alhamdulillah. After all, how did Muslims manage deep contemplation in Ramadan before the advent of the internet?

I have thoroughly enjoyed going back to basics and relying on my own conscience to bring me close to Allah in this blessed month.

That being said, learning from others is definitely with its merits. I woudn’t trust myself to learn without a teacher. However, perhaps my age has caused me to want to enjoy the silence and cherish the stillness of a moment without interruption.

Alhamdulillah for the opportunity to reconnect with the peace and nature and simple things in life. This has been perhaps just as enlightening as sitting through hours of a lecture to be convinced of something I already hold in deep regard.

I need this time to be my own. I need silence to hear my own conscience. I need time to be.

Nostalgia

A few days ago, I met up with an old friend who I’ve known since our university days together. That was over 30 years ago! Even writing that figure here seems surreal. How is it possible that so many years have gone by? To think of all the things each of us have achieved, explored or simply lived through in that time…

Alhamdulillah, it was wonderful to catch up even though our individual paths make it less possible to be in touch as often as we’d like. On average, we’ve been able to meet once a year which seems pathetic and perhaps it is. However, we both know the intention is always there and once we are in each other’s company, we can simply continue from where we left off. There are few friendships where this can happen so effortlessly.

But in that conversation last weekend, my friend mentioned how she had accidentally stumbled on some old photos from our graduation day. (This was what had prompted her to call me in the first place.) Amongst the people in the photos she has, she is now only in contact with myself and one other person. Over the years, it was inevitable that some of those old-time friends would have disappeared and the years would have made the friendships more tenuous. People get married, find jobs, move on and away and life takes over. And we know that one of our mutual friends sadly had even passed away at a young age of 32 leaving behind a young family.

So, in that context, it is pretty special that the two of us have maintained a link over the years. I myself have lived abroad for several years and in different countries. Even when I was living in the UK, it wasn’t always in London. So, to have kept that link alive through mutual effort is something I definitely cherish. It’s taken effort on both sides and is the reason why we have succeeded in keeping up-to-date with each other’s news even across thousands of miles.

Today, to think our own ‘children’ are now older than the ages at which we first met, is something. I don’t look back with sadness. Not at all. Instead, I am grateful for the life I have lived and all the things I have experienced along the way, good and seemingly bad. And I deliberately add the word, “seemingly”, because I know that with my narrow understanding of things, what I might deem as negative is, in fact, perhaps the best thing that could have happened to me.

No More to Say?

In recent months, I’ve often thought about the idea of calling it a day with my online blog. I don’t have as much traffic as I used to in terms of views by others but I guess that’s because I don’t bother share it on my Instagram page or elsewhere as I used to before. It’s not that I ever had a deluge of readers at any point to be honest.

Maybe it’s because I vowed from an eary stage never to obsess with how many people read my blogs or how many likes I would get. And for the most part, I can honestly say I have remained true to my word. I have even gone weeks without sharing any posts anywhere on social media (not that I have a presence anywhere other than Instagram or Facebook). I refuse to succumb to the evils and perils of a social media presence. It is something that has never imbued within me a deep desire or interest in the first place.

To be honest, the objective of my writing was never to gain a following in and of itself. I started this writing journey to alleviate my own pain and frustration as I ventured into unchartered territory as a mother on her own with young children. It was an open expression of a very private journey; a shared record of me unashamedly admitting to my stumbling blocks, my weaknesses, my fears but also my accomplishments, big or small. It was always intended to be a cathartic relief and it has been every bit that, Alhamdulillah.

So, it doesn’t matter if the world is with me or not. Writing this blog for me is like sitting on the beach at the edge of the seashore and talking to the wind and letting my words be carried out into the far distance. Whether anyone else hears them or not is not the objective. It’s the relief that comes with unburdening myself and offloading. Along the way, I have confessed to myself my own strengths and weaknesses and everything else in- between. The net result has been edifying. If anyone out there does find solace from my writings, then Alhamdulillah. I would have done a service to them without even having known this to be the case.

Right now in my life, I do feel it’s time to move to my next phase/chapter/mission and take on a more serious writing goal. This isn’t to say I will end the blog writing itself. But I have been inspired by older people who I’ve seen take up new challenges in their later lives, be it sports, a new profession, a hobby etc. and I don’t want to be someone who will regret never having tried, even if I don’t succeed. I don’t want to say too much now whilst I haven’t done enough yet to actualise my thoughts but insha’Allah, I will die trying even if I never hit my goal. I hope one day to return to provide an update on this ongoing mission.

Suffice to say, I believe that Allah has put me in this situation in my life now because He wants me to maximise my potential and because He knows I will at least strive to achieve certain things in life. I think the time is right to strike the iron whilst it is hot.

Knowing One’s Place

***A Change of Seat through the Years***

It might seem like a bleak and pessimistic perspective but the idea of living out the remainder of my life without a marriage partner, is something that doesn’t make me afraid. If anything, I feel a sense of relief and being unfettered from responsibilities of taking care of another person other than those related to me by blood.

I know my ageing mother’s wish is to see me marry again before she departs this world. However, I have explained to her, in no uncertain terms, that that is one wish I have no intention of fulfilling for myself – and therefore, not for her either.

I’ve waited years to reach a point in my life where my boys are now young men and can take care of themselves. If I spend a day outside and away from home, I don’t stress if there is no food cooked for them in the fridge. It is not an oversight on my part. They are very capable of fending for themselves and know they need to take responsibility for themselves. I will not cripple them by pandering to their every whim or need. Self-reliance is a key component towards growing up. There may also well come a day when I am no longer able or even around to cater for their needs. So best they wean themselves off that dependency now.

In fact, there are many times my sons have serviced my needs. This could range from kitchen duties to maintaining my car for me. It’s not that I demand this from the advantage point of being their mother. It might be that in that moment, it was the most convenient arrangment for us all. Whatever the situation, the end result is that learning a degree of selflessness is also a step towards preparation for their own marriage. The incentive for passing responsibilities on here and there is to inculcate an awareness of household duties which inevitably the lion’s share of will fall upon their wives. No feminist or gender-equality despot will ever be able to convince me that this natural order of things will ever change to any significant degree. It’s been the way of the world since time immemorial and is unlikely to change. Nor should it. As long as men appreciate and contribute where possible, then there’s harmony to be found in that too.

Therefore, I hope it’s clear for others to see that I am not the heartless and selfish mother that I may initially appear to represent. There is a very deliberate decision I’ve made when I haven’t always had dinner ready on the table for others or completed other household chores. The message I’m sending out is deeper than what is always apparent. Of course, there have been times I have selfishly not taken on my duties for that day. However, after years of servicing others, I am entitled to miss my targets once in a while. I’m only human. Even in our topsy-turvy days, important lessons have been learned and introspection has been made. So, not a complete loss.

My place will always be mother, insha’Allah. But every mother knows what it feels like to burn the candle at both ends. It’s finally time to slow down. I have earned that right.

Measuring Happiness

***Different Criteria for Different People***

The idea to write about this in today’s blog post was inspired by the fact that I was recently asked a question in a group discussion of divorced Muslim women. “Where would I place myself in terms of happiness post-divorce, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest score?” Without hesitation, I replied, “8-9”.

The reason for not hitting full marks is because I often feel burdened with financial worries and although all those bottlenecks have been and gone, they also come full circle every month or so. The cycle is on repeat. Constantly.

Alhamdulillah, now that I have some actual financial support from my sons, things have become a little easier. However, I tell myself not to be complacent with the current status quo as life can be volatile and things can be up-ended any time. For this reason, I will always endeavour to be as self-reliant as much as I can and for as long as I can, inshaAllah.

On the other hand, the reason why I confidently claim to score high on that scale is also because I have learnt acceptance of my fate in this life. It’s taken me some time but I am fully cognizant of Allah’s greater plan and His final decision for me. If I trust His wisdom, then I have nothing to fear except fear itself. I have the benefit of hindsight and can now see clearly the things I have gained from being without my ex-husband and not just the things I seemingly lost. The truth is, there can never be just loss with divorce or any situation for that matter. It is more of a replacement of one thing with another even if that replacement is not like for like. So, I may not have moved on and found another person to marry. That was never the plan anyway. However, that is not to say that I have not gained in life since the divorce either.

When I reflect on the array of things I’ve achieved, from large to small, I can only say, “Alhamdulillah” for them all. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. And in all honesty, it’s not even about achievements. It’s more about the time I’ve had to be with my family and friends in a capacity which I have created for myself and grown to cherish over time. I have evolved into a personality which may never have emerged had I not been thrown into the situation I have found myself in for the last few years. In reality, aspects of my personality which perhaps were dormant and never explored, have been caused to come to the surface. I have defined my version of happiness and found my own formula for being in the duniya and aware of the Akhirah (hereafter). Being forced to search for a meaningful existence has helped me look deep within and understand my strengths and weaknesses. It’s been a curious journey of self-discovery.

Despite being at the helm of my ship for the last few years, I have also been deeply grateful for just being. That has been priceless.

***Sailing Through Storms and Calm Seas***

Small Emergencies: Big Impact

***Life’s Lessons in Unexpected Places***

A couple of days ago I was abruptly woken up by a loud bang and the gush of water coming from the en suite bathroom. Within a few minutes, the bathroom floor had been flooded and I found myself stamping on towels to mop up the excess water. Alhamdulillah, I had also managed to awaken my son to switch off the main water supply.

There is a very conscious purpose of mentioning this incident.

Whilst this event was unfolding and I was dealing with the aftermath of the mess, I reminded myself of the situation so many people in Palestine are suffering from – and have been – for many, many months and years. They don’t have recourse to a plumber or an emergency contact to resolve such issues. Indeed, they don’t even have homes left to call their own. I, on the other hand, simply had to leave a couple of phone messages to relevant contacts and within a few hours, the bathroom issue had been sorted and things have since returned to normal.

How fortunate am I that such emergency situations I can see an end to? Despite life’s struggles, there is still a system in place whereby I can call upon someone to help and even if I have to pay for such a service, at least it is available. Alhamdulillah.

How fortunate am I that I have my sons nearby to help and as young adult men, I can rely on them to complete tasks for which they are better equipped to do either physically or mentally? I’m only too aware of women who don’t have any male relatives around to request favours from. Allah has blessed me with sons and I remember this even moreso in these type of emergencies. Alhamdulillah.

How fortunate am I that I have been blessed with the disposition of a Muslim and know that the incident that occurred with the bathroom was one intended to test my patience. Allah had sent me my challenge and was waiting to see my reaction whilst in the midst of dealing with that particular challenge. I recall thinking that even though it had caused me some inconvenience what with the temporary flooding and then the constant drip-drip noise of water whilst I was trying to sleep afterwards, this was nothing compared to what I have been witnessing going on in Palestine in the last year. What have I got to complain about? Alhamdulillah.

There is definitely something to be said about becoming more mellow and unflappable when one gets older. I would never believe I could be so calm in such a stressful situation. I don’t pretend that it wasn’t worrying but I also believed that it would be resolved and the inconvenience would be temporary. It’s not that I wish to be challenged to a greater extent but I am grateful that Allah didn’t give me anything more to contend with.

Time is a great teacher. Going through life’s ups and downs, the highs and lows and all else in between, it imparts on us great knowledge. Inadvertently we learn how to respond to all kinds of scenarios and with the correct measure.

I learnt a lot about myself after the incident I faced recently. I would like to believe that I responded appropriately to it. Moreso, I had remained grateful it was something resolved soon and not lost sight of the fact that it could have been much worse.

A Few Days Off

It’s been wonderful to have had the last two weeks not tied to any appointments or fixed schedule. To know that I could dedicate complete days to my own whims and tasks, was something I was looking forward to before that time off had even started. Now that I am at the other end and am due back to work tomorrow, I feel a little sense of sadness that these easy days are no more. That was something I knew was going to catch up with me for sure.

Yet knowing time such as this is limited, is what makes it all the more enjoyable. I managed to accomplish tasks I had been waiting to complete with an uninterrupted intrusion. I also managed to enjoy taking time out to do nothing of major consequence. The combination of the two scenarios allowed me to relish in the escape from my normal routine.

Could I live like this on a long-term basis? I don’t think so.

Knowing myself, I would get bored too soon. Without any goals in sight, especially those which allow for self-development, my life would become aimless and I would eventually find something to fulminate about. To be honest, even in these past two weeks, whilst I’d taken a slower pace, my mind seemed to have been racing faster – as if the gap in events had allowed me the chance to finally switch the back-burner plans towards the front and give them serious consideration.

Over time, I’ve watched multiple videos or snippets of ordinary people who’ve bounced back from some form of tragedy in their latter years and are living their best life yet whether it be getting fitter at the gym, starting a business, travelling the world or some other delayed venture. Most of them are well into their 50s and have been propelled forward by some kind of major turning point in their lives. All of these people have collectively proven to me that what is left of my life can still count. There isn’t any more time for procrastination. I have been feeling restless for some time now that I need to create the change myself. I know I can’t expect it to happen to me. Nobody is going to knock on my door with a box of opportunities. I need to make change happen!

In my pessimistic mood, I question what I have actually achieved in the last few years. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like much. However, if I were to write a list of accomplishments, I’d say I haven’t done too bad either, Alhamdulillah. I have to remind myself of the circumstances I’ve been operating within and realise that I’ve tried the best within my means. Being a mother has always meant my children came first. And yes, I use the word, ‘came’ in a deliberately past tense. Nowadays, I know to put myself first as nobody else will do that for me. My children are no longer children. They are adults now. So I can finally change priorities,

Although some time away from my normal paid work brought welcome respite, I knew my mind would never be totally at rest as I’m always thinking of the next big project. How can I develop myself spiritually, mentally, intellectually and physically? In this quest for answers, I prefer these days to undertake tasks which have a direct link to any good that I can take with me to the other side. Whilst seeking ephemeral pleasures in this life is not to be frowned upon, they can’t be an absolute priority. Perhaps wisdom teaches me to prioritise deeper soul-enriching pleasures which feed into my spiritual wellbeing. There can be no higher goal than that and is the ultimate pleasure I seek.

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